plufrompdx

Irritating

2012-01-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

You know what's irritating?

Waking up with a headache when you haven't had anything to drink the night before.

Atmospheric pressure and sinuses, I guess. Hmph!

Back from beyond

2012-01-26T14:51:00.000-08:00

I’m back in Portland and recovering from the trip. The week there was wonderful, but the two solid days of driving on either end of the week was exhausting. Guess I’m just not as young as I used to be… and neither is my pop!

We had a great week with the Kid. We got a ton of house repairs done, a bunch of stuff sorted by room, and even a tiny bit of yard work done. The place looks better than it did when we arrived, not that it was a wreck, just the wear and tear of daily life.

The best thing about the week was that we had the Kid to ourselves. Her man is already in Seattle so it was just the three of us and the pets. Very, very nice to spend time with her!

During the long hours in the car my pop and I had plenty of time for conversation. And, we pretty much talked the whole way across the country. I found out that my great aunt was a lesbian. Nice! And that one of my mum’s best friends in college was a lesbian as well. My pop figured out that his best friend in high school was gay. Oh, yes, there was plenty of talk about The Gay.

The Kid is finishing up work this week. Next week the movers come and pack the household and ship it off to the Northwest. The Kid will be in the Northwest in just a little over a week. Once their goods arrive at the new house, we – my pop and I – will drive her dog up to Seattle. Oh, did I not mention the dog? Yeah. We brought the dog back with us in the car so that he wouldn’t have to be shipped by air. Happily, he is a super mellow pup and is already fitting in perfectly with my household full of pets. In fact, I think our cats are going to like him better than our dog.

I’m back at work. Nothing new around here. Things are much the same at home. All to the good, I guess. One of these days there will be big changes, but not for a bit.

That’s it for now. I’m off to teach a couple of martial art classes this evening. I’m slowly working my way back into my life.

Hope the new year is treating you all well…

ps: South Dakota is bigger than you might think.

Quick Update

2012-01-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

Hello!

I'm writing from the wilds of snowy Des Moines! OK, it's not too wild... but it is definitely snowy.
My Pop and I drove out to help the Kid get ready for the move to Seattle. We have been doing all sorts of home repair tasks and enjoying our favorite daughter/granddaughter's company. Good times! Good, good times.

I have much and more to say, but no time to say it. I'll give you a summary when I return to pdx.

Love to all!
e

So far, so good...

2012-01-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

On the drinking, anyway. I had no alcohol during the past week and much, much less on the weekend. Also, something kind of funny: a prosecco that we had tried and found delightful a few weeks ago tasted ... weird ... to me this weekend. Nothing wrong with it, per se, not like a sparkling wine that didn't get riddled properly and has a musty or moldy taste; no, it just didn't taste as good as I remembered. So, I only had one glass. Props to me!

Went to the gym on Friday before work and spent the rest of the weekend hobbling around like a crippled old woman. Holy shit on FIRE! Too much, too soon! Couldn't go this morning because my thighs still hurt but I'll go on Wednesday. I didn't realize how very, very out of shape I have become! I'll just have to dial it down a notch or ten... No need to keep up with the youngsters. Actually, there is a woman in there who is just a couple of years older than me, and one who is nearly my mother's age ~ they both kicked my ass. Ouch.

Got nothing done on my meditation space. But, I haven't forgotten. I'll get it organized when I can.

A little progress is better than no progress.

This year things will be better

2012-01-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

They have to be, right?

I have been doing a whole lotta thinking of late, naturally. About things like longevity and mortality and, you know, the meaning of life. Just the average thoughts that come up when one's mother dies and then the New Year rolls around.

For the short term, I have a couple of resolutions. Or, perhaps I'll call them adjustments. They are simple and achievable, and oh-so-average. That's ok, though, because we all want to do these things and collectively we can encourage each other. They are:

Get back to a regular work out schedule and ride my bike as often as the weather permits. I worked out regularly last year until my mum got sick. And, I rode my bike even when I didn't have the time to make it to the gym. That is, I rode until the weather got too crappy and until I had to start going over to the parent's house in the evening as well as the morning. There just wasn't enough time at that point. So, without regular exercise... let's just say that my pants are uncomfortably tight right now and I don't like it.
Reduce alcohol consumption to weekends only (with a caveat for special occasions). Last year T and I went teetotal for the month of January and weekends only for the month of February. After that our imbibition gradually crept up until we were drinking every day after work and all day long on the weekends. That's just too much. For one thing, it's a lot of empty calories. For another thing, I don't like to feel that I need a drink. I want to drink because I enjoy the taste or the fizziness of the bubbles not because I had a rough day at the office. T is not joining me this year (which bugs me just a little) but so far so good. I've actually been enjoying our delicious tap water and really feeling good about preserving my liver rather than pickling it.
Increase my time spent meditating. I feel quite strongly the need to spend more time with an inward focus. I may need to rearrange some physical spaces in my house to make this possible, but that's easily done. The harder part of it is dedicating the time and encouraging the other members of my household to leave me alone.

Just those three adjustments for 2012. There is one that fell by the wayside in 2011 that I would like to get back to, but I'm not going to pressure myself over it. That one was reducing the amount of *stuff* in my basement. I was going to go through a box a week but I only did about 7 or so boxes. I really would love to take a month off and take everything out of my basement, throw 3/4's of it away, build some shelves and storage and put the rest back in an orderly manner. That would be a pleasure! I'll work on saving up the time and resources for that, but in the meantime it wouldn't hurt to just get rid of stuff.

Besides these immediate adjustments, I have been spending some time thinking about what is important to me in the long term. I would like to retire in 2 years and 5 months (yeah, you bet I'm counting) and in order to do that I need to be confident about my goals and directions. I will not be able to stop working completely, but I would very much like to get off the 40 hour/week schedule. That is a major goal.

So, my priorities for the rest of my life are this:

Make sure Zoe is safe and set up in some comfortable situation (as much as a parent can with an adult child)
Spend time regularly with my Pop
Work enough to make ends meet and have benefits
Have time to ponder and to pursue interests

These are not unreachable, unrealistic goals, right? I sorely need the time to ponder. I need quiet and undisturbed time on a regular basis. I would like to get my thoughts in order and write more and communicate better and for this I need to be able to sit and think... I'd also like more time to walk the dog and pet the cats.

Those are my resolutions, adjustments, goals and plans. What are yours?

Dreams

2011-12-15T16:35:00.000-08:00

My dreams have been mostly of loss lately. Whether the subject be my mother or someone else, or things, or intangibles, the theme has been loss.

Yesterday I had these dreams.

The first one featured my mum. She and my dad and I were sitting in a living room, the two of them on the couch. We were all chatting and at one point I realized that, Hey! Mum is back! And her brain is working perfectly! After that, once it became apparent that I was dreaming, the dream ended. I can’t remember what we were talking about, unfortunately.

In the second dream, I was in some kind of tricky situation where I needed to escape from someone. I don’t remember that part of the dream. It was out in the country, in a rural upland. There were poorly developed roads – maybe dirt, maybe gravel – with trees and shrubs growing right up to the roadway. I was driving a sedan. It was summer and I had the window open. I crested a slight rise and looked out over a wide valley. What I didn’t realize was that the road turned sharply to the left, but I didn’t. The car went soaring through the air and nosedived into a lake. The water was very green. As the car was flying through the air I saw what was happening and many thoughts flashed through my head about how to survive the situation. I couldn’t remember if the window should be up or down. I took a deep breath.

The car hit the water and plummeted like a stone, like a steel coffin. I freed myself from behind the wheel and struggled my way out of the window. There were bubbles everywhere. Green water and bubbles. I kicked my way to the surface of the water. As I came up for air, I saw that I was not far from the shore. I swam a few strokes and found myself standing on an underwater ledge. I looked back at the car and saw that it was now on the ledge as well. My thought was, ‘at least it won’t be too hard to get it out of there.’

That’s all I remember. A strange night's sleep, for sure.

Some good stuff

2011-12-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

Here are some good things that have brightened my days lately.

1) The Kid is moving back to the Pacific Northwest! Yes, it's true! Finally! Zoe's man got a job at that big computer outfit near Seattle and they are headed this way. I am so effing happy about that. There are lots of details to work out, of course, but the thought of having her just three hours away is fantastic.

2) T got a job! A real 40 hour a week job! True, it's a 6 month temp but they told her at the interview that they want to make it permanent. Now we just have to set an intention that they find the funding and hire her permanently. And the best part? It's doing maintenance at the Zoo! She started this week and is already thrilled with it. I told her that if she gets on permanent she'll have to stay for 20 years so that she will have a retirement. She is so happy!

3) My two best friends are coming for a long weekend, starting tomorrow! Lisa had been planning on coming for months, she wanted to see my mum one last time but this was the soonest she could get away. Of course, it's too late for that but she is coming anyway to cheer me up and just hang out. Then, last week, she told T that she was planning a surprise and bringing my other bestie along for the weekend too! I'm not supposed to know but T told me because it's hard to hide details like getting out the air mattress and planning for more than one house guest. I'm sworn to secrecy and I will be the most surprised person ever when KA shows up! I'm just so happy to have friends who care so much about me.

I'm grateful. Very, very grateful. In the midst of my sorrow, here are reasons for gratitude. Thank you, Universe. I haven't felt happy for a long while, and here are three outstanding reasons.

xoxoxox

22 November 2011

2011-11-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

Today is my Pop's birthday. He is coming over to my house for dinner and dessert. It'll be quiet and low key, which he likes, and just the three of us.

Today is also the 20 year anniversary of the day the kid and I escaped an abusive relationship and landed in Portland, at my parents house, with the clothes on our backs and very little else.

We've got things to celebrate.

A brief sketch of my parents

2011-11-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

I wrote this down back in 1992 or 1993. My daughter and I were living with my parents at the time in a lovely, large house in Portland. Some friends of the family had just left after a weekend visit.

We are sitting on the front porch, Mum, Dad and me, discussing which friends and relatives of Janet and Al they had met.

Dad: "I'm thinking of that tall Russian or Slavic fellow who cooked."
Mum: "No, no. That was Michael. He wasn't really Russian, he just pretended to be."
Dad: "Well, he sure could cook. I think he was queer."
Mum: "He wasn't queer - just swishy and posing. He and I had a good hoohaw about French reductionism."

At this point I start laughing. "What's so funny about that?" asks Mum, tolerantly amused.
"The idea of having a good hoohaw about French reductionism with bogus Russian queers is giving me a good hoohaw. French reductionism!" says I.

We return to the discussion of other people's relatives.

Thursday

2011-11-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

I did, actually, take a shower. And it felt good, and healthy. And I'm sure I smell better.

But, I did not make it to work. I tried to psych myself up for it, but it just wasn't there. Technically, we are allowed to take three days off for a death in the family, and I can see that being adequate for some distant relative... but I feel like three weeks or even three months might not be enough to come to grips with the loss of my mumsey.

I went over to their house yesterday, to check up on my pop. We were sitting in the living room talking. All of a sudden my head snapped up and i looked down the hall. I heard my mum coming. It was as strong a sensation- both intuited and felt - as I can swear to. Of course, I saw nothing. I felt her presence strongly, but I saw nothing. My pop was blathering on as though nothing had happened. (I shouldn't say 'blathering', my pop doesn't blather, maybe he was 'holding forth'... he is a retired college professor, after all.)

I had an email from one of my mum's best friends. She encouraged me to 'stay strong' as, she said, Kathryn would want, no, demand. Well, that may be true. My family is fucking stoic. While we are quite loving, we do not express ourselves fully or dramatically, or effusively, or even physically. We hugged my mum. We give pop a 'hearty handshake'. That's his comfort level.

I'm going to chat with my therapist tomorrow. I will probably cry. I have to believe that I will be in a safe space to do so. Although, being raised as I was, I tend to repress those emotions (obviously) and when they are expected is the time I feel least likely to display them. Oh, what a complicated thing is life!

I may just take this whole week off.

What's next

2011-11-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

I really should take a shower. My hair is sticking up like fried bread. I went to the store like that yesterday because I just don't care. Of course, it's worse today.

I really should drag my ass to work. At least for a few hours. I don't want to be around anyone though. Maybe I'll go in the afternoon when most people are gone. Actually, that's a pretty good idea because it will also get me away from the people in my household.

Sigh. That sounds so grudging and hostile. T is being great, of course, very solicitous, very caring. But she is emotionally needy as well. And is frustrated because she wants to hear all the details and I just don't want to review them. I mean, I told her plenty about the end already but she just wants more than I feel capable of giving. She keeps suggesting that I should 'talk about it'... like a '70's after-school special or something. It's just not my way.

So, if I'm going to try the office today, I'd better not drink quite so much... that'll be my goal.

Google reader

2011-11-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

If an older post pops up in your reader, don't bother with it. I edited it to delete my darling mumsey's last name. There are a couple of computer savvy relatives that I would rather didn't read my personal stuff...

Cheers, all.
e

Gone from our sight, Forever in our hearts

2011-10-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

The end was rough, my friends. Her breathing became labored and raspy, and then gurgly as her lungs shut down and filled with fluid. Her body was working so hard to keep going. Near the end, I begged her to let go. I turned to all corners of the room and looked up in the ceiling and told her that it was okay to go, that this was too hard and that it had to be better on the other side.

I quoted some poetry and prose that seemed meaningful to me and that I knew she liked. I held her hand. I stroked her brow. I kissed her. I promised her that we would never forget her and that we would love her forever.

I gave her the liquid morphine. My pop asked me to do all the medicating. He called the hospice people and got instructions from them regarding the morphine and the atropine. We gave her the extra morphine. They upped the dose. We gave her yet more.

My pop and I were both there most of the time, but taking turns going to the bathroom or making a cup of tea. I went to the kitchen for my tea run. I sat down at the dining room table and put my head down. I may have been out of the room for three or four minutes. Then my pop came down the hall and called to me. I went into the bedroom with him. She was gone. He said that her breathing slowed down and became uneven. She took a couple of breaths and then a long pause. Another breath. And then no more. I wonder if she was waiting for me to be out of the room when she finally gave up the bodily life.

He wanted me to check to see if I could find a pulse. I couldn't. Not in her wrist or neck or axially. Her eyes were vacant. We sat with her for several minutes. Then Pop said that he had to go get my brother. He walked over to my brother's house (it's only 7 blocks) and back. While he was gone I kept checking for a pulse even knowing that she was gone. I held her hand. I told her how much I love her, even though she already knew that.

Pop and I dressed her in her favorite pajamas and put her favorite slippers on her feet. I crossed her legs. She looked relaxed and stylish. While we were waiting for the undertakers (or whatever they are called) I sat on the bed with her and read. I stroked her forehead and gave her the occasional kiss and told her, again, how much I love her and how much I'll miss her. The undertakers came and took the empty shell of my mother away. The three of us stood on the front porch and waved until the van turned the corner.

It doesn't seem possible that she's gone. Her vivid presence, her intelligence, wit, warmth and love can't be gone from this world. My mum was the heart of our family. And the reigning matriarch of our extended family. I know with my bodily senses that her corporeal self is gone, but her spirit, her essence, the vibration of her can't be gone from this world. At least, not as long as those of us who knew and loved her are still living.

Not sure what to do now. I'm not really taking it in yet. I guess that happens over time.

Thanks for all of your love and support during this time, dear blog friends. I haven't shared this much of the journey with anyone else.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The ties that bind

2011-10-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

What is it that keeps us tethered to this life? Family? Ambition? The will to live? The determination not to die? Obviously, I have no answer to that question.

What is it that keeps my mum tethered to this life? Family? My pop, me, my brothers, the grandchildren? A desire to live longer than her siblings have done? A thumbing of her nose to those she doesn't hold in high regard? Again, no answers from me.

Whatever those ties that bind (and, other than family, I don't know what they are) they are slipping, loosening, letting go of my mother as she begins her journey to the other side.

I have spent the last three days sitting beside her. Holding her hand, stroking her brow, petting whatever part of her I could reach. And, she has responded in kind. Holding my hand, and squeezing it; directing her gaze up at me; reaching out to touch whatever part of my body she could reach. Often, there are not words. Or, at least, words that I can decipher. Sometimes she is speaking clearly but mostly she is murmuring under her breath. My pop wrote down all he could of what she said from 2:30 last night until 6:00 this morning. She is having conversations with people who mattered in her life. Sorting stuff out.

The hospice nurse came today. She said that it looks like we have 1 to 3 days left, but certainly not a week. Now, I know that we had that expectation before, but this time I don't feel confident of a rebound. For one thing, mum can't stand anymore. She has no physical strength left. She is surviving on will and determination alone. When those go, she won't have anything left.

I'll be spending the next few nights at my parents' house. I'll keep you updated as i can.
Please send up a prayer for an easy transition for my beloved mother, Kathryn Elizabeth. I know she'll be ok, I just don't want her to be met on the other side by people she didn't like on this plane... but that's just me...

Peace,
elizabeth

In bed

2011-10-25T18:33:00.000-07:00

Mum didn't get up today.

Yesterday she got up and made it all the way to the living room, but did so with a ride on the scooter (the walker, or rollator as they like to be called). Once she got to the living room she fell asleep in the wing chair. She stayed there until I left, once my pop was up and about. I went back over in the evening to help get her to the bathroom and then to bed. And that all went well.

But, today, she's still in bed. I'm afraid that may mean that she is staying in bed. Yesterday she said, a couple of times, "I can't do this anymore." That sounds like she is loosening her grip.

I spent a big chunk of the morning sitting next to her bed, holding her hand.

Not sure where we go from here. Or if we go anywhere.

Medication issues

2011-10-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, my mum takes a whole lotta pills. And, until recently, they were doing their job of keeping her comfortable. Last week however, we mentioned that she is in some pain when she wakes up. The nurse thought that she should switch to a pain pill that would last through the night so that she would still be comfortable when she awoke. Good idea. Wrong pill.

They prescribed morphine tablets, which apparently work for lots of people. My mum, who takes handfulls of vicodin and flexeril and other stuff every day, is quite susceptible to the effects of morphine. We found this out the hard way.

My pop gave her the prescribed dose of two blue pills on Friday evening. Then the prescribed dose of one blue pill on Saturday morning. She slept 11 1/2 hours on Friday night, and she slept nearly the whole time I was there on Saturday morning and was pretty groggy the rest of the day. On Saturday night Pop gave her half the recommended dose, just one blue pill. She slept really well again. On Sunday morning he broke a pill in half and gave that to her. At this point I said, let's not give her anymore! Let's go back to the vicodin. He spoke with the nurse on Sunday and she said yes, go back to the vicodin, give her some extra haldol to counteract the morphine and increase the steroid. (Also, it turns out, you shouldn't break those morphine tablets in half. They just work faster.)

Another consequence of the morphine was the loss of strength in her legs. She is having a hell of a time standing and walking. She has needed help getting up for a while now, but since this weekend she is so much weaker.

And, a consequence of the increase in the steroids is that old demon, 'roid rage. Holy smokes! My mother has always had a strong will. When you mix that with steroids and anger at fate, well, you have a pretty potent old lady rage going on. Since this weekend, I'm going over earlier in the mornings and going back at night to help my pop get her up and into bed. It has been crazy.

One thing she insists on is spending a very long time on the toilet. This became a problem when she had been there for 3 hours and refused to get up. Yes, three hours on the pot. I arrived at 9am, as usual, and my pop said that she had been there since 6. He couldn't wrestle her up by himself and every time he tried she told him no. Well, he's a good husband, and when his wife says no, he listens to her. I said this is ridiculous and she can't stay on the toilet for three hours. Her feet were like ice! Cold! Circulation cut off! I said we were getting her up and that there would be no arguing about it. We decided who would lift where and on the count of three up she would come. This whole time she was saying NO! I said, Yes! We started to lift her and she said, "No, stop, put me down!" And, dammit, my pop started to lower her back down! I said, Pop, No, we HAVE TO GET HER OUT OF HERE! Well, we did. And she was mad. And this keeps happening. In fact, yesterday, after we got her to the living room, she looked at me and said, "Don't you have somewhere else to go?"

You gotta laugh. It's the only choice. I know it's the drugs talking. At times, though, all I can think is, good thing her short term memory is gone... she won't remember the next day how mad she was.

This morning we switched her old comfortable leather chair for a firmer, higher wing back chair. And, tonight when I leave work, I'm headed to the store to buy one of those elevated toilet seat things. And then I'll go over to their house and put it on and give her 10 minutes on the pot. Then she's up and out and into bed. I can be strong willed too...

Blogger Meet Up!

2011-10-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today I had lunch with eb and the Queen! Wow! Yes, they are real people! We had lunch at a little pub around the corner from my house called The RaT (really it's called The Rose and Thistle but we love an acronym). The RaT is next door to a yarn shop so I think the Queen was pleased by that detail.

It was wonderful to meet these two characters. They are on the Pacific Northwest leg of their current car trip. Originally there was talk of them staying with me, but with my life being in such a weird state of flux right now, well, it didn't turn out. Happily, they have friends in a suburb west of here. And, come to find out, the Queen is allergic to cats and we have three. Might not have worked out too well anyway. But, I would have loved to have them stay so that we could drink copious amounts of deliciousness and tell tall tales. I'm sure it would have happened like that...

However, I got to have a long leisurely lunch with them and that was very pleasant. Amazingly, the irascible T came along and behaved herself pretty well. I'm including these two pictures as proof but, as you know, my phone takes the crappiest photos of all time so it could be anybody in the picture. Especially the second one.

The Queen had on a spectacular tie dyed shirt with a crazed beaver on it. I was sure she had purchased it here in the Beaver State (yes, Oregon is the Beaver State - look it up! I'm not kidding!) but no! It's from a chain of rest stop/gas station/mini-mart/restaurant type thingies in Tejas. Still a good choice for Oregon, though.

Hahahahaha! That's me with eb behind the flash! I think she'll send me some pix, or post them on her blog. They'll certainly be better than these.

So, there you have it. Real life people behind all the bloggish glamour. I love it when that happens.

October and Matthew Shepard

2011-10-07T15:02:00.000-07:00

Originally posted: October, 2008

*******************************************************

Thoughts about Wyoming

With the ten year anniversary of the hate crime that took Matthew Shepard’s life, I am thinking about Wyoming. As are so many us.

Have you been to Wyoming? Have you driven through the state or visited Yellowstone? I’ve done both in the last decade.

My daughter and I took a road trip through the upper Western states when she was transitioning from middle school to high school. She had gone to an “alternative” middle school, run by hippie-ish types that encouraged self expression, among other things. Part of her self expression was her pink, orange and purple hair. As we left Yellowstone, driving through western Wyoming, she got a scarf out of her bag to cover her hair. I asked her why and she said,

“They kill people for being different here. I don’t want any of them to see my hair.”

What’s a mother to say to that?

This spring my girlfriend and I flew out to Michigan to collect my daughter’s car and drive it back to Portland. On day two, as we approached the Wyoming state line, we got into an argument. We spent a couple of hours in stony silence. As we drove through Laramie we both started crying. “Why are we doing this to each other?” we cried. “We have to be strong together to fight against the assholes of this world.” We felt very strongly the sorrow, fear and shame that linger in Laramie; or at least linger in our minds when we think about Laramie. We couldn’t stop there, even though we needed gas. We couldn’t set foot on that ground, spend money in their town, even look away from the highway. Every fence reminded us. We pressed on through the town and filled the tank away to the west, in Rawlins. We were on edge through the whole state, and Utah wasn’t much better. We didn’t really breathe easily until we were cruising through the Gorge on the outskirts of Portland. So. Glad. To. Be. Home.

And, Wyoming? I don’t hate the place. I don’t hate the people. I don’t want to increase the balance of animosity in the world; I want to reduce it. I don’t feel safe in vast areas of the US, and I resent the fact that I feel I must be on guard when traveling in those places. But I am determined to give everyone a fair shake, an unbiased hearing before I make up my mind. There are probably wonderful things about Wyoming and I would be happy to hear about them. True, I’ll never live there, but I would like to travel through it or visit without fear.

New haircut

2011-10-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

I just had my hair cut super short. It was bugging me and that was pretty much the only solution I could come up with at the moment. Mind you, I just had it cut a couple of weeks ago, too... If it irritates me again I'm going for the clippers.

My phone takes lousy pictures, but you can at least see how short it is now. Amazingly, my mum didn't say a word about it this morning.

Not for the faint of heart ... or stomach

2011-09-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

***WARNING***

!GRAPHIC MEDICAL CONTENT!

Thursdays are the hospice nurse days. We have an amazingly wonderful nurse named Kathleen. She fits perfectly with us. She gets us, we get her, we are all alike in some ways and hugely different in others, but we get each other. That's important.

Today, after commenting on how great mum is doing, and how she will almost certainly be around for Christmas, she brought up the subject of "bleeding out".

Oh.

Oh dear.

You see, the big softball-sized tumor in mum's right lung which has crossed into her left lung, is sitting right next to and now also encircling, her aorta. The aorta is called 'the great vessel'. It takes oxygenated blood from the heart and distributes it to the rest of the body. When a tumor is adjacent to the aorta, it is putting stress on the vessel. The oh-so-important vessel can grow weak from that stress. Sometimes it can rupture. When that happens, all of that oxygenated blood breaks free of the aorta. It may go into the body cavity or it may go into the lungs. It is quickly fatal.

If it goes into the lungs, it will likely come up the airway and out of the mouth. Kathleen recommends having a supply of dark colored towels on hand.

I'm still processing this information.

It was a fairly sobering conversation. And it reminded me that while we have been enjoying this gently sloping plateau as much as we can, we have grown complacent. We now expect things to continue as they are indefinitely. But, really, it could be over at any moment.

And, for crying out loud Mum, don't cough!

Fuck.

Still here...

2011-09-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Yep, we're still here. All of us. Including my darling mumsey.

She is on a gently sloping plateau these days. Getting a little worse but not a lot worse. Losses in cognition and physical abilities and stamina, but her will is strong and she is not done living. I am grateful for that.

I am still spending every morning at the parents' house ~ well, actually, right now it's only six days a week because my dad stays awake on Sunday mornings to watch football.

I am extremely grateful to my employers for letting me work whatever hours I can for as long as this lasts. And to my team of excellent coworkers for covering for me when I am not there.

I have a lot to be grateful for, in spite of this terrible disease.

I just have to remind myself of that from time to time.

Because there are many days when I just want to cry. And, when I get a minute to myself, I do. But, then I have to pick myself back up and carry on. Because that's what we do, right?

There's a beautiful sunset right now, outside my office window. Might as well be grateful for that too.

And for my friends, both RL and virtual who keep letting me know that I am in their thoughts. Thank you.

Rebound

2011-09-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

Here's the strange thing: my mom is holding on. I don't know how or why or what is helping her, but after a couple of days that were absolutely dire, she has rallied. She is out of bed, walking with help, drinking tea, and combing her hair. We thought that the end of this week would probably be her last, but she has surprised us all.

But... and it's a big but ... there is a booklet that the hospice folks gave us that outlines the final days. In it, there is talk of a period where the dying person has a rebound and seems almost like their old self. I wonder if that is where we are now.

Another strange thing is that during that bed-ridden, excruciating couple of days, mom was very lucid. She answered questions directly, she had things to tell each of us, she let us know when the pain was unmanageable. Now, she has slipped back into the random, unconnected (in our minds) monologues, and is disassociated with reality. I don't know what to make of that.

One thing that I believe helped her was the knowledge that Zoe was coming. I called Zoe a day or so after the nurse said it would be the end and asked her if she could come for one last visit. She made plane reservations right away.

I have been at the parents' house for the last ... what, 3 or 4 days/nights?... I'm not sure, at this point. But, last night I felt as if I could sleep in my own bed with no worries about the night or the morning. My dad promised he would call if they needed help.

I'm on my way back over there to sit with mom while dad has his nap. After that, I'm actually going to go to work for a few hours, while Zoe takes a turn hanging with her Grammy.

Zoe can only stay until Sunday. I don't know what to expect once she leaves. Oh well, there's just no way of knowing except to live through it.

Near the end

2011-08-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

I am sleeping at my parents house now. The hospice nurse says we have a week or so. Mom is sleeping a lot, but when she is awake she is often quite restless. We had a morning of good lucidity today, although it began at 4am, we'll take it whenever we can.

Pop and I were able to help her to the bathroom, which she much prefers over the other options. Well, who doesn't, right? She also had a half a cup of tea this morning, which we consider a fantastic accomplishment.

I have dashed home for a quick shower and clean clothes. I've answered some emails and thought that I would post this brief update. I would update more, but my parents computer is a relic and I haven't even tried.

Thank you, all, for keeping us in your thoughts.

Words to live by

2011-08-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

Do not dwell in the past,
Do not dream of the future,
Concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Buddha

I'm working on just being present.

Good days and not so good

2011-08-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough month. It's been up and down, but mostly down. The shocking thing is how quickly Mom is getting worse. She makes very little sense. It's all sentence fragments in a stream of consciousness monologue. Sometimes there is a theme. Tuesday was her Uncle Chalmer. Wednesday was Cousin Debbie. Today was Lisa and Sybil. Knowing who she is talking about is helpful. Makes it a tiny bit easier to follow.

There are some funny things, though. I mean, you have to laugh or else you cry. Today she said as I sat down and untied my shoes, "Yes, sit down and take off your trees." And later she asked me, "How many were staying here while you were dancing on your head?" I guessed 3. I mean, what can you say?

My new schedule is this:
Spend the morning, from about 9 to noon, at the parents house. This gives me time with my mum while she is fairly rested, and importantly, time for my dad to take his morning nap. It is essential that he stay healthy and rested. I've been doing this for a week or so, and he looks much better.
Work from about 1-ish to 8 or 9 in the evening.
Go home, sit in front of the tv for a few minutes, go to bed.
On Saturday and Sunday, just take out the work part.

It's not just that her mind is going. She is also physically very frail. Some days she can get herself up and walking, but mostly not. She is pretty teetery, too, so there is the constant fear of her falling. She has fallen, but so far no serious injury. One good thing is that they put her on a steroid and it has increased her appetite. She was at the point of eating a couple of bites of toast a day and that was it for her caloric intake. Now, however, she is eating an entire piece of toast for breakfast and sometimes having part of another one. Wow! She will eat a little lunch and a few bites of dinner, but that's about all. Still, it's keeping her going.

I've told her what a wonderful mother she is, and how lucky I feel. I tell her every day that I love her. I can't ask her any big questions any more, though. Interpreting the answer is so difficult. One thing that makes me happy is that sometimes, while she is telling some incomprehensible story, she'll shake her head and chuckle. Laugh at some fleeting memory, and then sit quietly with a smile on her face. I like that.

Two Old Girls

2011-07-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

Conflating

2011-07-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

Conflate: noun. 1) To bring together; meld or fuse. 2) To combine (two variant texts, for example) into one whole.

Thursday I have to have my dog put to sleep.

It’s time, I know that. It’s past time, actually. I’ve been wondering when this day would come, and putting it off. She is ancient, especially for a biggish dog. I’ve written about her before. She has been declining for a while. Her eyesight and hearing are nearly gone, as is her bladder control. I’ve been washing rugs for months. I buy vinegar by the gallon jug.

For the last couple of months (or years), we have had to help her get up off the floor. We lift up her back end, under her back legs, and hold her steady until she gets her balance and starts walking. But now, even that isn’t enough help. She almost can’t keep all four legs under her at the same time. We stand her up, she falls down. We hold up her back legs and the front ones go. T built her a ramp to get from the deck to the back yard and it works just fine as long as you walk beside her, holding her up.

So, yes, it’s time. I called the house call vet last week to schedule an appointment, and of course he was out of town. He emailed me back and we set the time for Thursday, 7 July at 4pm. It’s ok that I had an extra week. For one thing, she has gotten worse over the course of the week, and it has allowed me to really see that it must be done. I wanted her to die naturally, in her sleep, but she hasn’t complied with that. So, yes, on Thursday I must put our elderly family pet to sleep.

Conflate: to combine into one whole.

I can’t help but look at the other elderly dying family member.

I am not conflating my mom with my dog. Not really. But it feels ominous somehow, or disrespectful, or like I’m tempting fate. I feel like I am taking away what time Cookie has, time that she could be enjoying a treat, or watching the shadows of people pass by from the front porch. I’m taking away the tail-wagging, tongue-lolling, happy to see me, cheerful individual who has lived in my house for 16 years. Am I going to cause a shift in the space – time continuum that will cascade on to my mother? By putting the dog down am I negatively impacting my mother’s survival?

Of course I know that this isn’t true. My mum and my dog are not psychically connected. It just feels too close to the bone, too close to the heart, too fragile. Too something.

My mum still has some time left. And, she is in much better shape than the dog! She has good days and bad days, and yesterday was discouraging, but she is still her essential self. But then, so is Cookie. There isn’t anything I can do, at this point, to lengthen Cookie’s life, and I wouldn’t want to. She is tired. She is old. She is losing the sparkle in her eye. If I were to keep her alive it would be selfish. I’m not doing that.

And I’m not giving up on my mom.

Feeling good

2011-06-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

I made some delicious beef stew for my parents and took it over last night. Yes, I know that summer is not beef stew season but remember, we live in the Pacific Northwest and it is not summery here. So far this year we have had temperatures over 80 degrees just 3 times. It's cool and breezy right now. Plus, comfort food is satisfying in all seasons. The stew is one of my few tried and true, reliable, great tasting meals. I am not a cook. But, that's ok because my mom is not much of an eater. She does love my stew though.

While I was there, my dad gave me the run down on the latest visit to the doctor. Actually, they visited the Nurse Practitioner. It was very encouraging! My mom is feeling much better, and her oxygen saturation is staying well within the normal range. I think the pneumonia is finally resolving. Also, her inner ear thing (infection? something?) must be better as well, because her balance is much better. She was feeling pretty perky last night. That made me feel better. Oh, and this: the NP told them that they have a couple of patients who have been in hospice for 3 and 4 years. That made us all feel better. My dad said, "Let's plan Christmas!" Smiles all around.

Just so I could feel useful, I ordered one of those fancy walkers with a basket and a seat and bicycle style brakes. You can get anything from Amazon! It should be arriving today or tomorrow and I think it will really help my mom with her mobility. She tires easily but still wants to be out and about.

All of this gave me a really good feeling yesterday. She may not have as long above ground as I want, but she doesn't yet have a foot in the grave.

Hospice

2011-06-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

I got a call from Raymond at the hospice office yesterday. Unfortunately, he called my home number and not my cell or my work (both of which he has). He left a message and said that it was not an emergency, but to please call him back.

I called the hospice office as soon as I got home. Raymond had left for the day, but the gal on the phone explained what was going on ~ at least, somewhat.

It seems that when a patient is enrolled in hospice care, one of the first things the program does is order liquid morphine to be delivered to the patient's house. This is to ensure that unmanageable pain is treated whether or not the patient can be seen right away. Well, that's good. Why the hell should she suffer as she is dying, right?

But, the question the woman couldn't answer was, why did Raymond call me? Were the parents out of the house? She didn't know. She just wanted to be sure that we knew that the pharmacy would be delivering the morphine that afternoon.

I called my parents and let them know. It seems that Raymond had called and my mom had basically told him to bugger off. She didn't know who he was and she didn't have time for him. She told him that she wasn't interested and hung up on him. He called back and she told him to stop bothering her. I guess she thought he was trying to sell her something. Sigh.

At any rate, it got sorted out and there is now a bottle of liquid morphine on the mantel. The nurse has called and given instructions as to its use.

Here's something else, though. When I was talking to the woman on the phone, her tone of voice and phrasing were creeping me out. She is clearly used to talking to people who are in distress, but I was expecting more of a matter-of-fact tone and not the unctuous sympathy and hushed voice that I got from her. It was a little weird.

Vascular Dementia

2011-06-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

The lack of oxygen to the brain is a serious problem. Whatever the reason for the lack of oxygen, the result is not good. In our case, a softball sized tumor in the lung is pretty much blocking the efficient flow of oxygen, and has been for an unknown period of time.

Dementia, however, is kind of the same whether it's vascular, Alzheimer's, or any one of the other dementias, especially the age related kind.

Weese, if you are reading, I thought about you last night.

I was over at the parents house, they had just finished a light supper of blintzes. We were talking about how my martial art school looked better after a recent coat of paint. At that point my mom said, "Well, I remember when you told me that the rabbits were really loud at night."

Umm.... ok.

I said, "We don't have too many rabbits over there, but if they keep you awake, let me know."

What is it about rabbits? Weese, didn't your mom have a rabbit thing?

A Not Sad Post

2011-06-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

It was Gay Pride weekend in PDX this last weekend and even with my life turned upside down, it felt like a good idea to get out and have some fun. Plus, there was the work obligation.

We went out dancing on Saturday night. There's a monthly dance called Hot Flash that is held downtown. It started out as an old gals dance, but it's open to all women and during Pride weekend it's open to all queers and allies. It's pretty fun ordinarily, and on Pride weekend it is packed to the rafters and you are likely to run into people you haven't seen in ages. I had the delightful coincidence of running into some bloggers that I know only in the virtual world!

I was talking with a group of friends and looked over and saw a couple who looked familiar. I did the usual trip through the mental rolodex trying to place them and finally realized who they were. It was Jen and Sara from We are (having) so much fun! I couldn't remember Sara's name at first, but I remembered Jen and I called Sara "The Splicer". If you read their blog, you'll know that Sara is pretty handy with rope (although we are still waiting for the blog post on splicing, we have seen pictures). I introduced myself, and we marveled at the collision of real life and virtual. They are just as nice as they seem on their blog.

When we were ready to go, we were standing outside saying our goodbyes to various friends when someone said, "Hey, it's the Naked Bike Ride!" How could we not look? We walked to the end of the block and sure enough, there they were in all their pale glory. We waved and waved and waved, and the line of naked riders kept coming and coming. It was actually quite nice out, not too chilly, and not raining. It looked like they were having fun! In fact, it looked so fun that T actually said that she wanted to join next year. We'll see about that! We found out later that there were something like 10,000 participants. Ten Thousand! That's Portland, for you!

Sunday morning we got up too early and made our way downtown for the Pride parade. I had gotten roped into serving on my work's Pride committee and we all had to be there early and help out. We sorted, folded, stacked and distributed t-shirts, blew up hundreds of balloons, bagged up buttons, organized the tote bags, and then waited for our turn to step out in the parade line up. The parade route was not long, I'm happy to say, but what with all the busy work and the standing around and the walking, my legs were tired by the end of the day. We made it down to the Waterfront, had a corn dog and a beer, picked up some free samples of dog food, some condoms and lube, and plenty of buttons and stickers and Mardi Gras beads. Got to chit chat with friends we haven't seen since last year's parade. It was a long day but fun to see our community in all their colorful glory.

Not a restful weekend, by any stretch, but nice to get out. How about you all? Is your city's Pride celebration coming up? Do you have one? Go out and get your gay on!

Wishing

2011-06-17T14:41:00.000-07:00

Like many people, I grew up wishing on the evening star. You know, “Star light, star bright…”- that wish. I suppose when I was very young I wished for the kind of things that children wish for, like a puppy or a pony or a new toy. I don’t remember those wishes.

From the time I was about 8 or 10 years old though, my wish was almost always for the same thing. I wished for my parents to have a long and happy life. I don’t know why I started wishing that. I think it started when my maternal grandfather died.

I didn’t know my mom’s father. I had met him twice, maybe three times. He lived in Ohio and we lived in California. It was a much bigger deal to fly across the country back then. And, none of my family had money for that extravagance.

The day we got the call that he had died, we were at our cousins’ house. My mom’s sister’s house. It might have been someone’s birthday. My mother and all of her siblings loved their father best. Their mother was whiny and petulant (in retrospect I believe that she had a hard menopause), but their father was their champion. He was the kind of dad who played with his kids, who was very fair and just and kind and loving. He worked hard and loved them all and they knew that and felt secure.

My mother and my aunt fell to pieces when they got the call. Their dad worked for the railroad at the time and had been hit by a train. Later, the railroad tried to say that he had had a heart attack and fell off one of the cars, but in the end they settled with my grandmother and awarded her a miserly pension.

The pain, the crying, the despair, were overwhelming. I had never seen my mother cry like that. I had never seen my aunt cry at all. They were strong young women with husbands and children and in an instant they were bereft little girls sobbing in despair.

I cried too. I cried because it was sad that my grandfather had died, but mostly I cried because my mom was crying. I sat in the front seat with her on the way home and she held me and cried. And cried, and cried.

My mom was devastated. I don’t know how long it took her to come to terms with her father’s death, but I think it was quite a while. It worried me. I worried that my parents might suffer some bizarre and tragic fate. I was preoccupied with it at times, worried that my brothers and I would be left in the care of others, to be raised as poor relations.

Mostly, though, I couldn’t bear the thought of being without my parents. I have the best parents in the history of parents. I couldn’t bear the thought of them being dead and gone. I couldn’t imagine how that could be.

And so, I wished. I wished on the evening star every time I saw it. I wished whenever we crossed a bridge and held our breath and lifted our feet off the floor. I wished on birthday candles. I wished on dandelions. Any opportunity to make a wish and mine was the same. “Please let my parents have a long and happy life.” Always the same. Always that need for the security of my family.

And now, that evening star has let me down. My mom has been happy but she is only 75. I don’t feel that she has had enough time. When I wished for a long and happy life I was thinking they should live to be 100. That’s long. 75 is medium. It’s not enough. I’m not ready and she’s not ready. I feel like I am being robbed of 25 years of happiness, or my mom is.

What was the use of all that wishing? All of that focused energy directed to a specific outcome? What good was it? It served no purpose. I am losing my mom too soon. Now I am the bereft little girl, crying and wanting to say, “Don’t take my mama!”

I suppose that eventually I will be grateful for what I had. I suppose that comes with time. I hope so. My mom is my best advocate, my champion, my fierce defender. Nobody picked on Kathryn’s kids, because they could not take the wrath of my mother. Who will be my defender now? Who will stand up for me and defend me and believe in me?

Yes, I will still have my dad. He is the other half of that equation. I’m counting on him. The thought of him without my mom is strange but he must carry on. We need him. My brothers and I are still their children. Even at age 52, I still need my parents.

I don’t know if I’ll bother to continue wishing on that star. It hasn’t helped.

The News

2011-06-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it ain't good.

Stage 4, spread across the midline to both lungs, metastasized to the adrenal and lymphatic systems. Surgery is not an option, radiation is not an option, and the oncologist doesn't think that chemo will be worth the risk. The chemo won't significantly increase the length of her life, and will make her sick and weaker which could, in fact, shorten what time she has left.

And, what time does she have left? He wouldn't give an estimate but said it would be measured in months rather than years.

I'm not ready to lose my mom. Obviously I don't have a choice about that. My choice is to see her every day and spend as much time as I can with her.

Damn.

Reminder

2011-06-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

I had a good reminder last night to get the hell out of my head.

I've got a lot on my mind right now. The number one issue being my mom, of course. Also, it's the busy season at my work and there might not be enough hours in the week to get everything done. I'm working overtime every week.

On the flip side, my partner is underemployed. It is aggravating to be working so hard and getting phone calls about how much fun it is to be downtown watching the ships come in at the waterfront. (T is great for keeping me updated about her every move.) I don't begrudge her the fun, I just wish I was having some.

So, after hearing (a couple of times) about her escapades downtown, I finally make it home through rush hour traffic. I'm on the front porch struggling with an armful of crap while digging my house keys out of my backpack. I'm in a hurry because I have to leave immediately to go teach a class across town. I get in the front door to find her napping on the couch, completely out.

Ok, I confess that I closed the door rather harder than I should have. I didn't slam it, but I made sure it closed firmly. Yes, I was pissy. I was disgruntled. I was short tempered.

I looked down at her and said, "Are you comfortable? You look a little warm with that blanket on." Then I went upstairs, changed my clothes, came back down and gathered up my stuff and left. I closed the door very gently on the way out.

Here's the thing. On Monday and Wednesday evenings I teach martial arts to kids. The class I am currently teaching is fairly small, only about a dozen of them, and ranging in age from 6 to 12. These kids are awesome! Two of them are preparing to test for their next rank. They are so focused and determined. I worked with these two for most of the hour, while the rest of the class worked on another form with an upper rank teenager who came to help out. Everyone - the testing kids, the rest of the kids, the helper and even me- was completely present, working hard and having a great class.

My mood on the way home was a complete turnaround from the drive over there. For an hour I left my worries and my crankiness behind. It gave me a chance to take a breath, look at my actions and attitudes, and get a fucking grip!

I can't do anything about T's employment situation, but I don't have to be bitter and resentful about it. I can't do anything about my mom's lung cancer, except hope and pray and hold the good thought and be there for her. I can't do anything about my work except keep at it and relax after mid-July.

The old truth remains: I can only change myself. My attitude is up to me. Today will be better.

Pause

2011-06-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

I took the day off today.

I worked out this morning. T and I had our therapy session. After our appointment, as I was riding my bike to work and I just said "To hell with it! I'm going home."

So, here I am. I have a lot on my mind. I am waiting to hear from my parents after the meeting with the doctors. I am at loose ends, in limbo, on tenterhooks. I am no fit company for anyone, and didn't want to spend the day pretending at work.

If you feel like it, email me. I've got the time to respond.

AND (super important!): Thank you so much for your good thoughts, intentions and prayers for my mom. I know it helps!

xoxox
e

Please...

2011-05-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

Please set an intention, say a prayer, hold the good thought for my mom. She went into the hospital over the weekend for pneumonia and they discovered lung cancer. We'll know more about what kind and treatment options in a couple of days when the labs are back.

Fuck.

Bit my tongue

2011-05-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

So, yes, the Kid left yesterday. I miss her fiercely.

When T got home from picking up the niece, and they walked in the door, it was all I could do to keep from saying: "Why are you people still here?"

I managed to keep that to myself. Just barely, but I behaved. They are trying to be extra nice to me, which I appreciate, but there is no filling of that void with empty words and nice behaviour.

I'll get over it. I always do. And, this time I really have something to look forward to: the relocation of the Kid to Portland! That's what I've got and I'm going with it.

I haz a sad...

2011-05-09T14:12:00.001-07:00

I know I should be grateful, and I am. April was the best month I’ve had in a long time. My daughter was here for 5 weeks and it was fantastic. It just felt so right to have her back.

But, tomorrow she is leaving. She is driving back to Des Moines. I can already feel ‘the sad’ creeping up on me. This afternoon I will help her gather up all of her stuff, load some of it into the car, and spend some time just being around her. Tomorrow we will have breakfast together, finish loading the car, and wave goodbye. Yes, we will both cry.

She is planning on moving back to Portland in the next year. I’m holding on to that thought.

I think I did the right thing...

2011-04-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

I think I did the right thing today. I’m pretty sure I did. I feel a little ambivalent about it though.

Earlier this year, I decided to initiate some changes at my place of employment. My goal was to oust my almost non-existent manager and take his place. I am the second in command in our group, after this manager whom we share with another department.

Today I met with our accountant and one of the other women in the group. I recommended this other woman for management over myself. I believe that she will do a better job than I. I have a definite skill set, and am really quite good at the things I do, but I think M will make a better manager. Not in the people skills area, because I excel at that, but on the business side of the business. M has great skills in things like contract negotiation, super attention to detail, organization and coordination of effort… you know, businessy business. I’m better at people and words and schmoozing. And, she will need me to schmooze this position into existence.

The other part of the equation is related to time and age. M is younger than I am, by at least 15 years. Add to that the fact that I intend to retire* in three years, and I’d rather have her jump through the hoops. I will help her in any way I can, and will put my effort into helping her create the position, but after considerable consideration I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want the job.

The ambivalence comes in, I guess, because I have been doing the job of the manager for quite a few years and have not been adequately compensated for it. I have spent a lot of time and energy making our department better. I have assembled a team of outstanding employees. I have eliminated redundancies, streamlined processes, fitted the right person with the right tasks, and generally kept things both efficient and serene. I’ve been the manager. I’ve just never been paid to be the manager. I would have liked to have had the salary.

Overall, I believe that it is the right decision.

*I say 'retire' but in fact it will be a big shift. I’ll be 55, I’ll have 20 years into the retirement system, but I won’t get enough money to live on. I’ll have to continue to work but I am looking forward to doing some work that interests me, and preferably part time. The funny thing is, yesterday, in the early morning fitness class that I take, the head of my martial art school, upon hearing that I would retire in three years, said that she would love to hire me to be her administrator. So, already things are realigning to this new idea.

That makes me happy.

Update from the Rose City!

2011-04-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a crazy couple of weeks it has been!

When last I wrote to you all, we had just returned from the Twilight pilgrimage where a good time was had by our quirky, blended family. We had barely gotten the sand shaken out of our shoes and shorts when something so amazing and wonderful happened that I am still stunned.

My daughter called two or three days after she got back to Iowa. She said that she realized how much she missed living in Portland. She missed her family and friends, she missed mountains and forests and the ocean, she missed the funky vibe of the city. She asked if she could come back and stay for a month or so.

Yes, that’s right. She wants to come back! She asked me if she could stay with us for a month or two. Ha! I told her that she never has to ask, this is her home and she is welcome in it whenever she chooses to stay. She insisted that I ask T if it was alright, which I did, and of course it was.

So, at first she was going to come back in a couple of weeks. Then it was right after the boyfriend’s birthday. Then it was the following weekend. In the end, she left within a week of calling me. She decided to drive out. I offered to fly out and drive with her, but she wanted to do it on her own. Well, I understand that. A long solo car trip is a rite of passage, especially out here in the wide open west. She wanted to have her car here when she arrived, and wanted to bring some of her things that would cost too much to ship. She brought both her lap top and desk top computers. And, more than that, she brought her cat. Yes, let that sink in for a moment ~ she brought her cat.

Now, she has assured me that she and the boyfriend are not breaking up or separating. Pity. But, she has definitely matured in their relationship and is no longer doing everything his way. We have had some long (and short) chats about that. She told him that she is moving back to Portland with or without him and he needs to get on board. I am so relieved to see her regain her sense of self and her stubbornness and her will. She’s got all that, and it’s time to let it shine.

So, the last couple of weeks I’ve had my kid back. Heaven! This also means that we have a full house and lots going on. It wasn’t too long ago that I was living alone in relative silence. Sometimes, it’s true, I miss that quiet bookish existence, but mostly I am pretty darned happy.

Right now, the boyfriend is visiting. It was Zoe’s birthday on Tuesday (27!) and he came out for a few days. They are staying at a hotel. Zoe told him that he needed to leave by Saturday since my birthday is Sunday (52!). All in all, this spring is shaping up to be a pretty happy one.

I’ve got lots more to tell you, but so little time to write it down. I’ll keep at it though, because I know that you all are on Pins And Needles waiting to hear how this saga plays out! :-)

The Trip to Vampire/Werewolf Country

2011-03-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

We made it safely back from Forks and LaPush! Nobody was bitten!

Sunset at La Push.

Just to recap, we left Portland around noon on Friday. Drove through Forks, since we were staying in La Push, and arrived at the beach around 5ish. Checked into the hotel, ran around like lunatics on the beach, looked for somewhere to eat in La Push and ended up driving back to Forks for dinner.

Same view, in the morning. Right off our balcony.

On Saturday we spent a couple of hours checking out all of the Twilight locations. The rest of the day was spent shopping for Twilight crap. Oh, jeez! We’ve got t-shirts and coffee cups, and dog tags, and shorts, and pens, and shot glasses, and, and, and… What can I say? It was fun and we were supporting the local economy.

Here's a picture of the niece having a pretty awesome time!

Saturday night we had a wonderful bonfire on the beach. The rain held off until we had burned both bundles of firewood and a stack of driftwood. By then it was approaching midnight so we didn’t mind.

We collected too many pounds of beautiful rocks and spectacular chunks of wave sculpted wood. The hotel was great; a two bedroom suite with a big deck and the only thing between us and the surf was driftwood. There is some massive driftwood in Northern Washington!

Yeah, that's me standing on the root end of this log. Amazing! Here are some pix from the other end:

That's Zoe. And here's one of me:

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend. We all had a fantastic time, everyone got along splendidly. When we got home, all the pets were in fine fettle (ok, the cats were mad for a little while, but that’s to be expected.)

Here's a picture of my adorable gf, in her senior portrait pose... :-)

She's pretty darned cute!

I would definitely recommend this trip to any Twilight fan. We had a wonderful time! We do have some suggestions for the Forks chamber of commerce, though. They could be doing so much more!

And, last but not least, here's a picture of what it looks like to be riding on the back of your favorite mythical creature:

They go fast!

I'm still here!

2011-03-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog Friends,

I’ve been neglecting you. I’m sorry! It’s not that I don’t think of you, I do, and frequently. It’s just that for the past month or so everything that came out of these fingertips was so negative that I grew weary with myself. I chose not to bore you with my whining. And, what did that leave me with? Right. Not a lot. I’m working on that. Working on having a better attitude, on finding some good in what I do, on seeing that damned glass as half full (or completely full!), you know, trying to put a little positive energy into my life. So, I’ll keep working on that, but in the meantime I do have something fun to report.

On Thursday night my daughter arrives in town. Yay! That’s always good. On Friday at noon we are heading out for an adventure. Yay!

Me, T, Zoe and Angela are going on a weekend trip to Forks, Washington. It’s the home of the vampires from the Twilight books and movies. Personally, I don’t give a hoot about the damn books or movies, but our girls are excited about it and it’s just fun to get away. We are going to stop at all of the marked destinations and take plenty of photographs. We will be staying in La Push, home of the werewolves, mostly because the hotels (both of them) in Forks didn’t look all that great. Also, this way we get a beach weekend out of the trip too! Bonus!

Of course, a beach weekend is wonderful but we are just the tiniest bit worried about more tsunami action and radioactive fallout. But, hell, what’s the sense in worrying? We’ll be breathing the fallout regardless and if there’s another tsunami, well, at least we’ll be in the front row. All kidding aside, I think it’s safe. (And, please don't think I am being insensitive about Japan. I have been in touch with my Japanese friends and have sent the most needed thing - money.)

So, next week I may even be able to post some pictures of us having fun. About time!

The Best Valentine's Day Ever

2011-02-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

Several years ago, when my daughter and my best friend lived with me, we three single gals had a spontaneous and wonderful Valentine’s Day.

Often, Valentine’s Day (or VD as we like to call it), can have a sour note for the singletons. Nobody to shower all of that love and affection on, nobody to shower you back. But, it doesn’t have to be that way!

Instead of pissing and moaning, we three decided ~ independently of each other ~ to spread a little VD love around our household. When we were all three home from work and school, Lisa said, “I have a little something for you girls.” At which point Zoe and I looked at each other, eyebrows raised, and said, “Hang on, me too!”

We all trotted upstairs and came down with our offerings. It was better than the Gift of the Magi!

Lisa bought each of us a heart-shaped pin; three of them, all matching. Zoe bought each of us a small, heart-shaped box of chocolates. I bought each of us a bouquet of flowers. We arrived back in the living room and laughed and laughed. Each of us had candy, flowers and jewelry!

We may have been short of lovers that year, but we weren’t short of love.

Question for you bloggers

2011-02-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

Does your partner/girlfriend/wife/significant other read your blog? Does she (he) know about your blog? How do you handle that?

I have two blogs. This one, where I ~~bitch~~ talk about my gf and our relationship, our crazy families, my doubts and occasional delights. The other blog is for my family and friends that I know in RL. It's less gay and more topical to Portland. Although, I have plenty of gay friends and readers on that blog as well. It's not a gay vs not gay thing, ok! It's really just a matter of spilling my guts to you all in a way that I can't to my family and friends. They would probably all hate me or hate my gf. Gah! Complicated!

So, how do other people handle that? Do you let your s.o. read your stuff and just shrug it off? Of course, many of you never have a cross word to say about your lovers, and how great for you, so it wouldn't matter if she read your blog. But, for those of you who are in a similar situation to mine, what do you do?

One funny thing is that I can hardly get T to read my family blog. So, really, I shouldn't be worried! Right?

Here's the link to my family blog. Feel free to read and comment or ignore. I don't know why I am stressing about this. Do I feel ... deceitful? Sneaky? Less than open? I guess I am. Does it matter? Am I overanalyzing? Probably. Sigh. Anyway...

www.pdxreport.blogspot.com

Well, that explains a lot!

2011-02-03T11:01:00.000-08:00

I did drink a lot of Ovaltine as a kid...

Sometimes I make myself laugh...

2011-02-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

I was on the bus early this morning and somewhere along 5th Avenue downtown I looked up and saw Mt Hood perfectly silhouetted between two apartment towers. The sun was coming up behind the mountain and the sky was just starting to glow pink.

I got out my phone to take a quick picture to share with you:

Yeah, that's right. Pointed the damn thing the wrong way and took a picture of myself and another random bus rider on the Number 8!

Go ahead and laugh! It's funny! I was laughing; still am.

:-)

January

2011-01-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

So, January, and those pesky resolutions. Hmph.

We are still on track with our dietary changes and I'm still on track with my decluttering project, so that's good. The 3 day weekend was a challenge in the snacking department, but overall we handled it pretty well. The best news about all of this is:

We are not lushes!

Since we decided to give our livers a rest during January, we haven't had a drop of alcohol. I was worried that it would be difficult, but thankfully, we are not yet addicted. There have been a couple of times when we struggled, but we didn't cave in and I'm happy for both of us.

That being said, I'm looking forward to February!

Me just now and weekend!

2011-01-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

I cut my hair short this week. Whew! What a relief! That chin length bob was irritating me. Here is a blurry cell phone pict...

It's out of my face, and I like that.

What else is going on?
Three day weekend! Thank you, Dr King! I know I should be doing something worthwhile and altruistic, but I am going to start on a new project.

I think that the two most popular resolutions that are made in January are:

1) Lose weight

2) Declutter

I’m going for both!

T and I have started a weight loss plan that seems to be having some positive effect already. Yay for that! Next up for me is the long process of decluttering my house and life.

Here’s the thing, I have a two story house with a basement and an attic. I’m happy to say that the attic is completely empty. It’s the basement that is an absolute embarrassment. I’m not exaggerating when I say that! I don’t let people down in my basement because it is a disaster of epic proportions.

When I moved in to my house, I had too much stuff but couldn’t make decisions about letting it go. Add to that a moderate tendency to be a packrat, a strong attachment to things of sentimental value, and a desire to reuse and repurpose everything rather than throw it away and you have a recipe for junk.

I did pretty well last spring when I took a week off work to clear out some of the basement. I took 3 or 4 loads of junk to the dump. Yes I did! And I was proud of myself, because it was hard, dirty, and at times wrenching work. I had to throw away stuff from my daughter’s childhood and that made me sad. But, I had two “water intrusions” as they say in the home repair business, and I had to clear out the stuff that was ruined.

The first water issue was when the water heater sprung a leak. The second was a leak in the basement wall under a downspout. The result of these two leaks was that I had to move crap from one side of the basement to another and then back again. What had once been reasonably orderly was now complete chaos.

As I said, I cleared out a lot of it last spring, but there is still much work to be done. Here’s my new plan: I’m going to empty one box per week (minimum, more is ok too) for the entire year. Yes, I realize that might only add up to 52 boxes, but that should make a difference right? I might put a widget in the sidebar here to keep track and increase my accountability. Feel free to ask how that project is going… I’ll need prodded from time to time.

NFL Playoffs

2011-01-07T15:11:00.000-08:00

SEAHAWKS v SAINTS!

Look for us near the end zone, cuz we are going to the game!!!

WOO HOO!!!!

Seasonal Affective Disorder

2011-01-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

It’s not just the winter blues, it’s the winter blues on steroids. It’s the winter blues that have been working out and pumping iron and are coming after you. It’s the winter blues that take no prisoners.

Yes, I suffer from this disorder. It’s prevalent in the Pacific Northwest and in other places that are either very cloudy or very far north. Lots of research has been done in places like Norway. Go figure.

One of the therapies for SAD is the use of light. There are two main directions you can go with light therapy. One is the full spectrum light box that you sit in front of for a period of time every morning. Many people use this while having their morning coffee and reading the paper (or checking their Faceboob page). The other method is the dawn simulator lamp. I use both.

My wonderful, sympathetic, loving partner got me both types of lights for Christmas. What perfect gifts! We had two Christmas’ this year; the first with my daughter early in the month and then again with T’s family on the actual date. T gave me the light box on the first occasion and the dawn simulator lamp on the second.

I used the light box for a couple of weeks and while I couldn’t feel a dramatic difference I think it might have helped. The odds were not in favor of success, though. My kid had made a short visit and while it is always fantastic to spend time with her, the saying goodbye part leaves me down in the dumps for awhile. I’m still using the light every morning because… why not? Anything that will help seems like a good idea.

The dawn simulator lamp is the most wonderful, brilliant, inspired creation in the history of lamps! In the history of getting up early! I LOVE IT. For reals. I have been using it for two weeks and can give it a solid recommendation. It has already had a noticeable and positive effect on my mood.

Here’s how it works: you set the alarm for the time you want to get up – in my case 4:45 am. A half hour before that time the lamp turns on and starts gradually getting brighter and brighter. When it gets to the alarm time, it is at full brightness and it also makes sound. Mine is set to chirping birds! You can choose a buzzer or the radio as well, but the birds are charming. I begin to wake up about 10 or 15 minutes into the cycle but don’t feel pressured to jump out of bed. By the time the lamp is at full brightness I feel ready to get up, although sometimes I’ll lie there for a few minutes listening to the chirpy birds (who, by the way, get louder and louder).

The only downside to the miraculous lamp is if you have a bedmate who gets up after you and can’t sleep through it. Fortunately for me, T sleeps through most things and even if the light bothered her she wouldn’t want me to stop using it. When I get up, I prop up a couple of pillows to shield her face from the light. The first couple of times I turned the lamp off when I got up, but that just made the darkness feel more oppressive. Now I leave it on while I take my shower and only turn it off after I am dressed and ready to go downstairs.

I have definitely noticed an improvement in my depression and I feel confident in saying that it is a direct result of the dawn simulator lamp. I should have bought one years ago, but I have one now. If you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, I highly recommend that you get one of these. Best money spent on mental health ever!

Catching up with Bullets!

2011-01-04T10:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! The resolution? Just like everyone else… lose weight. We are trying some new strategies this time, though. One should help: we’ve stopped drinking. We are not drinking alcohol for one month and, when February rolls around we will limit ourselves to weekends only. Sigh. Talk about a sacrifice!

Besides needing to lose weight and detox, I am also resolving to call my friends more often. My two best friends live in California and I miss them a lot. The phone is a poor substitute but it will have to do.

Changing up my teaching schedule. I have been teaching kids classes two evenings a week and starting in February I’m going to be teaching a women’s self defense class one afternoon a week. Much as I love the kids, I’m looking forward to the change.

Changing up my work schedule. My department is undergoing some changes in leadership and I am going to switch from working the early day shift to the “white man” hours, ie: more like 8:00 to 5:00. I am going to position myself to take my manager’s job because, for one thing, I already do the majority of it, and for another thing, he’s a putz and a useless one at that. It will take a fair amount of strategy but I’ve developed some skill in that arena. Wish me luck!

Also pursuant to the job strategy: new shoes. And clothes. But, I hate shopping and I’m not buying any clothes until I shed some weight. But, I do need some office shoes. Athletic shoes just don’t send the same message.

Hair cut! For some damned reason I decided to grow out my hair, and specifically my bangs this past year. They are just now to the point where I can tuck them behind my ears so I am almost there. But, I realized that I now have the same haircut as my mom and much as I love her, I don’t want to look like her! I browsed through some awesome styles at dykehaircuts.tumblr.com and I have an appointment on Monday to chop it all off. Nothing too dramatic; I don't want to scare the administration.

· Other than that, my goal for the New Year is to keep doing what I’m doing and love life and the people around me. How about you? Goals, resolutions, dreams?

Holiday giving

2010-12-27T14:43:00.000-08:00

We survived the holiday. It was touch and go a few times, but we made it. The very best part? Walking dogs at the animal shelter at 6am on Christmas morning.

My girlfriend volunteers at the county animal shelter, walking and bathing dogs, and occasionally driving them to a new shelter or rescue outfit. Her regular walk day is Saturday, at 6am. It's the shift called potty walk for very good reason. So, with the holiday falling on a Saturday, we weren't sure how many people would show up. I offered to go with her and help out. It's overwhelming but the dogs are so damned grateful to get out of the kennel for a few minutes.

We took them little chunks of cheese and various dog treats. They were wonderful, adorable and heartbreaking. T knows that she can't bring anymore home, but she would love to. It's hard not to!

It was definitely the best part of the day.

Holiday Greeting Cards

2010-12-21T09:49:00.000-08:00

Does anyone send holiday greeting cards anymore? Also known as Christmas cards? Do you?

I remember when my bff, Lisa, lived with us and between her set of friends and acquaintances and mine we had dozens and dozens of cards. Not a day would go by in December without a card or several in the mailbox. I have a box of small, gold colored paper clips that I used to string together and pin up along the wainscoting. We would hang the cards along this shiny garland. In the heyday of cards we would have the whole living room swagged with holiday greetings.

This year, I have received five so far. Five. Sadly, one of them is from the store where I bought my bike! It's pretty, though, so I'm keeping it up. There are too few to string up the paperclip chains so they are sharing the mantel with some other decorations. There's plenty of room for the five of them! In the old days, only the photo cards were on the mantel.

In case you were going to ask, yes, I did send out cards. Not as early as Miss Georgiana, whose card arrived the day after Thanksgiving, but early-ish in the month.

Is this just a thing of the past? Are the days of sending cards made of paper through the postal service over? If so, that's kinda sad. It's a holdover from the time before email. It's hard to display an e-card on the mantel.

THEY ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

2010-12-14T09:48:00.001-08:00

Partly, I think, it was the way I was raised. My parents didn’t fight much and never in front of us kids. They may have been tense around us occasionally, but there was never shouting, or even bickering for that matter.

And, then I was married to a crazy man for several years and learned more than I ever should have about fighting. And running.

So, to me, when there is shouting and slamming of doors and attitude and petulance and throwing things and bad behavior; to me, it signals the end. It means that we are on that one way path to goodbye.

Mind you, this was between T and the teenager. I can’t blame it all on the teenager, either. But, it’s her family and she is surely used to the way they are by now. I’m the innocent bystander in this latest round of family drama.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of their family histrionics. I’m tired of it affecting my life.

I’m being supportive of my partner, and attempting to help her get this kid through her freshman year of high school. And, when the kid misbehaves and drama ensues, I am being supportive of my partner by explaining things like consequences. Behavior X results in Consequence X. A parent must be consistent and reasonable in addressing behavior. Tell her what the consequence of her behavior is and then stick to it. Once the kid has chosen to behave badly there is no room for negotiation.

T is just at the beginning of this rough voyage through parental waters. I hope her ship doesn’t capsize. I hope I don’t throw them both overboard. I have been tempted.

A Holiday of Sorts

2010-12-10T14:04:00.000-08:00

My daughter came for a visit last weekend. Being the lowest on the seniority list, she couldn’t get either of the official holidays off, so we celebrated last weekend instead. It was fantastic to see her. It definitely wasn’t enough time, since she was only here Friday through Monday, but I’ll take what I can get.

She and I spent most of Friday running around shopping and getting stuff together for our little family holiday. I don’t know what to call it ~ it wasn’t Thanksgiving, and it wasn’t Christmas or Hanukah (or Kwanzaa, for that matter). It was too early for the Solstice. I’ll have to settle on Zoe-mas.

On Saturday we had dinner at my parent’s house. My mentally ill brother was there, which is very rare. He came over because, like the rest of us, he loves and misses the Kid. She is such a ray of sunshine that even the depressed feel cheery. We opened up gifts and had pie and it felt very festive.

Sunday we did a few things that she wanted to do in Portland, like a visit to Powell’s (surely one of the best bookstores of all time). We walked the dogs, and petted the cats, we played a few games with the teenager, and basically just enjoyed each other’s company. Went back over to the grandparent’s house to hang out with them again.

Then on Monday, she was gone.

Not surprisingly, I’ve been depressed all week. T thinks that if she can be relentlessly cheerful around me I’ll ‘snap out of it.’ She doesn’t understand but I know that she is motivated by compassion. I told her (fairly gently) that it would be better to just leave me alone to wallow in it for a couple of days and I’ll recover. She likes to solve things though, so that’s hard for her.

We’ve got a busy weekend coming up. On Saturday I’m subbing for a friend who is out of town, then another friend is having her 40^th birthday party. We’re getting our tree on Sunday. I guess we are still getting ready for Christmas, although the part that matters to me is over. Oh, I’ll suck it up and act appropriately, but I confess to feeling indifferent to the rest of the holiday season.

It doesn’t help my mood that it has been dark and rainy since the Kid left. We had some lovely crisp, sunny days while she was here, but it’s been raining hard ever since. Just the weather for a bout of depression.

Sorry to be so gloomy, but my usual Pollyanna nature is hiding under the covers and refuses to come out.

More Adventures in Lesboland

2010-12-01T10:22:00.000-08:00

If you are a lesbian who has lived in Portland during the last 15 years, chances are good that you have checked out a bar called The Egyptian Room, commonly known as the E Room.

It’s a dark labyrinth of a bar, with a room for karaoke, a room for dancing, a room for video poker and pool, a room for special events and a full service bar in every room. There are big bull dyke bouncers at the door and snarky, aloof bartenders serving drinks. Attitude runs rampant at the E Room.

Well, I should say that attitude ran rampant at the E Room. It closed a month or two ago, leaving the Portland lesbo crowd with one less watering hole. It has been transformed into something called “Weird Bar.” Apparently the owners decided that the lesbian crowd could not sustain them any longer and wanted to open it up to all ‘weird’ walks of life. I won’t bore you with the details of the fallout that caused. Suffice it to say that many lesbians are looking for a new place to drink.

I was never a fan of the E Room and only went there on rare occasions. Too much of the aforementioned attitude. Too many youngsters and their dramas. Too dark and stinky and… sticky.

Last weekend T and I took a chance on a gay bar that is right around the corner from the house. It is decidedly male. I’ve been in there a couple of time over the years, but the service and attitude were very hostile to women and who needs that? But, it was Saturday night and we wanted to go somewhere quiet and have a drink and hold hands. We had walked to a local restaurant and wanted to continue our evening on foot and not have to drive or take the bus downtown.

We went in to Joq’s and the first thing I noticed was that it was a lot cleaner and had undergone a makeover. We were greeted warmly by the bartender and even though we were the only women in there we didn’t feel awkward at all. The guys weren’t unfriendly but left us alone. Well, all except the one straight guy in the place. He said hello, which I responded to, but then he wanted to challenge us to a game of pool, which we were not interested in playing. After I turned my back towards him he shut up. For a while. A bit later a couple of younger guys came in and were sitting near us. Mr Irritating Straight Man said hello to them and then asked them if they wanted to play pool. They declined. Then he said, “You’re weenies. You’re just a couple of weenies. Weenie, weenie, weenie.” The bartender was in the back and didn’t hear any of that, but we heard it and my brave and beautiful girlfriend called him on it. She looked over at him and said, “That’s not a nice thing to say. You need to stop.” When he started to argue with her, she said, “Just leave them alone. They don’t want to play pool with you. And don’t call anyone names, it’s not nice.” What a champion! She made a couple of friends that night.

Bus-bians

2010-11-16T10:42:00.000-08:00

I rode the bus in to work late this morning. I will spare you the scenes of domestic drama that necessitated the lateness; suffice it to say: the teenager. At any rate, it meant that I was riding with a completely different set of passengers.

A pair of young lesbians got on and quickly surveyed the seating choices. There were no spots with two seats together. As they came to the back of the bus, one sat down in an aisle-side seat and, rather than sit across the aisle from her girlfriend, the other one stood right next to the first. It looked very chivalrous, as if she were protecting her gf from a potential random encounter. It might have been just that she liked leaning in and getting a little extra closeness before they had to start their day. At any rate, it was pretty sweet and it made me smile.

Of no importance whatsoever

2010-11-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

I don't care which way the toilet paper goes on the holder: over or under, doesn't matter to me. What bugs me is when the last square or two of tp doesn't come off the cardboard tube neatly. Now, that is irritating.

0prah and Gay1e

2010-11-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, I’ll admit it, sometimes I like to watch 0prah when I get home from work. Not all the time, but she often has interesting guests and she’s just so… out there. I’d watch Ellen if I could (gotta support the team), but she is on too early.

This week, 0prah devoted a couple of shows to the camping trip that she and Gay1e took to Yosemite. As they were heading into the pop-up trailer at bed time, Gay1e said something like: this will add to those lesbian rumors! We got a chuckle out of that.

I’m of two minds on the whole 0prah and Gay1e thing. Here’s what I think:

1) They are gay and 0prah is building up to the big reveal at the end of this, her final season. She has been having a lot of openly gay people on the show talking about coming out. She could be preparing, laying the ground work, getting her audience ready. But she could also be building compassion for others, participating in her own way in the ‘It Gets Better’ movement. I mean, 0prah has been an advocate for the gays for a long time. But, why? Because she is a good and accepting person or because she is gay but can’t risk her reputation? Could go either way, right?

2) They are not gay. They are best friends who have lived together, traveled together, had all kinds of adventures together but, because they are single, middle-aged women, well, they must be gay. This attitude is prevalent and it makes me mad. Why can’t two women just be friends? Why can’t two middle-aged, single, lifelong pals be just that… friends through thick and thin, but not lovers. My best friend of over 35 years is straight. We have lived together, traveled together, had all kinds of adventures together but never been lovers. How can this be?

I used to try to explain to people, when they assumed that Lisa and I were girlfriends, that no, we were just friends. They would say, “Oh no, I didn’t think that!” while their faces said, ‘why is she hiding it? It’s obvious that she’s gay’. Well, yes, I am gay, but my best friend is not. Too bad for her, but that’s how it goes. Even my own grandmother assumed that Lisa was my girlfriend, which was sweet in an accepting kind of way, but incorrect.

So, two women who choose each other’s company over that of a man’s are suspect. How dare we not need them! The patriarchy is threatened by all of this woman power stuff. How tedious, how tired, how last century is all that? Didn’t we already fight that battle? Yes, we did, and we still are fighting it, and we have never won and it’s not over.

What am I trying to say here? Well, first of all, I’m saying that I don’t care if 0prah and Gay1e are gay. I hope for their sakes that they are and that they can come out but that’s just my pro-gay bias. Mostly, I am trying to say that old patterns of thought need to change and people need to quit judging by whatever archaic standards they were taught in the previous millennium. It’s time to stop with the attitude folks! I’m not going to go into my feminist diatribe ~ but believe me, I could! I am just fed up with this old, useless crap. Women can be friends with each other and it has absolutely nothing to do with men. Don’t get your feelings hurt fellows, it’s just not about you all the time.

Blog Blast for Peace

2010-11-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

Dona Nobis Pacem

From my family to yours...

Helen meets Mr Darcy

2010-11-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

Our friend Chris rode her new bike over last weekend to watch a football game with us. Look how pretty Mr Darcy is! He and Helen look very well together! That's Helen on the right, with the basket.

They both have the green/brown color scheme, and they are almost exactly the same color!

We like our bikes!

Equal time

2010-10-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been complaining about my girlfriend and her issues around jealousy. In the interest of fairness I have to say that I have my own issues that drive her crazy.

I’m really struggling.

The big one for me is communication. Specifically, I don’t call and let her know where I am and when I am coming home. I have been working on this one and doing better ~ until last night.

I taught my usual two classes and afterwards went to our other school to watch and participate in a test. A couple of my favorite teammates were testing for their next rank and I wanted to be there. I had told T that I would be doing this. Apparently, I also told her that I would call her on my way to the other school. I don’t remember saying that, but I could have. I also told her, and I do remember this, that I would stay for about an hour at the test.

Well, it didn’t work out that way. I stayed much longer. And, the bad thing is, I never called. I didn’t call on the way there; I didn’t call when I got there; I didn’t call to say I would be staying later.

It’s very inconsiderate behavior. I know that. It’s not intentional on my part. I just didn’t think about it. There are no clocks in the training hall during a test, so I didn’t have that visual reminder of time slipping away, but I should have realized how much later it was getting.

I’m not sure why this is such a struggle for me. I like think it’s a couple of things. One, I was not in a committed relationship for many years and I haven’t had to check in with anyone. And, two, I hate the feeling of being on a leash.

These explanations don’t really work all that well, though. For one thing, T and I have been together for nearly three years and you’d think I’d be somewhat used to it by now. And the leash thing? Yeah, she’s not saying don’t go, she’s just saying let me know. That’s not unreasonable.

So, I don’t know why this is such a huge stumbling block for me. It’s come up in our counseling sessions before and trust me, it will again… we have an appointment tonight so I’ll have to go over it all in detail. Now, there’s something to look forward to. I hope that we can talk about it and get it over with and get on with the rest of the weekend. One good thing about T is that she doesn’t hold onto that kind of negative feeling very long. Here’s hoping!

What a weekend

2010-10-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

Some weekends make one glad to go back to work. This past weekend was one of those.

The worst part:
On Monday, T's youngest niece died. No, not the one that lives with us. This little girl was only 7 years old and her entire life was a tragedy. She was profoundly autistic, and had both a seizure disorder and a bleeding disorder among her various medical issues. She has been wearing a helmet for the past year or so to protect her head during the seizures. Horrible story short: subdural hematoma that couldn't be fixed. Poor, poor little thing. The funeral was Saturday.

The rest of it:
The niece that lives with us was away for the weekend ~ a volleyball tournament that her cousin was competing in on the other side of the state. So, we decide that Friday would be date night. Got some takeout, rented some lesbo flicks and went home to canoodle. T decided to watch a tv program that she likes first and I said, sure, I'll check my email while you are doing that. She is reading over my shoulder and demands to know what one particular friend of mine was emailing me about. I reminded her that we had invited this couple over for dinner and we are trying to pick a date. She became irrationally jealous and demanded to see the email. I refused. I've been hooked up with crazy before and nobody runs my life but me. No, you may not read my email. Either you love me, trust me and want to be with me or you don't. It's actually pretty simple.

Eventually the shouting died down. The evening was ruined.

Salvaged:
T's best friend came over to watch football with us on Sunday morning. That was pleasant. The Seahawks scraped a win over Chicago, the Saints won but we didn't get to see that game.

Monday:
Happy to have a job that pays the bills, and somewhere to go 5 days a week.

I need to get my life back.

I don't get it

2010-10-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

I just don't understand why the gender of the person I sleep with is of any interest to anyone. Why does it matter? Seriously, who the hell cares? We are good people, charitable and kind, pay our taxes, don't cause trouble, pick up after our dogs, contribute to our communities... what difference can it possibly make to anyone if we are both women?

Where is eb?

2010-10-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

eb? are you still around? how come your blog won't render in any of my browsers???

hope everything is ok...

Google Ads

2010-10-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Why does Google ads keep asking me if I am "Still a Girl Hunter"? Damn it, I'm in a committed relationship!

I swear I thought I saw...

2010-09-29T15:13:00.001-07:00

a squirrel riding a raft down the Willamette River yesterday. A little raft, just a squirrel sized raft. No paddle, no sail, just a couple of pieces of wood lashed together.

I wonder; where was he going?

Teenagers. Go figure.

2010-09-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

Come Monday it all turned around. I don’t know if she still wants to move back to Gramma’s house, but her sullen attitude has disappeared and she is back to her good natured self. That’s a relief. I wasn’t looking forward to kicking her and T out of the house. Much.

Reversal

2010-09-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Well, after busting our butts to make everything work out for the niece, she wants to move back to Gramma’s house. Sheesh.

She spent the weekend with her grandmother, T’s mom. On Friday afternoon she didn’t want to go at all. But, her granny misses her and we were going out on Saturday night, and it just seemed like a good time to have her spend the weekend over there. So, even though she was dragging her feet, she was hauled over the river for the weekend.

When we picked her up yesterday afternoon, wow, did we ever get the attitude! We walked in the door, she glared at us and said, “I’m not ready.” Ok. Fine. Finish what you are doing and we’ll go when you are ready.

Gramma had treated her like visiting royalty, apparently. Bought her new outfits, took her for a haircut, let her skip church, basically let her do whatever she wanted. I know that since she has grown up there, Gramma’s house is her comfort zone. But, Gramma was on her best behavior and not treating her like she ordinarily does. Ordinary is bossing her around but never letting her make a decision; lots of yelling but very little communication; never going anywhere but Walmart (unless it’s Costco). Gramma also sent her home with bags of junk food ~ a giant box of pop tarts, a giant bag of candy corn, bags of chips. We are not starving the girl by any stretch, but we don’t keep candy or pop tarts in the house and chips are a treat, not a staple.

She is also extremely good at manipulating Gramma and her dad and brother. She is smarter than her dad and brother and knows it and runs them pretty mercilessly. And, since Grandma is nearly deaf, A sasses her all the time and Gramma can’t hear it.

She has also decided that the mainstream classes she fought to get into are too hard and she doesn’t want to go anymore.

So, we head back to the house and she is silent the whole way. Comes in the house, picks up the laptop and marches straight up to her room. Won’t exchange a word with us. T goes up to her room to talk to her and it’s the typical pulling of teeth to get anything from her. Then, the usual method of handling any conflict in their family begins. T calls her sister, and then calls her mom. Mom says, don’t get your sister involved. T calls her sister back and says let’s leave it alone for right now. T goes upstairs to talk to A. Calls back her sister. Her sister then calls the teenager. Round and round and round.

And me? I’m watching football. I don’t care about the Jets or the Dolphins but I’ll find anything engrossing enough to stay out of that mess.

I leave for work before A gets up, so I don’t know how the morning went. I’m sure I’ll get an earful this afternoon, though.

Remind me; why are we doing this?

Because it’s not always about us… thankfully!

2010-09-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

T stuck her nose in someone else’s business last weekend. Not usually a good idea and she almost got it bitten off this time.

T has had a couple of relationships end because of cheating. The most painful was with a woman she really thought she would spend the rest of her life with. And the worst thing? Yep, her girlfriend left her for a man. Ugh. She’s pretty sensitive about the whole issue.

So, last weekend we were supposed to go to a party at an old friend’s house. T has known this woman for decades but had fallen out of touch over the last 5 or 6 years. They reconnected early this year and have been hanging out a little and just having a good time reminiscing about days gone by.

This old gal, Buck and her girlfriend, Tiffany, have been together for about a dozen years. They are an odd pair, but pretty well suited. They like some pretty kinky stuff and it can’t be that easy to find a partner who goes in for that kind of … pleasure.

T called Tiffany on Friday to ask what we should bring to the party and got an earful! It seems that Buck had taken off for the beach with another mutual friend. Not only that, but left with her strap and toys packed to go. She even had the nerve to tell Tiffany to go out and buy a new strap for when she got home! [Insert stunned expression here.]

T immediately called Buck’s cell phone and left a message. Then she left a text for Pam, the mutual “friend.” Both had posted something on their FB walls and T commented on both of them. Ok, here’s my confession: when T read to me what Pam had written, I offered a comment. But, really it was because I thought it sounded more poetic.
Pam said, “What a great day!”
T’s comment, “A beautiful day for betrayal.” That was mine. T was going to say something like: you are a nasty, trashy ho and I hope you drown in the ocean.

Then T called Tiffany back and they talked for quite some time about how horrible it all was. There was some more back and forthing with the cheaters (I’ll just add that Pam is both married to a man and has a steady girlfriend) and with Tiff and eventually Tiffany told T to butt out and let her fight her own battles. Buck and Pam both defriended T on FB.

Now, all of that is just ugly and sordid bad behavior. And who cares, right? T is worried now, though, because tomorrow night we are going to the once-a-month Old Gals dance downtown and she is pretty sure that Buck and Pam will be there. She is such a weenie, she is afraid that they will be mean to her. I find that hilarious. First of all, I’m a black belt and tough little scrapper and not afraid to fight. I know they won’t try anything physical, but if they did I would actually enjoy that. We so rarely get to use our skills! Second of all, what are they going to do? Glare at us? Call us names? I’m sorry but that just doesn’t scare me. And it won’t hurt my feelings, either.

What a bunch of stupid dyke drama. And at our age, for crying out loud! They all need to just grow the hell up. Acting like a bunch of teenagers is not attractive.

September is Bike Commute Challenge!

2010-09-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

I participated last year, but this year I am committed to riding 100% of the month. I rode about half of July and all but one day in August, and so far I have ridden every work day in September. I was wavering one morning last week when the rain was pouring down but one of my coworkers texted me and asked if she could ride with me. What could I say? “Meet me at Multnomah and 16th.” And off we went into the watery world of the Pacific Northwest.

Here are just a few observations from my ride.

I don’t wear makeup and it’s a good thing. The morning of the downpour I reached up to wipe the streaming rain off my chin and could feel the moisturizer running down my neck.

It’s good to wear contacts in the rain. Without windshield wipers for your glasses, it’s a pretty blurry ride.

Men don’t have enough opportunities to wear skin-tight clothing. The fully outfitted, spandex-clad gear heads make up a large part of the biking public around here. I have noticed that men particularly like to wear those full-on bike outfits; you know the ones, with the sport logo jerseys and the skin-tight pants. When they are walking their bikes through a pedestrian area, they can often be seen stroking their legs and prancing just a little. I believe that they like the feel of their legs encased in smooth, clingy fabric. If men were ‘allowed’ to wear clingy fabrics in their every day lives, they would be more likely to bike in ordinary clothes.

I love my bike. Love, love, love my bike. LOVE. MY. BIKE!

My bike is the most elegant thing I own. I don’t wear elegant clothes; I don’t drive an elegant car… when you look at me you are more likely to think ‘practical’ rather than elegant. But my bike, ahh, she is lovely. I’ve named her Helen M*rren because she is elegant, beautiful and tough (and sessy!). She is a Trek Allant, the green women’s version. She has two full fenders, which are essential in this climate. She came with a frame for a front basket and I have found one that suits her just right. My mom is going to give me her collapsible rear baskets but I am hesitating to put them on because I don’t want to mar her beauty. I will put them on eventually though. It’s that practical side of me coming out.

I feel strong when I stand up and pedal. I feel strong and young(ish) and urban. I thought it would be terrifying to ride in downtown traffic but it is not. I feel quite capable and savvy wheeling through the city streets.

I love going fast and taking a corner leaning into the angle. Well, as long as there is not too much gravel on the street.

I wear my helmet all the time, even though I would really rather not.

I don’t think I have lost any weight, dang it, but my thighs are definitely thinner. Those little pouchy saddlebags on the sides are dwindling.

I am kind of a slow rider; I rarely pass anyone. But that’s ok with me. I’m not training for the Tour d’France.

Weekend round up

2010-09-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

A little late, but a weekend round up.

Friday afternoon we went to a high school football game. The niece is attending the same high school that my daughter went to and it continues to be a funny kind of redux to go through all of this again. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know that we won the game. :-)

Friday night I went to my book group. I have been in this group for 18 years. Wow. Time just slips by. Not all of the members have kids, but about half of us have daughters the same age who all went to school together. We get the monthly update of what everyone’s kids are doing and although we don’t see them often it’s great to stay connected. We are a very lax and accepting book group and usually only half of us have read the book. Someone once suggested that we call ourselves the Book Admirers. We like the name!

Saturday morning taught a couple of little kids martial art classes, then went back to the school in the afternoon to teach a women and teen girls self defense class. There were several teenagers who were getting ready to go off to college and their moms had insisted that they take the class before they go. Thank god for moms. The teenagers never want to be there, but almost always end up enjoying it and feeling empowered. I had my usual struggle with overwhelming emotion but was able to keep moving through it. Some day the past will lose its hold over me but in the meantime I will just have to keep working at it.

On Saturday night we went to the neighborhood party that occurs at the end of summer. We live in a small neighborhood and instead of individual block parties we have one big one. We definitely wanted to go and introduce the niece to various people. She absolutely amazed me on Saturday! She is ordinarily a shy person, but at the party she really stepped out of her comfort zone. A woman I know came over to say hi and I introduced her to T and the niece. I asked her if she knew any kids who were freshmen at the same high school. She said that her twin boys were freshmen but going to different schools. She then said that there were three girls over at the house and two of them went to A’s school and would she like to come over and meet them. Amazingly, A said yes, looked at us for confirmation, and off she went. (I will add that the house was across the street from where we were sitting and the kids in full view in the living room.) I was very surprised and very proud of her for going.

Sunday we stayed home and did chores. While it’s nice to have an extra hand at the clean up, there’s more need for that extra hand in the amount of clutter, laundry, dishes, etc. But, we have divided up the chores into a rotating duty roster and everyone will get a turn to do something they don’t like. :-)

All in all it was a pretty good weekend. Not enough down time for me and I am still feeling a little beset by their family. I really must work on finding ways to create some solitude for myself. Just haven’t figured that out yet.

The First Week

2010-09-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

Here’s where I confess that I am not perfect.*

T and the niece are driving me crazy! It’s not anything specific that either of them are doing, it’s just that they are so very… there. T has a big personality and I’ve pretty much adjusted to her. But, she is unsure of herself in this new role as parent, and that is making her question me constantly about whether or not she should do this, that, or the other. Just because I have raised one kid doesn’t make me an expert! Sure, she turned out pretty well, but I made plenty of mistakes.

And the niece. She has this habit of standing right behind us. I’ve actually turned around in the kitchen and bumped into her, she was so close. I understand that she is in a new environment, that she doesn’t know me all that well, that everything in her life has changed, but please child, give me some room! She is following me around like a puppy.

And then there’s the rest of the family! T’s sister is on the phone every day and has been over to the house several times. T’s mom and brother and nephew have been over. Of course they miss the girl and want to see her room and all of that stuff, and it’s all good in general, but there is just no break from them. I feel like it’s ten thousand of them versus one of me. I’m outnumbered!

The topper? T offered to dog-sit for an ex of hers this week. We have an elderly miniature dachshund underfoot as well. ARGH! One that is pampered and treated like a baby and expects to sleep IN the BED with me and T. Under the covers! And came to our house stinky and with FLEAS! It’s too much.

One week down, three years and fifty one weeks to go…

*Just for the record, I do not think that I am perfect. I am a flawed individual who is showing signs of strain.

What's new?

2010-08-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

What’s new with me, you ask? Well, pull up a chair!

My mom is having a skin cancer removed today. I’m waiting anxiously to hear how it goes. Of course, the lab work won’t be done for several days and as we all know, the waiting is the hardest part. I’m actually nervous as hell, because she survived breast cancer a dozen years ago but still smokes. Stubborn old thing. I’m holding the good thought.

Last weekend I completed my apprenticeship as a self defense instructor. Yay! Whew! I am so glad that is done! It’s been a long two years, but I finished. So, what happens now? I continue teaching self defense, but now I get paid for it. There isn’t enough work for me to quit my day job, but my long term plan is to reduce my job to part time and teach self defense on the other days. We’ll see how that will play out.

My partner’s niece is moving in with us next week. I am deeply ambivalent about this, but on balance I know it’s the right thing to do. Still, what middle aged, retired-from-parenting, hard working, busy, menopausal woman would be jumping for joy over this? The girl has been living with her grandmother (T’s mom) for over ten years and while she was young it was an acceptable arrangement. Now that she is an adolescent, however, it’s not working. Grandma is tired and cranky. She is also nearly completely deaf. Oh my god, the shouting at their house! I can’t stand it. They are all loud talkers anyway, but now that their mom’s hearing has gone, it is just too damned loud.

Angela is fifteen and starting as a freshman this year. She is one year behind her peers chronologically, but many years behind academically. She definitely has a learning disability and has been in special ed for the last few years, but I have to disagree with the diagnosis on her IEP. They have labeled her as mentally retarded, but I think she needs to be retested. We have an appointment next week with the school counselor and will be able to ask all the questions then. She is currently reading the fourth Twilight book, so she isn’t “typically” mentally retarded.

It’s been a fair amount of work getting ready for her to move in. I’m giving up my sewing room/guest room. I took a week off work to clear it out and sort through stuff and I need another week to deal with it all. I didn’t realize we had so many blankets and pillows! The homeless shelters will be getting extra bedding from us. All of the other stuff is going to charity. Some things went to the basement to spend the next four years.

It’s just a lot of change. We’ll manage, of course, but the selfish part of me wants to say NO. I’m overriding that part and doing the right thing, but I’m still ambivalent about it.

A Random Update from My Crazy Life

2010-07-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

Good: I’ve been riding my bike to work for the past few weeks. It feels so good! I got a new bike for my birthday (thanks baby!) and it is such a pleasure to ride. My route is about 5 miles long, across the river and through downtown. Portland is a pretty good place for bicyclists. There are lots of bike lanes and by and large drivers are pretty aware of bikes.

Predictable: Just when things are starting to settle down from the academic/fiscal year turnover, BAM! A new, giant project drops in my lap. One I’m not excited about. I may push it off on one of my staff…

Undecided: It’s looking more and more like my girlfriend’s niece will be moving in with us. She is spending a few days with us right now and discussions are continuing with all the adults in the family over whether or not she should move. I’m ambivalent about the whole thing, truth be told, because we would be giving up a lot of the easy parts of our daily life. We have talked about it a lot and I have told T that she is going to have to be the primary parent. She is going to have to sit down with the girl every day after school and help her with her homework. She’ll have to do the majority of the parent/teacher stuff. She’ll have to be the responsible one. Of course, I will be helping and contributing as well, but she will have to be in the driver’s seat.

We’ve had her at the house for the weekend and I’m already exhausted just by having to interact with another individual. We’ll adjust, of course, but it’s not going to be easy. Good thing she’s a pretty darned good kid. Issues, yes, but overall pretty good. I know that we will be doing a good thing by having her come and live with us, but it’ll be four years of parenting to get her through high school. Sigh.

Work Plans

2010-06-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Here’s what I’m thinking about today: work, and how to do less of it.

So, my partner has been laid off and working only sporadically for the last year and a half. This is hard on both of us. Partly because of the money, of course, and partly because of the self esteem (for her) and the resentment (for me). I’m trying not to be resentful, really I am! It’s just that I hardly ever get to just hang around at home and I would love to do that more. I can tell you one thing for sure, if I had all the time off that she does, the house would be cleaner, the laundry would be caught up, the tv would NOT be on… but, to be fair, the grass would not be cut, the weeds would not be pulled… etc. She does the chores she likes. And, she cooks dinner about 95% of the time. Thank the goddess for that, otherwise we might starve. I hate to cook.

I have 16 years of service at my present employer. How did it rack up so high? Day by day, I guess. I was only going to work here a couple of years…. So, my thought now is that I will stick it out for 4 more years and get to 20. At that point, I would like to either work here part time, say 20 hours a week, or work somewhere entirely different. I won’t be old enough to collect retirement for a few more years, but I’ll be getting close. The more sensible thing would be to work here part time, since I’ll be accruing time off and sick leave at the highest rate and have all that seniority. I might look into a job share position. Ideally, I’d like to work two 10s.

The other option I am considering is training for medical coding. A lot of coders work from home, even those in my archaic department. Work one day in the office and a couple of days from home. That would be do-able.

Back to the girlfriend: she wants to do something different, and I think that is a good idea. She has been in construction for 30 years and it has taken a toll on her body. She is getting too old and stiff and sore to keep up that kind of physical work. And yet, she doesn’t want a sitting down job. She really is not an office worker. Her thought now is to work with animals, which would be perfect for her. She is looking into dog grooming, which at first I felt ambivalent about. But, what the hell, it’s her life and if that would make her happy and bring in enough income, what do I care? So she comes home smelling like a wet dog – that’s what showers are for.

She is also going back to community college just to explore some other options. This is huge for her. She hasn’t set foot in a classroom for a very long time. She is pretty nervous about it but willing to go. I’m very proud of her for that. Tonight is her first class!

So, I told her that she needed a 4 year plan. She needs to pick something and get it going well enough to pay the bills in the next 4 years. Then I can move to my part time plan and have a little spare time to futz around the house. We’ll both have a 4 year plan. I think it will work.

Here's to the future!

Catching my breath

2010-06-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

I've been busy of late. My work has been crazy, what with vacations (others, not my own), sick calls, maternity leave, etc. Some days there just aren't enough of us left to hold down the fort.

I've also been busy with my martial art and self defense instructing. I'm going to be able to finish my apprenticeship but just barely squeaking it in under the wire. Whew! Unfortunately, we are teaching a lot of kids classes right now since a 7 year old boy went missing over a week ago. Talk about a sick and sad feeling. I can't imagine what the families are going through.

We are in the middle of the house guest blitz and have a short lull before the next one. All of that should taper off in mid-July.

I've missed reading your blogs! If you have noticed a lack of commentary from me, it's only because I haven't had time to get on line... not because I am lacking an opinion about every damn thing! I'm trying to catch up, but some will just have to go unread (or at least uncommented).

Tonight is T's niece's 8th grade graduation. That's sure to be a good time... No rest for the weary!

Idiots

2010-06-03T11:16:00.002-07:00

We spent a pleasant hour this morning counter-protesting the idiots from Westb*ro Baptist Church. They were picketing at my daughter's old high school and I'm not taking that lying down. What a bunch of lunatics! All they've done is mobilize the sane people to take a stand against them. And, just before Pride!

My camera is misbehaving lately, so I only have a couple of blurry phone pictures. I'm gonna look for some pictures online, because Portland can be pretty colorful when it comes to gay protests.

That's me with the sign saying, "Don't be a HATER".

Therapy update

2010-04-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

So, the couple’s therapy. Yeah. It’s going pretty well, I think. We like our therapist. She is very gentle with us but doesn’t let us off the hook if we try and avoid stuff. She gave us a book to read (two copies, no squabbling over who gets to read first) that is pretty interesting and has some different ways of looking at arguing. It’s called, After the Honeymoon, by Daniel B Wile…. In case you’re interested.

Last week it was my turn to talk about my past. Oof. Somehow stuff I hadn’t thought about in decades was bubbling up. That makes it a lot harder to keep it shoved down and out of sight! Yes, I know, that’s kind of the point, but still. I get along just fine without dealing with my baggage. Or do I? Argh! I am not accustomed to letting someone rummage around in my head! Fortunately, I am narcissistic enough to partly enjoy talking about myself. Only partly though, because I also prefer to keep most of my feelings and thoughts to myself. All of this revelation is exhausting!

I think that it is already having a positive effect on our communication issues. We are being more considerate of each other ~ most of the time. We haven’t resolved anything, but I think we are just more aware of our words and actions. So, that’s good.

The therapist is on vacation for the next couple of weeks. We’ll see her next the day before I leave to visit my daughter. I’m sure these next two weeks will be lovely!

April 19

2010-04-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Today is my daughter’s birthday. She is 26! She is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, lovely person. I miss her every single day.

I don’t get to see her today so instead I am going to have dinner with my parents and we’ll toast her on her special day and bemoan the fact that she doesn’t live closer. I’m going to visit her in early May and I can’t wait.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl! I love you more than all the rain in the Pacific Northwest; more than all the soybeans in Iowa; more than all the fruitcake in California! You are the best thing about my life.

XOXOXOXOOXOXOX
Love,
Yr mama

Alas, poor Timmy

2010-04-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

So, last week my girl and I went shopping for a new strap. The old one just didn’t do anything for me ~ didn’t fit right, wasn’t comfortable, just wasn’t working. I really, really like the new one and have been using it enthusiastically!

Now, I have to ask a question. Does anyone else name their dildos? Surely I’m not the only one with that particular quirk. My vibrators have also been named ~ Mr Thumb and The Armadillo. Our current dildos are Timmy, the little, swirly blue one and Jeremiah, the hefty big boy.

Tragically, on Thursday evening, we had an unexpected and alarming occurrence. We were in the groove, going to town, getting close, when I murmured, “Turn over, baby.” I sat up on my knees, started to pull out, and looked down. Holy Shit on Fire! Timmy broke off! In my girl! The only thing holding him on was the condom!

Naturally, I did what a good partner does. Kept my mouth shut, grabbed the broken end and finished the job with my hand doing the work. Then, after the moaning subsided, I confessed. We killed poor little Timmy.

We laughed about that for quite a while. It’s still bringing a smile to my lips. And, another trip to the toy store is planned for this weekend…

Happy Friday!

Therapist Interviews

2010-04-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

We interviewed three therapists yesterday and have one more today. Man, am I exhausted! I’ve never actually chosen a shrink this way before and while I think it’s much better to be able to make an informed decision, it is hard to keep going over your problems with complete strangers.

Each one was different. So far the first one is the one we liked the best. She was quite participatory in her interaction with us. We are not looking for someone to just spill our guts to and then walk away. No, not into the Freudian method of talk, talk, talk. We want someone to help us understand and change some patterns we’ve fallen into that aren’t working. We need concrete suggestions. This woman understood that. She also says that she uses a collaborative method with couples ~ just using the word “collaborative” was a plus in my opinion.

The second one was lousy and we left there feeling quite depressed. She managed to elicit only negative comments from us and we both felt that this was going to lead us in the wrong direction.

The third was ok, but she was really focused on the fact that T didn’t think we needed counseling and kept on pushing her to explore that. Plus, she has some goofy fee structure that lets her charge more for afternoon and evening appointments and less for mornings. I mean, I get that supply and demand are the forces that drive our economy, but it felt too much like a slick gym membership.

So, we’ve got one more to interview today. She’ll have to be pretty awesome to beat out therapist number one.

In between our appointments two and three yesterday we were going to stop at our favorite used house parts store and look for a window for the upstairs bathroom. On the way over there I said, “Hey, let’s stop in at that new sex toy shop! I would really like a new strap!” Well, really, our relationship can’t be that bad if we are shopping for sex toys in between shopping for therapists. Right? Yes, I did get a new one and some fancy lube, and a little bullet vibrator. Too worn out to try them last night, but I’m hopeful for this afternoon/evening…. TMI? :-)

Bullets

2010-03-12T13:40:00.000-08:00

First, an apology. I’m sorry I have been so remiss in blogging! I have a lot on my plate right now and am in a bit of a funk, and that combination leaves little resource for putting coherent thoughts together. However, here are a few bullets to just scratch the surface of what’s going on in my tiny world.

• Relationship. When I told T that we needed to see a counselor, it had the effect of making us more sensitive to each other, and kinder in our communication, at least for a while. That effect has worn off, though, and we are back to our reactive patterns. My goal is to have an appointment next week and start really working on these issues.

• Work. ARGH! Still happy to be employed, but the piling on of ever more tasks is wearing me down. Also, our half-time person quit and the rest of the staff and I are taking turns doing her job one day a week. Ends up being a very unproductive day. Get this: she emailed me while she was on vacation to say that a manager in another area would be calling for a reference. Never said a word prior to that, never really turned in her notice. Brat.

• Gym. Thank god for the gym! I have only lost about 5 pounds since the beginning of the year but I know I’ve lost some girth. I can tell by the fit of my blue cords. They slip right on these days… yay! And, I just feel so good after a vigorous workout. Very good for the mental health.

• The Kid. I’m going to visit my daughter for a long weekend in May. I’m so happy about that! I haven’t seen her for a year and a half and that is just killing me. I’m only going for 4 days because I don’t want to be too much of an aggravation ~ plus, I can’t stand the boyfriend. But, she and I have some really fun gardening projects planned. We’re building some raised beds in her back yard! Another Yay!

• Deadlines. I have a deadline of June for completing my apprenticeship in the self defense instructor program. I still have several classes to teach and I am going to be pushing right up against the deadline. I can’t bear the thought of not finishing, though. I have invested a lot of time, energy and tears in this program and it means so much to me on so many levels.

• Societal despair. So damned discouraged over our country and all of the narrow minded bigots with big mouths and no brains. Will we live in a society that values all individuals… in my lifetime? I don’t know.

• Spring. The beauty of spring in Portland, and all the Pacific Northwest, is a life saver. I am appreciating it every day. Flowers, while their evolutionary purpose is to reproduce the next generation, are such a symbol of hope. I keep looking at them and feeling grateful.

• Quote. For no particular reason, let me share with you with this Akira Kurosawa quote that captures me pretty well: "I am not especially strong. I am not especially gifted. I simply do not like to show my weakness and I hate to lose, so I am a person who tries hard. That is all there is to me."

Happy Friday everyone! Happy weekend eve!

Issues

2010-03-01T14:36:00.000-08:00

Lately, my girlfriend and I have been communicating poorly. I don’t know why, but we have been getting our backs up at every little thing and getting our noses out of joint and our feelings hurt. We are taking offense at things that aren’t meant badly and are arguing way too much. I don’t like it!

Like every couple, we have our issues. They just happen to be flaring up and threatening to burn us to a scorched cinder. My biggest issue with her is her jealousy. Her biggest issue with me is (probably) my wanting to spend time with other people. Of course, I’m guessing about that because she hasn’t outright said that it’s her biggest issue. T is one of joined at the hip types. I am not. That’s an issue.

This weekend I suggested that we make an appointment with a therapist to get at this whole arguing, sniping, shitty attitude thing. She was shocked that I thought it was “bad enough.” Well, I’d rather deal with it now than let it get bigger and uglier. That road has one outlet ~ the breakup.

Of course, as soon as I said we needed to work on it, she jumped to the conclusion that I’ve met someone else. Gah! So frustrating! NO! I haven’t met anyone, I’m not looking to meet anyone, I want to be with her ~ it just shouldn’t be this hard.

So, this week I will be looking for a couples counselor, preferably a lesbian, and making an appointment. Sigh.

Oh dear...

2010-02-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

We were watching something on the news lately, something about archeology or anthropology, and my gf said, “Oh, he must be one of those nuts who think people came from monkeys.”

Where do I even start? Where do I go from there?

I’m starting to think that our differences could become insurmountable.

Biting my Tongue

2010-02-12T14:55:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend’s former sister-in-law was in town for a week and I’ve just about bitten my tongue completely off. They had a great time, and she’s a really nice woman, but the constant praising of the man they have in common was nauseating.

T’s brother has been dead for about ten years. I’ve heard a lot of stories about how charming and funny and persuasive he was. He was the family favorite, a jokester, a card, a cut-up, a great dancer, a good friend, could talk you out of the shirt on your back. Notice that he could talk you out of the shirt on your back, not that he would give you the shirt off his back.

He died of complications of hard living. He was a drug user for years – and I’m not talking pot, here. He used heroine for many, many years. He was clean from time to time but couldn’t stay sober. I’m not judging him on that count, though. There are too many substance abusers in my own family to point any fingers.

He was also a world class womanizer and a sex addict by all accounts. Some of the stories I have heard are beyond appalling. He drugged and raped one of T’s girlfriends; he beat up this gal who was visiting us four times before she finally decided she had had enough. Apparently he would fuck anything because I heard a story from T’s half-brother that Mike showed up at a job site once with a goat in his truck. Not sure I actually believe that one… But the rest of it is absolutely reprehensible.

He also embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from a business that he had with T. All gone – to be injected into his veins. He died leaving her holding the empty bag. It took her years to settle with the federal government and she still has a huge judgment against her in the state of Oregon. Oregon takes all of her tax refund every year in the nearly futile attempt to recoup the lost money. Now, since we are registered domestic partners, they take my tax refund too. Yes, yes, I can file an innocent spouse form… but still.

I know that we look at the people we love through rose colored glasses. I am hard pressed to find one redeeming quality or characteristic about this man. It is mind boggling to hear T and Amy go on and on about Mike as if he were some All American star. To me he sounds like the sleaziest, dirtiest, most deceitful asshole ever. I have kept my mouth shut all week while listening to them reminisce. It’s been a challenge. I am so damned glad that he was long gone by the time I met T. And I’m so glad that Amy has gone home so that the topic of conversation can be changed.

Floral Report

2010-01-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

We have had freezing temperatures, ice, snow, wind, and rain, rain, rain. Even though we are in an El Nino pattern, we have been getting plenty of rain. I mention it only because when you have a “water intrusion” as the building trades like to call it (aka a leak), you do notice the unremitting rain.

However, all is not dreary and gray! No indeed, with the above average temperatures that El Nino brings, we are starting to see early spring flowers popping up. I should be worried about them; they should be worried about themselves. It’s really too early to be bursting into bloom. February is known around here as the ice storm month for good reason. But, I am so happy to see them!

In my yard, the winter blooming jasmine is sporting sunny yellow flowers. OK, it’s a winter bloomer, not a sign of early spring, but I love it anyway. Cheers for the jasmine! Thanks for the joy!

My neighbor’s yard is rife with daphne, and they are just starting to send out their heady fragrance. Do you like the smell of daphne? It reminds me of Froot Loops cereal, so sweet!

There are bulb-borne flowers starting to push out of the ground, strong, sturdy, sword-like leaves are cleaving their way through the soil. Tulips, hyacinths, daffodils.

Even the hydrangea is showing new leaf buds on its winter scarred branches. I wasn’t sure we’d get any hydrangeas after that cold snap and snow storm. It is such a fibrous plant that it dies right back in the cold. Ours seems to have survived.

Some planting guides suggest that we can put peas in the ground now (snow peas, I’d guess), but I’m going to wait just a little longer for that. That would be tempting fate, tempting the weather gods just a little too much.

What are your favorite spring flowers? What’s blooming in your yard or neighborhood?

New Year

2010-01-07T14:34:00.001-08:00

I went to an early morning workout at my gym yesterday and wow! I am sore all over!

I'm not going to call it a New Year's resolution because that feels too compulsory to me. I have been intending to get back into better shape, lose some weight, and just feel better for some time now. I guess the turning of the year is merely a symbolic time to start.

I am not especially inactive. I teach martial arts to kids three days a week. There is always some running around in those classes. But, teaching the class is not the same as taking the class. You get a much better workout taking the class.

My job is very sedentary though. I sit in front of a computer all day long, five days a week. My home life has become rather sedentary too. Way too much time spent sitting on the couch watching tv, or sitting and reading. Don't get me wrong; I would rather read than do just about anything. But, it's not contributing to my physical wellness.

My martial art school also has a gym. I love it because you can get an amazing workout without all the spandex attitude. The first time I took a fitness class it was taught by an artistically tattooed dyke wearing cut-off plaid men's trousers and a tank top. She kicked our butts!

One of my support staff team members also works out there. I asked her last week if she would be interested in going to the early morning 'boot camp' class two days a week and carpooling to work afterward. She loved the idea. We went yesterday and we're going again tomorrow. It feels so good afterwards!

The Old Dog

2009-12-29T11:14:00.000-08:00

I’ve got a hard decision to make and I’ve been putting it off.

Cookie is our 14 year old dog. She is a golden retriever and border collie mix, most likely. She has been a great, if stubborn, family companion all these years. She has kept us company, taken us on long walks, warned me when the newspaper hit the porch, driven squirrels out of the yard. She once, with the help of our cat, caught and killed a rat in the street. She has defended me against all Y chromosomes, suffering only a few to cross our threshold.

Her big brown eyes are blue with cataracts now. She is so deaf that we have to clap our hands loudly to get her attention. I can let her out front off the leash because she can’t physically run off. She is so stiff and creaky that I beg her to sleep downstairs but she limps her way upstairs at bedtime because she can’t imagine sleeping anywhere other than my bedside.

And now she has days when she can’t get up off the floor. Her back end has gotten so weak that standing is a challenge if she is on the hardwood floor. If the young dog bumps into her, she falls down with her legs splayed out in four directions. I got one of those rear lift harnesses to try and help her get up, but it’s more trouble than it’s worth. Some days I have to roll her onto a blanket and drag her to the back door. Then I can get her up on her feet and she only has a couple of steps to get outside. Once she is outside with the grass and dirt underfoot, she is a bit steadier on her pins. She’ll make her rounds, peeing and sniffing, and then stagger back up the stairs to come in.

She is on pain meds now and has good days and not so good days. I’ve been putting off making the decision because she keeps rallying. She’ll have a bad couple of days and I’ll think, yes, it’s time and then she rallies and gets her mojo back and is clearly enjoying life. She loves hanging out with her people and loves her treats. It takes half an hour to get around the block, but she loves her walks. She is still loving life.

I know that I need to call the housecall vet to let him know that the time is getting near. I can’t bear to take her to the clinic because she hates it so much and I don’t want her last moments on earth to be there. Dr Carroll will come to the house when it is time.

Clearing the Air

2009-12-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

It’s been a month, almost 5 weeks, actually, of smoke-free living at our house. So far, so good!

It’s a much harder challenge for T than for me. I smoked, on average, about two cigarettes a day during the week and maybe four or five on the weekend days. T has pretty much smoked a pack a day for 30 years. She did quit for a couple of years once but went back to smoking when she hooked up with her last, loser girlfriend.

For some reason nicotine doesn’t seem to be as addictive to me as it to most people. I can pick up a pack of cigarettes and smoke them at parties or around smoker friends and then put them in a bag in the freezer for a few months. Before T moved in it would take me about six months to go through a pack. When we quit, I was up to about a pack a week.

But, T decided that she didn’t want to be an old woman smoker. We both turned 50 this year and that was her cut off date. She took the drug Chantix for two weeks – a week before she quit and for the first week. The side effects were bothering her though, so she quit the medication. She has been working through it with sunflower seeds, suckers and gum. She is worried about the extra weight she is putting on, but it’s a worthwhile trade off. We’ve only had a couple of outbreaks of nasty behavior, for which I am grateful, and overall it has been pretty smooth. It's a big change and I hope she sticks to it.

Pink Glove Dance

2009-12-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

Maybe you've already seen this ~ I hope so!

This is the hospital across town from me (wish it were mine!). It is also the hospital where my mom had her bilateral mastectomy. Call me sappy, and you wouldn't be the first to do so, but it brought tears to my eyes.

Have a lovely Wednesday everyone!

Back but Not Ready

2009-12-01T14:17:00.000-08:00

I took the week of Thanksgiving off work. It was the November birthday week in my family and what with birthdays and the holiday it just seemed like a good time to be at home. Now, however, I’m back at work and struggling to give a shit.

T’s birthday went pretty well. She got what she wanted most: undivided attention and time. We worked on the house some, hung out a bit, took the dogs for walks, had a couples massage, drank mimosas, soaked in the hot tub. All good stuff.

For her big 5-0 birthday I got her a few things. Some fairly ordinary, wifely type things (underwear, candles, sweats and long sleeve t-shirts). And two things that she wasn’t expecting and really liked. A dog training treat pouch for dog walks, with some treats, of course; and a New Orleans Saints hoodie.

During the week I hardly logged on to the computer. Didn’t check my facebook page, didn’t read my usual blogs, barely checked my email and then only on the crackberry. I pretty much went without the electronics for a week. It was fine. The earth did not stop spinning. Amazing! T, however, has developed an addiction for one of those idiotic facebook games: Farmville. She is harvesting her damned crops all the time. It has started to become a bit obsessive. She was on it last night at bedtime, calculating what she could plant based on when the harvest would be. Oh, whatever, it’s not like I care if she plays a game. But, she missed some of the Saints game last night so that she could run upstairs and harvest something.

Coming back to work after time off is hard. It’s been a slog lately and the break was very welcome. I did ok yesterday, Monday, but today I really don’t feel like being here. I’m restless, and alternating between bored and antsy. I’d like to get out of the office and walk home, but I need to be here and I don’t have the time for that long of a walk today. Instead, I’m looking out the window at the rare winter sunshine. People are calling and emailing with issues and problems and I just can’t find the energy or interest to care. That sounds bad, I know. I also know that it will pass, eventually.

Suggestions?

2009-11-13T13:36:00.000-08:00

My gf has a birthday coming up this month. Not just any birthday, either, it's the big 5-0!

Several months ago she had thought that it would be pretty great to go to Hawai'i for her birthday. Well, hell yes, it would be! And, it would have the added bonus of getting us out of town during the Thanksgiving holiday. No worries about hosting the dinner or whose house to go to, just us on a white sand beach. Well, she decided that she didn't want to do that after all.

I suggested just a weekend at the beach or the mountains or the Columbia Gorge. Stay at a nice hotel or B&B and just chill for a weekend. She thought about that for a few days and decided that no, she didn't want to do that either.

Well, how about just a night downtown in a fancy hotel and dinner somewhere swanky? No, she actually doesn't want to go anywhere. She doesn't want to leave the pets, especially the kittens (but wait, I said, we went to the beach a month or so ago and they were fine!). Nope. Doesn't want to go.

OK. I can accept that. We'll stay home. But, she doesn't want a party either. Now, I had a big party for my 50th in the spring. And had a smashingly good time. But, she is not as social as I am and the idea doesn't appeal at all. What about just a few close friends? No. Well, can we go out to dinner with our close friends? No. But maybe we can meet up with them after dinner. Finally! Finally getting some answers here!

So, it looks like we'll have dinner out and then maybe, just maybe, meet some friends and go to a club. Maybe some dancing, maybe some pool. She is being fairly difficult over this one!

I have a few ideas for gifts but haven't come up with anything that feels just right. That's where you all come in! I'm open to suggestions. So far I have purchased a New Orleans Saints hoodie, and a gift coupon for a massage. I'm going to pick up some shirts at Old Navy. I'm also getting her a planer ~ a woodworking tool ~ which I know she wants.

What to get the butch who has most everything she desires? Anyone have any brilliant ideas?

Public Transportation

2009-11-12T08:04:00.000-08:00

I have started a dozen blog posts but been unable to finish anything. So, to give myself an encouraging boost, I’ll keep this short and reach the end.

I’ve written before about the trials and tribulations of the bus commute. One of my pet peeves is with people who let their stuff occupy a seat while other people stand. Yesterday afternoon a guy reached a new, unheard of depth in seat hogging.

He was sitting in the aisle seat and left the window seat next to him vacant. Typical. I walked down the aisle, drippy from the rain, breathless from running to catch the #77, and saw an empty pair of seats in front of this guy. As I reached the vacant spot, I saw that there was a backpack and a pair of gloves lying there. I looked back to the front of the bus, thinking that maybe the passenger who was talking to the driver was coming back to this seat. No. The guy in the seat behind reached over and picked them up. He was using four seats! Four! One for his lazy ass and three for his stuff! Argh! It’s public transportation, buddy, not your personal coach service. Jerk.

Old and Odd

2009-10-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend has a stalker. And, boy is that irritating!

We live in a neighborhood with a pretty decent number of people like us. Our next door neighbor is a big ol’ gay man with a stable of pretty boys. Around the corner are a couple of lesbian couples, and down the block is a great combination of two gay men with kids and two lesbians with kids who live next door to each other and share yards and toys. There are more than that but those are the ones I see the most.

For a while, the guy next door had an older lesbian living in the house with him. He travels a lot and she was a sort of housekeeper/pet sitter for him. Apparently they have been friends for years and have lived with this kind of arrangement before. Joan has since moved to a different house in the neighborhood but we still see her over there.

Because we live in the city, our yards are visible from the neighboring houses. So, anytime they are at their kitchen sink, they are looking into our back yard. Last summer T and I built a deck. They watched the progress with neighborly interest and would wave occasionally or holler out, “Looks good!” That’s fine. A little encouragement is friendly. Eventually though, it became intrusive. Joan began making a habit of offering unsolicited advice.

After finishing the deck, T started on a landscaping project. She would be on her hands and knees laying a brick pathway and every time she turned around, there was Joan, watching her from the window. If T went out to mow the grass in the front, out came Joan to walk her dogs. When there are neighborhood functions, she’ll be standing apart, scanning the crowd, until T shows up and then she makes a bee line over to say hi. Creepy.

Now, I know that my girlfriend is attractive and that she has a personality that draws people to her. All of her clients adore her. Sometimes they are irritating with it, like when they call repeatedly to ask her advice about paint, or to change their minds about a remodel. Mostly though, they respect her privacy. Except Joan.

T was next door working on a project last month when Joan and Rick arrived. They chatted for a few minutes and T mentioned that we had won tickets to see Bonnie Raitt. Joan, of course, LOVES Bonnie Raitt and would LOVE to go to the concert! T said something like, oh, too bad it’s sold out. You think that stopped her? Hell no! She was on Craigslist that day and got tickets.

When we were in line waiting to get into the venue here came Joan walking to the end of the line and searching for T. As soon as she saw us, she called out and came over to stand next to us. T was beyond irritated. In fact, we left the line and went to drink a beer in one of the bars rather than wait in the blazing sun with the crazy old broad. It’s open seating at the Edgefield and we made sure that we couldn’t see her anywhere when we sat down. At the intermission, we went to smoke a cigarette with some friends and were standing away from the crowd behind some trees. Surprise, surprise, here comes Joan, looking for T! She’s not a smoker so she doesn’t need to be standing around with all the reprobates. She must have realized that there was no good reason for her to be there because she turned around and left.

And me? I’m not sure she remembers my name. I know she thinks I’m not good enough for T. When I see her in the grocery store she doesn’t say hi, she asks me what T is working on now. Tells me how lucky I am to have such a hard working and productive partner, and so attractive too! Wow. Really? You think you need to school me in how to appreciate my partner? Fuck the hell off, bitch.

I’m glad she isn’t living next door anymore, but she is still in the neighborhood. I swear she only walks her dogs on our street, our block even. It’s pretty annoying but hopefully that’s as escalated as it will get.

What the ...

2009-10-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

I got home from work yesterday to find that the women's health clinic had rescheduled T's appointment. Pushed it back a week. I think that they had scheduled her in the resident clinic and then read the report and thought they might as well start with a faculty doctor since she would have to be seen by faculty anyway. That's fine. It'll end up saving a needless trip to the stirrup table.

I also had a piece of mail waiting for me from the mammography department. I need to go back in for additional views ~ it seems there are some suspicious calcifications that they want to look at more thoroughly. I'm going to try and get in there today.

Honestly, my stomach is a little queasy. Too much medical stuff! Do Not Want!!!!!!

Doctor Visit

2009-10-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

I am fortunate enough to have an employer that allows me to have my partner covered on my health insurance. There. That’s a positive start!

So, T had an appointment on Friday to see the family practice doctor. She mainly went in because she has chronic back pain and it has been bothering her lately. But, while I was making the appointment for her they suggested an annual exam and yes, it had been awhile, so we threw that fun time in too.

Now, before I ramble on about the appointment, I have to say that the night before we got into a huge argument. I left in a stony silence in the morning. About a half hour before the appointment I called her at home to ask where I should meet her. I generally go with her to her appointments because she is a big baby when it comes to anything medical, and really, it’s better to have your advocate at your side asking the questions anyway. So, we tersely decided to meet in the lobby.

I got there ahead of her and we rode up to the 9th floor, again in silence. Checked in at the desk and prepared for the customary long wait. They actually called her back one minute ahead of schedule.

We both went in the exam room. Sometimes the provider is disconcerted by that, other times not. So, they went over the history and physical, wrote down all of the notes, etc. We had a little fun with the questions about safe sex… gotta get a laugh when you can in those situations.

So, I had asked T beforehand if I could look while she got the Pap smear. Cuz, you know, I’ve seen the outside as thoroughly as possible, I was curious about what the inside of her pussy looked like. Who wouldn’t be?! She rolled her eyes and said ok. Might have called me a perv, but whatever.

So, the doctor gets out the speculum and I step behind her to take a peek. She used an average sized speculum which was too big for T. She was clearly in pain. I had to give up my vantage point to go hold her hand. The doc switched to a smaller speculum and tried again. I popped back around to get my once in a lifetime view.

I just barely got a glimpse when the doctor pulled out the speculum, jumped up, and said, “I’ll be right back. There is an unusual lesion there and I want to ask one of my colleagues about it.” She pretty much bolted out of there.

OK, I don’t know about you but when the doctor is scared, the patient is scared. We were left in the exam room staring at each other thinking all the worst possible diagnoses. Lesion? Unusual?

After a couple of minutes the doctor came back in and (somewhat feebly) reassured us that it was probably fine but that she would put in an order for T to be seen in the ObGyn clinic. But first, she wanted us to go downstairs for an ultrasound.

We go for the ultrasound, and since that’s part of my department, we get in right away. We have about 15 sonographers in the department and all but two are women. Naturally we got the one dude who was on duty that week. He’s cool though, and about as low testosterone and nonthreatening as a hetero guy can be. So, he’s scanning her lower abdomen and not getting a very good view. He tells her he is going to have to do the transvaginal view as well. That probe is a lot smaller than a dildo, thank god! She’s already traumatized.

He found a vascular polyp that originates in her uterus and grew down and out of her cervix. The pictures are pretty weird looking. When he turned on the Doppler, we could see that there is a lot of blood flow to the damned thing. There was actually one view where it looked like it had a face. Creepy!

One of my radiologists told me not to worry, that it will not be a big ordeal to get it removed. Still, it was a nerve wracking couple of hours, let me tell you. She has a follow up appointment on Thursday with the gynecologist.

As I walked her to the car in the parking garage, I said, “You’re going all out to make sure I’m not mad at you anymore.” She said, “Did it work?”

Friday afternoon

2009-10-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

My phone buzzed while I was in the exam room.

T: What are you doing?

Me: I can’t talk right now, I’m having my boobs squeezed.

T: WHAT?!?!?!

Me: A mammogram, duh!

T: What? You’re having a mammogram? Why didn’t you tell me this morning?

Me: They had a cancellation so I just walked over… but, let me call you back. Really.

What can I say, it gave me a little pleasure to tease her like that. And, when you can get pleasure out of a mammogram, I say go for it!

Petulant

2009-09-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

I wrote a long blog post about our trip to the beach and posted it on my family blog. I thought about cross posting it here but the things I didn’t say in my family blog are the things I want to write about here. The family blog post boils down to this: we went to the beach, saw some stuff, ate some stuff, walked the dogs, had fun, went home.

What I didn’t write about is sex.

Sometimes I think the world should be divided into those who like sex and want it and those who don’t and don’t. Unfortunately, T and I are in opposing camps on this one.

I like sex. I would like to have more than I am currently getting. I think once a week would be great, or even once every two weeks. I think that once a month is not nearly enough and anything longer than that is way too long.

My girlfriend seems to be less and less interested. When we got together she was ardent enough and we had lots of good sex. Fake out! Her interest and willingness have been steadily declining. When we talk about it and I ask why she says, it’s too much work, she’s too tired, she’s rarely in the mood, etc.

For awhile it was a big bone of contention. She felt like I was pressuring her, I felt like she was holding out on me. So, I said that I wouldn’t ask or start anything but that didn’t mean that I didn’t want to. After about a month she asked me why I didn’t find her attractive anymore. WTF?!?!?!! Good lord, woman! You didn’t want me to pressure you! I’m not bringing it up because you don’t want it! ARGH!!!

We sorted that out. We are settling into what I can only describe as middle-aged complacency. It’s not enough for me but compared to the many years that I lived alone and wasn’t dating, it’s tolerable.

So, last weekend we were going to the beach. About a month before we went I said something about getting frisky at the beach. Then a week before I mentioned the frisky factor again. A couple of days before we were sitting on the couch and I curled up next to T and said, ‘How about a little sumpin, sumpin at the beach, baby?’ She laughed and said that sounded good. So, here I am, laying the ground work, making the reminder calls, maybe (hopefully) not being overbearing but letting her know that I desire her and find her attractive and sexy.

And, what’s missing from the beach trip? Sex. Ok, Friday night, no worries. It’s been a long week and we’re both tired. Saturday night? Perfect time, right? Well, there we are in bed, I’m rubbing up against her and she’s watching Happy Feet on tv. We kissed for a few minutes and then fell asleep. Sunday morning (morning is not my favorite time but I’ll take what I can get) she reaches over, starts playing around down there and then gets up and takes a shower.

That’s where the petulant part comes in. I could have behaved better. I could have just let it go and figured, eh, next time. But, no, not me. I was sullen. I was silent. I was petulant. I was badly disappointed! I had been looking forward to it for weeks. I tried for civility but it was a quiet and subdued civility.

On the Long Beach, Washington peninsula there is a place called Cape Disappointment. We stopped and looked at the lighthouse there. My camera batteries were dead but I said, oh we need a picture of Cape Disappointment! All I got was a look.

When we got home she said, you’re not getting enough sugar, are you baby? I said, no, you know I’m not.

The good news is that she broke down finally on Sunday night and we had a nice roll in the hay.

I’m not sure if this is something I am blowing out of proportion; if it is simply a matter of different levels of sexual desire. I am not willing to be one of the statistics for Lesbian Bed Death. I like sex. I think it’s normal and healthy to have sex. I start to get worried and my self esteem drops if we don’t have sex. Because, of course, she doesn’t find me attractive anymore… because I’m too short, and chunky, and not girly enough, and not a good enough lover. You know, like that.

At one point, some months ago, T said that if I wasn’t getting enough sex I could go outside the relationship. Ok, she didn’t actually mean it. And, I can’t imagine doing that. The emotional bonds are too strong and I’m just not the play the field type. One woman at a time is enough for me. She withdrew the offer not long after she made it. Occasionally I’ll mention it, just to get a reaction from her.

Another factor is menopause. I’m done (YAY!) and T is in that unsettling totally random phase where you just can’t predict when you will have a period or how heavy/light it will be, or how long it will last, or any of that. And, I know that women’s bodies change a lot during “The Change.” But, shouldn’t the relative increase in testosterone make us more horny? I can guarantee that she isn’t drying up, so that’s not a factor (plus, hello, lube!).

From what I know of her young adult days, she was quite into sex back then. I feel a little cheated, honestly. I thought she had a healthy libido, cuz she sure gave me that impression when we first started going out. It’s been slowing down ever since.

There might not be anything I can do about it. I don’t like being a petulant brat but I also don’t like being left hanging like that. I know I can get myself off, but it’s just not the same. Plus, I really desire this woman. For someone who is about to turn 50 she has the most amazing breasts! Beautiful! And sometimes, when we’re driving I’ll look over at her long legs and just be filled with lust! And she is beautiful and has the most amazing cheekbones! She is physically very attractive to me and I would like to fuck her every day. Maybe not every day, but every other day…

What's it Worth?

2009-09-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

As I may have mentioned a time or twenty, my partner was laid off last year. She has had a couple of crappy jobs since then, but has not found anything good in her field. This has had a negative effect on her state of mind, of course.

But, she has been working for herself pretty steadily over the past couple of months and is now earning more like what she should be earning. What a difference in how she feels about herself! She has taken me out to dinner a couple of times recently and this weekend we are headed to the beach. Yay for the beach! She is insisting on paying for everything and I’ll let her pay for the hotel for sure, and the gas to get there and back, but I’m not letting her pay for everything.

This morning I had to drive to work instead of riding my bike and it costs $10 to park. She very happily whipped ten bucks out of her wallet as I was getting ready to leave. She had a big grin on her face and said, “Daddy’s back!” How cute is that?!

Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach.