Pollyanna

Most of the time I am such a Pollyanna. I like to see the bright side of things. I prefer to be happy and think the best of people. It feels better to live that way.

Today, though, I’ve lost my rose colored glasses. Well, probably misplaced them (Pollyanna!). There is so much crap going on right now; in California, at my work, in my life.

I went to visit my two best friends for the Memorial Day weekend. We met at KA’s house in Mountain View, California. Lisa lives in Long Beach, California and I live in Portland Oregon. We have met at my house and Lisa’s more recently and it was KA’s turn. Plus, I hadn’t seen her new back patio – aka, the Lanai. She has the tiki theme going strong out there.

I got there Friday at midday. Lisa arrived in the evening. We drank champagne and toasted our long friendship. We are all turning 50 this year and have known each other since high school. That’s more years than I feel like counting. We had a great time, exchanging gifts and catching up with each other.

In the morning, my girlfriend called, hysterical. Our young cat had been hit by a car and was dead. To say she was distraught is an understatement. Now, of course I was broken up by this too. He was a wonderful kitten and would have been the best of cats had he lived. So sweet and affectionate; he liked nothing better than so sit on one of us and soak up all the loving we could give.

T has suffered the loss of a pet before, and more importantly, the loss of family members. I don’t know how she handled those occasions because we’ve only been together a little over a year and this is the first time something painful has happened. Yes, our pets are like our children, and maybe I see it differently because I also have a human child. Her grief was profound and wrenching. And loud.

T’s family rallied round. Her brother in law and nephew came over to bury the kitty. Then her mom, brother, niece and nephew came over – they had been coming anyway for a barbeque. They hung out with her for the day and her niece spent the night at the house so that she wouldn’t be alone. They are a tight knit family.

I went home early. I knew that my partner needed me. I’m not callous, or insensitive to her pain. I loved that kitten just as much as she did and keenly felt the loss. I did want to be with her to grieve his death. But what difference would it have made if I had stayed for the rest of the weekend? Would that have made me seem indifferent? I’m staying to have a good time with my friends while my partner stays home crying? Probably.

Instead, my friends are unhappy with me. A little history on that is that last summer the same friends and I and an extended group of us all met in Hawaii for one of the group’s birthday. We had a great time and yes, I went home earliest. Partly because of my gf and partly because I wanted to get home a day or two before going back to work. But, my two bff’s were unhappy and thought that I was letting myself get lost in a relationship. I didn’t think so. But, this weekend was the first time we’ve gotten together since then and to have T call and ask me to come home early confirmed their feelings.

I had a very forthright conversation with KA this morning. She doesn’t pull her punches and just said what she thought. I very much prefer that to someone pussyfooting around and not saying what they mean and quietly drawing a conclusion that may or may not be right.

So now, my two best friends think that I am in an emotionally untenable relationship. If I am completely honest with myself, I will admit that on the surface it looks that way. T doesn’t want to keep me from my family and friends, but why are things playing out that way? I have to give that some serious thought. I love her, certainly, and she loves me. But…

And, my mom was disappointed that I came home early. Hmm…

So, with all of that going on and too much to think about, when I get to work I have a request from my manager to send my updated position description to HR. That’s never a good sign. We had a round of layoffs back in January. There was talk of another round in June before the end of the fiscal year. That’s all I need right now! T was laid off from her job last summer and has been scraping by with unemployment and then a series of crappy jobs. We can’t afford for me to be laid off. I don’t really think I will be – I have a lot of seniority here. But, it doesn’t make me feel to secure.

So, I’m sitting at my desk, working on my position description and when I check my Google account, I see the headlines: California voted the wrong way. It’s incomprehensible, really. What about our fucking civil rights?!

I’m not having a good day. That’s the long and short of it. I need to spend some time thinking and prioritizing my life. I have to look within and decide if KA and Lisa are right. And then think about what I will do about it. I’ll have to leave off my rose colored glasses when I take that internal look.

Sigh.

Milk

We saw “Milk” the other day. It was heartbreaking – in more than one way.

I grew up in the Bay Area, not San Francisco, but down the peninsula. I remember the times; I remember seeing Harvey Milk at a Pride parade in the City. It was wild back then! It was good and bad. One day it felt like anything was possible. The next day our gay brothers were dying right and left.

I remember the day that Milk and Moscone were shot. I remember the newscast when Dianne Feinstein announced their murders and took charge. I remember crying. I remember the absolute incredulity we felt at the “Twinkie Defense” and the outrage at the brevity of the sentence.

And, while I remembered all of that, watching the movie, what really broke my heart is the realization that we are still fighting the same damned battle. We are still second class citizens. We are still denied our civil rights. Sometimes it feels like progress is being made, but mostly it’s one step forward – two steps back. I get discouraged sometimes at the lack of real, substantive progress, the kind that is codified into law.

But, yes, there has been progress. My girlfriend and I are able to live openly. We can hold hands in the grocery store. Ok, only in the “gay” Fred Meyer by our house in NE Portland; we’d never do that in, say, Vancouver or Gresham or Hillsboro. Again, a glimmer of change but limited. My employer can’t fire me because I’m gay. In fact, I am able to cover my girlfriend on my health insurance – that’s a huge step forward. True, same sex domestic partners are taxed on the benefit while heterosexual married couples are not. Why is there always a qualification to the progress? Why does there have to be two steps back?

I know that in the future there will be equal rights for all. I know that we will have to fight to win those rights. My hope is that in the future, if I have a mixed race, homosexual, differently-abled great grandchild, she or he will have the same rights and privileges as any other citizen of the country.

We’ve got a long road ahead.