The Long Year

 RIP Dad.

He slipped away when both my brother and I were there with him.  

The last couple of weeks were a steep decline.  He was down to one word responses when asked a question, and not very often at that.  He spent a lot of time in bed.  At the end, he died in the same spot that our mother did - he had taken over her side of the bed a while ago.

I left a window cracked open when it was obvious that he was near the end.  And I opened it wide when he died, so that his soul could escape the back bedroom of the house.  I like to think that he has reached the Summerlands and is strolling hand in hand with my mother.  

The long year of daily care has come to an end.  

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New Year

 So, it's a new year.  I wonder how it will be different from the previous?  Time will tell.

I have not posted in months, mostly because there has been nothing to post.  The gentle decline of the father continues.  The annoyance with the brother waxes and wanes.  There is very little to tell.

However (yes, a tiny however) my dad's youngest brother and his wife, both nurses, came for a visit.  They wanted to see the old guy while they could and they wanted to check in with me and my brother.  They had some suggestions which my brother dismissed out of hand.  That was not unexpected.  But, they also said that, based on their experience, they thought that the old guy had a few months left at best.  

If you've ever been a caregiver for a dying person, you might have observed a change in the way their eyes appear.  They have a look that I would describe as a growing distance, or an absence, or a turning inward. They are no longer concerned with the mundane world around them and are looking, perhaps, beyond the veil.  

I remember this with my mother.  My father noted it at the time and said to me, 'She's leaving us.  She's no longer there.'

I'm seeing it now with my dad.  He is becoming less responsive to conversation.  He does not care about food - if you offer him a choice of two things he often won't respond at all.  Instead, I'll just make him his usual lunch and if he wants to eat it he can.  He is sleeping more and refusing to get out of bed some days.  Sometimes I will look up from my book to find him staring at me.  But, he's not really looking at me.  I wonder if he is seeing my mom, instead.  Or if he's seeing anything in the waking world at all.  I'll ask him if I can get him anything and he will say, 'What?  No, nothing.' Then he will look away, close his eyes and drift back to sleep.

I think my dad is preparing for the journey.  I hope it is a calm transition and a joyful release of the physical.  

Happy New Year.

July grinds on

 

Hi People!

 First, the News.  Oops, scratch that.  There isn’t any.

 Things remain the same around here.  The old man is slowly slipping away.  Luckily, he doesn’t have the kind of dementia where he no longer recognizes us.  (Yes, I did just knock on wood.)  He eats, sleeps and watches tv.  I’m leaving out the unpleasant parts of life including the toilet.  Most of the time, his existence is fairly serene.  My brother reports occasional periods of angst where he insists he needs to go somewhere and do something – like pick up the kids or go to the store – and it takes him a while to settle down and get back into his routine.  For some reason these episodes typically take place in the evening or later at night.  I’m not complaining about that.

 I mostly sit with my dad and read a book.  He naps in his chair in front of the tv.  I surreptitiously turn down the volume so that it doesn’t distract my reading but at the same time the absence of background noise doesn’t wake him up.  I’ve been plowing through many, many books these last few months.  Happily, the library is just two blocks from Pop’s house. 

 I feel like I should be getting things done.  But, I haven’t.  I leave my dad’s house feeling wrung out even though I’m doing virtually nothing.  It’s emotional exhaustion, I guess.  It’s not the kind that comes from fighting with a jerk (whether a significant other or a family member.)  And, it’s not the kind of heart-rending emotional sorrow I felt when my mom was dying.  It’s just a slow depletion of energy or motivation.  When I come home all I want to do is recover from sitting quietly with my dad. 

 Maybe it’s the relentlessness of it.  It’s an every single day obligation and that doesn’t leave much room for restoration.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry to do this for my dad.  I was fortunate to have two wonderful parents and I feel lucky to be able to care for them in the last phases of their lives.  But, there are no days off. 

 I spoke with one of my dad’s brothers the other day.  He was gushing about how wonderful it was that my brother and I were taking care of our dad.  I wanted to say, ‘Wonderful for you since you don’t have to do anything.’ But of course I didn’t. 

 My brother and I are committed to seeing this through to the end.  I don’t know how long that will be, but I am counting on getting my mojo back after the old man is gone.  Fingers crossed, eh?

Springtime and Senescence

 Hello Lovely Internet Friends!

It is Spring and flowers are beginning to show their glorious petals here in the PNW.  I had planned to post some pictures but the crank fell off the aged laptop and it's all too much.  You'll just have to trust me on this one.  Here's what I have seen around these parts:

Camellia, forsythia, snow drops, crocus, daffodil, hellebore, probably some others, and now the cherry blossoms are starting.  Cherry blossoms and plum blossoms which people often confuse, but both are starting to bloom and it's all a delight.

It's still chilly and wet here.  We had a couple of days where temps rose to 60 degrees fahrenheit and everyone rushed outside and basked like lizards.  Then it snowed again.  Oh, just a dusting this time, as opposed to the February storm where they predicted a dusting and we got nearly a foot.  How fun it must be to work as a weather prognosticator.  Do they have special dice, do you think?

I have a new job, of sorts.  It's unpaid and it's every day.  My brother has finally acknowledged that he can't take care of our father all on his own.  He moved in with the old guy several months ago (maybe a year?) but being mostly deaf, he doesn't always hear it when Dad gets up and wanders off.  A month or so ago Dad decided to take a walk early one morning.  He wasn't wearing much - just a t-shirt, boxers, and a blanket.  He made it the end of the block, crossed the street, and took a tumble partway down the next block.  Thank the Goddess for kind neighbors!  They discovered him lying on the sidewalk, brought out a pillow and another blanket, and called 911.

As it happened, I was on the phone with 911 at the same time reporting him missing.  I raced over to the house, picked up my brother, and met the emergency services.  They took him to the hospital to be checked out and amazingly he had no broken bones and no concussion.  He needed a couple of stitches along one eyebrow and the doctor kindly said that he would sew it carefully so that Pop wouldn't be left with a scar.  Lol.  

The tricky thing is that this is the third time that emergency services have had to intervene with our dad. My brother realized that if it continues social services will be called and Dad will be whisked away to a secure facility.  That's not what our dad wants and it's not what we want for him.  We managed to keep our mom at home during her final days and we will do the same with dad.  Fingers crossed.

I've got the day shift.  I go over at 11am when dad is up and having his morning oatmeal.  My brother goes home to his own house and rests and does whatever the heck he does.  I give Dad his lunch, help him to the toilet, chat with him, watch tv with him, and, mostly, watch him sleep.  He sleeps a lot.  That's fine.  He's not much of a conversationalist any more.  His memory is good on ancient history but not good on much else.  Still, he's cheerful and almost always in a good mood.  He remembers who we are.  He's always glad to see us.  It could be much worse.  My brother comes back around 5pm and sorts out dinner and I go home.  

I had thought that this year, post-pandemic, I would finally get around to visiting some friends and relatives.  I had a plan for a big summer car trip circling through the western US with stops at various cousins' houses.  I will have to postpone that trip.  I don't know how long this caretaking gig will last, but I'm in it for the duration.  Well, I'll be taking off a weekend at the end of April to attend the granddaughter's first birthday celebration.  Looking forward to that!

So, that's what's going on around here.  Meanwhile, the sun is breaking through the clouds and it looks like it will be at least partly sunny today.  More rain in the forecast for tomorrow but such is life in this well-watered region.

Have a beautiful day, friends!

How does time do that?

I'm not sure if you noticed, but it is December. Almost a week into December, in fact. If time is not linear, can I circle back and have a redo on some parts of it??? It's been a busy few months, to be sure. I have been up and down to the Seattle area quite a few times since the wee one was born. I've also been busy with house and yard stuff but those weren't interesting projects. I had to hire someone to prune 'the giant shrub' in the back yard. It's at least 20 feet tall and way beyond my reach, same with the giant rhododendron in the front. As my mom used to say, 'If it grows at all here, it'll grow like a champ.' 

 Did I tell you that my best neighbors moved? Broke my poor heart to lose them. Donna had just reached her limit with the bs here in this country. She worked in the public school system and said, 'I don't want to teach active shooter drills to kindergarteners.' Can't blame her, really. The gun epidemic is frightening. So, they moved back to Canada. Not to Edmonton, where the husband was from and where they lived before. Now they live in Kelowna. I'm happy for them that they are loving it, but I miss them terribly and my life has gotten a lot smaller without the frequent social interaction. I had their little charmer of a dog for nearly four months while they were house hunting. He was great company. But, alas, they came back and picked him up and stole him away from me. I am without a pet for the first time in my life. Feels strange, to be honest. The upside is that I don't have to have a pet sitter when I go out of town. Not sure it's a great trade off though. 

 I completed another NaNoWriMo in November. Wrote a mystery this time. It's not great, but I've tried before and struggled with the plotting. It's not always Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Candlestick! I got to the finish line though, which pleased me. I did, however, leave my characters stranded at the end. Perhaps I'll go back and give them the decent conclusion that they deserve. 

 Debra, She Who Seeks, and the 8th Day Planner have reminded me that I could put the seasonal decorations up. I need to haul the ladder out to the front porch and sort out the sparkle lights - some strings are dead and new ones are needed. Maybe even put up the tree and decoration... if I feel so moved. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth the bother. 

Here are some pics of the giant shrub. It's a mock orange - Philadelphus lewisii.

Before and After. Donna for scale. Lol. 

The youngster is doing well. She's on the small side (except for her head!) but seems to be meeting developmental milestones. She is a cheerful baby and makes us all so happy. Not that she doesn't have her moments, I mean, she's human after all. But, she is amazing and her parents (and the whole family) are all smitten. Here is a current picture of the little darling. Love!

Back Home after the Big Event

Everything turned out just fine. Whew! My daughter gave birth to a healthy baby girl and the whole family is delighted. Charlotte Elizabeth (wt 7.7, length 19") hit all the average markers. We are relieved at that since her father has a genetic disorder which could have had profound effects. So far all good. Once they were home from the hospital, we got into a routine. Zoe would be up and down with the baby all night and then in the morning I would hold her for a few hours while Z got some sleep. Now I'm missing that morning snuggle time! They have had to supplement breast feeding with formula as the supply wasn't yet up to the demand (as it were). Well, you know what that means. Of all the times for there to be a nationwide shortage of baby formula! One morning I went to 4 stores to search out what we needed. I can't imagine what it is like for families who have no other option. What a nightmare. In fact, I talked to some parents while we stood in front of empty shelves or waited for the store clerk to bring the keys to unlock the cabinet. That's right, in some stores baby formula is now under lock and key. On the good news front, both parents are absolutely in love with their baby girl. I knew Zoe would be but I wasn't sure about her man. Thankfully, he passed the grandmother administered test. He didn't know that he was being tested, so he couldn't fake it to get a passing grade. I was going to post a couple of photos, but I'm having computer issues. I hope to have that sorted out soon. Now I am home and feeling a little at loose ends. I've got plenty to do around the place but I'm finding my attention is drawn northward. I suppose that's natural. I told the kid to get her man on board with moving somewhere that has a mother-in-law unit. She's in favor of it and he says that he is too, but he is dragging his feet. We've got some time, but... tick tock! That's all I've got for now. I'll try to post a picture soon... Cheers!

Now we are waiting...

 I'm heading up to the Seattle area today.  Going to help the Kid get some stuff in order before the Big Event.  She has asked me to sort out her linen closet and laundry room, and help get the baby's room in order.  I'm also taking a few things up that she left here.

We had a baby shower for her at the end of March.  My two buddies came up for that - in fact, they did most of the organizing for it.  It was a small event, my two pals, me and the Kid, the neighbor, my cousin, and one friend from work.  All the other guests were on Zoom.  We had a pregnant woman and an immune compromised woman in attendance and while the mask mandate has expired the virus has not.  Doesn't hurt to be careful.

The only thing that Zoe asked for was books.  She received quite a variety!  There are so many new and wonderful books for small children out there!  I was hoping that the other mums who she knows would have a great selection of new reading material and I was not disappointed.  There's even one with a bi-racial gay dad couple.  Big thumbs up from this grandmother!  Seriously, though, I need to find some baby books with lesbian grannies...  if any of you have seen one, let me know!

Of course, she also got a bunch of other stuff.  Super cute clothes, practical baby gear, stuff that I have absolutely no idea what it is for...  good thing that Zoe's on top of all of the new stuff.  There is so damned much equipment involved in childrearing!  

I'm planning on being there for several days.  Then I'll come home and wait until I get the call for the big event.  Originally the baby was due in early May but the doctors have moved the date up a couple of times.  Once because of measurements and once because of Zoe's blood pressure.  It's borderline too high and they don't want to take a chance of her developing pre-eclampsia.  So, now they are inducing labor on the 21st of April.  That's just two weeks away!!!  

Zoe and her husband have asked me to come up and stay when they bring the baby home.  They are nervous, naturally.  I'm sure they won't need me for as long as they think they will (Rob asked if I could come for a month, lol).  But, I'm happy to help.  I think that I'll mostly be doing things like walking the dog, cooking dinners and washing clothes, but that's cool.  I'm super rusty when it comes to infants!  I've only had one and it was quite some time ago...  what if I have forgotten everything?  Just something else to worry about.

I'm also going to cook and freeze some meals for when I leave.  Nothing says I love you like a pan of enchiladas!  They live too far from civilization to have those meal prep services delivered so I'll prepare in the old school way.  Frozen casseroles to the rescue!  Lol.

That's all I've got for now.  I'm looking forward to getting some stuff done for the Kid -- she'll be busy real soon!

Cheers!

Damn it all to Hell

 Because things aren't shitty enough, my beautiful companion Pierre is leaving for the rainbow bridge.  The house call vet is coming this afternoon.

I took him to the vet on Friday to get something for a skin irritation that wouldn't go away.  They did a blood work panel that showed sky high thyroid levels.  I contacted the specialist vet to discuss treatment but before I could even get an appointment he took a steep downward turn.

Wednesday he stopped eating.  Thursday I could only get him to have some tuna and tuna water.  He is unsteady on his feet, drooling, and just looks really bad.  This morning he had a little more tuna water but can barely stand.  I can't let him linger in this condition.

I adopted him from the county shelter in 2011, right after my mom died.  He's approximately 16 or so years old.  We've had a wonderful decade together.  He is a loving and lovable character who enjoys spending time curled up next to his human.  He loves to be brushed and I doubt any cat has been brushed as much as this one.  He likes to lie next to me and rest his chin on my ankle.

He has helped me get through this stupid pandemic.  Not sure who I'm going to talk to now...  probably still Pierre.  I'm really going to miss him. I think it was George Carlin who called pets 'furry little tragedies'.  That's sure true.

Au revoir, my lovely Pierre.  

December? Already?

The end is nigh.  End of the calendar year, of course.  The end of civilization is already under way.  Soon, the end of life on this rotating rock will be the topic du jour.  But, enough of the doomsaying!  What about the winter holidays!?!

The Solstice is getting closer, a time to thank the Goddess for the gift of light.  It's dark and dreary here lately what with the short days and the incessant rain.  I'm not actually complaining about the rain.  We need every drop of it, and we need snow on the mountains.  I learned a new word, a Scottish word, that perfectly describes the weather here: dreich.  Cold, dark, rainy and dreary.  Scotland and the Pacific Northwest have some things in common.  Lol.

Here are the pleasant updates, pleasant for me anyway.

I finished the writing challenge.  National Novel Writing Month asks participants to write 50,000 words during the month of November.  It's the tenth year I have done so!  This year's effort was a fantasy story involving a cadre of Nature deities defeating Eris and her nephews in their attempt to break open the radioactive storage containers at the Hanford nuclear site and poison the mighty Columbia river and everything around it.  In my stories, the good guys always win.  (Really, the good gals, since the majority of my characters are female.  A writer's prerogative, and a lesbian prerogative.)

Here's the really big news:

The Kid is pregnant!  She is having a girl in early May!  I am happy because she is happy.  I mean, yes, it will be fun, and gift giving holidays will be super fun.  There is an element of existential dread here, though.  If she had never reproduced, I would only have her to worry about.  Now I will have to worry about a future generation.  Can one worry from beyond the grave?  I'm not sure, but I'll attempt to let you all know at some indefinite time in the (hopefully) distant future.  I have always, always cared about the planet, but now I have to care about it for infinity.  That's exhausting!  Oh, well, in the immediate time frame we have something fun to look forward to.  So, there's that.

Cheers, women!  I hope your December is full of happiness and health, and a blessed return of the Light.  

Ten

 It's been ten years since my mom died.  Here's what I texted to my immediate family:

Today is the ten year anniversary of the death of our beloved matriarch.

First of all: I can't believe it's been that long.

Second: ten years has not dulled the pain of that loss. 

Third: I am grateful to have had her as long as I did.

Fourth: I know I don't grieve alone.

I made an apple cake this morning.  I'm going to take a chunk over to Grampy and Walter later.  I'm not sure if they are marking the occasion but I am.  I need a little bit of acknowledgement of our profound loss.  Not sure I'll get it from them. But, in my heart, we are all united in singing her praises, telling funny stories, and keeping alive her memory. But that's just in my heart. Mostly likely I'll be celebrating her on my own. But, I WILL celebrate the amazing person that was my mother.

(Steps off soapbox)

Xoxox  xoxox  xoxox'

#

To their everlasting credit, they all responded to my text immediately.  It's true that I don't suffer her loss alone.  We all feel it.  We all mourn her.  I guess there is a comfort in being able to share a memory of someone dear with a person who knew them.  Some kind of shared spark of memory.  A connection.

Ok, well, I'm going to get ready to go to my dad's.  See ya!