What a difficult year it has been

 Do you mind if I vent a little? Or a lot? I know that doesn't sound interesting... no need to keep reading.

So.  My dad died, as you know, in late February.  It had been a long year but I was glad it was only one year and not multiple years as some people have to endure under those circumstances.  I'm not venting (much) about taking care of the old guy, I accepted that willingly and lovingly.

After his passing, my brother and I were left with the monumental task of clearing out the house.  My parents had become hoarders of a sort.  Not the kind with food waste on the floor and rats running wild, but collectors who did not know when to stop.  

My mom developed a love of the Goodwill and other charity shops in her late middle age.  Before that it had been antique malls and resale shops.  Somehow she found it in herself to cross that divide and descend into the real bargain hunters realm.

There were several categories of things she collected and when something caught her interest, she was all in.  Silverware - mostly silver plate but odds and ends of sterling.  I have two dozen full silverware chests, yes, 24!, in my house.  My goal is to sort through them and assemble sets for my nieces and nephew and a couple of cousins.  Not sure what to do with the rest, just move it on.  Silver serving items - large and small pitchers, teapots and coffee pots, bowls, cream and sugars, platters, gravy boats... if you can imagine it, she bought it.  There are probably 20 boxes of those in my house.  Again, need to sort, distribute, and move them along.  Dishware - I lost count of the sets of dishes in the house.  Some complete, some partially complete, many random.  Lots of pretty patterns.  I gave some away to friends and relatives, and donated the rest back to a variety of charity shops.  Also, pro tip: no one wants dishes with gold trim! You can't put them in the microwave.

The tchotchkes and figurines were another category.  I kept a few - probably too many but they can always go on another trip.  But, there are boxes of matryoshka dolls, she probably had 50 or 60 of them. Gave some away, others in boxes.  All sorts of Russian folk stuff - painted wood platters, salad forks, decorative boxes, etc.  Christmas stuff - ornaments, decorations, lights, too numerous to mention.  I kept back all of those until early December and then donated them.  Boxes and boxes and bags of it.

There's more, so much more, I can't list it all.  Art, art supplies, sculpture, framed prints, books, table linens, furniture, toys, flower vases... It was overwhelming.

And, that was just what my mom collected!  My brother had been storing a raft of crap that he collected in the attic.  

It was a monumental task to clear it out.  I made so many trips to a variety of charity shops.  My back was aching every day.  While I was doing the heavy lifting, my brother was sitting in front of the tv sorting through the mountain of paperwork left by our father.  The majority of it was old and could be thrown in the recycle bin.  Some he burned in a backyard fire pit.  But, mostly he did a lot of sitting.  I refused to deal with his collections of crap in the attic so he had to carry some things.  But, trust me, I did the bulk of the heavy lifting.

This is all preamble to the real source of my discontent.  I was somewhat prepared to deal with the hoard.  I was not prepared for the betrayals.

My dad left all of his money to my brother.  Almost $400k, not one penny to his other two children. That was hurtful enough but then my brother assured me that he was a co-owner of dad's house and he would get all the proceeds of the sale.  Well, that turned out to be false so I will get a share of that.  My brother was furious that he didn't get it all.  Furious.  Not only that, but I found out about the investment accounts going to him when I tried to put them into an estate account (being the executor, this was one of my responsibilities.)  When I contacted the bank and the investment broker they informed me that the accounts were closed and had been disbursed.  I went over to my brother's house and asked him when he had planned to tell me this.  He shrugged and said, 'After the house was sold, I guess.'  I'm sure he just wanted to make certain that I continued working like a hired hand.  I could not be more disappointed in him as a brother and a human being.

The second betrayal was when I decided to go through my mom's paperwork. I took it all home with me to sort it out in the evenings.  I was actually looking forward to reading what I would fine.  My mother was a wonderful writer and I knew that it would be like hearing her voice again.  I have a couple of boxes of drafts of stories and those were fun to read.  But, I also found a grocery bag of old letters.  Some were from old friends of hers and my dad, people I knew from childhood.  But, there was a big collection of letters that my mom had written to a friend and the friend had sent them back.  Some people would find this odd, but I could tell that my mom had been working out an idea for a novel and running it by her friend for feedback.  So, the friend sent those letters back to my mom.  I can't even remember what the theme of that novel was because the rest of the letters were so horrible and hurtful.

In the letters my mother wrote how awful I was, what a disappointment I was, what a failure. She complained about me in the most vindictive and vituperative language.  She thought I was a bad mother, that I had never lived up to my potential, that I was hard to be around.  It was the most thorough character assassination I can imagine.  I was completely blindsided and utterly destroyed by it.  None of this did she say to my face.  None of it.  She was pleasant and affectionate towards me.  I thought we had a good relationship.  It was all a sham.  Now I know why the majority of her friends were so dismissive of me.  

The irony of this is that of their three children, I am the one who always championed Mom.  My brothers were all about Dad.  My younger brother has said the most horrible things about our mother while always aligning himself with Dad.  My older brother is not much of a figure in all of this, mostly because he lives on the east coast and also because he is on the spectrum and has always held the family at arm's length.  Thankfully, he is not like that with his own family.

I thought that my mother and I were on the same page.  I thought we had a strong relationship based in love and mutual respect.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I am left with a gaping hole in my psyche. 

I put those letters in a separate bag.  My plan is to burn them at the Winter Solstice and release all of the bullshit and negativity.  It will take more than that, of course, but it will be a symbolic release.  I know that I am not the person my mother describes in her letters.  I know that I am a good person, a good mother, a good friend.  I'm not a failure.  I know this and I will probably be spending a long time coming to terms with her nastiness.  It reflects more on her than on me but, wow, was it hard to find out.

So.  That's me venting.  Thanks for reading.  

xoxox

e

The Long Year

 RIP Dad.

He slipped away when both my brother and I were there with him.  

The last couple of weeks were a steep decline.  He was down to one word responses when asked a question, and not very often at that.  He spent a lot of time in bed.  At the end, he died in the same spot that our mother did - he had taken over her side of the bed a while ago.

I left a window cracked open when it was obvious that he was near the end.  And I opened it wide when he died, so that his soul could escape the back bedroom of the house.  I like to think that he has reached the Summerlands and is strolling hand in hand with my mother.  

The long year of daily care has come to an end.  

###

New Year

 So, it's a new year.  I wonder how it will be different from the previous?  Time will tell.

I have not posted in months, mostly because there has been nothing to post.  The gentle decline of the father continues.  The annoyance with the brother waxes and wanes.  There is very little to tell.

However (yes, a tiny however) my dad's youngest brother and his wife, both nurses, came for a visit.  They wanted to see the old guy while they could and they wanted to check in with me and my brother.  They had some suggestions which my brother dismissed out of hand.  That was not unexpected.  But, they also said that, based on their experience, they thought that the old guy had a few months left at best.  

If you've ever been a caregiver for a dying person, you might have observed a change in the way their eyes appear.  They have a look that I would describe as a growing distance, or an absence, or a turning inward. They are no longer concerned with the mundane world around them and are looking, perhaps, beyond the veil.  

I remember this with my mother.  My father noted it at the time and said to me, 'She's leaving us.  She's no longer there.'

I'm seeing it now with my dad.  He is becoming less responsive to conversation.  He does not care about food - if you offer him a choice of two things he often won't respond at all.  Instead, I'll just make him his usual lunch and if he wants to eat it he can.  He is sleeping more and refusing to get out of bed some days.  Sometimes I will look up from my book to find him staring at me.  But, he's not really looking at me.  I wonder if he is seeing my mom, instead.  Or if he's seeing anything in the waking world at all.  I'll ask him if I can get him anything and he will say, 'What?  No, nothing.' Then he will look away, close his eyes and drift back to sleep.

I think my dad is preparing for the journey.  I hope it is a calm transition and a joyful release of the physical.  

Happy New Year.

July grinds on

 

Hi People!

 First, the News.  Oops, scratch that.  There isn’t any.

 Things remain the same around here.  The old man is slowly slipping away.  Luckily, he doesn’t have the kind of dementia where he no longer recognizes us.  (Yes, I did just knock on wood.)  He eats, sleeps and watches tv.  I’m leaving out the unpleasant parts of life including the toilet.  Most of the time, his existence is fairly serene.  My brother reports occasional periods of angst where he insists he needs to go somewhere and do something – like pick up the kids or go to the store – and it takes him a while to settle down and get back into his routine.  For some reason these episodes typically take place in the evening or later at night.  I’m not complaining about that.

 I mostly sit with my dad and read a book.  He naps in his chair in front of the tv.  I surreptitiously turn down the volume so that it doesn’t distract my reading but at the same time the absence of background noise doesn’t wake him up.  I’ve been plowing through many, many books these last few months.  Happily, the library is just two blocks from Pop’s house. 

 I feel like I should be getting things done.  But, I haven’t.  I leave my dad’s house feeling wrung out even though I’m doing virtually nothing.  It’s emotional exhaustion, I guess.  It’s not the kind that comes from fighting with a jerk (whether a significant other or a family member.)  And, it’s not the kind of heart-rending emotional sorrow I felt when my mom was dying.  It’s just a slow depletion of energy or motivation.  When I come home all I want to do is recover from sitting quietly with my dad. 

 Maybe it’s the relentlessness of it.  It’s an every single day obligation and that doesn’t leave much room for restoration.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry to do this for my dad.  I was fortunate to have two wonderful parents and I feel lucky to be able to care for them in the last phases of their lives.  But, there are no days off. 

 I spoke with one of my dad’s brothers the other day.  He was gushing about how wonderful it was that my brother and I were taking care of our dad.  I wanted to say, ‘Wonderful for you since you don’t have to do anything.’ But of course I didn’t. 

 My brother and I are committed to seeing this through to the end.  I don’t know how long that will be, but I am counting on getting my mojo back after the old man is gone.  Fingers crossed, eh?

Springtime and Senescence

 Hello Lovely Internet Friends!

It is Spring and flowers are beginning to show their glorious petals here in the PNW.  I had planned to post some pictures but the crank fell off the aged laptop and it's all too much.  You'll just have to trust me on this one.  Here's what I have seen around these parts:

Camellia, forsythia, snow drops, crocus, daffodil, hellebore, probably some others, and now the cherry blossoms are starting.  Cherry blossoms and plum blossoms which people often confuse, but both are starting to bloom and it's all a delight.

It's still chilly and wet here.  We had a couple of days where temps rose to 60 degrees fahrenheit and everyone rushed outside and basked like lizards.  Then it snowed again.  Oh, just a dusting this time, as opposed to the February storm where they predicted a dusting and we got nearly a foot.  How fun it must be to work as a weather prognosticator.  Do they have special dice, do you think?

I have a new job, of sorts.  It's unpaid and it's every day.  My brother has finally acknowledged that he can't take care of our father all on his own.  He moved in with the old guy several months ago (maybe a year?) but being mostly deaf, he doesn't always hear it when Dad gets up and wanders off.  A month or so ago Dad decided to take a walk early one morning.  He wasn't wearing much - just a t-shirt, boxers, and a blanket.  He made it the end of the block, crossed the street, and took a tumble partway down the next block.  Thank the Goddess for kind neighbors!  They discovered him lying on the sidewalk, brought out a pillow and another blanket, and called 911.

As it happened, I was on the phone with 911 at the same time reporting him missing.  I raced over to the house, picked up my brother, and met the emergency services.  They took him to the hospital to be checked out and amazingly he had no broken bones and no concussion.  He needed a couple of stitches along one eyebrow and the doctor kindly said that he would sew it carefully so that Pop wouldn't be left with a scar.  Lol.  

The tricky thing is that this is the third time that emergency services have had to intervene with our dad. My brother realized that if it continues social services will be called and Dad will be whisked away to a secure facility.  That's not what our dad wants and it's not what we want for him.  We managed to keep our mom at home during her final days and we will do the same with dad.  Fingers crossed.

I've got the day shift.  I go over at 11am when dad is up and having his morning oatmeal.  My brother goes home to his own house and rests and does whatever the heck he does.  I give Dad his lunch, help him to the toilet, chat with him, watch tv with him, and, mostly, watch him sleep.  He sleeps a lot.  That's fine.  He's not much of a conversationalist any more.  His memory is good on ancient history but not good on much else.  Still, he's cheerful and almost always in a good mood.  He remembers who we are.  He's always glad to see us.  It could be much worse.  My brother comes back around 5pm and sorts out dinner and I go home.  

I had thought that this year, post-pandemic, I would finally get around to visiting some friends and relatives.  I had a plan for a big summer car trip circling through the western US with stops at various cousins' houses.  I will have to postpone that trip.  I don't know how long this caretaking gig will last, but I'm in it for the duration.  Well, I'll be taking off a weekend at the end of April to attend the granddaughter's first birthday celebration.  Looking forward to that!

So, that's what's going on around here.  Meanwhile, the sun is breaking through the clouds and it looks like it will be at least partly sunny today.  More rain in the forecast for tomorrow but such is life in this well-watered region.

Have a beautiful day, friends!

Back Home after the Big Event

Everything turned out just fine. Whew! My daughter gave birth to a healthy baby girl and the whole family is delighted. Charlotte Elizabeth (wt 7.7, length 19") hit all the average markers. We are relieved at that since her father has a genetic disorder which could have had profound effects. So far all good. Once they were home from the hospital, we got into a routine. Zoe would be up and down with the baby all night and then in the morning I would hold her for a few hours while Z got some sleep. Now I'm missing that morning snuggle time! They have had to supplement breast feeding with formula as the supply wasn't yet up to the demand (as it were). Well, you know what that means. Of all the times for there to be a nationwide shortage of baby formula! One morning I went to 4 stores to search out what we needed. I can't imagine what it is like for families who have no other option. What a nightmare. In fact, I talked to some parents while we stood in front of empty shelves or waited for the store clerk to bring the keys to unlock the cabinet. That's right, in some stores baby formula is now under lock and key. On the good news front, both parents are absolutely in love with their baby girl. I knew Zoe would be but I wasn't sure about her man. Thankfully, he passed the grandmother administered test. He didn't know that he was being tested, so he couldn't fake it to get a passing grade. I was going to post a couple of photos, but I'm having computer issues. I hope to have that sorted out soon. Now I am home and feeling a little at loose ends. I've got plenty to do around the place but I'm finding my attention is drawn northward. I suppose that's natural. I told the kid to get her man on board with moving somewhere that has a mother-in-law unit. She's in favor of it and he says that he is too, but he is dragging his feet. We've got some time, but... tick tock! That's all I've got for now. I'll try to post a picture soon... Cheers!

Now we are waiting...

 I'm heading up to the Seattle area today.  Going to help the Kid get some stuff in order before the Big Event.  She has asked me to sort out her linen closet and laundry room, and help get the baby's room in order.  I'm also taking a few things up that she left here.

We had a baby shower for her at the end of March.  My two buddies came up for that - in fact, they did most of the organizing for it.  It was a small event, my two pals, me and the Kid, the neighbor, my cousin, and one friend from work.  All the other guests were on Zoom.  We had a pregnant woman and an immune compromised woman in attendance and while the mask mandate has expired the virus has not.  Doesn't hurt to be careful.

The only thing that Zoe asked for was books.  She received quite a variety!  There are so many new and wonderful books for small children out there!  I was hoping that the other mums who she knows would have a great selection of new reading material and I was not disappointed.  There's even one with a bi-racial gay dad couple.  Big thumbs up from this grandmother!  Seriously, though, I need to find some baby books with lesbian grannies...  if any of you have seen one, let me know!

Of course, she also got a bunch of other stuff.  Super cute clothes, practical baby gear, stuff that I have absolutely no idea what it is for...  good thing that Zoe's on top of all of the new stuff.  There is so damned much equipment involved in childrearing!  

I'm planning on being there for several days.  Then I'll come home and wait until I get the call for the big event.  Originally the baby was due in early May but the doctors have moved the date up a couple of times.  Once because of measurements and once because of Zoe's blood pressure.  It's borderline too high and they don't want to take a chance of her developing pre-eclampsia.  So, now they are inducing labor on the 21st of April.  That's just two weeks away!!!  

Zoe and her husband have asked me to come up and stay when they bring the baby home.  They are nervous, naturally.  I'm sure they won't need me for as long as they think they will (Rob asked if I could come for a month, lol).  But, I'm happy to help.  I think that I'll mostly be doing things like walking the dog, cooking dinners and washing clothes, but that's cool.  I'm super rusty when it comes to infants!  I've only had one and it was quite some time ago...  what if I have forgotten everything?  Just something else to worry about.

I'm also going to cook and freeze some meals for when I leave.  Nothing says I love you like a pan of enchiladas!  They live too far from civilization to have those meal prep services delivered so I'll prepare in the old school way.  Frozen casseroles to the rescue!  Lol.

That's all I've got for now.  I'm looking forward to getting some stuff done for the Kid -- she'll be busy real soon!

Cheers!

Ten

 It's been ten years since my mom died.  Here's what I texted to my immediate family:

Today is the ten year anniversary of the death of our beloved matriarch.

First of all: I can't believe it's been that long.

Second: ten years has not dulled the pain of that loss. 

Third: I am grateful to have had her as long as I did.

Fourth: I know I don't grieve alone.

I made an apple cake this morning.  I'm going to take a chunk over to Grampy and Walter later.  I'm not sure if they are marking the occasion but I am.  I need a little bit of acknowledgement of our profound loss.  Not sure I'll get it from them. But, in my heart, we are all united in singing her praises, telling funny stories, and keeping alive her memory. But that's just in my heart. Mostly likely I'll be celebrating her on my own. But, I WILL celebrate the amazing person that was my mother.

(Steps off soapbox)

Xoxox  xoxox  xoxox'

#

To their everlasting credit, they all responded to my text immediately.  It's true that I don't suffer her loss alone.  We all feel it.  We all mourn her.  I guess there is a comfort in being able to share a memory of someone dear with a person who knew them.  Some kind of shared spark of memory.  A connection.

Ok, well, I'm going to get ready to go to my dad's.  See ya!

On the Tube

The television, that is...

Netflix has a new series from the Japanese wonder worker, Marie Kondo.  I had been avoiding it, as I did her book, because I don't have a problem with my clutter.  Would I prefer that it was less dusty?  Yes, of course, but I don't have room in my brain to stress about that.  Plus, I found the whole 'does it bring you joy' thing a little precious and gimmicky.

So, feeling skeptical, I decided to see what the big fuss was about.  There are a handful of episodes and I chose one with an empty nest couple.  I didn't start with the first one because it is a family with toddlers and, thankfully, that is not my life!

The couple, I think their last name is Akiyama, have a large house that was full to the brim.  My first thought was, 'Yay!  I'm not anywhere near that level of stuff!'  It made me feel a tiny bit smug.  T always complained that I was a hoarder and that is simply not true.  I've been in hoarder houses and mine is not one.  She just likes to be mean.  Plus, she comes from a family who actively support the disposable lifestyle and that is the diametric opposite of me and my family.  (We actually use our old things and prefer to not buy more.)

The process was interesting to watch.  The wife had a mountain of clothing.  A really astounding number of garments.  But, she was quite frank about her love of clothes and shopping and yes, most of the clothes brought her joy.  Still she did manage to reduce the sheet numbers and what she kept, while still a staggering amount in my eyes, was organized and accessible. 

The husband's big thing was baseball cards.  He had a stack of boxes that literally went to the ceiling.  I thought he would dig in his heels about paring it down, but he was willing to reduce it.  Good for him.  He pared it way down; the stack is nowhere near the ceiling now! 

Then there were the Christmas decorations.  Honestly, it was staggering how many things they had.  The wife liked to decorate every room in the house at the holiday and I support her right to do so.  But, seriously, that was a lot of nutcrackers!  I can't remember how many containers of decorations they kept but it still felt like a lot.  However, it was considerably less than they had started with, and everything was neatly put away rather than stacked up higgledy-piggledy through the house.

The best thing about the episode, to me, was the spirit of camaraderie that the husband and wife shared.  There was a sense of working together; they were on the same side.  It wasn't one spouse pushing the other to get rid of things that they love.  They looked like they were both invested in the process and they both benefited from it.  It was really sweet!  I have such a jaded view of marriage and partnership that it surprised me to see two people working in harmony.  I felt a little wistful that I will never have that, but it was somehow comforting to know that it exists in the world.

I realize, of course, that the show is highly edited and the tone is set by what the producers leave in and what they take out.  But, I didn't get the sense that the couple had underlying animosity over their collections of stuff.  I'm going to go ahead and hold that thought, because it 'brings me joy'... lol.

Next, I'm going to watch the episode with the book collectors.  If there is a trouble spot for me it is my personal library.  I grew up in a house chock full of books and I inherited a lot of them from my parents.  I'm a reader, for certain, and I love books.  I have been giving some away lately and need to accelerate that process.  The 'little free libraries' around me receive a lot of the books that I pass on, but I could do more.

The other really sticky spot for me is sentimental items.  I am not up for tackling that at this point in time.  That's where the real baggage comes in.

So, tell me, have you watched this series or read the book?  Are you someone who holds on to things?  Or do you live with someone like that?

End of December

Well, well, well.

I finished NaNoWriMo with another win, but it was difficult.  Note to self: Do NOT take a week off in November!  Second note to self: If impaneled on a jury, get a lighter weight laptop!  I had a lot of catching up to do and it was very difficult, not counting schlepping the dinosaur age computer downtown every day.  I had a 6k word day followed by a 5k word day and those two back to back nearly fried my brain.  But, I made it to 50k within the time, so...  yes.  Scraped a win.

My duty to the criminal justice system in my county ended on 12/19.  It was a rough month!  The Grand Jury doesn't hear trials (as I'm sure you know) but hears testimony from police and witnesses and decides if the DA has enough evidence to indict.  It's only for felonies.  And, the way it is set up here is that there are three juries: #1 hears murder, rape and child abuse cases; #2 hears drug crimes; #3 hears property crimes.  I was on #3, but let me tell you, there was a LOT of crossover from jury #1 into our jury.  We heard a murder case (gruesome, with surveillance video and autopsy photos), rape cases, a pedophile case, domestic violence, and an officer involved shooting.  There was nothing 'property crime' about our duties.  Oh, sure, there were dozens and dozens of car thefts, embezzlement, identity thefts, burglary, etc, but our jury duty was often distressing, horrifying, overwhelming and triggering.  Thankfully, we had an excellent group.  Only one supporter of the current regime and he was not a raving lunatic but a retired businessman.  The other six were as liberal as could be, self included.  In fact, we got along so well that we are having a jury reunion in February.

Jury duty ended on 12/19 and the kid and her gang arrived on the 12/22.  Her gang includes herself, her husband, her big enthusiastic golden retriever, and, now, the husband's 17 year old nephew.  That's a houseful!  I had to do some furniture shifting and bed rearranging to get it all sorted out.  We had a lovely time together, though, despite the somewhat crowded conditions.  I got to spend some quality time with my darling daughter, and nothing beats that.

An aside: The teenager is a good kid, as far as teenagers go.  Lol.  Poor thing, his parents are both flakes (his dad is Rob's favorite brother).  He was living with his mom but she decided to move in with her boyfriend and didn't have the space or the interest in having her only child live with her.  I'm sure he's better off not being there, but what a crappy thing to do to your only child.  His dad lives in a travel trailer with his own mom, while they are remodeling her house.  No room for a third person there.  His other grandmother said he could come for a week or so but that she was about to leave for Arizona to her senior snowbird community and he wouldn't be able to come with her.  So, basically, every immediate adult in his life dropped the ball.  So, he moved from Florida to Washington to live with his aunt and uncle. 

Here's a funny thing: about a week after he moved in with them, I had an email from Zoe apologizing for her behavior as a teen.  That made me laugh.  The boy had an online girlfriend and ALL he would do was sit in his room on the computer.  It was driving Zoe mad!  I laughed and laughed...  In a turn of good luck, his virtual gf broke up with him and a couple of days later two girls at his real life high school asked him to sit with them at lunch.  One has since asked him to the winter formal, and now he has a real girlfriend.  All is well.

Saving the best for last:  My big news is that I finally did it.  I broke up with T.  It ended 'not with a bang but a whimper'.  We both acknowledged that this relationship had run its course and wasn't working for either of us.  Yes, I initiated the break up, and I owned that, but it hasn't been good for a long time, and T agreed with me.  We parted amicably and I hope we can remain friends.  We still have details to sort out - separating our phone accounts, closing our shared bank account, she needs to collect a bunch of furniture and stuff from my house... all of that and more.

It was such a tremendous relief! 

Here's the thing.  All of that furniture shifting was motivating.  Last month I had given my nice leather couch, chair and ottoman to my cousin.  The set was very nice but too big for me and too big for my house.  I asked T if she wanted it and was told no.  I tried to sell it to various people I know and no one wanted it.  I finally found someone who would really like to have it and that was my cousin who doesn't have any cash to spare.  So, I gave it to her.  It felt so good to get it out of the house!  It was like a plug being pulled.  The energy in the downstairs started to flow better.  So, when I had the kids coming for five days and had to do some rearranging in the bedrooms, well, I just kept on with the energy improvement efforts.  After they left, I took T's big dresser out of my bedroom and put it (temporarily) in the guest room (aka: Zoe's room).  I asked T if she wanted the bedroom set.  She had brought it from her old house to mine when we moved in together.  I had already switched out the enormous bed frame.  Now the giant dresser is out of my room and the nightstands are going today.  She said that she wants the furniture for her brother, but she can't pick it up for a while.  That's cool.  As long as it's out of my way, and out of my bedroom.  Again, the energy feels so much better!

So, I'm feeling pretty good!  Feeling like the new year has a lot of potential to be awesome.  I get to start out with the release from an untenable situation and that feels wonderful.  I have good stuff planned for the coming year.  My rancher friend has moved heaven and earth in order to take a vacation and is coming to visit for a week.  Another friend and I have a plan to travel to Chicago and do some crazy public service project...  ok, not crazy, it'll be fun!  I think we are going to be planting native grasses on the lake shore.  Whatever!  The point is to meet up and have fun in real life.  My friend KA and I are planning a long car trip.  And, I will be going to Long Beach to visit Lisa (just as soon as her sister leaves).  I will also be teaching more self defense, and who knows what else.  Staying busy! 

Happy New Year, friends!  I hope the coming year is good to us all. 
Blessings of the Goddess on you and your family from me and mine.
Love,
E

Compartmentalizing

Well, it's how we get through this world isn't it?  If you can't box shit up to deal with later, you'll never make it out of the house.  The trick is to open the boxes and deal with the contents, instead of shoving them into the basement for forever.  I know you feel me on this; don't pretend you don't!

Good thing I'll have some time to ponder, coming up here.  It'll be time well spent.

But, for the here and now, I'm busy.  Mostly busy at work, finishing up and getting stuff ready to be handed off.  Training the new person.  Emptying my office.  You know.  All that. I've been there for 23 years... I brought home a lot of stuff!  Oh, I have to tell you this: I was walking down the hall to a meeting yesterday and looked down.  I realized that I was wearing my gardening shoes instead of my office shoes!  And, naturally, I had just taken home my spare office shoes that lived in a desk drawer, just the weekend before.  Figures.  Made me laugh, actually.

My niece is going home to Virginia on the 30th.  The whole 'living with Grampy and going to college' thing didn't work out.  Directly as a result of my brother's animosity.  I'm not sure how to deal with him, going forward.  He is poisoning our dad against us.  I'm hanging in there because I don't want my dad to forget that his other two children love him.

Back to the niece, unfortunately her family is coming during the last week of June.  It's the last week of my employment and I know I will be busy.  And, there are a couple of happy hours scheduled that week for after work as well, so I can be sure that I'll be getting home late.  I know that they can entertain themselves, but I wanted to be able to see the rest of the family while they were here.  Plus, there might very well be drama and I want to be available to put out the fire.  That's what the middle-child-only-girl tends to do.  This one, anyway.

Meanwhile, it's still pretty cool and damp and cloudy here.  This weekend is our Pride celebration and, fingers crossed, it's supposed to be sunny.  I sure hope so!  If not, we've got rain gear.  :-)

Ok.  That's it for now.  I've got to go be efficient.

How is May almost over???

Hey Women,

How has spring been treating you?  Have you had some sun and flowers and green grass?  Have you had long pleasant evenings sitting on the porch with the neighbors, sipping a cool glass of something?  I hope so.  I have.  Doesn’t it feel good?

Here’s my catch up:

The countdown to retirement is on!  Still feeling a trifle ambivalent, but doing it anyway.  There have been some mornings that I have felt quite resentful at having to go in.  Ha!  Soon.  Very, very soon.  In fact, it’s 25 work days (counting my work from home days).  Yikes!  I’d better keep scanning!

So, T and I finally cashed out our vacation fund and went to Hawai’i.  We spent a week on Maui and had a really good time.  We got along surprisingly well!  We did a few things, but mostly hung out and relaxed.  It was very pleasant.  She might have roped me into a deal where I end up with a tattoo… I breathed a sigh of relief when all of the clean and reputable places in Lahaina were booked up.  If it happens, and I wouldn’t be adamantly opposed to it, a small image of a sea turtle, possibly on the inside of my calf.  If it ever happens.  I really wish we had seen one while we were snorkeling.  We saw plenty of fish, and we saw the turtles all the time coming up for air while grazing on the reef.  And, while they were in the same area that we were snorkeling, at the same time, we never saw one through our masks.  But, we still felt like we were swimming in their back yard.

I’m going to have to postpone my car trip.  I’ve got to sort out a better vehicle.  My car is a 1999 Audi.  I bought it from my sister in law for $2000 a year or two ago.  I’ve had to shell out for a couple of repairs, and I’m afraid there’s just a whole lot more of that in this car’s future.  It’s a decent small car and I rarely drive, so it has served me well enough.  I have taken it to Seattle a couple of times, but it’s had a couple of issues since then so I’m thinking that it might be just an around town car now. 

Speaking of Seattle, my niece and I are going up for a baseball game with Zoe next week!  Fun!  We are taking the train up on Friday, doing some touristy stuff in Seattle and then taking an express bus to the east side.  Zoe will pick us up and will spend the night at her house.  Then, her town is having it’s ‘town celebration’ that weekend so we will hang out there and see what there is to see.  Saturday evening is the baseball game – Mariners vs the Tampa Bay Rays.  The Mariners have been playing so badly!  I hope none of you saw that game we lost that was something like 10 to 1.  Ugh.  So. Bad.  So, yes, after the game we’ll go back to Zoe’s, spend the night, have her take us to Seattle the next day and take the train home.  It will be a good weekend away.  T is not coming.  We’ll have to spend some time with Z’s husband, but it’ll be fine. 

I haven’t gotten any gardening done this spring.  All I’ve done is pull weeds.  I know that I could still put some veggies in, if I bought some starts, but I think I’ll let the garden lie fallow this year.  Maybe I’ll plant a nitrogen fixing cover crop.  I’ve got garlic growing, leftovers from the last harvest.  I’ve got blueberries and raspberries and huckleberries and herbs.  Thyme, chives, rosemary.  And I’ve got two plentiful rhubarbs.  But, I have a lot of empty space in my raised beds.

Hey, I actually had some other stuff to say, but I have to go over to my dad’s house.  It’s Wednesday night – that’s what we do!  So, I’m going to go ahead and post this nonsense, because you know how I am.  If I procrastinate at all, it just doesn’t happen.

Thanks for reading, friends!

Family Eruption

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of women's safety in contemporary America.  Could get ugly.

Just when you think that everything is going along swimmingly...  a shark fin is spotted in the harbor!
What the heck does that mean?  Well, I thought that everything was going really well with my dad and the teenager and then shit blew up this weekend.  Sigh.

Actually, everything is still going well with my dad and the teenager, it's my younger brother who is the problem.  Here's how it went down:

Friday afternoon I got a text from the niece asking if I would call Gramps and let him know that she could get herself home from work on her own.  I asked, 'What's going on?'  Turns out my brother, not her father but the other brother, has decided that it is too much trouble to pick her up at the transit center (or work) when she has a late shift.  He says that it's too hard on the grandfather to stay up past 9:00 pm.  Mind you, the grandfather did not say this, only his pampered son.  AND, it was her first day on the job.

The transit center is not far from their house, but it is a dangerous place in the dark, with all sorts of miscreants, punks and homeless people hanging out and relative isolation physically from the rest of the community.  You have to cross a bridge and descend a stair to a platform alongside the tracks and overlooking the freeway -- there is no street access or businesses nearby, it's very isolated.

So, my brother decided that it was too late for our dad to go out at night, and he certainly couldn't be bothered to shift his lazy ass off the couch to pick up the kid, so she'd have to get herself home after her work shift ended at 9:15.

I AM SO ANGRY WITH MY BROTHER!  AND MY DAD!  AND MY OTHER BROTHER!

Fucking straight white men and their fucking straight white man PRIVILEGE!  My blood was boiling!  It's still at an active simmer!

Not a one of them has ever been afraid.  Not a one of them has ever been threatened.  Not a one of them has had to endure the hidden violence of cat-calling, of being followed, of being accosted while waiting for a bus or a train.  They haven't been shoved up against a wall while some man presses his engorged dangly bits against them.  They haven't had to deal with the realistic fear of being young and female in the city (or anywhere).  They have never been raped.  They are so fucking oblivious!  And entitled!

The first thing I texted back to my niece was: I will pick you up at work.  I don't want her to have to quit her job because she has no one to rely on within her family.  I don't care if she works or not, that's not my issue, but I don't want her world restricted to the daylight hours and the small safe zone she has around the house.  How many of us have had to conquer that in our lifetimes?  I remember back in the 1970's when my mom picked me up at the school bus stop in the car when I had late practice in high school.  It was about a tenth of a mile; we could have counted our steps between the two spots, but it was along a main road with no houses or businesses within sight or earshot and my mom didn't feel that it was safe for me to walk home in the dark.  All I can say now is, Thank you, Mom, for being worried about me.  I will gladly continue to pay that forward.

*** Take a breath.  I need to as well. ***

I'm mad at my younger brother.  Full stop.  I'm frustrated with my dad and older brother (father of the kid).  There are multiple layers of angst rearing up in my family right now, and some of them are extremely unsettling, but one thing ties the three adult men in the family together: their willful blindness to the peril women face on a daily basis.  If they lived a week in our shoes, they wouldn't begin to understand what we have known since childhood: the world will hurt you.  There are bad people who seek to control and debase you.  Every action will be judged and found wanting.  Do not talk; dress; act; look; behave; speak; (etc) that way, or pay the consequences.  It doesn't matter how nice, quiet, sweet, unassuming, invisible you are -- the world will hurt you.

*** Ok, take another breath with me...***

My dad and brothers are looking at things like: how far away is the transit center?  Not the reality of; what is the transit center like at night for an 18 year old girl?

My older brother thanked me for taking his daughter to the self defense course.  I said, yes, but a single class does not make a black belt.  It would be foolish for her to assume that because she has completed one 3-hour class that she can go anywhere with impunity.  Fortunately, she is smarter and savvier than they are.

The other big issue raised was that she should be driving herself.  Now, that might have been expected if she were living in the rural suburbs where she grew up, or even the suburbs around Portland, but she lives in a close-in city neighborhood and works downtown.  You tell me how leaving her car in a parking garage and having to get back to it safely late at night is a safe strategy... These men have never lived our lives.  I'm sorry, but parking garages are very dangerous.  That's our reality.

Upshot: I'm picking up my niece after her late shifts and dropping her off at her/my dad's house.  My younger brother is out of the equation.  That's good.

The other upshot: my younger brother has said some things to me that make me seriously doubt his mental state.  He is making up a new history for himself that doesn't align with what we lived.  That's pretty concerning.  Also, he has a lot of influence with our dad.

Pollyanna note:  I dropped by my dad's house this morning to check on him when my brother wasn't there.  He appreciated me checking in and is feeling better about things.  He is still 100% supportive of the kid living here and is enjoying her company.  Also, Pollyanna #2, I'll get to see the kid more often and I count that as a good thing.

***Go ahead and take a few more breaths.  Shake your head.  Breathe again.  We all need it.***

One week later

It's Sunday.  T has been in Hawaii for one week.  She gets home this evening.  Here are the highlights of my week:

• Tuesday, had dinner with a friend (pizza and champagne), and watched 'The Queen's Garden' or something like that, which she had recorded from PBS.  Interesting!

• Wednesday, had my usual get together with my dad.  My brother was there and asked about T.  When I said that she was in Hawaii with her sister he said, 'So, your vacation too!'  Uhhh, yeah. True.

• Thursday, my neighbor texted me and asked if I could come over when I got home from work.  Her husband's father had died (not unexpectedly) and her son's recent marriage is on shaky ground and she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts.  Of course I went over.

• Friday, home alone!  I think I was in bed and reading by 8:45.  Lights out shortly thereafter.  

• Saturday evening, went to a birthday party.  Saw a number of friends all in one place, and then went home early.  It was pleasant enough, but I really just wanted to be at home.

It was a busier week than I had anticipated, but not in a bad way.  I got a few minor projects done that I wanted to address, but nothing major.  My next biggish project will be converting an old wood storage closet on the basement landing into a kitchen tool storage closet.  You know, all those space eating countertop appliances that are just too big to put anywhere.  Well, we don't use firewood in the house, and this closet is deep and can be converted to hold several shelves.  All of the large, awkward, bulky stuff (crock pots, canning pots, food processor, etc) will then be stored just a few steps away.  Maybe I'll get that done this summer.

Meanwhile, I have had a very restful week, despite all of the social activity, and feel good.  Centered and calm.  This week has been a good reminder of how valuable solitude is to me.  I will keep this reminder close to me going forward.

And, just because I mentioned Spring last time, Hello Violets!  I had one tiny patch of violets burst into bloom this week.  Love them!  Still waiting for daffodils, etc, but they are coming...  Sprng is Coming!

End of Year Greetings

There are two days left of 2015 and I will be happy to put this year behind me.  Behind us.  It’s been a tough one.  I know that is true for many of you, as well.  Let’s raise a glass of icy cold, mountain-borne, pure Oregon water and toast the coming year.  Bring on 2016!  Gotta be better, right?!

Here are some updates from my world.

Health:  The cancer saga continues, but is on a better plane now.  T has had surgery and now has a fantastically flat chest.  She kind of likes it, I definitely like it.  Her physical recovery from surgery is going well.  Her incisions are healing nicely.  Most of her upper body mobility is back.  She is back at work.  She will continue to get ‘chemo lite’ through the end of May, and then get the port removed.  She is taking a beta blocker to protect her heart from the cancer killing drugs, and when she is done with chemo she can stop that.  She is also taking an estrogen killer and will continue with that for the next 5 years.  It’s not tamoxifen, but something like it.  I have noticed that her body temperature regulation has altered dramatically.  She used to run hot, and have frequent hot flashes, and now she is chilly a lot.  Believe me, the furnace is cranking at our house!

Holidays: Survived.  Actually, now that my sister-in-law has divorced her asshole husband, things are much calmer at the family get togethers.  I never realized what an instigator he was before.  He worked quietly but the effect was loud and contentious.  Really, a rude man.  I’m glad that he’s not around anymore.    I met two of T’s aunts at Thanksgiving.  Her late father’s two sisters.  One is an unbearable snob.  She married a rich doctor and now lords it over the rest of the family.  No thanks!  The other one is funny and loving and seems really kind.  Lucky for us the nicer one lives near Seattle and the snob lives in Los Angeles.  Not that I have any intention of looking either one up.  But, I wouldn’t mind stopping by the nice one’s house on my way to my daughter’s. 

Family: Speaking of my daughter, she was down for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Yay!  Bonus holiday time!  She came by herself for Thanksgiving since her husband was away on a business trip.  They both came down for the December holiday.  He isn’t my favorite person in the world, but it could be so very much worse and for some reason my daughter loves him… so, I tolerate him.  He has improved over the years, maybe he feels more comfortable with us, and I am working at seeing the good side.  It doesn’t help me that my partner can’t stand him and is always judging and criticizing.

The other family: T and her sister had a falling out and hadn’t spoken to each other for a year or so.  That rift is now healed and they are enjoying each other’s company.  Interestingly, since the sister is now single and an empty nester, they are doing things that they haven’t been able to do since they were young.  In fact, I think they are having more fun than when they were young.   They are going to Las Vegas at the end of January – and taking their mom!  Just for a weekend getaway.  (I’m so relieved that I wasn’t invited.  I hate Las Vegas.  I’m not a gambler and the tawdriness of Vegas depresses me.)  Also, the sister won a vacation to Hawaii through her work and she is taking T as her guest.  That will be wonderful for T.  I’m sure they will have a great time.

Employment: I’m still here.  Whoopee!  At the first of the year, I will have one and a half years to go until I retire.  Halle-fucking-lujah!  There have been some real rough patches at work over the last year and it has been extremely trying.  Plus, I’m being kicked out of my office in a space shuffle and I have yet to be assigned a new spot.  It’s made for some extra tension at the work place, that’s for sure.  But, knowing that my days are counting down, I’m taking the ‘roll with it’ attitude.  There’s nothing I can do to change it, so I’ll just finish out my time with a smile and move the hell on.  If I still had a decade to go, I would be worried over where they were going to put me, but I can see the end from here so there’s no use fussing about it.

After I retire, I’ll still need to work but my plan is to find something that is interesting, satisfying and does some good in the world – ideally with health benefits.  I won’t be eligible for Medicare for a few years, so I’ll need something.  Of course, there’s always Obamacare (thank you, Mr President!)

Another health topic: My best friend of over 40 years has been in a bad health spiral.  She was diagnosed with adult onset diabetes last year and was working hard at keeping it under control.  Unfortunately, her doctor put her on a drug to control the blood sugar and it resulted in kidney disease.  Full blown, low functioning kidney disease.  She has begun dialysis.  She needs a kidney.  I’ll be tested for donating one in the spring.  Just a little something to look forward to.

I think that’s about it for today.  I’ll keep the topics suggested by seasonal affective disorder to myself, ok? 

Happy New Year!  

News, of a sort...

As usual, it's been way too long since my last post.  I'm sorry about that, because I should have been keeping you up to date along the way.  Instead of an incremental accumulation of information, you get a big batch - a data dump, a bolus, an almost incomprehensible amalgamation of news from me.  Like I said, I'm sorry.

But, really, I'm sorry for us.

T has breast cancer.

FUCK YOU, CANCER, I'M TIRED OF YOU FUCKING UP PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!  I'M TIRED OF YOU TAKING THEM AWAY FROM ME!  I'M TIRED OF YOU DOMINATING THE WAY WE MANAGE TO SCRATCH OUT AN EXISTENCE AROUND YOU!  FUCK YOU, SO MUCH!

Sorry.  Had to say that.  And, so much more, but whatever.  I know that you have all said it too.  Over and over and over again.  Really, the question is, 'Who's not tired of that asshole, Cancer?'

So, yeah, prepare yourselves from posts about shitty stuff.  Again, sorry.  You know what I would rather blog about?  Flowers.  Springtime.  Puppies.  Happy shit.

Remember when I lasted posted?  And I was so blithely happy, looking forward to my visit with my kid and my two besties?  Yeah.  That was awesome.  I'm glad I had that minute of joy.  Because it shortly turned to ashes.

So, here's how it has played out so far.

December: "Oh, hell.  We forgot to schedule our mammogram in November."  "Ok, let's do it now, at the end of December, before your insurance runs out." [cue music]
Communication from Women's Imaging dept: "Please call us to schedule a follow up appointment."
Us: "Shoot. Insurance just ended.""Oh, it's probably another harmless cyst."  "Insurance starts again in 90 days,  We'll schedule it then."
Radiology: "Where the hell have you been?  We need follow up imaging STAT!"
Us: "Uh oh."

Follow up mammogram.
Follow up ultrasound.  With needle biopsy.
Pathology results.
Follow up MRI. New findings.
Follow up ultrasound.  Inconclusive.
Secondary pathology results.
Meet with surgeon.
Meet with more providers than we expected.
Schedule so much shit.

At first we were handling it well.  Yes, both of us.  The initial treatment plan was a quick lumpectomy and radiation.  Ok, that's shitty.  But, we can deal with it.  We feel confident about surviving it and thriving afterwards.  Then the secondary pathology results came back.  The dreaded HR2 receptor was active.  Suddenly, we switched tracks from manageable to a whirlwind of medicine.

These results came back on Thursday morning, just in time for Tumor Board.  The oncology team was increased from Surg Onc and Rad Onc to include Med Onc.  Yes, that's the provider no one wants to have on their team.  The Chemotherapy doctors.

At this point, T finally cracked.  She had been firmly positive and determined about the early prognosis.  But, when the chemotherapy and all it's side effects were added into the equation, her confidence took a heavy blow.  Her outlook plummeted.  It has been a shitty weekend after a month fraught with doubt and dismay.

We have appointments coming up this weekend.  Follow up MRI.  Possible MR guided needle biopsy.  EKG to see if her heart is ok for chemo.  Decision about lumpectomy vs mastectomy. Place a fucking port.  Because, T's going to have a year of chemo.

Things are not great around here.  We've got a whole lot of stuff to process right now.  (As the kids say, 'all the feels'... except, I guess, not the good ones.)

Silver Lining: T has talked to quite a few friends and relative about it.  (So not like my family!)  We have pretty firm and believable offers of help for the next 18 weeks.  Our best neighbor, who will be off work (public school employee) and T's best friend, Chris, who is self employed, have both offered to drive her to and from chemo and other appointments.  Lots of other friends have offered to help, or offered to bring food, and I appreciate every single one of them,  Her other bestie has already brought us dinner on a night when we had an MRI at 7:30pm.  Thank the Goddess for friends!

It'll be a long road.  Here's to the end ...  ::clink::  ::cheers::

In the meantime, here's a picture of the grandpuppy!

Zoe is bringing him down next weekend.  A combination of mother's day and cheer up T day.  Bless her heart...

Another Monday

What?!  A blogpost?!  Bet you thought I quit blogging...  nope.  Just...  haven't.

Today is Monday and I am pleased to say that I am at home.  I am not taking this for granted because the new boss at my work decided to take away the option of working four days a week, mostly just because he can.  I had to fight to get it back.  I wish the fight had been physical, but it was a battle of wills and words.  I won some and lost more.  Because, you know, Straight-MiddleAged-White-Man has to win for the world to keep spinning.  But, whatever!  It's Monday and I am at home.

I haven't wanted to mention the weather since it has been so incredibly bad for most of you.  But, you know what?  It's gorgeous here.  Ok, yes, it is a very, very rainy and windy day, but there are flowers.  And, crazy as it sounds, we need the rain.  And snow in the mountains.  So, yay, rain!  (Plus, it's not snow or ice at my house.)

My daughter got a puppy!  A golden retriever puppy, 10 weeks old.  So cute!  Does she really want a baby?  I think so, but she also wanted a puppy, so I am happy for her.  I'm going up there to see her in a couple of weeks so I'll get to meet the new family member.

Actually, my two best friends are also going to Zoe's house.  We are meeting up for our yearly visit and I am really looking forward to it.  It's been too long since I've seen those gals.  They are flying up and renting a car.  They'll pick me up at the train station.  From there we'll head to the Kid's house.  We have no plans whatsoever.  Best kind of trip, I think.  The whole point is just to hang out together.  Oh, we'll probably do a couple of things, but mostly we just want to hang out.  Here is a picture of our last get together, in our team shirts!

What good sports they are!  We went out to lunch in those matching shirts and stopped for booze on the way back to the house.  It makes me laugh to see that picture!  I got us team shirts again, but instead of being all matching they are all similar.  Shades of lavender, with floral prints.  I got one for Zoe, too.  :-)

Well, friends, that's Monday.  I hope you have a lovely day with at least a little bit of sunshine...

Cheers!

Micro-Tuesday

Tuesday counts, right?  Lol.

Survived Thanksgiving.  Both.  The inlaws didn’t start getting squirrely until after dessert, so I call that a win.  Some bickering, some yelling, some heated tempers, but not an all out scene or tantrum.  We left shortly after the flare up, so it wasn’t too bad. 

Then, I cooked all day for Thanksgiving at my house.  Everything turned out well.  My dad and brother came over.  They didn’t leave the moment the plates were cleared.  They didn’t stay for pie, but we were all too full, really, so I sent some home with them.   Along with containers of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, yams, spinach.

My daughter and her husband did not come so it was just the four of us.  I will call it cosy rather than small and sad.  The holidays do bring sadness, missing people who we wish were there with us.  I guess it’s best to acknowledge the absence, reflect, and have pie.  I don’t know.  What works for you?

MicroMonday

I have to go with a seasonal theme today.  Thanksgiving.

I love Thanksgiving.  The ‘giving’ consists of food, family and friendship.  It isn’t a shopping extravaganza kind of holiday.  Except for the food shopping, I guess.

This year, I am going to the in-laws on Thursday.  I’ve gotten out of it for a few times, and I would be happy getting out of it forever.  That sounds rude, I know, and I don’t truly mean to be rude, but honestly, my mother in law is not a good cook.  She’s a family cook.  True, she has cooked in diners for years, but more along the lines of a short order kind of cook.  She makes the same dishes she always makes.  It’s their family’s traditional comfort food.  It’s also pretty bad.  Or, maybe I should say, it isn’t what I grew up eating.

Instead of feeling disappointed in the meal and the holiday, I am adjusting my expectations.  I’m not going for the food.  I’m not even going for the company.  I’m going because it will make my partner happy.  For a bonus, it will make her mom happy too, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  It will be loud, too hot, televisions on in two different rooms, a small yappy dog underfoot all day long, mediocre food, and the mother in law (who is nearly deaf) bossing everyone and wielding a wooden spoon.  As long as I know this and plan ahead for it, I’ll be fine.  I’m going to lay claim to a remote control, put on some football, sit on a couch and watch a game and smile through the whole thing.  I can be nice!

On Friday, I will cook a small Thanksgiving dinner for myself, my partner, my dad and my crazy brother (who may or may not come).  I have purchased the turkey breast.  I have planned out my menu.  I have done most of the shopping and will be ready.  This will be a delicious meal.  And I will be giving thanks twice.

What are you all doing?

November -- Done!

Hello Friends!  Gosh, I've missed you all!

Made it!  Survived and WON at NaNoWriMo.  I have written over 50,000 words this month, almost all of them about my mom.  And about me and my mom.  And our family.  And, and, and.  It's a lot of words, but it just begins to scratch the surface of what I want to say about her.  Still, it's a start.

What else is going on?

For the last year and a half I have been on my own schedule, stumbling through life.  For the couple of decades before that I had been getting up painfully early to be to work before dawn's early crack.  This let me be home in the afternoon when I was raising the Kid.  Well, when my mom got sick and I started taking care of her in the mornings, I no longer had to set my alarm to get up.  That was nice.  Real nice.  It's now been a year since my darling mumsey left me, but did I go back to my previous early morning schedule?  I did not.  In fact, I forgot how to set my alarm clock!  No kidding.  I had to download instructions online this week.  I had to be to work early one day and I was damned if I could remember how to set the thing.  Ridiculous, I know.  You don't get to toss out the alarm clock until you retire!

One thing I will need the alarm for is to get my lazy ass out of bed and back to the gym.  I stopped going on a regular basis this summer.  We had a big upsurge in busy-ness at work and besides that I was riding my bike to work.  So, I felt ok about not going.  Now, however, the rainy season has set in and I just don't feel like commuting in a downpour, spending all day feeling damp, and then riding home in the pitch black, wet night.  Just doesn't sound like a good time to me.  So, it's back to the gym before work.  Hence the alarm clock and it's mechanical intricacies.

Here's a big thing.  You probably remember from my whining about it that I don't love my job and have made up my mind to explore other options.  I've been giving this topic a lot of thought over the past year or so, and have come to a decision.  I am going to go back to school and get a degree in Engineering.

Let's let that sink in for a minute, shall we?

Engineering.

I can just imagine that stunned look on your faces.

It may sound crazy, and it may indeed be crazy, but I'm going to go for it.  I have some ideas about small scale energy generation and I would like to learn the theory and practice of how to make it work.  Actually, I have some ideas about other projects as well, and I'm really looking forward to taking them beyond the idea phase.  I'm excited about it!

But, engineering requires a whole lot of math.  In my previous scholastic career, I studied plant biology.  There was some math involved in that but I didn't have to go beyond algebra, trigonometry and statistics.  So, I'll have to do calculus.  I AM NOT AFRAID!  She shouted to the Universe...

I'm planning on doing a self-study refresher through the Khan Academy and then I'll take the math placement test at the University.  I am totally cool with repeating the basics because I think it will be important to really understand the nuts and bolts of this stuff.

So, that's what's going on with me in a nutshell.

Just to catch you up on the day to day stuff, here's a little overview of the past month or so.

• The end of October was the one year anniversary of my mom's death.  My daughter came down from Seattle and she and I, my dad and my younger brother got together for a little ... what ... 'acknowledgement' might be the best word for it.  The kid and Pop and I had a lovely tea using all the best china.  Later the kid and Pop and I polished silver together and talked about mumsey.  The last day of her visit was when my brother joined us and we all sat down at the table together.  It wasn't enough for me, but at least it was something.

• Thanksgiving came and went.  We had six at the table and it was generally pleasant.  My dad and brother came, Zoe and her man, and me and T.  I had lots of help in food preparation and everything turned out well.  Sent leftover home with everyone so that we didn't feel obligated to eat all that stuff.

• Speaking of eating, I gained back a couple of pounds over the holiday but overall I am still down 20 pounds since starting Weight Watchers.  Still losing!  Back to the gym should help with that...

• The gf and I are getting along moderately well.  I'll settle for that right now.  We've got that other holiday coming up though and her mom is expecting her to be there.  I don't really feel like going - especially since they don't much like me after my outburst of this summer.  I would stay home, gladly, but T's feelings would be hurt and I don't need to do that.  I am still debating whether or not I can do it.  Undecided.

• New furnace.  Ouch.  The house is nice and toasty warm and we have the latest thing in thermostats (the Nest), but man oh man was that sucker expensive.  Oh the joys of home-ownership.

I think that's it.  The large and small and in between.  I hope you are all doing well.  I've been reading your blogs when I can and when you post... haven't heard from some of you for as long as you haven't heard from me.  I guess it just goes like that sometimes.  

Let's all catch our breath before the next onslaught.  December starts TOMORROW!