She who hasn’t tasted the bitter, doesn’t understand the
sweet.
Or something like that.
I’m sure you’ve read or heard that one before, I certainly
have. It kept running through my mind
last Sunday, Mother’s Day.
Sweet, yes, because my daughter drove down for a quick
visit. It is always a welcome and restorative
occasion when the Kid comes for a visit.
Her leaving can send me into a minor tailspin, but not so much that I
don’t want her to visit.
Bitter, because Mother’s Day without your mother is
sad. It just is. I miss my mom. I felt so aggrieved and sorry for myself with
all of the FB postings of friends getting together with their moms. Jealous.
Pitiful. Orphaned. I did post something about missing my mom,
and several people agreed and commiserated.
And, I reached out to a friend whose mother died more recently than mine
and let her know that I was thinking about her.
But, still…
It’s now the Wednesday after Mother’s Day and I should have
bounced back by now. But, it’s gray and
rainy and my job is a mess and my apathy is growing exponentially. I don’t know if I need to give myself a stern
talking-to or let myself wallow in the emotions. Well, I’m not really wallowing. But I’m not trying to dig myself out,
either. Somewhere in the middle, I
guess.
Last week, my therapist suggested that we start working on a
big issue that I have been avoiding. The
issue of self worth, of the yardsticks I use to measure myself by, of my
persistent belief that I have achieved nothing of worth or value, of my
certainty that I am a disappointment to my self and family. I have no way to reframe those judgments in
my mind. I look at myself and my life and see nothing of note, nothing worth writing home about.
I guess it’s time to work on that. It also feels bittersweet – or maybe just
bitter.
My apologies for such negativity; I’m feeling down today. Probably not the best time to be posting…
