Two Weeks Later

Two weeks later and it still feels like a vacation.  I'm still waking up ridiculously early (4:48 am today).  Sometimes I manage to get back to sleep, but not often enough.  Sometimes I resort to an over-the-counter sleep aid to keep me in bed longer.  Actually, it's kind of funny.  I react strongly to most medications so I always use my pill chopper for these.  They break in half easily with just one's fingers, but then I use the chopper to quarter them.  A quarter dose of an OTC sleep aid.  Talk about light weight!  (Of course, I mean my drug metabolism... not my corporeal weight.  Obvs.)

I made a list of big projects that need doing and hung it on the wall in the dining room (where I am sitting right now.)  So far I have crossed one thing off: Remove carpet from stairs.  Now I have to sand the stairs, replace two treads, and paint.  It's interesting to see signs of previous owners in old houses.  I note that someone else loved the color green.  The stairs were green at one point!  But, when I bought the house, the edges of the stairs had been painted a light-sucking dark brown and a dark brown carpet was nailed up the middle.  And, wow, did they use a lot of nails!  Still, it's all pulled up and it went out with the weekly garbage collection.  (Dusts off hands with satisfaction!)

Weeding the yard is on the list, and it is one that will never be crossed off.  I'm pacing myself on that one.  I'm trying to keep up with the front yard first, since I don't want my neighbors to be too unhappy with me.  But, the back yard needs attention too.  Sometimes I don't even want to go outside because it all feels so overwhelming.  Like I said, I'm pacing myself and trying to just keep at it.  This may sound like an excuse, but some of the 'weeds' are native wildflowers and I intentionally let those go longer because the bees and other pollinators need them.  This in not bullshit!  I am trying to tread that line between flowering and seeding -- I pull them when they are getting close.  At least, that is my goal.  The results is... scruffy looking.  I will never have a manicured yard and I don't want one. That's not my style.  I like a more wild looking garden, one that looks like it might hold a secret or two.  But, I live in the city.  People expect the front yard to be presentable.

Last Friday was my first payday without a paycheck.  That was disconcerting.  It took me about half the day to figure out what was bugging me.  My pension checks have not stated coming yet so I have been more frugal than usual.  My final check was bigger than usual since it included my vacation cash out, but it's a reality check to look at the bank balance and miss out on that every two week payday.  On the plus side, I have taught two self defense classes since I retired and I do get paid for that.

One great thing about being retired is the ability to say Yes.  Being free of the constraints of the M-F day shift allows for all kinds of different activities.  I've had lunch out with friends a couple of times, and impromptu get togethers with some of my neighbors who are teachers.  So freeing!  And, just sitting on my front porch watching the rhythm of the neighborhood is extremely pleasant.  (Just fyi, I've always been moderately good at saying No.)

I haven't created a schedule or structure for myself yet.  I had thought that it would be healthy and productive to do so, but so far I'm just... unwinding, I guess.  It feels strange to be without a schedule.  But, I will adapt!  I'm thinking that the morning might contain some aerobic exercise, like a brisk walk.  Coffee and toast, newspaper, blog reading and then a walk.  After that, the project list.  Maybe.  We'll see what happens.

I've got loads more to say about other subjects (family, T, friends, etc) but I think this is enough for one post.  Pretty soon I'll be boring you all to tears with the excruciating minutia of my pedestrian life.  Looking forward to that?   :-)

Thanks for reading, women!

First of July, 2017

I had cake and champagne for dinner last night.

Yep.

And it was good!

Instead of the Costco sheet cake that I was expecting, there were fancy layer cakes from a local bakery. Ooh! My only request had been for a lemon flavored cake.  There were two lemon cakes!  And a chocolate cake, a vanilla bean cake, and a latte cake.  I think I only missed the vanilla.  Lol!

I wasn't expecting anything but cake and fellowship, but there were gifts and a very nice send off speech from my division chief.  Naturally, I got a little teary.  But, I managed to clamp that shit down!  Jeez!  Don't want to go out on a watery note.  No Sally Fields moment for me!

So, that was Wednesday.  I had odds and ends to finish up on Thursday and Friday.  My office will be completely disassembled next week since another department is going to 'borrow' it for a few months while they undergo a remodel.  I hope my department gets the office back!  If not, the doctors in my division won't have an onsite support presence.  So.  Yes.  Hmm.  I'm drawing a breath now, and letting it out.  And, yes, all of that is none of my concern now.  Ha!

Anyway, the last two days were pleasant and low key with lots of hugs and heartfelt testimonials from coworkers and friends.  On Friday I had lunch with two of my favorite gals.  One is my birthday buddy, and we'll never lose touch.  But, I want to stay in contact with some of my now-former coworkers.  I handed out my email address to a number of people.  A very select number of people.  You know, you spend more awake time with your coworkers than with your family.  I hope you like some of them.  I've been lucky enough to have met some great people and maintained long friendships with quite a few coworkers.

So, after an uplifting and heart-warming send off, I called T from the bus as I was heading home.  She had called me earlier when I was in the middle of a conversation with three other people and couldn't talk with her.  Instead of congratulating me, she chose to be snippy and complain that I hadn't gotten right back to her.  Oh, for fuck's holy sake!  I'm close to done.

But, here's the thing.  I went home (caught the #70 at Lloyd Center!  Woot!) and I said, don't let this petty bullshit color your day.  And, I didn't!  I carried in my extra bag of gifts and last minute stuff from the office, kicked off my shoes, popped open the bubbly and took a glass outside to enjoy the afternoon/evening.  I had some celebratory texts and emails to respond to, and then I just relaxed and listened to the neighborhood unwinding (and had cake for dinner!).  It was incredibly restorative.  I could feel the tension draining out of my body.  In fact, I ended up being so emotionally and physically exhausted that I went to bed just before 9 pm.  I needed it!

This morning, I am still feeling pretty danged good.  I suspect that the first week will feel like the average summer 'vacation', and I'll be ready to go back to work on the following Monday.  But, I will create a schedule or a structure to my day and hold to that until I leave behind the automatic work pattern.

It will take me a while to settle into the new reality, but I am looking forward to exploring just how that evolves.  Stay tuned here, friends, I hope to be more regular with blog posts.  Gonna up my blog fiber!  Hahahaha....  sorry!

Ok, I'm having cake and champagne again (after a lunch of kahlua pork and rice).  I'm heading out to the porch to watch the world go by.  After a bit, I'll get back to work, uh, play.  Whatever!

December Update

Hello, Friends!

Well, I did it.  I completed NaNoWriMo!  It was a struggle, of course, to get 50,000 cohesive words written in 30 days, but it was fun.  Some days were amazing!  Some days the characters took over and told their stories and I was just the fingers on the keyboard.  Some days… not so much.  The story is one I started telling my daughter when she was little.  It’s about a brave girl who sees that something is wrong in the world and sets out to fix it.  Some of the characters are clearly family members of ours (including me and Zoe), but most of it is purely imagination.  I haven’t actually finished the story, however, because 50,000 words were not enough.  Well, it may end up being about that length after editing, but the story itself isn’t finished yet.  I will continue working on this project though because it was interesting, fun, and (mostly) a pleasure to write.

During the last week of the month, I came down with a wretched cold.  A cold so bad that I had to miss work, which I rarely do.  It is still lingering with a yucky head full of snot and a deep, phlegmy cough.  Gross.  We had to push our Thanksgiving dinner back a day because I was just too tired to prepare anything.  Zoe and Rob came down and it was great to have the help in the kitchen (Zoe, not Rob, obvs).  We had seven people for dinner.  My dad and the local (crazy) brother came and my brother brought a friend.  Which was a surprise!  My dad called about 15 minutes before they came over to let me know.  Hey, thanks for the heads up!  It was fine, of course, but I did have to set an extra place and rearrange some of the dishes and linens.  I have six matching plates but I didn’t want her to feel like she was crashing the party so I mixed them all up.  Oh, the trials and tribulations, right?  Ha!

Besides me coming down with the cold, T picked up a stomach bug from her mother.  The day before Thanksgiving, her mom had to go to the hospital for rehydration, and thankfully T was not quite that bad.  But, on Friday, T was up all night puking and was weak and shaky the next day.  Naturally, I was afraid that it was food poisoning, but no one else got sick so I’m pretty sure it was the bug that her mom had and not my cooking.

While I was sick, I was too tired to even read your blogs.  I’m sorry!  I have been catching up little by little and hope to add my two cents by the end of the week.

That winter holiday is fast approaching.  You know, the Solstice.  The return of the light.  And the other quasi-religious one that superseded it.  We haven’t done any decorating yet, but the niece is coming over this weekend and I think we’ll get some lights strung up outside and maybe even put up a tree.  It could happen!  Can you believe that it’s December already?!?!  Wow.   

I will add one more thing, which is work related.  Did I mention that we had hired an awesome gal to fill that open position?  Well, three weeks into the job she gave her notice.  Said it just wasn’t the right fit for her.  Sigh.  So, I’m back to interviewing applicants.  The only ray of sunshine on that front is that the gal who left the job a year ago to go back to school is between programs right now and called to ask if we needed any help.  YAY!  We were able to hire her back as a temp and that has taken a lot of pressure off the rest of the staff, myself included.  Super thankful for that, o blessed Universe!

Ok, I guess that’s all the updating I’ve got for the moment.  Thanks for reading!  Have a lovely day, all of you lovely people… 

Affectionately yours,

e

Life, work, ptsd and other stuff

So, long time no posting, yeah?  Sorry about that.  As you know, I have been in a funk.  And, to add to it, I have been plagued by PTSD triggers as well lately.  I’m back to a weekly schedule with my therapist, and we are digging down into some subterranean layers.  Ugh.  It’s not pretty.  But, I’m hopeful that with more time and examination things will settle down.

I’m actively working on being compassionate to my younger self.  Instead of beating her up about things she did or didn’t do, I’m realizing that she did her best.  (No, I don’t usually refer to myself in the third person!)  My mother used to say, “God gave me this puny body and I do the best I can with what I got.”  It’s a quote from something, but I don’t know what.  And, I did do the best I could at the time.  And I’m trying to not give more weight to what I didn’t do, or what I see now as what I should have done, but instead to realize that I did my best.  Does that make sense?  Hindsight, you know, can tie you up in knots.

So, that’s where I am right now.  It’s not exactly a happy place.  But, in the end it may lead to greater happiness, thus my willingness to go there.  But still, yuck.

Besides that, what else is going on?

Pride!  Portland Pride was last weekend.  We went to a variety of fun events and had a good time overall.  I will say that my gf spent the majority of the parade in the bar with her friends while I was out in the sunshine watching the extravaganza.  I didn’t care.  I got to feel slightly superior in that they seemed like a bunch of drunks while I felt pretty darned virtuous, but I shouldn’t really mention that because it makes me sound like a stuck up prude or something.  I scored big on parade swag, though!  Go me!

Work trudges on, seemingly endlessly.  This is the big academic and fiscal year turnover right now so we are busy as all get out.  We are also short-handed.  We had hired a gal in February who most definitely did not work out and we let her go in April.  Still waiting to get permission to fill that position.  That means that the rest of us are working extra hard.  And, boy oh boy, did I ever screw up.  We have half a dozen incoming fellows who I got credentialed and enrolled but forgot to hire!  Holy crap!  I’m scrambling now.  Might just pull off a Hail Mary on this one, but we’ll see.  Plus one of them is coming a week earlier – a fact that the program director didn’t tell me about.  Sigh.

My brother and his family arrived last night for their yearly visit.  I’m always glad to see them, but I wish they weren’t here during my busiest week!  Still, I get to hang out with my sister-in-law and she is all kinds of awesome.  Unfortunately, the Kid is not coming down for the weekend.  She and her man have a house guest at the same time.  Argh!

In three weeks we are going camping with our favorite neighbors.  It’s trailer camping, people, don’t get too excited.  They have a fancy, newish trailer and we have our darling little vin tage trailer.  We’re going to a spot on the Clackamas River.  It’s close to Portland but out in the woods.  The neighbors are bringing their folding boat.  I don’t know anything else about that but … folding boat … sounds intriguing.  I’ll let you know!

We plan on doing some fishing while we are there.  The Clackamas is well stocked and has native salmon and trout as well.  OH!  We bought a smoker!  For, you know, smoked fish.  We’ve used it a few times and it is fan-freaking-tastic!  I can’t wait to catch some of the slippery little buggers and take them home for smoking.  Yum.  My big plan is to drive out to the coast when the season is on, and buy a whole tuna when the charter boats come in.  Have you ever had smoked tuna?  So.Damned.Good.  SO GOOD!  Better even than smoked salmon, and I am a salmon lover.  Try it!  Just sayin’.

Been riding my bike when the weather permits.  We’ll have a solid week of tolerable weather and everyone gets all excited and then the clouds and the rain come back.  I’m not really complaining, just commenting.  I do love to ride my bike, though, and it is so much faster than taking the bus.  I won’t knock the bus too badly – I get some great reading time when I’m on the bus and that makes up for the loss of the bike ride.

Looking forward to canning season.  I've just about finished up or given away all of last summer's jam.  I have to say - I'm good at jam.  And, I get so much pleasure out of it.  I love making jam and I love eating jam.  I also love sharing jam.  I'm the kind of person who, if you tell me that you love my jam, you will never run out.  I always make way too much, at least, too much for one household, but that just means that I get to share a lot.  And that makes me happy.

There’s probably loads more I could jot down, but I’m at work and I think you know how busy it is round here.  I’d better get back to it.  Have a lovely weekend, all.  Happy Pride!

e

Bittersweet

She who hasn’t tasted the bitter, doesn’t understand the sweet.

Or something like that.

I’m sure you’ve read or heard that one before, I certainly have.  It kept running through my mind last Sunday, Mother’s Day. 

Sweet, yes, because my daughter drove down for a quick visit.  It is always a welcome and restorative occasion when the Kid comes for a visit.  Her leaving can send me into a minor tailspin, but not so much that I don’t want her to visit.

Bitter, because Mother’s Day without your mother is sad.   It just is.  I miss my mom.  I felt so aggrieved and sorry for myself with all of the FB postings of friends getting together with their moms.  Jealous.  Pitiful.  Orphaned.  I did post something about missing my mom, and several people agreed and commiserated.  And, I reached out to a friend whose mother died more recently than mine and let her know that I was thinking about her.  But, still… 

It’s now the Wednesday after Mother’s Day and I should have bounced back by now.  But, it’s gray and rainy and my job is a mess and my apathy is growing exponentially.  I don’t know if I need to give myself a stern talking-to or let myself wallow in the emotions.  Well, I’m not really wallowing.  But I’m not trying to dig myself out, either.  Somewhere in the middle, I guess. 

Last week, my therapist suggested that we start working on a big issue that I have been avoiding.  The issue of self worth, of the yardsticks I use to measure myself by, of my persistent belief that I have achieved nothing of worth or value, of my certainty that I am a disappointment to my self and family.  I have no way to reframe those judgments in my mind.  I look at myself and my life and see nothing of note, nothing worth writing home about. 

I guess it’s time to work on that.  It also feels bittersweet – or maybe just bitter.

My apologies for such negativity; I’m feeling down today.  Probably not the best time to be posting…

I'm Back!

Dear Friends,

It’s been a while, I know.  A matter of months, right?  Well, I’m back.  Mostly. 

I took the time away from reportage to challenge myself to a math course at Portland State University.  I’ve learned some important things!  Like, the slope-intercept formula… good fun, that one!  I can graph a line like a mad woman now.  But, more importantly, I’ve learned this: Math makes me grouchy.

Not disgruntled, not out of sorts, not even really grouchy… I should probably say that Math Pisses Me Off.  Oh, it’s not Math’s fault; it’s not really a fault thing at all.  I should be, and am, irritated with myself for forgetting all of this hard-earned knowledge in the first place.  But, apparently I needed to subject myself to the torture of an 8am, twice a week class with loads of homework (thankfully we’re on the quarter system and not semesters) to really grasp the fact that my aspirations do not lie down the academic path I had envisioned.

All of that being said, I could not spare a single moment to keep you all updated on this hare-brained scheme.  Besides the lack of blogging, I haven’t read a book for pleasure in all this time!  I’m catching up, though.  I’ve read two since the final exam.  Enjoyed the hell out of them, too!*  But, now that I have come to my senses and put aside the notion that I was pursuing, I should be able to get back on the blogging horse and ride, baby, ride!

I would also like to say thank you to those of you who have emailed or messaged me to say, What’s up?  I appreciate that so much!  I’m still around, even though I haven’t even had the time to read your blogs much…  I have some catching up to do.

I also have to do some reevaluating of my plans.  I still want to build my lovely mechanical contraptions but I’ll just have to go about it in a different way. 

There may also be more courses at the University.  I might need to take a nice Literature class to get the bad mathematical taste out of my mouth.  I need to remind myself that I am good at something, dammit!  I was an Honor student, for crying out loud!

I’m not sure what I am doing next, but I’ll keep you posted.

Cheers!

*Monkey Mind, A memoir of anxiety. By Daniel Smith

and,

Mr Penumbra’s 24 Hour Bookstore, by Robin Sloan

Enjoyed them both!

Not much, you?

Because I have a few minutes, I thought I'd bore you with some of the trivial thoughts that drift through my largely vacant head.

• Weight watchers: I have lost something like 12 pounds.  It's taken over 5 months, but at least it continues to go in the right direction.  The good thing is this: I'm not hungry ALL THE TIME, as I was at first.  Plus, with their program, one can eat all the fruit one wants and hey, during summer what else does one want but fresh, local fruit.  I like that.

• Related to losing weight, my workout buddy and I can't understand WHY, since we work out HARD three times a week and ride our bikes to work virtually everyday, why aren't we thin???  It's just not right.  Not fair.  It's frustrating.

• I have cut waaaay back on the alcohol intake.  (Yes, I realize that I am still on practically the same subject.)  So, a couple of weeks ago I had a super shitty day and drank more than I should have.  OK, actually it was my mom's birthday and I was really sad and really missing her and I didn't set out to drink too much, it just went that way.  And, truthfully, I wasn't plastered, I wasn't rip roaring drunk... just a little over the line.  But, the abyss opened before me at some point and I just managed to avoid plunging headlong into the void.  Since then, I just have not been interested in having a drink. Well, ok, we had a couple of beers at the softball tournament.  And, I had a pint of cider when we went out to dinner last week.  But, other than that, it's been a tall glass of ice water with a splash of tart cherry juice in the evening.  And it feels right.

• Speaking of the softball tournament, that was last weekend ~ which happened to be the hottest weekend in three years.  It was 105 degrees!  Here!  In the damp and chilly PNW.  I pitied the players.  We were only there to watch and cheer them on.  We didn't do too much cheering on; Miss ADD (yes, that would be T, my irksome partner) got bored and antsy and we left after one damned game.  Our friends were disappointed, as I was, but what can you do?

• And, last but not least, JAM!  I have been making jam like a maniac!  All of the fresh fruit that is available at the Farmer's Market, and all of the berries from our garden are being jarred up.  Last year I froze pounds and pounds of berries and made many jars of sour cherry jam.  This year I have just made jam.  Raspberry, blueberry, tayberry, strawberry, apricot, peach, and loads of sour cherry.  There might be another variety, I can't think of it right now though.  T and I have made eight jars of dill pickles and I just bought four and a half pounds more of pickling cukes for another batch.  This makes me happy.

So that's it for today, my friends.  Not much to say, but I'm sharing it anyway.  

This year things will be better

They have to be, right?

I have been doing a whole lotta thinking of late, naturally.  About things like longevity and mortality and, you know, the meaning of life.  Just the average thoughts that come up when one's mother dies and then the New Year rolls around.

For the short term, I have a couple of resolutions.  Or, perhaps I'll call them adjustments.  They are simple and achievable, and oh-so-average.  That's ok, though, because we all want to do these things and collectively we can encourage each other.  They are:

• Get back to a regular work out schedule and ride my bike as often as the weather permits.  I worked out regularly last year until my mum got sick.  And, I rode my bike even when I didn't have the time to make it to the gym.  That is, I rode until the weather got too crappy and until I had to start going over to the parent's house in the evening as well as the morning.  There just wasn't enough time at that point. So, without regular exercise... let's just say that my pants are uncomfortably tight right now and I don't like it.
• Reduce alcohol consumption to weekends only (with a caveat for special occasions).  Last year T and I went teetotal for the month of January and weekends only for the month of February.  After that our imbibition gradually crept up until we were drinking every day after work and all day long on the weekends.  That's just too much.  For one thing, it's a lot of empty calories.  For another thing, I don't like to feel that I need a drink.  I want to drink because I enjoy the taste or the fizziness of the bubbles not because I had a rough day at the office.  T is not joining me this year (which bugs me just a little) but so far so good.  I've actually been enjoying our delicious tap water and really feeling good about preserving my liver rather than pickling it.
• Increase my time spent meditating.  I feel quite strongly the need to spend more time with an inward focus.  I may need to rearrange some physical spaces in my house to make this possible, but that's easily done.  The harder part of it is dedicating the time and encouraging the other members of my household to leave me alone.

Just those three adjustments for 2012.  There is one that fell by the wayside in 2011 that I would like to get back to, but I'm not going to pressure myself over it.  That one was reducing the amount of *stuff* in my basement.  I was going to go through a box a week but I only did about 7 or so boxes.  I really would love to take a month off and take everything out of my basement, throw 3/4's of it away, build some shelves and storage and put the rest back in an orderly manner.  That would be a pleasure!  I'll work on saving up the time and resources for that, but in the meantime it wouldn't hurt to just get rid of stuff.

Besides these immediate adjustments, I have been spending some time thinking about what is important to me in the long term.  I would like to retire in 2 years and 5 months (yeah, you bet I'm counting) and in order to do that I need to be confident about my goals and directions.  I will not be able to stop working completely, but I would very much like to get off the 40 hour/week schedule.  That is a major goal.  

So, my priorities for the rest of my life are this:

• Make sure Zoe is safe and set up in some comfortable situation (as much as a parent can with an adult child)
• Spend time regularly with my Pop
• Work enough to make ends meet and have benefits
• Have time to ponder and to pursue interests

These are not unreachable, unrealistic goals, right?  I sorely need the time to ponder.  I need quiet and undisturbed time on a regular basis.  I would like to get my thoughts in order and write more and communicate better and for this I need to be able to sit and think... I'd also like more time to walk the dog and pet the cats.  

Those are my resolutions, adjustments, goals and plans.  What are yours?

A brief sketch of my parents

I wrote this down back in 1992 or 1993.  My daughter and I were living with my parents at the time in a lovely, large house in Portland.  Some friends of the family had just left after a weekend visit.

We are sitting on the front porch, Mum, Dad and me, discussing which friends and relatives of Janet and Al they had met.

Dad: "I'm thinking of that tall Russian or Slavic fellow who cooked."
Mum: "No, no.  That was Michael.  He wasn't really Russian, he just pretended to be."
Dad: "Well, he sure could cook.  I think he was queer."
Mum: "He wasn't queer - just swishy and posing.  He and I had a good hoohaw about French reductionism."

At this point I start laughing.  "What's so funny about that?" asks Mum, tolerantly amused.
"The idea of having a good hoohaw about French reductionism with bogus Russian queers is giving me a good hoohaw.  French reductionism!" says I.

We return to the discussion of other people's relatives.

Medication issues

Ok, so, my mum takes a whole lotta pills.  And, until recently, they were doing their job of keeping her comfortable.  Last week however, we mentioned that she is in some pain when she wakes up.  The nurse thought that she should switch to a pain pill that would last through the night so that she would still be comfortable when she awoke.  Good idea.  Wrong pill.

They prescribed morphine tablets, which apparently work for lots of people.  My mum, who takes handfulls of vicodin and flexeril and other stuff every day, is quite susceptible to the effects of morphine.  We found this out the hard way.

My pop gave her the prescribed dose of two blue pills on Friday evening.  Then the prescribed dose of one blue pill on Saturday morning.  She slept 11 1/2 hours on Friday night, and she slept nearly the whole time I was there on Saturday morning and was pretty groggy the rest of the day.  On Saturday night Pop gave her half the recommended dose, just one blue pill.  She slept really well again.  On Sunday morning he broke a pill in half and gave that to her.  At this point I said, let's not give her anymore!  Let's go back to the vicodin.  He spoke with the nurse on Sunday and she said yes, go back to the vicodin, give her some extra haldol to counteract the morphine and increase the steroid.  (Also, it turns out, you shouldn't break those morphine tablets in half.  They just work faster.)

Another consequence of the morphine was the loss of strength in her legs.  She is having a hell of a time standing and walking.  She has needed help getting up for a while now, but since this weekend she is so much weaker.

And, a consequence of the increase in the steroids is that old demon, 'roid rage.  Holy smokes!  My mother has always had a strong will.  When you mix that with steroids and anger at fate, well, you have a pretty potent old lady rage going on.  Since this weekend, I'm going over earlier in the mornings and going back at night to help my pop get her up and into bed.  It has been crazy.

One thing she insists on is spending a very long time on the toilet.  This became a problem when she had been there for 3 hours and refused to get up.  Yes, three hours on the pot.  I arrived at 9am, as usual, and my pop said that she had been there since 6.  He couldn't wrestle her up by himself and every time he tried she told him no.  Well, he's a good husband, and when his wife says no, he listens to her.  I said this is ridiculous and she can't stay on the toilet for three hours. Her feet were like ice!  Cold!  Circulation cut off!  I said we were getting her up and that there would be no arguing about it.  We decided who would lift where and on the count of three up she would come.  This whole time she was saying NO!  I said, Yes!  We started to lift her and she said, "No, stop, put me down!"  And, dammit, my pop started to lower her back down!  I said, Pop, No, we HAVE TO GET HER OUT OF HERE!  Well, we did.  And she was mad.  And this keeps happening.  In fact, yesterday, after we got her to the living room, she looked at me and said, "Don't you have somewhere else to go?"

You gotta laugh.  It's the only choice.  I know it's the drugs talking.  At times, though, all I can think is, good thing her short term memory is gone... she won't remember the next day how mad she was.

This morning we switched her old comfortable leather chair for a firmer, higher wing back chair.  And, tonight when I leave work, I'm headed to the store to buy one of those elevated toilet seat things.  And then I'll go over to their house and put it on and give her 10 minutes on the pot.  Then she's up and out and into bed.  I can be strong willed too...

I think I did the right thing...

I think I did the right thing today.  I’m pretty sure I did.  I feel a little ambivalent about it though.

Earlier this year, I decided to initiate some changes at my place of employment.  My goal was to oust my almost non-existent manager and take his place.  I am the second in command in our group, after this manager whom we share with another department. 

Today I met with our accountant and one of the other women in the group.  I recommended this other woman for management over myself.  I believe that she will do a better job than I.  I have a definite skill set, and am really quite good at the things I do, but I think M will make a better manager.  Not in the people skills area, because I excel at that, but on the business side of the business.  M has great skills in things like contract negotiation, super attention to detail, organization and coordination of effort… you know, businessy business.  I’m better at people and words and schmoozing.  And, she will need me to schmooze this position into existence.

The other part of the equation is related to time and age.  M is younger than I am, by at least 15 years.  Add to that the fact that I intend to retire* in three years, and I’d rather have her jump through the hoops.  I will help her in any way I can, and will put my effort into helping her create the position, but after considerable consideration I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want the job.

The ambivalence comes in, I guess, because I have been doing the job of the manager for quite a few years and have not been adequately compensated for it.  I have spent a lot of time and energy making our department better.  I have assembled a team of outstanding employees.  I have eliminated redundancies, streamlined processes, fitted the right person with the right tasks, and generally kept things both efficient and serene.  I’ve been the manager.  I’ve just never been paid to be the manager.  I would have liked to have had the salary.

Overall, I believe that it is the right decision.

*I say 'retire' but in fact it will be a big shift.  I’ll be 55, I’ll have 20 years into the retirement system, but I won’t get enough money to live on.  I’ll have to continue to work but I am looking forward to doing some work that interests me, and preferably part time.  The funny thing is, yesterday, in the early morning fitness class that I take, the head of my martial art school, upon hearing that I would retire in three years, said that she would love to hire me to be her administrator.  So, already things are realigning to this new idea.  

That makes me happy.

A Random Update from My Crazy Life

Good: I’ve been riding my bike to work for the past few weeks. It feels so good! I got a new bike for my birthday (thanks baby!) and it is such a pleasure to ride. My route is about 5 miles long, across the river and through downtown. Portland is a pretty good place for bicyclists. There are lots of bike lanes and by and large drivers are pretty aware of bikes.

Predictable: Just when things are starting to settle down from the academic/fiscal year turnover, BAM! A new, giant project drops in my lap. One I’m not excited about. I may push it off on one of my staff…

Undecided: It’s looking more and more like my girlfriend’s niece will be moving in with us. She is spending a few days with us right now and discussions are continuing with all the adults in the family over whether or not she should move. I’m ambivalent about the whole thing, truth be told, because we would be giving up a lot of the easy parts of our daily life. We have talked about it a lot and I have told T that she is going to have to be the primary parent. She is going to have to sit down with the girl every day after school and help her with her homework. She’ll have to do the majority of the parent/teacher stuff. She’ll have to be the responsible one. Of course, I will be helping and contributing as well, but she will have to be in the driver’s seat.

We’ve had her at the house for the weekend and I’m already exhausted just by having to interact with another individual. We’ll adjust, of course, but it’s not going to be easy. Good thing she’s a pretty darned good kid. Issues, yes, but overall pretty good. I know that we will be doing a good thing by having her come and live with us, but it’ll be four years of parenting to get her through high school. Sigh.

This is why I like my job

Sometimes, I see the better side of people instead of the worse. Today, I was walking down a corridor and passed a mom, grandma and young toddler. The toddler was fussy and wanted to be carried. The mom reached down and picked her up. Then the youngster wanted down. Up, down, up, down. Finally, to distract the kiddo, the mom and the grandma started singing “She’ll be coming round the mountain” at full volume with the little girl chiming in. Mind you, we’re in a public hallway connecting a couple of big hospital wards. Most people walking by just ignored them and carried on with their business.

It made me smile. And sing.