THEY ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Partly, I think, it was the way I was raised.  My parents didn’t fight much and never in front of us kids.  They may have been tense around us occasionally, but there was never shouting, or even bickering for that matter. 

And, then I was married to a crazy man for several years and learned more than I ever should have about fighting.  And running.

So, to me, when there is shouting and slamming of doors and attitude and petulance and throwing things and bad behavior; to me, it signals the end.  It means that we are on that one way path to goodbye.

Mind you, this was between T and the teenager.  I can’t blame it all on the teenager, either.  But, it’s her family and she is surely used to the way they are by now.  I’m the innocent bystander in this latest round of family drama. 

I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of their family histrionics.  I’m tired of it affecting my life.

I’m being supportive of my partner, and attempting to help her get this kid through her freshman year of high school.  And, when the kid misbehaves and drama ensues, I am being supportive of my partner by explaining things like consequences.  Behavior X results in Consequence X.  A parent must be consistent and reasonable in addressing behavior.  Tell her what the consequence of her behavior is and then stick to it.  Once the kid has chosen to behave badly there is no room for negotiation. 

T is just at the beginning of this rough voyage through parental waters.  I hope her ship doesn’t capsize.  I hope I don’t throw them both overboard.  I have been tempted.

Teenagers. Go figure.

Come Monday it all turned around. I don’t know if she still wants to move back to Gramma’s house, but her sullen attitude has disappeared and she is back to her good natured self. That’s a relief. I wasn’t looking forward to kicking her and T out of the house. Much.

Reversal

Well, after busting our butts to make everything work out for the niece, she wants to move back to Gramma’s house. Sheesh.

She spent the weekend with her grandmother, T’s mom. On Friday afternoon she didn’t want to go at all. But, her granny misses her and we were going out on Saturday night, and it just seemed like a good time to have her spend the weekend over there. So, even though she was dragging her feet, she was hauled over the river for the weekend.

When we picked her up yesterday afternoon, wow, did we ever get the attitude! We walked in the door, she glared at us and said, “I’m not ready.” Ok. Fine. Finish what you are doing and we’ll go when you are ready.

Gramma had treated her like visiting royalty, apparently. Bought her new outfits, took her for a haircut, let her skip church, basically let her do whatever she wanted. I know that since she has grown up there, Gramma’s house is her comfort zone. But, Gramma was on her best behavior and not treating her like she ordinarily does. Ordinary is bossing her around but never letting her make a decision; lots of yelling but very little communication; never going anywhere but Walmart (unless it’s Costco). Gramma also sent her home with bags of junk food ~ a giant box of pop tarts, a giant bag of candy corn, bags of chips. We are not starving the girl by any stretch, but we don’t keep candy or pop tarts in the house and chips are a treat, not a staple.

She is also extremely good at manipulating Gramma and her dad and brother. She is smarter than her dad and brother and knows it and runs them pretty mercilessly. And, since Grandma is nearly deaf, A sasses her all the time and Gramma can’t hear it.

She has also decided that the mainstream classes she fought to get into are too hard and she doesn’t want to go anymore.

So, we head back to the house and she is silent the whole way. Comes in the house, picks up the laptop and marches straight up to her room. Won’t exchange a word with us. T goes up to her room to talk to her and it’s the typical pulling of teeth to get anything from her. Then, the usual method of handling any conflict in their family begins. T calls her sister, and then calls her mom. Mom says, don’t get your sister involved. T calls her sister back and says let’s leave it alone for right now. T goes upstairs to talk to A. Calls back her sister. Her sister then calls the teenager. Round and round and round.

And me? I’m watching football. I don’t care about the Jets or the Dolphins but I’ll find anything engrossing enough to stay out of that mess.

I leave for work before A gets up, so I don’t know how the morning went. I’m sure I’ll get an earful this afternoon, though.

Remind me; why are we doing this?

What's new?

What’s new with me, you ask? Well, pull up a chair!

My mom is having a skin cancer removed today. I’m waiting anxiously to hear how it goes. Of course, the lab work won’t be done for several days and as we all know, the waiting is the hardest part. I’m actually nervous as hell, because she survived breast cancer a dozen years ago but still smokes. Stubborn old thing. I’m holding the good thought.

Last weekend I completed my apprenticeship as a self defense instructor. Yay! Whew! I am so glad that is done! It’s been a long two years, but I finished. So, what happens now? I continue teaching self defense, but now I get paid for it. There isn’t enough work for me to quit my day job, but my long term plan is to reduce my job to part time and teach self defense on the other days. We’ll see how that will play out.

My partner’s niece is moving in with us next week. I am deeply ambivalent about this, but on balance I know it’s the right thing to do. Still, what middle aged, retired-from-parenting, hard working, busy, menopausal woman would be jumping for joy over this? The girl has been living with her grandmother (T’s mom) for over ten years and while she was young it was an acceptable arrangement. Now that she is an adolescent, however, it’s not working. Grandma is tired and cranky. She is also nearly completely deaf. Oh my god, the shouting at their house! I can’t stand it. They are all loud talkers anyway, but now that their mom’s hearing has gone, it is just too damned loud.

Angela is fifteen and starting as a freshman this year. She is one year behind her peers chronologically, but many years behind academically. She definitely has a learning disability and has been in special ed for the last few years, but I have to disagree with the diagnosis on her IEP. They have labeled her as mentally retarded, but I think she needs to be retested. We have an appointment next week with the school counselor and will be able to ask all the questions then. She is currently reading the fourth Twilight book, so she isn’t “typically” mentally retarded.

It’s been a fair amount of work getting ready for her to move in. I’m giving up my sewing room/guest room. I took a week off work to clear it out and sort through stuff and I need another week to deal with it all. I didn’t realize we had so many blankets and pillows! The homeless shelters will be getting extra bedding from us. All of the other stuff is going to charity. Some things went to the basement to spend the next four years.

It’s just a lot of change. We’ll manage, of course, but the selfish part of me wants to say NO. I’m overriding that part and doing the right thing, but I’m still ambivalent about it.