Home again, home again, jiggity jig

Hey there!  Long time no read!  How is everyone?  I haven't had a chance yet to catch up on all of your blogs so...  yes, woefully out of date. 

I've spent the last three weeks at my friend's sheep ranch in central California.  It's in the Sierra foothills, which sounds picturesque and idyllic, doesn't it?  And, while the golden rolling hills and majestic oak groves are certainly beautiful, the place is like an oven.  Her ranch is not high enough into the foothills to have the cool mountain air moderate the valley temperatures.  Fortunately, I missed the triple digit temps, but when the mercury hits the high 90's, it's just plain hot.  I spent some time cowering in any shade I could find, even the slender shadow of a fence post if that was the only thing available.  I am such a wimp!  I just can't take the high temps.

Tam had some projects that she was hoping I could help with.  We only got started on one by the time I had to return home.  I felt like I failed her, but she is totally energized and says that my visit was the best thing to happen in a long while.  She is moving ahead strongly with all sorts of plans.  Good!  Maybe I was just the catalyst.  I know that what I really brought her was someone to talk with, a friendly sounding board, someone to do chores with and lighten the load a little... small, in my eyes, but apparently enough that she felt like she had a break.

Make no mistake, friends, there was no break!  Ranch life is unrelenting hard work.  No, we were not riding around on horses rounding up the herd (although I have lived that life as well.)  We were feeding hay (and grain and pellets), moving sheep from corral to pasture, weighing the ones that are going to market, trimming hooves, applying bug juice, deworming, all the thousands of things that go on daily.  Mostly feeding.  She feeds a little under a ton of hay per day.  Each and every bale moved by a middle-aged woman with back problems!  Plus, there are no days off.  The animals have to be fed twice a day regardless of the calendar.  I'm only telling you this because so many people have unrealistic ideas about ranch life.  The reality is hot, dusty, fly-ridden days that extended way past the time regular folks are at home having dinner and are going to bed. 

My main purpose in spending time down there was to be supportive of my friend.  This I did accomplish!  Another purpose was to see how she felt about a change in her life.  Her mom has dementia (and a hoarding problem) and can no longer run the ranch.  Truth be told, she never ran it well.  Tam has given up her career as a regulatory veterinarian to come home and take care of it all.  But, maybe she doesn't want to do that any more.  I wanted to give her the chance to think about doing something else.  She had been contemplating selling the place, and is giving more thought to that.  Not that I want to be responsible for encouraging someone to give up their way of life, but this life is killing my friend.  She can't do it alone and no one wants to work in agriculture.  It's very hard to find ranch help now.  Am I being political?  Only a little.  Mostly just reporting the reality.

So, now I'm home in the cool, damp PNW.  I was in that oven just long enough for my internal thermostat to start to reset, so when I got home I felt quite chilly!  Well, it's definitely Autumn here and Summer is still holding on to the south.  I've had to crank up the furnace, and I was wearing a hat and scarf in the house the other night!  Brr...  Come on, body, recalibrate to the Pacific Northwest! 

Did I tell you about my housesitter?  No?  I had asked a friend of T's if she would stay at my place while I was out of town.  She is currently between places and staying with her sister, so it sounded like a good fit.  She said she would, and I thought I was set.  Then, about 3 days before I was to leave, she posted on FB that she was moving to So Cal that weekend!  I was at T's house at the time and I said, wait a minute she was going to housesit for me!  T texted her and asked and the friend said that she had never committed to house/pet sitting for me.  Bullshit!  I would have been searching for someone if I thought that.  Crap!  So, I had to scramble.  I asked a friend of mine who I often dog sit for if she could step in.  It's a big ask - 3 weeks is a long stay.  But, this friend lives in a one bedroom apartment with her two adult sons so I thought it might be nice for her to bring her dog and stay here.  She said she could.  She came, she brought her dog, all was well.  And then, while I was in Cali, she texted me and said that she got a puppy.  A puppy.  At my house.  Ummm...  WHAT?!?  Who does that?  Who brings a puppy into someone else's house?  Apparently Patty does that.  Holy Hey Zeus!  The house was 'febreezed' but not clean when I got home.  Which, whatever.  I'd be cleaning it anyway, but just knowing that my entire house had been piddled on was irritating.  But, the house was still standing and the cat was alive, so what am I complaining about, right?  Still...

Anyway, I'm back.  I'll be making an effort to catch up on your blogs, but it might take a little time.  Oh, and I never finished my travelogue!  I'll put it on the list.

Cheers, women!

THE COUNTDOWN!

Ok, people!  This is it!  My last week!

I had to go in on Monday, which is usually my work from home day.  So many things to do!  We are interviewing a late applicant for our fellowship program, and I had hoped to escape without doing any more of that.  Ha!

One of my coworkers (my favorite, in truth), texted me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go out for celebratory drinks on Wednesday.  The great part of this is that she is planning to drive to work that day and will give me a ride home.  That's a gift!  And, if I have anything else to schlep home, that would be the day.

It still seems unreal.  I've been employed here for over 23 years.  That's rare in this day.  The generation after me doesn't stay in a position for more than 5 years, I'd say.  I'm an anachronism, for sure!

Still stressed about health insurance, still sending up a prayer to the Goddess that Obama-care will hang on a while longer.  My senators are fighting like cornered badgers to keep it.  Stay strong!  Or, for me, Stay Healthy!

Well, I'm going to go make my lunch, put on my shoes, and walk to the bus.  Four more days.

Monday on Tuesday

The first Monday of my new schedule was yesterday.  Hooray!  Hooray for .8 fte! The corresponding decrease in income may not elicit such a glad and gleeful response, but we'll wait and see.

So, what did I do with my glorious first Monday?  First, and this is important, I got up early and escorted my partner to her new job.  Her new job with BENEFITS!  What a relief!  I have been providing the benefits for years and since I am going to part time they will cost a lot more for dependents.  So, she needed to get a job with her own benefits and she did.  Whew!

But, you may be wondering, why did I escort her to her new job?  She's a big girl, not a child going to kindergarten.  The thing of it is, now she has to take public transportation.  She has only taken the bus or light rail when I insisted that we use it to go downtown during a heavily attended event.  She has a small town girl's fear of many 'big city' things.  I know, I know, Portland is hardly a big city!  But, she is from a distant, rural suburb (or even exurb) and has simply had no experience.  Plus, her family!  Good god, what a bunch of yokels!  When she was explaining that she would be taking the train in to work, they all suggested that she get a new can of mace or pepper spray.  I laughed out loud at them.  On purpose.  I reminded them that I had been taking the bus and train from my neighborhood for over 20 years and had never had an 'incident'.  Is there crime in Portland?  Of course.  Of course there is, but we hardly qualify as a crime hotspot.  Can crime happen anywhere?  Of course it can, but statistically speaking, it's pretty safe here.  So, she made it work and she made it home from work.  Good.  That's one hurdle down.

The rest of the day went like this:
1. Read some blogs.
2. Look at FB.
3. Have lunch.
4. Actually do stuff!

I wanted to rearrange my sewing room.  It's actually my project room, but since I have the sewing table out, that's what I am calling it.  I needed to move a double bed mattress and box spring out of that room and into the box room.  That meant that I first needed to rearrange the box room so that there was space to store the bed.  It was a bit of a jigsaw puzzle getting things to fit, but I managed it.  I really need to pull everything out of the box room, sort it all, and create some sensible storage solutions.  But, not this week.

I got that done, and then found the perfect fabric to make a tablet cover for T's new toy.    It turned out so well!  I'm pleased with it.  All I need now is a velcro fastener and it's done.  Let me see if I can post a picture.

It is lined with a piece of sham-wow... some kind of cleaning cloth.  It's fairly padded and it cleans the glass while in the bag!  I like it!


Today, though, is Tuesday.  I'm still at home.  Not because I'm having fun doing stuff but because I'm sick.  Dammit!  I've had a run of sinus trouble, due to the wildly shifting barometric pressures I'm sure.  Now it's gone into my chest and I have a deep, phlegmy cough.  And still the sinus junk. Gross.  I woke up with a pounding headache and a racking cough and thought that I would not subject my coworkers to that.  So here's me today:

Yikes!  Why am I showing you this?!?!?  Actually, it doesn't show the mountain of used tissue, the cup of hot water with lemon and honey, or the blanket pulled up high.

Oh, hey!  I got new glasses!

Ok, I'd better stop.  I'm obviously just blathering on at this point...
Cheers!

Winter Dark-Thirty

I don’t mind getting up early.  In fact, if I had my druthers, I would get up at sunrise most days.  In the summer, it’s easy.  The sun brilliant and the sky bright, birds singing, the dawn calls to me.  In the winter, I would also like to get up at sunrise, except that sunrise is late.  Late for the workers, anyway.  Today it was at 7:46.  I wouldn’t mind lazing in bed until 7:46!

In my region, in winter (who am I kidding; fall, winter and spring) the sky is often cloudy.  The cloud cover sits like a bowl inverted over the city.  Sometimes it is a monotone of gray, but most of the time there is texture to the clouds. 

Frequently, the cloud cover does not reach all the way to the horizon.  It hovers above us, allowing a thin band of clear sky to be seen if one is not surrounded by buildings or forests.  At dawn and sunset there may be bold diagonal beams of light lancing across the city.  It is spectacular.  It only lasts a few minutes, and then the sun is hidden again and the light dims to the normal setting.

Some years ago I was given a dawn simulator alarm clock.  What a wonderful device!  I’ve written about it before.  I haven’t been using it lately because I am sleeping in a different bedroom and haven’t bothered to move it.  Instead, I have an irritating beepbeepbeep electronic alarm clock that I can’t stand.  I think I will switch these out this weekend.  I need my cheerful light.  The lamp is key to getting up in the winter and not feeling a dragging depression.

What about you?  Are you an early riser by nature or more of a night owl?

December and NaNoWriMo

Another November and another NaNoWriMo is in the books.  Whew!  I fell behind in the middle of the month and had to really push myself to catch up and finish.  But, I did.  Well, I should amend that statement.  I wrote 50,000 words, but I didn’t finish the story.  Does that sound familiar?  It should.  It’s the same as last year. 

This is my third NaNo.  The first year I wrote a memoir about my mom.  I needed a way to make sense of my loss, and words are my go to method of deciphering life.  Also, I wanted to get things written down so that I wouldn’t forget and so that I could give them to my daughter (who loved her Grammy fiercely).  It’s a rambling, stream-of-consciousness, non-linear sprawl of words.  Mostly about my mom, sometimes about other family member, but always about our family.  I have tried to read over some of it in the two years since I wrote it, but it’s still too painful for me.  Some of the stories are funny, and I know that I will enjoy reading them when I am able.

The last two years, though, I have written children’s books.  Chapter books, mind you!  Well, I have started children’s books and have enough material and ideas to complete them… I just need more time.  That’s all!  More time!!!  That’s probably what everyone says.  But, since I am going to start working four days a week, maybe I’ll be able to devote that extra day to sitting in front of the computer and assembling words.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

The first novel was a stand alone story.  It was a bedtime story that I had started making up when Zoe was a very small child.  I never finished it during her childhood (sorry, Kid!), mostly because I was always exhausted and would fall asleep during the telling.  It changed a bit between the telling and the writing, but the core of the story remains the same.  I really like it!  Its theme is a classic one; the Hero’s Journey.  It has a young girl as the hero of the story, as is only right and proper since it was thought up for a young girl.

The second novel is pretty exciting for me.  The way it is structured, there is a definite possibility for sequels.  I spent some time in the world building mode, and there are lots of characters and I think that there could be further novels with the same cast of characters.  That’s exciting! 

So, that’s November’s effort done.  I have some other projects to complete – including a quilt for one of my best friends’ first grandchild (before she turns 1) – and I am really looking forward to working on things that are satisfying and pleasing to me.  And, as the NaNoWriMo folks say, November is for writing, December is for editing.  Well, first to finish the story, and then to edit.  I will get there!

Ketchup

Here’s a little catch up post:

• ·         The Seahawks won the Super Bowl!  But, you knew that already…  still, we’re happy!  My hair color is slowly washing out.  Still quite colorful, though!
• 
  
• ·         Remember the old dog we were fostering?  Angus?  He got adopted!  Amazingly, there were three different families that were interested in him and we had to let him go.  He is now living downtown in one of the swankiest neighborhoods in Portland.  He has a middle-aged dog buddy and two happy humans to keep him company.  We haven’t taken on another foster yet, but we will.
• 
  
• ·         I have filled the open support staff position (again) in my office and I am sending up a prayer that it is for the last time.   We’ll see.  Once she gets up to speed, I will be transferring some of my workload to her and scaling back on my hours.  I am so excited at the prospect of working less!
• 
  
• ·         A friend from childhood is coming to Portland on a college scouting trip with her son.  She asked if they could stay.  When we were talking about it, I thought the plan was for them to come on Friday and leave on Saturday.  So, I said yes.  Then she sent me her itinerary.  They are coming Thursday and leaving Monday.  Who does that?!  We haven’t seen each other for many, many years; I’ve never met her son; we have other plans…  yikes!  T is fuming, of course.  I mean, it’s a holiday weekend!  We had planned to sleep in!  We’ll see how this plays out.  There’s little chance that they will get a second invitation. (Am I being too grouchy? Not sure.)
• 
  
• ·         I’ve been enjoying the Olympics – despite Bob Costas’ eye issues.  But, just like every other time, I take issue with the broadcasting decisions.  Why do we only get to see the pretty people, or the sure winners, or just the Americans?  And, for crying out loud, why is NBC running infomercials on Saturday instead of showing non-stop games?!  Gah!!!  If only I were in charge of the broadcast!  We would see it ALL!
• 
  
• ·         The snow.  Ok, I hesitate to add this to the list since all of you live in places that get real winter weather and have been bludgeoned by it this winter.  BUT.  We had a snow storm in Portland that shut the city down.  It was crazy.  Kind of fun since it happens so seldom, but also kind of pathetic and aggravating.  The snow was followed by an ice storm just to add to the transportation woes, but we are all back at work now and the snow has melted.  At least throughout the metro area.  Hopefully we got lots in the mountains and it will last.  We don’t want to follow California into a drought.   I did get my cross country skis out and went around the block.  That was fun.  Then I went inside and watched the Olympians cross country skiing.  Nice juxtaposition, I though.  :-)

I think that’s it for now.  I’m trying to keep track of stuff and actually post the occasional update. 

Cheers, m’dears!

Oh Dear

Oh dear.

Time has flown, yet again.  Hey, did you know that the phrase ‘Tempus fugit’ doesn’t mean ‘Time flies’ but rather ‘Time flees’.  Still, I learned in university that ‘Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like raspberries.’

Umm… where was I?

Oh, yes, my poor neglected blog.  Sigh.

So, the good news is that we have extended and offer to an applicant for our open position and she has accepted it.  Halle-fucking-lujah!  This time it’s going to be so, so much better than the last time when the top bosses didn’t listen to me.  They hired a nut and we all paid the price.  This time, they agreed with my choice and I have high hopes for this woman in this job.  Extremely qualified.  Friendly, but not pushy or weird with it.  Young enough to think this is a great position, but not childishly young.  I’m hopeful.  This is good news because it means that the unreasonable workload that I and my entire staff have been struggling under will be lifting soon.  Mid October, to be precise.  I am ready for it!

But, I did want to say hello to you all who happen to drift by here every now and again.  Hello!  I also wanted to update you on some goings on around Chez E.

So, the whole marriage equality thing.  Raise your hand if you have mixed emotions about getting married.  Me!  Me!  I do!

We were watching tv the other night and there was something on about gay marriage and T looked over and said, ‘When are we going to get married?’

I have been dreading this conversation for a quite awhile.  I remained silent.

Marriage is now legal in Washington State, which is right across the river from us and just happens to be my partner’s home state.  But, I thought I was safe because hey, we live in Oregon!  Not legal here!  Plenty of our people have crossed the river and pledged their troth in the ‘Couv, though.  It’s easy, if you want to get married.

Then she said, ‘You liked someone’s post about marriage equality, right?  Well, don’t you want to get married?’

I, trying hard not to sound panicky or hunted, said, ‘Well, I believe that we should have equal rights, including marriage, but I don’t necessarily want to get married.’  What a waffler!

‘Why? Why not get married?’ and then the inevitable ‘Don’t you love me enough to get married?’

AAAARRRGGGHHH! 

Don’t go there!  For the love of all things fleeting and temporary, please don’t go there!

Because, no.  I don’t want to get married.

I was married once.  To a man.  It was disastrous.  Thank the Heavens Above that my daughter and I survived.  And, yes, I realize that this is completely different.  T is not a man.  She is a lovely, hardworking, compassionate, funny, attractive, sexy, needy, clingy, joined-at-the-hip, self-doubting woman.  So, you know, a regular gal.  A typical lesbian – if there is such a thing.

We are registered domestic partners.  That felt like enough to me, even though it is definitely a second class citizen category.  I am in favor of marriage equality in theory, and for other people.  I just don’t want to get married!

There’s another aspect that I haven’t told her yet.  My workplace just announced that they will begin treating all same sex married persons the way the IRS does; which means that they will subtract one’s benefit dollars from one’s income pre-tax instead of post-tax.  That makes one’s taxable gross smaller, so that one pays less in income tax.  Well, isn’t that wonderful!  Yes, it is!  But, it’s really going to force my hand.  Why can’t they treat domestic partnership the same?  Wah, wah, wah.  I should be celebrating, not whining.

But, here’s the thing.  I have never been ‘all in’ in this relationship.   I’ve never felt that this was going to last.  I’m astounded that we’re still together after 5 years.  I’m a coward for not breaking up, if I feel that way, but it’s not a bad relationship.  It’s not like either of us is mean to the other or treats the other badly.  We get along well enough.  But, well enough for what?  For marriage?  I don’t think so.

Oh, I know, we can always get divorced if we part ways.  Well, yes, but why would I get married if I thought it was going to end in divorce eventually?  That makes no sense either.  I’m telling you, I had a hard time signing up for domestic partnership for these very reasons.  But, in order to put T on my insurance, I had to. 

So, there I am.  Staring down the specter of marriage when I should be celebrating it.  What’s a gal to do?  What would you do?

Oh, one other piece of news.  Because my partner works for – and volunteers for -  the county animal shelter, we are now fostering a puppy.  Super cute mutt that is probably a cross between a pit bull and a shar pei.  Funny looking little girl dog.  Very smart, very loving, very puppy-ish.  

WE ARE NOT KEEPING HER!

The Good, The Bad and The Early

The busy season at my work is slowly tapering off.  Thank goodness, because I am tired!  One of my team members was out most of the critical two weeks (last week of June, first week of July) and I had to step in and do some big chunks of her job.  For part of her work assignment she needs to arrive before 7:00 am.  In her case, that’s no problem – in fact, she prefers the early shift.  For me, not so much.

I used to work early rather than late.  I typically arrived around 7am and left around 3:30 or 4pm.  I did that for many years.  And, as an early riser, it wasn’t a big deal.  There’s a lot to be said for the early shift, especially having time after work to actually get stuff done rather than just come home and eat dinner and go to bed.

But, when my mom was dying, I switched up my work schedule.  I spent the mornings with her which allowed my dad to take a long nap and run errands.  I was going to work around 12:30 or 1:00 pm and working until 8 or 9 in the evening.  At least, some of the time I stayed that late.  Plenty of days I was just too exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally, to stay that late.

Something about that whole summer and fall changed my internal clock.  Something that drove me to stay on schedule and on track just broke. 

Since then, I arrive at work anywhere from 8:30 to 10:30 in the morning and stay, usually, until 6:00 or 7:00 in the evening.  My coworkers are used to it and my bosses don’t care, so I just come in when I feel like it and leave when I’ve had enough. 

So, the past couple of weeks have been a reminder of what the early shift feels like.  Tiring!  I’ve also noticed the differences in the commute.  Both the bike commute and the bus commute are different at those early hours.  The bus is crowded!  I mean, sardine can crowded.  7:00 to 3:00 is a very typical hospital shift and there are a multitude of us here.  And the bike commute, wow.  So many rude and impatient riders at those early hours!  Of course, it doesn’t help when the Tour de France is going on.  We get all of these lunatics who think they will earn a yellow jersey or be King of the Mountain by racing down the streets and nearly knocking the rest of us aside.  Ugh.  And don’t get me started on their damned lycra biking outfits!  Bunch of horses asses out there…  so unnecessary.

But, the early morning is cool and lovely and I don’t give a fig if the racers all race by me.  I’m still out pedaling along at my fairly sedate pace and arriving to work cool and calm and not all sweaty and agitated.

This morning, however, my errant coworker is back and I sure as hell did not get up at the crack of dawn and show up to work early!  I rolled in around 8:30 and it felt pretty good.  Will it be hard to stay later this afternoon?  I don’t think so.  I like the later hours because after 4pm it’s nice and quiet and I get a lot more done without all of the interruptions.  It’s a trade off, but I think I’m getting the good end of the bargain.

Life, work, ptsd and other stuff

So, long time no posting, yeah?  Sorry about that.  As you know, I have been in a funk.  And, to add to it, I have been plagued by PTSD triggers as well lately.  I’m back to a weekly schedule with my therapist, and we are digging down into some subterranean layers.  Ugh.  It’s not pretty.  But, I’m hopeful that with more time and examination things will settle down.

I’m actively working on being compassionate to my younger self.  Instead of beating her up about things she did or didn’t do, I’m realizing that she did her best.  (No, I don’t usually refer to myself in the third person!)  My mother used to say, “God gave me this puny body and I do the best I can with what I got.”  It’s a quote from something, but I don’t know what.  And, I did do the best I could at the time.  And I’m trying to not give more weight to what I didn’t do, or what I see now as what I should have done, but instead to realize that I did my best.  Does that make sense?  Hindsight, you know, can tie you up in knots.

So, that’s where I am right now.  It’s not exactly a happy place.  But, in the end it may lead to greater happiness, thus my willingness to go there.  But still, yuck.

Besides that, what else is going on?

Pride!  Portland Pride was last weekend.  We went to a variety of fun events and had a good time overall.  I will say that my gf spent the majority of the parade in the bar with her friends while I was out in the sunshine watching the extravaganza.  I didn’t care.  I got to feel slightly superior in that they seemed like a bunch of drunks while I felt pretty darned virtuous, but I shouldn’t really mention that because it makes me sound like a stuck up prude or something.  I scored big on parade swag, though!  Go me!

Work trudges on, seemingly endlessly.  This is the big academic and fiscal year turnover right now so we are busy as all get out.  We are also short-handed.  We had hired a gal in February who most definitely did not work out and we let her go in April.  Still waiting to get permission to fill that position.  That means that the rest of us are working extra hard.  And, boy oh boy, did I ever screw up.  We have half a dozen incoming fellows who I got credentialed and enrolled but forgot to hire!  Holy crap!  I’m scrambling now.  Might just pull off a Hail Mary on this one, but we’ll see.  Plus one of them is coming a week earlier – a fact that the program director didn’t tell me about.  Sigh.

My brother and his family arrived last night for their yearly visit.  I’m always glad to see them, but I wish they weren’t here during my busiest week!  Still, I get to hang out with my sister-in-law and she is all kinds of awesome.  Unfortunately, the Kid is not coming down for the weekend.  She and her man have a house guest at the same time.  Argh!

In three weeks we are going camping with our favorite neighbors.  It’s trailer camping, people, don’t get too excited.  They have a fancy, newish trailer and we have our darling little vin tage trailer.  We’re going to a spot on the Clackamas River.  It’s close to Portland but out in the woods.  The neighbors are bringing their folding boat.  I don’t know anything else about that but … folding boat … sounds intriguing.  I’ll let you know!

We plan on doing some fishing while we are there.  The Clackamas is well stocked and has native salmon and trout as well.  OH!  We bought a smoker!  For, you know, smoked fish.  We’ve used it a few times and it is fan-freaking-tastic!  I can’t wait to catch some of the slippery little buggers and take them home for smoking.  Yum.  My big plan is to drive out to the coast when the season is on, and buy a whole tuna when the charter boats come in.  Have you ever had smoked tuna?  So.Damned.Good.  SO GOOD!  Better even than smoked salmon, and I am a salmon lover.  Try it!  Just sayin’.

Been riding my bike when the weather permits.  We’ll have a solid week of tolerable weather and everyone gets all excited and then the clouds and the rain come back.  I’m not really complaining, just commenting.  I do love to ride my bike, though, and it is so much faster than taking the bus.  I won’t knock the bus too badly – I get some great reading time when I’m on the bus and that makes up for the loss of the bike ride.

Looking forward to canning season.  I've just about finished up or given away all of last summer's jam.  I have to say - I'm good at jam.  And, I get so much pleasure out of it.  I love making jam and I love eating jam.  I also love sharing jam.  I'm the kind of person who, if you tell me that you love my jam, you will never run out.  I always make way too much, at least, too much for one household, but that just means that I get to share a lot.  And that makes me happy.

There’s probably loads more I could jot down, but I’m at work and I think you know how busy it is round here.  I’d better get back to it.  Have a lovely weekend, all.  Happy Pride!

e

November -- Done!

Hello Friends!  Gosh, I've missed you all!

Made it!  Survived and WON at NaNoWriMo.  I have written over 50,000 words this month, almost all of them about my mom.  And about me and my mom.  And our family.  And, and, and.  It's a lot of words, but it just begins to scratch the surface of what I want to say about her.  Still, it's a start.

What else is going on?

For the last year and a half I have been on my own schedule, stumbling through life.  For the couple of decades before that I had been getting up painfully early to be to work before dawn's early crack.  This let me be home in the afternoon when I was raising the Kid.  Well, when my mom got sick and I started taking care of her in the mornings, I no longer had to set my alarm to get up.  That was nice.  Real nice.  It's now been a year since my darling mumsey left me, but did I go back to my previous early morning schedule?  I did not.  In fact, I forgot how to set my alarm clock!  No kidding.  I had to download instructions online this week.  I had to be to work early one day and I was damned if I could remember how to set the thing.  Ridiculous, I know.  You don't get to toss out the alarm clock until you retire!

One thing I will need the alarm for is to get my lazy ass out of bed and back to the gym.  I stopped going on a regular basis this summer.  We had a big upsurge in busy-ness at work and besides that I was riding my bike to work.  So, I felt ok about not going.  Now, however, the rainy season has set in and I just don't feel like commuting in a downpour, spending all day feeling damp, and then riding home in the pitch black, wet night.  Just doesn't sound like a good time to me.  So, it's back to the gym before work.  Hence the alarm clock and it's mechanical intricacies.

Here's a big thing.  You probably remember from my whining about it that I don't love my job and have made up my mind to explore other options.  I've been giving this topic a lot of thought over the past year or so, and have come to a decision.  I am going to go back to school and get a degree in Engineering.

Let's let that sink in for a minute, shall we?

Engineering.

I can just imagine that stunned look on your faces.

It may sound crazy, and it may indeed be crazy, but I'm going to go for it.  I have some ideas about small scale energy generation and I would like to learn the theory and practice of how to make it work.  Actually, I have some ideas about other projects as well, and I'm really looking forward to taking them beyond the idea phase.  I'm excited about it!

But, engineering requires a whole lot of math.  In my previous scholastic career, I studied plant biology.  There was some math involved in that but I didn't have to go beyond algebra, trigonometry and statistics.  So, I'll have to do calculus.  I AM NOT AFRAID!  She shouted to the Universe...

I'm planning on doing a self-study refresher through the Khan Academy and then I'll take the math placement test at the University.  I am totally cool with repeating the basics because I think it will be important to really understand the nuts and bolts of this stuff.

So, that's what's going on with me in a nutshell.

Just to catch you up on the day to day stuff, here's a little overview of the past month or so.

• The end of October was the one year anniversary of my mom's death.  My daughter came down from Seattle and she and I, my dad and my younger brother got together for a little ... what ... 'acknowledgement' might be the best word for it.  The kid and Pop and I had a lovely tea using all the best china.  Later the kid and Pop and I polished silver together and talked about mumsey.  The last day of her visit was when my brother joined us and we all sat down at the table together.  It wasn't enough for me, but at least it was something.

• Thanksgiving came and went.  We had six at the table and it was generally pleasant.  My dad and brother came, Zoe and her man, and me and T.  I had lots of help in food preparation and everything turned out well.  Sent leftover home with everyone so that we didn't feel obligated to eat all that stuff.

• Speaking of eating, I gained back a couple of pounds over the holiday but overall I am still down 20 pounds since starting Weight Watchers.  Still losing!  Back to the gym should help with that...

• The gf and I are getting along moderately well.  I'll settle for that right now.  We've got that other holiday coming up though and her mom is expecting her to be there.  I don't really feel like going - especially since they don't much like me after my outburst of this summer.  I would stay home, gladly, but T's feelings would be hurt and I don't need to do that.  I am still debating whether or not I can do it.  Undecided.

• New furnace.  Ouch.  The house is nice and toasty warm and we have the latest thing in thermostats (the Nest), but man oh man was that sucker expensive.  Oh the joys of home-ownership.

I think that's it.  The large and small and in between.  I hope you are all doing well.  I've been reading your blogs when I can and when you post... haven't heard from some of you for as long as you haven't heard from me.  I guess it just goes like that sometimes.  

Let's all catch our breath before the next onslaught.  December starts TOMORROW!

Work Surprise

My office-mate is out on maternity leave.  This has been blessing; she is a real chatterbox and kind of drives me nuts.  The woman who is taking her place is only here a couple of hours a week, so that's nice.

BUT!  Today the replacement Came Out to me!  I had no idea!  Total gaydar failure!

She asked me about my bike ride home and we were talking about neighborhoods and what-not.  She said that when she and her ex split up she moved to the west-side.  Then, this:  "My ex is a she."

I said, "You play for my team?  Fantastic!"  Now she wants me to hook her up and I am going to start looking...    :-)

Some days are just crappy

Yesterday was Monday.  And, for my partner it was the Monday from hell.

After lunch, her boss and the boss's boss called her in to the office.  Told her that due to budget issues they were going to have to lay her off.  No, she hadn't done anything wrong, they loved her work ethic, but as the temp she was the first to go.  (Never mind the fact that they are running an ad for a maintenance worker at a lower pay grade.  Whatever.)

That afternoon, as we commiserated about the job, we got the call we were dreading from the Vet.  The results came back on the needle biopsy he had done on T's beloved dog.  Yep, as feared, lymphoma.  Chloe, the Rottweiler, is only 8 years old but that's the same age that her previous Rotty died of cancer.  Still.  A shitty and sobering day.

But, because my middle name is Pollyanna, here's the good:  T went to work this morning at her previous place of employment.  William is delighted to have her back.  And, Chloe isn't acting sick at all so we are hoping that will have some good quality time for a while yet.

Plus, for me anyway, there is the realization that other sorrows make these pale in comparison.  My friend's mother is dying right now, something that I am still coming to terms with in my own life, and the loss of a job and even of a beloved pet are not on the same scale at all.  At all.

Pause

I took the day off today.

I worked out this morning.  T and I had our therapy session.  After our appointment, as I was riding my bike to work and I just said "To hell with it!  I'm going home."

So, here I am.  I have a lot on my mind.  I am waiting to hear from my parents after the meeting with the doctors.  I am at loose ends, in limbo, on tenterhooks.  I am no fit company for anyone, and didn't want to spend the day pretending at work.

If you feel like it, email me.  I've got the time to respond.

AND (super important!): Thank you so much for your good thoughts, intentions and prayers for my mom.  I know it helps!

xoxox
e

I think I did the right thing...

I think I did the right thing today.  I’m pretty sure I did.  I feel a little ambivalent about it though.

Earlier this year, I decided to initiate some changes at my place of employment.  My goal was to oust my almost non-existent manager and take his place.  I am the second in command in our group, after this manager whom we share with another department. 

Today I met with our accountant and one of the other women in the group.  I recommended this other woman for management over myself.  I believe that she will do a better job than I.  I have a definite skill set, and am really quite good at the things I do, but I think M will make a better manager.  Not in the people skills area, because I excel at that, but on the business side of the business.  M has great skills in things like contract negotiation, super attention to detail, organization and coordination of effort… you know, businessy business.  I’m better at people and words and schmoozing.  And, she will need me to schmooze this position into existence.

The other part of the equation is related to time and age.  M is younger than I am, by at least 15 years.  Add to that the fact that I intend to retire* in three years, and I’d rather have her jump through the hoops.  I will help her in any way I can, and will put my effort into helping her create the position, but after considerable consideration I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want the job.

The ambivalence comes in, I guess, because I have been doing the job of the manager for quite a few years and have not been adequately compensated for it.  I have spent a lot of time and energy making our department better.  I have assembled a team of outstanding employees.  I have eliminated redundancies, streamlined processes, fitted the right person with the right tasks, and generally kept things both efficient and serene.  I’ve been the manager.  I’ve just never been paid to be the manager.  I would have liked to have had the salary.

Overall, I believe that it is the right decision.

*I say 'retire' but in fact it will be a big shift.  I’ll be 55, I’ll have 20 years into the retirement system, but I won’t get enough money to live on.  I’ll have to continue to work but I am looking forward to doing some work that interests me, and preferably part time.  The funny thing is, yesterday, in the early morning fitness class that I take, the head of my martial art school, upon hearing that I would retire in three years, said that she would love to hire me to be her administrator.  So, already things are realigning to this new idea.  

That makes me happy.

Bus-bians

I rode the bus in to work late this morning.  I will spare you the scenes of domestic drama that necessitated the lateness; suffice it to say: the teenager.  At any rate, it meant that I was riding with a completely different set of passengers.

A pair of young lesbians got on and quickly surveyed the seating choices.  There were no spots with two seats together.   As they came to the back of the bus, one sat down in an aisle-side seat and, rather than sit across the aisle from her girlfriend, the other one stood right next to the first.  It looked very chivalrous, as if she were protecting her gf from a potential random encounter.  It might have been just that she liked leaning in and getting a little extra closeness before they had to start their day.  At any rate, it was pretty sweet and it made me smile.

A Random Update from My Crazy Life

Good: I’ve been riding my bike to work for the past few weeks. It feels so good! I got a new bike for my birthday (thanks baby!) and it is such a pleasure to ride. My route is about 5 miles long, across the river and through downtown. Portland is a pretty good place for bicyclists. There are lots of bike lanes and by and large drivers are pretty aware of bikes.

Predictable: Just when things are starting to settle down from the academic/fiscal year turnover, BAM! A new, giant project drops in my lap. One I’m not excited about. I may push it off on one of my staff…

Undecided: It’s looking more and more like my girlfriend’s niece will be moving in with us. She is spending a few days with us right now and discussions are continuing with all the adults in the family over whether or not she should move. I’m ambivalent about the whole thing, truth be told, because we would be giving up a lot of the easy parts of our daily life. We have talked about it a lot and I have told T that she is going to have to be the primary parent. She is going to have to sit down with the girl every day after school and help her with her homework. She’ll have to do the majority of the parent/teacher stuff. She’ll have to be the responsible one. Of course, I will be helping and contributing as well, but she will have to be in the driver’s seat.

We’ve had her at the house for the weekend and I’m already exhausted just by having to interact with another individual. We’ll adjust, of course, but it’s not going to be easy. Good thing she’s a pretty darned good kid. Issues, yes, but overall pretty good. I know that we will be doing a good thing by having her come and live with us, but it’ll be four years of parenting to get her through high school. Sigh.

Work Plans

Here’s what I’m thinking about today: work, and how to do less of it.

So, my partner has been laid off and working only sporadically for the last year and a half. This is hard on both of us. Partly because of the money, of course, and partly because of the self esteem (for her) and the resentment (for me). I’m trying not to be resentful, really I am! It’s just that I hardly ever get to just hang around at home and I would love to do that more. I can tell you one thing for sure, if I had all the time off that she does, the house would be cleaner, the laundry would be caught up, the tv would NOT be on… but, to be fair, the grass would not be cut, the weeds would not be pulled… etc. She does the chores she likes. And, she cooks dinner about 95% of the time. Thank the goddess for that, otherwise we might starve. I hate to cook.

I have 16 years of service at my present employer. How did it rack up so high? Day by day, I guess. I was only going to work here a couple of years…. So, my thought now is that I will stick it out for 4 more years and get to 20. At that point, I would like to either work here part time, say 20 hours a week, or work somewhere entirely different. I won’t be old enough to collect retirement for a few more years, but I’ll be getting close. The more sensible thing would be to work here part time, since I’ll be accruing time off and sick leave at the highest rate and have all that seniority. I might look into a job share position. Ideally, I’d like to work two 10s.

The other option I am considering is training for medical coding. A lot of coders work from home, even those in my archaic department. Work one day in the office and a couple of days from home. That would be do-able.

Back to the girlfriend: she wants to do something different, and I think that is a good idea. She has been in construction for 30 years and it has taken a toll on her body. She is getting too old and stiff and sore to keep up that kind of physical work. And yet, she doesn’t want a sitting down job. She really is not an office worker. Her thought now is to work with animals, which would be perfect for her. She is looking into dog grooming, which at first I felt ambivalent about. But, what the hell, it’s her life and if that would make her happy and bring in enough income, what do I care? So she comes home smelling like a wet dog – that’s what showers are for.

She is also going back to community college just to explore some other options. This is huge for her. She hasn’t set foot in a classroom for a very long time. She is pretty nervous about it but willing to go. I’m very proud of her for that. Tonight is her first class!

So, I told her that she needed a 4 year plan. She needs to pick something and get it going well enough to pay the bills in the next 4 years. Then I can move to my part time plan and have a little spare time to futz around the house. We’ll both have a 4 year plan. I think it will work.

Here's to the future!

Back but Not Ready

I took the week of Thanksgiving off work. It was the November birthday week in my family and what with birthdays and the holiday it just seemed like a good time to be at home. Now, however, I’m back at work and struggling to give a shit.

T’s birthday went pretty well. She got what she wanted most: undivided attention and time. We worked on the house some, hung out a bit, took the dogs for walks, had a couples massage, drank mimosas, soaked in the hot tub. All good stuff.

For her big 5-0 birthday I got her a few things. Some fairly ordinary, wifely type things (underwear, candles, sweats and long sleeve t-shirts). And two things that she wasn’t expecting and really liked. A dog training treat pouch for dog walks, with some treats, of course; and a New Orleans Saints hoodie.

During the week I hardly logged on to the computer. Didn’t check my facebook page, didn’t read my usual blogs, barely checked my email and then only on the crackberry. I pretty much went without the electronics for a week. It was fine. The earth did not stop spinning. Amazing! T, however, has developed an addiction for one of those idiotic facebook games: Farmville. She is harvesting her damned crops all the time. It has started to become a bit obsessive. She was on it last night at bedtime, calculating what she could plant based on when the harvest would be. Oh, whatever, it’s not like I care if she plays a game. But, she missed some of the Saints game last night so that she could run upstairs and harvest something.

Coming back to work after time off is hard. It’s been a slog lately and the break was very welcome. I did ok yesterday, Monday, but today I really don’t feel like being here. I’m restless, and alternating between bored and antsy. I’d like to get out of the office and walk home, but I need to be here and I don’t have the time for that long of a walk today. Instead, I’m looking out the window at the rare winter sunshine. People are calling and emailing with issues and problems and I just can’t find the energy or interest to care. That sounds bad, I know. I also know that it will pass, eventually.

Bike Commute Challenge

Yay for me! I rode my bike home from work yesterday for the first time!

So, we’ve got this thing called the Bike Commute Challenge. Maybe it’s going on in your town? Maybe it’s just an Oregon thing… Different businesses compete to have the greatest percentage of employees riding their bikes to work during the month of September. I don’t think you win anything but bragging rights, and all of the actual benefits like better health, less pollution, etc.
For the past year and a half I have been carpooling with T. Since her last layoff, however, she has just been driving me to work and picking me up. I know, I know, how very wasteful that is! I have been talking about riding my bike to work but hadn’t gotten up the courage or motivation to do it. The bike challenge was the impetus I needed.

I had T drop me and my bike off yesterday and today. I feel ok about that. It cut the car commute in half. Next week I aim to ride both directions.

It’s only 5 miles from my house to my work, but it’s through the city, across the river and up a steep hill. Truth be told, I’m not doing the steep hill – not up or down it. Instead, I’m taking the tram up and down. It just feels safer and more doable for me. I made it home in 40 minutes yesterday, which is about 20 minutes faster than the bus. I know I’ll be able to shave a good 10 minutes off that time; I wasted a few minutes riding around one neighborhood looking for the bike path. Also, there’s one short but steep hill that my legs weren’t up to yesterday. It’s only 2 or 3 blocks long but I walked my bike up it yesterday. By next week I hope to ride the whole thing.

It really felt great to be getting home via my own power. Empowering! I’ve walked home before and that felt pretty good, too, but zipping along on my bike was great. And, the whole time I was pedaling I was thinking about how much better my pants would fit in a few weeks. I haven’t been working out for quite a while now and I have gained an unacceptable amount of weight and I just don’t feel good. This will definitely improve my physical and mental well-being.

The unknown so far is how the weather will affect my commute. Portland is known for the rainy weather, and it’s coming. I’m going to check out some rain pants and see if I can stick it out in the upcoming wet weather.

Wish me luck!

This is why I like my job

Sometimes, I see the better side of people instead of the worse. Today, I was walking down a corridor and passed a mom, grandma and young toddler. The toddler was fussy and wanted to be carried. The mom reached down and picked her up. Then the youngster wanted down. Up, down, up, down. Finally, to distract the kiddo, the mom and the grandma started singing “She’ll be coming round the mountain” at full volume with the little girl chiming in. Mind you, we’re in a public hallway connecting a couple of big hospital wards. Most people walking by just ignored them and carried on with their business.

It made me smile. And sing.