Not much, you?

Because I have a few minutes, I thought I'd bore you with some of the trivial thoughts that drift through my largely vacant head.

• Weight watchers: I have lost something like 12 pounds.  It's taken over 5 months, but at least it continues to go in the right direction.  The good thing is this: I'm not hungry ALL THE TIME, as I was at first.  Plus, with their program, one can eat all the fruit one wants and hey, during summer what else does one want but fresh, local fruit.  I like that.

• Related to losing weight, my workout buddy and I can't understand WHY, since we work out HARD three times a week and ride our bikes to work virtually everyday, why aren't we thin???  It's just not right.  Not fair.  It's frustrating.

• I have cut waaaay back on the alcohol intake.  (Yes, I realize that I am still on practically the same subject.)  So, a couple of weeks ago I had a super shitty day and drank more than I should have.  OK, actually it was my mom's birthday and I was really sad and really missing her and I didn't set out to drink too much, it just went that way.  And, truthfully, I wasn't plastered, I wasn't rip roaring drunk... just a little over the line.  But, the abyss opened before me at some point and I just managed to avoid plunging headlong into the void.  Since then, I just have not been interested in having a drink. Well, ok, we had a couple of beers at the softball tournament.  And, I had a pint of cider when we went out to dinner last week.  But, other than that, it's been a tall glass of ice water with a splash of tart cherry juice in the evening.  And it feels right.

• Speaking of the softball tournament, that was last weekend ~ which happened to be the hottest weekend in three years.  It was 105 degrees!  Here!  In the damp and chilly PNW.  I pitied the players.  We were only there to watch and cheer them on.  We didn't do too much cheering on; Miss ADD (yes, that would be T, my irksome partner) got bored and antsy and we left after one damned game.  Our friends were disappointed, as I was, but what can you do?

• And, last but not least, JAM!  I have been making jam like a maniac!  All of the fresh fruit that is available at the Farmer's Market, and all of the berries from our garden are being jarred up.  Last year I froze pounds and pounds of berries and made many jars of sour cherry jam.  This year I have just made jam.  Raspberry, blueberry, tayberry, strawberry, apricot, peach, and loads of sour cherry.  There might be another variety, I can't think of it right now though.  T and I have made eight jars of dill pickles and I just bought four and a half pounds more of pickling cukes for another batch.  This makes me happy.

So that's it for today, my friends.  Not much to say, but I'm sharing it anyway.  

Work Surprise

My office-mate is out on maternity leave.  This has been blessing; she is a real chatterbox and kind of drives me nuts.  The woman who is taking her place is only here a couple of hours a week, so that's nice.

BUT!  Today the replacement Came Out to me!  I had no idea!  Total gaydar failure!

She asked me about my bike ride home and we were talking about neighborhoods and what-not.  She said that when she and her ex split up she moved to the west-side.  Then, this:  "My ex is a she."

I said, "You play for my team?  Fantastic!"  Now she wants me to hook her up and I am going to start looking...    :-)

In-laws... sigh

Alright, a confession.

I behaved badly at the in-law’s house this weekend. 

It’s kind of a long story, and a sad one, so I’ll abridge it.

My girlfriend’s brother is … mentally challenged.  I would say retarded but the family hates that word.  He is not Down’s Syndrome, just slow, illiterate, low functioning, etc.  You know, retarded.  This never stopped him from meeting women, marrying and reproducing, though.  And his kids?  Also retarded, in varying degrees.  The eldest, a girl, lives with me and T during the school year ~ at least until she gets through high school (or I kick them both out).  She is the most functional of the bunch.  The boy, Wayne, lives with his dad.

So, we were over at T’s mom’s house on Saturday.  T’s sister, Pam, was there too, having her mother color her hair.  The kids were at their own mother’s house for once.  We were chatting about random stuff and eventually the hair coloring was concluded and Pam went to pick up the kids.

When they got back the usual conversation started about how difficult Clark, the retarded brother, is to be around.  How he has a million rules for Wayne about everything, and how he is always yelling at him and is, in fact, quite mean to the boy.  He is not allowed to turn on the tv by himself (he is 15), or get a glass of water by himself.  He is not allowed to open the refrigerator without asking.  He is not allowed to play with toys he has been given because he might break them.  He is not allowed to do much of anything.  And, seriously, it’s the halt leading the blind here.  They are both well below an IQ of 70.

This conversation comes up frequently.  Everybody bemoaning how hard Clark is on Wayne, and nobody choosing to deal with the situation. 

Eventually, on Saturday, it got down to talk of physical violence and how Clark had better not hit Wayne because Wayne is now big enough to hit him back.

This is when I lost it.  Talk about triggering.

I asked why it was ok for Wayne to have to live this way.  Why wasn’t anyone putting him first?  Who was looking out for Wayne if he had to grow up with an abusive father?  There was some backpedaling at that point, but the bottom line is that Wayne doesn’t count for very much in the family.  It’s appalling.  It’s wrong. 

And the thing of it is, Wayne is a much nicer kid than his sister who lives with me and T.  She is sly and secretive and withholding and selfish.  Her much more retarded brother has a sweet nature and an open personality.  He is cheerful and outgoing, she is moody and withdrawn.   

T’s mom started to say how she knew what it was like to live with an abuser.  Well, then, why are you allowing your grandson to go through that, I asked.  Oh, it’s not that bad, she said.  I look out for him, she said.

It’s a total fucked up mess, I can tell you that.

Nobody wants Wayne.  Grandma won’t take him.  T and I simply can’t ~ plus we’ve already committed to the sister.  Pam and her family won’t.  They don’t like the kid.  They are a bunch of snobs who like to pretend that they aren’t related to the rest of the family.  I think that he should be allowed to go live with his mother.  Although, that is probably not the best solution.  She is also of low intelligence and doesn’t always have her own place to live.  I believe that she is living with her own mother currently.

So, yes, I lost it.  I ranted for a minute or two and then stood up, gave Wayne a hug, and walked out the door.  Went and sat in my car waiting for T to come out and drive me home.  If I had had the keys in my pocket I would have left.  On the way home I lost it again, or further, and said all kinds of things that hurt my partner’s feelings.  But, really, at that point I was both crying and shouting and far, far beyond discretion.  Ugh. 

I’m not sure why this situation affected me so much on Saturday.  Well, ok, I had an energy alignment on Thursday, my therapist on Friday, and I think my usual walls and defenses were down.  I just couldn’t bear the thought of that kid living like that. 

So, now I have to apologize to my mother in law for being an obnoxious jerk.  I won’t take back what I said, but the way I said it was inappropriate.  It’ll be awkward, for sure, especially since the woman is nearly deaf and telephone conversations must be conducted at very loud volume.  I’ll probably email my sister in law as well.  We’ll see how long they hold a grudge…

A fun weekend with the in-laws.  How was yours? 

(Yes, this was the abridged version.)

Pride Roundup 2012!

Pride Roundup

Last weekend was Pride in my hometown.  Not that we’re not proud year-round…

Anyway, here’s how it went down.

Friday evening ~ hair cut.  Gotta look good for Pride, right?  T had a light trim and I had the clippers. 

Left side: shortish but swoopy

Right side: super short!

(I have a cowlick in front... can you tell?)

Saturday I had planned a busy but doable evening for us.  Before we could start on the gay fun, we had a backyard party for a friend to attend.  Got that done.  Then went home to don our gay apparel.

Next up was the Dyke March.  Now, let me give you a little history on that one.  Every year I say that I want to go to the Dyke March and every year T objects.  She used to say things like, “You just want to look at other women’s boobs.”  Or, “Why, are you looking for a new girlfriend?”  Yes, I know, she’s painfully insecure.  She doesn’t say that anymore, but this year it was, “It’s such a ridiculous spectacle.  I just hope the rest of the world doesn’t judge all lesbians by that.”  I mean, really.  I can’t spend the time going over these pointless arguments.  It’s …  never mind.

So, this year we were going.  A friend of mine was going to come with us.  My friend the jumper.  She needs to stay busy these days and I thought that our busy evening would be perfect for her.  We had a complicated arrangement logistically.  She met us at our house.  Then we took our car to the place where we would end the evening and parked it.  We got in her car and drove downtown to watch the March.  Only, when we got there, we discovered that we had missed it!  Argh!  Made T happy, though.

We went out for a bite of dinner.  There were two more things on our itinerary: the Hot Flash/Inferno Pride Party which was slated for 8pm to 4am.  No, we were not staying for the whole thing.  And the other entry on the itinerary was the World Naked Bike Ride.  We saw it last year and unbelievably T said, “Let’s do that next year!”  Of course she changed her mind, but still wanted to see it.

So, at this point, sitting in the café having dinner, I said “look, if this is too much for one evening, let’s skip the bike ride and just go to the Party.”  Yes, they agreed with that.  Fine.

So, we drive back across the river and arrive at the warehouse for the big Pride Party.  Holy smokes!  The place is teeming!  Teeming and Steaming!  We danced some, we had a drink or two.  We saw lots of friends, lots of gals who we typically only see on Pride weekend.  My fragile friend left after a couple of hours.  We stayed on a bit longer but eventually the heat and noise drove us out.  When we were leaving, maybe 11:00ish, there was a line down the block to get in.  I love that.

On the way home, we got up to 7^th and Burnside and found traffic at a standstill.  We drove up a few more blocks and parked the car and got out.  What do you know, we got to watch the Naked Bike Ride after all!  In fact, we couldn’t get across Burnside to go home for probably 45 minutes.  There are thousands, literally thousands of people participating in the ride.  Wow.

On Sunday, my fragile friend was picking us up to go to the Parade.  We got downtown in a timely manner and found a reasonably good spot along the route.  T and I nipped in to Hobo’s for a couple of quick mimosas.  We met up with another friend and the four of us watched the parade together.  Afterwards, we walked down to the Waterfront and strolled through the booths and enjoyed a couple of beers.  My fragile friend left and we caught a ride home with T’s friend Donna.  I would have liked to stay longer – the people watching is fantastic and we hadn’t seen some friends that we usually see there.  But, overall, we had a pretty good time.

Who else has a Pride story to tell?  I hope you are all out there waving your rainbow flags!

Fun evening!

Tonight I am taking a canning class!

Last summer I found a great source for sour cherries and made gallons and gallons of sour cherry jam.  Zoe was in town and helped me with that and we had a fun, if steamy, time.  T and I put up 18 jars of pickles out of our garden.  In the past I have canned peaches and pears and sauces and jams of all sorts.  My mom and I used to make cherry plum jam every year and it was so good!  It's very satisfying to have all of those beautiful jars of jam all lined up in the pantry, very satisfying!

So, last summer I found a recipe for sour cherry jam on this site, Food In Jars. Marissa McClellan, the blogger and canner extraordinaire, is teaching the class.  She just published a cook book and is touring the country doing book signings and canning classes.  Oddly enough, though she lives in Pennsylvania now she is an Oregonian, specifically a Portlander!

We're going to be making strawberry lemon jam in the class.  I hope we get to take a jar home!

btw: I'm cross-posting this to my family blog...

The old gray mare...

How is this for an irritation?

On Thursday evening, I knelt down on the kitchen floor to get a plastic container out of a lower cabinet.  When I stood up, my right ankle was totally effed up~!  I hyper-extended it somehow and couldn't put any weight on it.  On Friday I had to call in sick to work and actually hobble around on crutches.  Pathetic!

Today is Monday, and I'm getting along with just an Ace bandage.  It's still a little sore and twingey, but definitely better.  But, I couldn't work out or ride my bike and that's irksome.

It's hell getting old, let me tell you!  Still, it beats the alternative.

Better

Ok, here's some better news:

I've lost 8 pounds!

My work is offering membership in Weight Watchers for free and I thought I would give it a try.  This past year I have packed on quite a few pounds and I'd like to shed them.  I've been stocky most of my life, and I'm fine with that.  But, I crossed the line from stocky to stout a while ago and it's contributing to my unhappiness.

I started the WW at the end of February.  It's taken me all of March, April and May to lose 8 pounds but at least I'm losing and not gaining.  My goal is to lose another 42 pounds, and yes, that means that I was hovering around 50 pounds overweight.  It's probably more, if you consider my height (or lack thereof) and those grossly unrealistic weight charts that doctors and nutritionists have.

So, if it took me 3 months to lose 8 pounds, then the rest of it should be gone by... hmm... this time next year.  Oh, whatever, it'll just take a while.

And, can I take a moment to complain just a little?  Men and young women have it so much easier!  Especially men!  They just think about losing weight and it falls off.  Grr.  Let me tell you something: post-menopause it gets a lot harder to lose the weight.  I mean, I work out 3 times a week and ride my bike to work as often as I can and it is not enough.  Sigh.  So, I'm doing something about it and it'll take a while, but it's a relief to see the scale going in a happier direction.

Cheers, y'all!

A short review

This will sound familiar to many of you:

I have started so many blog posts…

I have written so many posts in my head…

I have meant to get back here and keep you posted…

But, here I am.  Late, with not much to say, but here.

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of my mother’s cancer diagnosis.  Fucking cancer.

And, while the year hasn’t always been an unremitting shitstorm, there’s been a lot of crap and a lot of negativity. 

In July my old dog died.  Well, we knew that was coming.  In March T’s dog died.  That was unexpected. 

Three of my friend’s mothers died last year ~ one right before my mother and two soon after.  What’s up Universe?

On my birthday last month I had coffee with a friend in the morning and then she went home and tried to kill herself.  She was not successful, thankfully.  She spent two weeks in the hospital and is out now.  Several friends, myself included, are helping her get her life back together and get back on track.  This has required bringing over dinner (easy enough) and housework (sure) and spending the night at her house once a week or so.  Her therapist reassures us that we are not responsible for keeping her alive; that is her job.  We are there to remind her that she is loved and is a valued and worthwhile person.  And, while I am happy letting people know that I love them, this whole thing has shaken my confidence.  I mean, we had coffee together ~ and talked about her problems ~ and then she tried to kill herself.  Yes, I know that she was in the throes of a mental illness episode.  Still. 

But, wait, I hear you say.  What about the good stuff?  Come on, Pollyanna! 

Ok, yes, there have been good things.  The most significant is my daughter moving back to the PNW.  That has been great.  My pop is healthy, that’s a relief.  Despite my suicidal friend I had a good weekend away with my two besties and my daughter last month.  So, yeah, some good things.

But, I think I need a reboot.  A psychic realignment.  I’m out of sync with something and need to get back into rhythm.  To that end, I am planning on taking some days off when the school year is over and T’s niece goes back to Grandma for the summer.  I’m going to burn some incense and say some prayers and meditate.  I’m going to clear the energy of my house and my spirit.  I’m going to open all of the windows and doors and let them breeze blow through.  I’m going to look within and without.  I’m going to re-evaluate.

Yep. Still here.

Hello, Blog Friends!

How have you been?  Good?  Fair to middlin'?  Hanging on by your fingernails?  Hope all is well with you... really.

I've been... meh.  So so, on a good day.  Just not feeling much joy of late.  I won't burden you with my depressive woes, cuz that's boring, but I'll just say that I've thought about you all frequently.  I've been reading your blogs (and even commenting occasionally), and have been meaning to write *something* for crying out loud, for weeks.  Thanks for sharing your lives electronically -- it takes me away from my self-involvement and that's a refreshing change.

Finally, though, I have something pleasant to say.  Yay!  Today is my daughter's birthday.  Yes, the Kid is 28 years old!  Wow!  How the hell that happened, I have no idea.

And, to continue with the pleasantness, next week I am going to visit my two besties and the Kid is coming too!  We are all going to get together at Lisa's house in Long Beach, California.  The last time the four of us were together was for Zoe's 21st birthday, so.... yeah, it's been awhile.  It's going to be fun!  Zoe and I are flying down on Thursday night and KA is taking the train down from the Bay Area.  We are going to go over to Catalina for the day on Friday and then just hang out all weekend.  There is a beach bonfire planned for Saturday night which is what Lisa chose for her birthday celebration.  There will certainly be some consumption of champagne and assorted alcoholic beverages.  There will also be some delicious food because Lisa is a fabulous cook.  We are planning a marathon card game session as well.  Oh yes, we will be having those famed 'good times'.  I'm very much looking forward to it!

What's that?  What will T be doing that weekend?  By some twist of fate or cosmic alignment, T's sister has a trade show to attend for work that same weekend and asked T is she would like to come along.  They are going to Las Vegas for the weekend.  So, no guilt trips being thrown my way from the partner.  Whew!

So, that's my news for today.  I'll try to get back before another month (or so) slips by.  Thanks for reading, lovely people.

Some days are just crappy

Yesterday was Monday.  And, for my partner it was the Monday from hell.

After lunch, her boss and the boss's boss called her in to the office.  Told her that due to budget issues they were going to have to lay her off.  No, she hadn't done anything wrong, they loved her work ethic, but as the temp she was the first to go.  (Never mind the fact that they are running an ad for a maintenance worker at a lower pay grade.  Whatever.)

That afternoon, as we commiserated about the job, we got the call we were dreading from the Vet.  The results came back on the needle biopsy he had done on T's beloved dog.  Yep, as feared, lymphoma.  Chloe, the Rottweiler, is only 8 years old but that's the same age that her previous Rotty died of cancer.  Still.  A shitty and sobering day.

But, because my middle name is Pollyanna, here's the good:  T went to work this morning at her previous place of employment.  William is delighted to have her back.  And, Chloe isn't acting sick at all so we are hoping that will have some good quality time for a while yet.

Plus, for me anyway, there is the realization that other sorrows make these pale in comparison.  My friend's mother is dying right now, something that I am still coming to terms with in my own life, and the loss of a job and even of a beloved pet are not on the same scale at all.  At all.