Better

Ok, here's some better news:

I've lost 8 pounds!

My work is offering membership in Weight Watchers for free and I thought I would give it a try.  This past year I have packed on quite a few pounds and I'd like to shed them.  I've been stocky most of my life, and I'm fine with that.  But, I crossed the line from stocky to stout a while ago and it's contributing to my unhappiness.

I started the WW at the end of February.  It's taken me all of March, April and May to lose 8 pounds but at least I'm losing and not gaining.  My goal is to lose another 42 pounds, and yes, that means that I was hovering around 50 pounds overweight.  It's probably more, if you consider my height (or lack thereof) and those grossly unrealistic weight charts that doctors and nutritionists have.

So, if it took me 3 months to lose 8 pounds, then the rest of it should be gone by... hmm... this time next year.  Oh, whatever, it'll just take a while.

And, can I take a moment to complain just a little?  Men and young women have it so much easier!  Especially men!  They just think about losing weight and it falls off.  Grr.  Let me tell you something: post-menopause it gets a lot harder to lose the weight.  I mean, I work out 3 times a week and ride my bike to work as often as I can and it is not enough.  Sigh.  So, I'm doing something about it and it'll take a while, but it's a relief to see the scale going in a happier direction.

Cheers, y'all!

A short review

This will sound familiar to many of you:

I have started so many blog posts…

I have written so many posts in my head…

I have meant to get back here and keep you posted…

But, here I am.  Late, with not much to say, but here.

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of my mother’s cancer diagnosis.  Fucking cancer.

And, while the year hasn’t always been an unremitting shitstorm, there’s been a lot of crap and a lot of negativity. 

In July my old dog died.  Well, we knew that was coming.  In March T’s dog died.  That was unexpected. 

Three of my friend’s mothers died last year ~ one right before my mother and two soon after.  What’s up Universe?

On my birthday last month I had coffee with a friend in the morning and then she went home and tried to kill herself.  She was not successful, thankfully.  She spent two weeks in the hospital and is out now.  Several friends, myself included, are helping her get her life back together and get back on track.  This has required bringing over dinner (easy enough) and housework (sure) and spending the night at her house once a week or so.  Her therapist reassures us that we are not responsible for keeping her alive; that is her job.  We are there to remind her that she is loved and is a valued and worthwhile person.  And, while I am happy letting people know that I love them, this whole thing has shaken my confidence.  I mean, we had coffee together ~ and talked about her problems ~ and then she tried to kill herself.  Yes, I know that she was in the throes of a mental illness episode.  Still. 

But, wait, I hear you say.  What about the good stuff?  Come on, Pollyanna! 

Ok, yes, there have been good things.  The most significant is my daughter moving back to the PNW.  That has been great.  My pop is healthy, that’s a relief.  Despite my suicidal friend I had a good weekend away with my two besties and my daughter last month.  So, yeah, some good things.

But, I think I need a reboot.  A psychic realignment.  I’m out of sync with something and need to get back into rhythm.  To that end, I am planning on taking some days off when the school year is over and T’s niece goes back to Grandma for the summer.  I’m going to burn some incense and say some prayers and meditate.  I’m going to clear the energy of my house and my spirit.  I’m going to open all of the windows and doors and let them breeze blow through.  I’m going to look within and without.  I’m going to re-evaluate.

Yep. Still here.

Hello, Blog Friends!

How have you been?  Good?  Fair to middlin'?  Hanging on by your fingernails?  Hope all is well with you... really.

I've been... meh.  So so, on a good day.  Just not feeling much joy of late.  I won't burden you with my depressive woes, cuz that's boring, but I'll just say that I've thought about you all frequently.  I've been reading your blogs (and even commenting occasionally), and have been meaning to write *something* for crying out loud, for weeks.  Thanks for sharing your lives electronically -- it takes me away from my self-involvement and that's a refreshing change.

Finally, though, I have something pleasant to say.  Yay!  Today is my daughter's birthday.  Yes, the Kid is 28 years old!  Wow!  How the hell that happened, I have no idea.

And, to continue with the pleasantness, next week I am going to visit my two besties and the Kid is coming too!  We are all going to get together at Lisa's house in Long Beach, California.  The last time the four of us were together was for Zoe's 21st birthday, so.... yeah, it's been awhile.  It's going to be fun!  Zoe and I are flying down on Thursday night and KA is taking the train down from the Bay Area.  We are going to go over to Catalina for the day on Friday and then just hang out all weekend.  There is a beach bonfire planned for Saturday night which is what Lisa chose for her birthday celebration.  There will certainly be some consumption of champagne and assorted alcoholic beverages.  There will also be some delicious food because Lisa is a fabulous cook.  We are planning a marathon card game session as well.  Oh yes, we will be having those famed 'good times'.  I'm very much looking forward to it!

What's that?  What will T be doing that weekend?  By some twist of fate or cosmic alignment, T's sister has a trade show to attend for work that same weekend and asked T is she would like to come along.  They are going to Las Vegas for the weekend.  So, no guilt trips being thrown my way from the partner.  Whew!

So, that's my news for today.  I'll try to get back before another month (or so) slips by.  Thanks for reading, lovely people.

Some days are just crappy

Yesterday was Monday.  And, for my partner it was the Monday from hell.

After lunch, her boss and the boss's boss called her in to the office.  Told her that due to budget issues they were going to have to lay her off.  No, she hadn't done anything wrong, they loved her work ethic, but as the temp she was the first to go.  (Never mind the fact that they are running an ad for a maintenance worker at a lower pay grade.  Whatever.)

That afternoon, as we commiserated about the job, we got the call we were dreading from the Vet.  The results came back on the needle biopsy he had done on T's beloved dog.  Yep, as feared, lymphoma.  Chloe, the Rottweiler, is only 8 years old but that's the same age that her previous Rotty died of cancer.  Still.  A shitty and sobering day.

But, because my middle name is Pollyanna, here's the good:  T went to work this morning at her previous place of employment.  William is delighted to have her back.  And, Chloe isn't acting sick at all so we are hoping that will have some good quality time for a while yet.

Plus, for me anyway, there is the realization that other sorrows make these pale in comparison.  My friend's mother is dying right now, something that I am still coming to terms with in my own life, and the loss of a job and even of a beloved pet are not on the same scale at all.  At all.

Exhausting and Confusing

Some nights are just exhausting.  Exhausting and confusing.

Last night I dreamed that I was back in the car with my Pop on our long car trip.  In the dream I looked down at myself and thought, “What the hell!  I can’t be naked with my dad!”  I got out of bed and put on a t-shirt and got back in bed and fell asleep.

Sometime later I woke up overheated and thought, “What the hell!  Why am I wearing a shirt?”  Took it off and tossed it to the foot of the bed.

Ok, that’s odd enough.  I’ve never been a sleepwalker, let alone a sleep dresser.  But, here’s what’s even weirder: I did the whole thing AGAIN.  Dreamed the same dream, reached down to the foot of the bed and dragged the shirt over my head and fell back asleep.  Woke yet again and thought, “Why is this shirt back on?!”  Took it off and put it under my pillow.

I’m not feeling especially well rested today.

Irritating

You know what's irritating?

Waking up with a headache when you haven't had anything to drink the night before.

Atmospheric pressure and sinuses, I guess.  Hmph!

Back from beyond

I’m back in Portland and recovering from the trip.  The week there was wonderful, but the two solid days of driving on either end of the week was exhausting.  Guess I’m just not as young as I used to be… and neither is my pop!

We had a great week with the Kid.  We got a ton of house repairs done, a bunch of stuff sorted by room, and even a tiny bit of yard work done.  The place looks better than it did when we arrived, not that it was a wreck, just the wear and tear of daily life.

The best thing about the week was that we had the Kid to ourselves.  Her man is already in Seattle so it was just the three of us and the pets.  Very, very nice to spend time with her!

During the long hours in the car my pop and I had plenty of time for conversation.  And, we pretty much talked the whole way across the country.  I found out that my great aunt was a lesbian.  Nice!  And that one of my mum’s best friends in college was a lesbian as well.  My pop figured out that his best friend in high school was gay.  Oh, yes, there was plenty of talk about The Gay.

The Kid is finishing up work this week.  Next week the movers come and pack the household and ship it off to the Northwest.  The Kid will be in the Northwest in just a little over a week.  Once their goods arrive at the new house, we – my pop and I – will drive her dog up to Seattle.  Oh, did I not mention the dog?  Yeah.  We brought the dog back with us in the car so that he wouldn’t have to be shipped by air.  Happily, he is a super mellow pup and is already fitting in perfectly with my household full of pets.  In fact, I think our cats are going to like him better than our dog.

I’m back at work.  Nothing new around here.  Things are much the same at home.  All to the good, I guess.  One of these days there will be big changes, but not for a bit.

That’s it for now.  I’m off to teach a couple of martial art classes this evening.  I’m slowly working my way back into my life. 

Hope the new year is treating you all well…

ps: South Dakota is bigger than you might think.

Quick Update

Hello!

I'm writing from the wilds of snowy Des Moines!  OK, it's not too wild...  but it is definitely snowy.
My Pop and I drove out to help the Kid get ready for the move to Seattle.  We have been doing all sorts of home repair tasks and enjoying our favorite daughter/granddaughter's company.  Good times!  Good, good times.

I have much and more to say, but no time to say it.  I'll give you a summary when I return to pdx.

Love to all!
e

So far, so good...

On the drinking, anyway.  I had no alcohol during the past week and much, much less on the weekend.  Also, something kind of funny: a prosecco that we had tried and found delightful a few weeks ago tasted ... weird ... to me this weekend.  Nothing wrong with it, per se, not like a sparkling wine that didn't get riddled properly and has a musty or moldy taste; no, it just didn't taste as good as I remembered.  So, I only had one glass.  Props to me!

Went to the gym on Friday before work and spent the rest of the weekend hobbling around like a crippled old woman.  Holy shit on FIRE!  Too much, too soon!  Couldn't go this morning because my thighs still hurt but I'll go on Wednesday.  I didn't realize how very, very out of shape I have become!  I'll just have to dial it down a notch or ten...  No need to keep up with the youngsters.  Actually, there is a woman in there who is just a couple of years older than me, and one who is nearly my mother's age ~ they both kicked my ass.  Ouch.

Got nothing done on my meditation space.  But, I haven't forgotten.  I'll get it organized when I can.

A little progress is better than no progress.

This year things will be better

They have to be, right?

I have been doing a whole lotta thinking of late, naturally.  About things like longevity and mortality and, you know, the meaning of life.  Just the average thoughts that come up when one's mother dies and then the New Year rolls around.

For the short term, I have a couple of resolutions.  Or, perhaps I'll call them adjustments.  They are simple and achievable, and oh-so-average.  That's ok, though, because we all want to do these things and collectively we can encourage each other.  They are:

• Get back to a regular work out schedule and ride my bike as often as the weather permits.  I worked out regularly last year until my mum got sick.  And, I rode my bike even when I didn't have the time to make it to the gym.  That is, I rode until the weather got too crappy and until I had to start going over to the parent's house in the evening as well as the morning.  There just wasn't enough time at that point. So, without regular exercise... let's just say that my pants are uncomfortably tight right now and I don't like it.
• Reduce alcohol consumption to weekends only (with a caveat for special occasions).  Last year T and I went teetotal for the month of January and weekends only for the month of February.  After that our imbibition gradually crept up until we were drinking every day after work and all day long on the weekends.  That's just too much.  For one thing, it's a lot of empty calories.  For another thing, I don't like to feel that I need a drink.  I want to drink because I enjoy the taste or the fizziness of the bubbles not because I had a rough day at the office.  T is not joining me this year (which bugs me just a little) but so far so good.  I've actually been enjoying our delicious tap water and really feeling good about preserving my liver rather than pickling it.
• Increase my time spent meditating.  I feel quite strongly the need to spend more time with an inward focus.  I may need to rearrange some physical spaces in my house to make this possible, but that's easily done.  The harder part of it is dedicating the time and encouraging the other members of my household to leave me alone.

Just those three adjustments for 2012.  There is one that fell by the wayside in 2011 that I would like to get back to, but I'm not going to pressure myself over it.  That one was reducing the amount of *stuff* in my basement.  I was going to go through a box a week but I only did about 7 or so boxes.  I really would love to take a month off and take everything out of my basement, throw 3/4's of it away, build some shelves and storage and put the rest back in an orderly manner.  That would be a pleasure!  I'll work on saving up the time and resources for that, but in the meantime it wouldn't hurt to just get rid of stuff.

Besides these immediate adjustments, I have been spending some time thinking about what is important to me in the long term.  I would like to retire in 2 years and 5 months (yeah, you bet I'm counting) and in order to do that I need to be confident about my goals and directions.  I will not be able to stop working completely, but I would very much like to get off the 40 hour/week schedule.  That is a major goal.  

So, my priorities for the rest of my life are this:

• Make sure Zoe is safe and set up in some comfortable situation (as much as a parent can with an adult child)
• Spend time regularly with my Pop
• Work enough to make ends meet and have benefits
• Have time to ponder and to pursue interests

These are not unreachable, unrealistic goals, right?  I sorely need the time to ponder.  I need quiet and undisturbed time on a regular basis.  I would like to get my thoughts in order and write more and communicate better and for this I need to be able to sit and think... I'd also like more time to walk the dog and pet the cats.  

Those are my resolutions, adjustments, goals and plans.  What are yours?