New Year, New Fears

 A day we have all been dreading, Inauguration Day in this shithole country.  Well, half of us have been dreading it and literally ALL of my friends and virtually all of my family.  I'm sure there are some fools in the family even if they are keeping it quiet.

But, we can't let the bastards win.  My friend, 8, posted about the importance of kindness and she is absolutely right.  Besides organizing and reaching out to those most severely impacted by the incoming administration, spreading kindness can only help.  

Oh, me?  I have spent the last week taking care of a friend who surgery.  That seems to be my retirement occupation.  Unpaid occupation.  But, I am very grateful to have good friends and if I can help them in their time of need, then I am lucky to be able to do so.  It's another tally on the kindness spectrum.

I am worried about the next four years.  I won't let the incoming bastards destroy my life, but I am worried.  We will have a lot to do when their term ends.  In the meantime, we've got to hold to our beliefs and stay strong for each other.  

Hang in there, friends!

What a difficult year it has been

 Do you mind if I vent a little? Or a lot? I know that doesn't sound interesting... no need to keep reading.

So.  My dad died, as you know, in late February.  It had been a long year but I was glad it was only one year and not multiple years as some people have to endure under those circumstances.  I'm not venting (much) about taking care of the old guy, I accepted that willingly and lovingly.

After his passing, my brother and I were left with the monumental task of clearing out the house.  My parents had become hoarders of a sort.  Not the kind with food waste on the floor and rats running wild, but collectors who did not know when to stop.  

My mom developed a love of the Goodwill and other charity shops in her late middle age.  Before that it had been antique malls and resale shops.  Somehow she found it in herself to cross that divide and descend into the real bargain hunters realm.

There were several categories of things she collected and when something caught her interest, she was all in.  Silverware - mostly silver plate but odds and ends of sterling.  I have two dozen full silverware chests, yes, 24!, in my house.  My goal is to sort through them and assemble sets for my nieces and nephew and a couple of cousins.  Not sure what to do with the rest, just move it on.  Silver serving items - large and small pitchers, teapots and coffee pots, bowls, cream and sugars, platters, gravy boats... if you can imagine it, she bought it.  There are probably 20 boxes of those in my house.  Again, need to sort, distribute, and move them along.  Dishware - I lost count of the sets of dishes in the house.  Some complete, some partially complete, many random.  Lots of pretty patterns.  I gave some away to friends and relatives, and donated the rest back to a variety of charity shops.  Also, pro tip: no one wants dishes with gold trim! You can't put them in the microwave.

The tchotchkes and figurines were another category.  I kept a few - probably too many but they can always go on another trip.  But, there are boxes of matryoshka dolls, she probably had 50 or 60 of them. Gave some away, others in boxes.  All sorts of Russian folk stuff - painted wood platters, salad forks, decorative boxes, etc.  Christmas stuff - ornaments, decorations, lights, too numerous to mention.  I kept back all of those until early December and then donated them.  Boxes and boxes and bags of it.

There's more, so much more, I can't list it all.  Art, art supplies, sculpture, framed prints, books, table linens, furniture, toys, flower vases... It was overwhelming.

And, that was just what my mom collected!  My brother had been storing a raft of crap that he collected in the attic.  

It was a monumental task to clear it out.  I made so many trips to a variety of charity shops.  My back was aching every day.  While I was doing the heavy lifting, my brother was sitting in front of the tv sorting through the mountain of paperwork left by our father.  The majority of it was old and could be thrown in the recycle bin.  Some he burned in a backyard fire pit.  But, mostly he did a lot of sitting.  I refused to deal with his collections of crap in the attic so he had to carry some things.  But, trust me, I did the bulk of the heavy lifting.

This is all preamble to the real source of my discontent.  I was somewhat prepared to deal with the hoard.  I was not prepared for the betrayals.

My dad left all of his money to my brother.  Almost $400k, not one penny to his other two children. That was hurtful enough but then my brother assured me that he was a co-owner of dad's house and he would get all the proceeds of the sale.  Well, that turned out to be false so I will get a share of that.  My brother was furious that he didn't get it all.  Furious.  Not only that, but I found out about the investment accounts going to him when I tried to put them into an estate account (being the executor, this was one of my responsibilities.)  When I contacted the bank and the investment broker they informed me that the accounts were closed and had been disbursed.  I went over to my brother's house and asked him when he had planned to tell me this.  He shrugged and said, 'After the house was sold, I guess.'  I'm sure he just wanted to make certain that I continued working like a hired hand.  I could not be more disappointed in him as a brother and a human being.

The second betrayal was when I decided to go through my mom's paperwork. I took it all home with me to sort it out in the evenings.  I was actually looking forward to reading what I would fine.  My mother was a wonderful writer and I knew that it would be like hearing her voice again.  I have a couple of boxes of drafts of stories and those were fun to read.  But, I also found a grocery bag of old letters.  Some were from old friends of hers and my dad, people I knew from childhood.  But, there was a big collection of letters that my mom had written to a friend and the friend had sent them back.  Some people would find this odd, but I could tell that my mom had been working out an idea for a novel and running it by her friend for feedback.  So, the friend sent those letters back to my mom.  I can't even remember what the theme of that novel was because the rest of the letters were so horrible and hurtful.

In the letters my mother wrote how awful I was, what a disappointment I was, what a failure. She complained about me in the most vindictive and vituperative language.  She thought I was a bad mother, that I had never lived up to my potential, that I was hard to be around.  It was the most thorough character assassination I can imagine.  I was completely blindsided and utterly destroyed by it.  None of this did she say to my face.  None of it.  She was pleasant and affectionate towards me.  I thought we had a good relationship.  It was all a sham.  Now I know why the majority of her friends were so dismissive of me.  

The irony of this is that of their three children, I am the one who always championed Mom.  My brothers were all about Dad.  My younger brother has said the most horrible things about our mother while always aligning himself with Dad.  My older brother is not much of a figure in all of this, mostly because he lives on the east coast and also because he is on the spectrum and has always held the family at arm's length.  Thankfully, he is not like that with his own family.

I thought that my mother and I were on the same page.  I thought we had a strong relationship based in love and mutual respect.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I am left with a gaping hole in my psyche. 

I put those letters in a separate bag.  My plan is to burn them at the Winter Solstice and release all of the bullshit and negativity.  It will take more than that, of course, but it will be a symbolic release.  I know that I am not the person my mother describes in her letters.  I know that I am a good person, a good mother, a good friend.  I'm not a failure.  I know this and I will probably be spending a long time coming to terms with her nastiness.  It reflects more on her than on me but, wow, was it hard to find out.

So.  That's me venting.  Thanks for reading.  

xoxox

e

The Long Year

 RIP Dad.

He slipped away when both my brother and I were there with him.  

The last couple of weeks were a steep decline.  He was down to one word responses when asked a question, and not very often at that.  He spent a lot of time in bed.  At the end, he died in the same spot that our mother did - he had taken over her side of the bed a while ago.

I left a window cracked open when it was obvious that he was near the end.  And I opened it wide when he died, so that his soul could escape the back bedroom of the house.  I like to think that he has reached the Summerlands and is strolling hand in hand with my mother.  

The long year of daily care has come to an end.  

###

New Year

 So, it's a new year.  I wonder how it will be different from the previous?  Time will tell.

I have not posted in months, mostly because there has been nothing to post.  The gentle decline of the father continues.  The annoyance with the brother waxes and wanes.  There is very little to tell.

However (yes, a tiny however) my dad's youngest brother and his wife, both nurses, came for a visit.  They wanted to see the old guy while they could and they wanted to check in with me and my brother.  They had some suggestions which my brother dismissed out of hand.  That was not unexpected.  But, they also said that, based on their experience, they thought that the old guy had a few months left at best.  

If you've ever been a caregiver for a dying person, you might have observed a change in the way their eyes appear.  They have a look that I would describe as a growing distance, or an absence, or a turning inward. They are no longer concerned with the mundane world around them and are looking, perhaps, beyond the veil.  

I remember this with my mother.  My father noted it at the time and said to me, 'She's leaving us.  She's no longer there.'

I'm seeing it now with my dad.  He is becoming less responsive to conversation.  He does not care about food - if you offer him a choice of two things he often won't respond at all.  Instead, I'll just make him his usual lunch and if he wants to eat it he can.  He is sleeping more and refusing to get out of bed some days.  Sometimes I will look up from my book to find him staring at me.  But, he's not really looking at me.  I wonder if he is seeing my mom, instead.  Or if he's seeing anything in the waking world at all.  I'll ask him if I can get him anything and he will say, 'What?  No, nothing.' Then he will look away, close his eyes and drift back to sleep.

I think my dad is preparing for the journey.  I hope it is a calm transition and a joyful release of the physical.  

Happy New Year.

July grinds on

 

Hi People!

 First, the News.  Oops, scratch that.  There isn’t any.

 Things remain the same around here.  The old man is slowly slipping away.  Luckily, he doesn’t have the kind of dementia where he no longer recognizes us.  (Yes, I did just knock on wood.)  He eats, sleeps and watches tv.  I’m leaving out the unpleasant parts of life including the toilet.  Most of the time, his existence is fairly serene.  My brother reports occasional periods of angst where he insists he needs to go somewhere and do something – like pick up the kids or go to the store – and it takes him a while to settle down and get back into his routine.  For some reason these episodes typically take place in the evening or later at night.  I’m not complaining about that.

 I mostly sit with my dad and read a book.  He naps in his chair in front of the tv.  I surreptitiously turn down the volume so that it doesn’t distract my reading but at the same time the absence of background noise doesn’t wake him up.  I’ve been plowing through many, many books these last few months.  Happily, the library is just two blocks from Pop’s house. 

 I feel like I should be getting things done.  But, I haven’t.  I leave my dad’s house feeling wrung out even though I’m doing virtually nothing.  It’s emotional exhaustion, I guess.  It’s not the kind that comes from fighting with a jerk (whether a significant other or a family member.)  And, it’s not the kind of heart-rending emotional sorrow I felt when my mom was dying.  It’s just a slow depletion of energy or motivation.  When I come home all I want to do is recover from sitting quietly with my dad. 

 Maybe it’s the relentlessness of it.  It’s an every single day obligation and that doesn’t leave much room for restoration.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry to do this for my dad.  I was fortunate to have two wonderful parents and I feel lucky to be able to care for them in the last phases of their lives.  But, there are no days off. 

 I spoke with one of my dad’s brothers the other day.  He was gushing about how wonderful it was that my brother and I were taking care of our dad.  I wanted to say, ‘Wonderful for you since you don’t have to do anything.’ But of course I didn’t. 

 My brother and I are committed to seeing this through to the end.  I don’t know how long that will be, but I am counting on getting my mojo back after the old man is gone.  Fingers crossed, eh?

Springtime and Senescence

 Hello Lovely Internet Friends!

It is Spring and flowers are beginning to show their glorious petals here in the PNW.  I had planned to post some pictures but the crank fell off the aged laptop and it's all too much.  You'll just have to trust me on this one.  Here's what I have seen around these parts:

Camellia, forsythia, snow drops, crocus, daffodil, hellebore, probably some others, and now the cherry blossoms are starting.  Cherry blossoms and plum blossoms which people often confuse, but both are starting to bloom and it's all a delight.

It's still chilly and wet here.  We had a couple of days where temps rose to 60 degrees fahrenheit and everyone rushed outside and basked like lizards.  Then it snowed again.  Oh, just a dusting this time, as opposed to the February storm where they predicted a dusting and we got nearly a foot.  How fun it must be to work as a weather prognosticator.  Do they have special dice, do you think?

I have a new job, of sorts.  It's unpaid and it's every day.  My brother has finally acknowledged that he can't take care of our father all on his own.  He moved in with the old guy several months ago (maybe a year?) but being mostly deaf, he doesn't always hear it when Dad gets up and wanders off.  A month or so ago Dad decided to take a walk early one morning.  He wasn't wearing much - just a t-shirt, boxers, and a blanket.  He made it the end of the block, crossed the street, and took a tumble partway down the next block.  Thank the Goddess for kind neighbors!  They discovered him lying on the sidewalk, brought out a pillow and another blanket, and called 911.

As it happened, I was on the phone with 911 at the same time reporting him missing.  I raced over to the house, picked up my brother, and met the emergency services.  They took him to the hospital to be checked out and amazingly he had no broken bones and no concussion.  He needed a couple of stitches along one eyebrow and the doctor kindly said that he would sew it carefully so that Pop wouldn't be left with a scar.  Lol.  

The tricky thing is that this is the third time that emergency services have had to intervene with our dad. My brother realized that if it continues social services will be called and Dad will be whisked away to a secure facility.  That's not what our dad wants and it's not what we want for him.  We managed to keep our mom at home during her final days and we will do the same with dad.  Fingers crossed.

I've got the day shift.  I go over at 11am when dad is up and having his morning oatmeal.  My brother goes home to his own house and rests and does whatever the heck he does.  I give Dad his lunch, help him to the toilet, chat with him, watch tv with him, and, mostly, watch him sleep.  He sleeps a lot.  That's fine.  He's not much of a conversationalist any more.  His memory is good on ancient history but not good on much else.  Still, he's cheerful and almost always in a good mood.  He remembers who we are.  He's always glad to see us.  It could be much worse.  My brother comes back around 5pm and sorts out dinner and I go home.  

I had thought that this year, post-pandemic, I would finally get around to visiting some friends and relatives.  I had a plan for a big summer car trip circling through the western US with stops at various cousins' houses.  I will have to postpone that trip.  I don't know how long this caretaking gig will last, but I'm in it for the duration.  Well, I'll be taking off a weekend at the end of April to attend the granddaughter's first birthday celebration.  Looking forward to that!

So, that's what's going on around here.  Meanwhile, the sun is breaking through the clouds and it looks like it will be at least partly sunny today.  More rain in the forecast for tomorrow but such is life in this well-watered region.

Have a beautiful day, friends!

How does time do that?

I'm not sure if you noticed, but it is December. Almost a week into December, in fact. If time is not linear, can I circle back and have a redo on some parts of it??? It's been a busy few months, to be sure. I have been up and down to the Seattle area quite a few times since the wee one was born. I've also been busy with house and yard stuff but those weren't interesting projects. I had to hire someone to prune 'the giant shrub' in the back yard. It's at least 20 feet tall and way beyond my reach, same with the giant rhododendron in the front. As my mom used to say, 'If it grows at all here, it'll grow like a champ.' 

 Did I tell you that my best neighbors moved? Broke my poor heart to lose them. Donna had just reached her limit with the bs here in this country. She worked in the public school system and said, 'I don't want to teach active shooter drills to kindergarteners.' Can't blame her, really. The gun epidemic is frightening. So, they moved back to Canada. Not to Edmonton, where the husband was from and where they lived before. Now they live in Kelowna. I'm happy for them that they are loving it, but I miss them terribly and my life has gotten a lot smaller without the frequent social interaction. I had their little charmer of a dog for nearly four months while they were house hunting. He was great company. But, alas, they came back and picked him up and stole him away from me. I am without a pet for the first time in my life. Feels strange, to be honest. The upside is that I don't have to have a pet sitter when I go out of town. Not sure it's a great trade off though. 

 I completed another NaNoWriMo in November. Wrote a mystery this time. It's not great, but I've tried before and struggled with the plotting. It's not always Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Candlestick! I got to the finish line though, which pleased me. I did, however, leave my characters stranded at the end. Perhaps I'll go back and give them the decent conclusion that they deserve. 

 Debra, She Who Seeks, and the 8th Day Planner have reminded me that I could put the seasonal decorations up. I need to haul the ladder out to the front porch and sort out the sparkle lights - some strings are dead and new ones are needed. Maybe even put up the tree and decoration... if I feel so moved. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth the bother. 

Here are some pics of the giant shrub. It's a mock orange - Philadelphus lewisii.

Before and After. Donna for scale. Lol. 

The youngster is doing well. She's on the small side (except for her head!) but seems to be meeting developmental milestones. She is a cheerful baby and makes us all so happy. Not that she doesn't have her moments, I mean, she's human after all. But, she is amazing and her parents (and the whole family) are all smitten. Here is a current picture of the little darling. Love!

Back Home after the Big Event

Everything turned out just fine. Whew! My daughter gave birth to a healthy baby girl and the whole family is delighted. Charlotte Elizabeth (wt 7.7, length 19") hit all the average markers. We are relieved at that since her father has a genetic disorder which could have had profound effects. So far all good. Once they were home from the hospital, we got into a routine. Zoe would be up and down with the baby all night and then in the morning I would hold her for a few hours while Z got some sleep. Now I'm missing that morning snuggle time! They have had to supplement breast feeding with formula as the supply wasn't yet up to the demand (as it were). Well, you know what that means. Of all the times for there to be a nationwide shortage of baby formula! One morning I went to 4 stores to search out what we needed. I can't imagine what it is like for families who have no other option. What a nightmare. In fact, I talked to some parents while we stood in front of empty shelves or waited for the store clerk to bring the keys to unlock the cabinet. That's right, in some stores baby formula is now under lock and key. On the good news front, both parents are absolutely in love with their baby girl. I knew Zoe would be but I wasn't sure about her man. Thankfully, he passed the grandmother administered test. He didn't know that he was being tested, so he couldn't fake it to get a passing grade. I was going to post a couple of photos, but I'm having computer issues. I hope to have that sorted out soon. Now I am home and feeling a little at loose ends. I've got plenty to do around the place but I'm finding my attention is drawn northward. I suppose that's natural. I told the kid to get her man on board with moving somewhere that has a mother-in-law unit. She's in favor of it and he says that he is too, but he is dragging his feet. We've got some time, but... tick tock! That's all I've got for now. I'll try to post a picture soon... Cheers!

Now we are waiting...

 I'm heading up to the Seattle area today.  Going to help the Kid get some stuff in order before the Big Event.  She has asked me to sort out her linen closet and laundry room, and help get the baby's room in order.  I'm also taking a few things up that she left here.

We had a baby shower for her at the end of March.  My two buddies came up for that - in fact, they did most of the organizing for it.  It was a small event, my two pals, me and the Kid, the neighbor, my cousin, and one friend from work.  All the other guests were on Zoom.  We had a pregnant woman and an immune compromised woman in attendance and while the mask mandate has expired the virus has not.  Doesn't hurt to be careful.

The only thing that Zoe asked for was books.  She received quite a variety!  There are so many new and wonderful books for small children out there!  I was hoping that the other mums who she knows would have a great selection of new reading material and I was not disappointed.  There's even one with a bi-racial gay dad couple.  Big thumbs up from this grandmother!  Seriously, though, I need to find some baby books with lesbian grannies...  if any of you have seen one, let me know!

Of course, she also got a bunch of other stuff.  Super cute clothes, practical baby gear, stuff that I have absolutely no idea what it is for...  good thing that Zoe's on top of all of the new stuff.  There is so damned much equipment involved in childrearing!  

I'm planning on being there for several days.  Then I'll come home and wait until I get the call for the big event.  Originally the baby was due in early May but the doctors have moved the date up a couple of times.  Once because of measurements and once because of Zoe's blood pressure.  It's borderline too high and they don't want to take a chance of her developing pre-eclampsia.  So, now they are inducing labor on the 21st of April.  That's just two weeks away!!!  

Zoe and her husband have asked me to come up and stay when they bring the baby home.  They are nervous, naturally.  I'm sure they won't need me for as long as they think they will (Rob asked if I could come for a month, lol).  But, I'm happy to help.  I think that I'll mostly be doing things like walking the dog, cooking dinners and washing clothes, but that's cool.  I'm super rusty when it comes to infants!  I've only had one and it was quite some time ago...  what if I have forgotten everything?  Just something else to worry about.

I'm also going to cook and freeze some meals for when I leave.  Nothing says I love you like a pan of enchiladas!  They live too far from civilization to have those meal prep services delivered so I'll prepare in the old school way.  Frozen casseroles to the rescue!  Lol.

That's all I've got for now.  I'm looking forward to getting some stuff done for the Kid -- she'll be busy real soon!

Cheers!

Damn it all to Hell

 Because things aren't shitty enough, my beautiful companion Pierre is leaving for the rainbow bridge.  The house call vet is coming this afternoon.

I took him to the vet on Friday to get something for a skin irritation that wouldn't go away.  They did a blood work panel that showed sky high thyroid levels.  I contacted the specialist vet to discuss treatment but before I could even get an appointment he took a steep downward turn.

Wednesday he stopped eating.  Thursday I could only get him to have some tuna and tuna water.  He is unsteady on his feet, drooling, and just looks really bad.  This morning he had a little more tuna water but can barely stand.  I can't let him linger in this condition.

I adopted him from the county shelter in 2011, right after my mom died.  He's approximately 16 or so years old.  We've had a wonderful decade together.  He is a loving and lovable character who enjoys spending time curled up next to his human.  He loves to be brushed and I doubt any cat has been brushed as much as this one.  He likes to lie next to me and rest his chin on my ankle.

He has helped me get through this stupid pandemic.  Not sure who I'm going to talk to now...  probably still Pierre.  I'm really going to miss him. I think it was George Carlin who called pets 'furry little tragedies'.  That's sure true.

Au revoir, my lovely Pierre.  

December? Already?

The end is nigh.  End of the calendar year, of course.  The end of civilization is already under way.  Soon, the end of life on this rotating rock will be the topic du jour.  But, enough of the doomsaying!  What about the winter holidays!?!

The Solstice is getting closer, a time to thank the Goddess for the gift of light.  It's dark and dreary here lately what with the short days and the incessant rain.  I'm not actually complaining about the rain.  We need every drop of it, and we need snow on the mountains.  I learned a new word, a Scottish word, that perfectly describes the weather here: dreich.  Cold, dark, rainy and dreary.  Scotland and the Pacific Northwest have some things in common.  Lol.

Here are the pleasant updates, pleasant for me anyway.

I finished the writing challenge.  National Novel Writing Month asks participants to write 50,000 words during the month of November.  It's the tenth year I have done so!  This year's effort was a fantasy story involving a cadre of Nature deities defeating Eris and her nephews in their attempt to break open the radioactive storage containers at the Hanford nuclear site and poison the mighty Columbia river and everything around it.  In my stories, the good guys always win.  (Really, the good gals, since the majority of my characters are female.  A writer's prerogative, and a lesbian prerogative.)

Here's the really big news:

The Kid is pregnant!  She is having a girl in early May!  I am happy because she is happy.  I mean, yes, it will be fun, and gift giving holidays will be super fun.  There is an element of existential dread here, though.  If she had never reproduced, I would only have her to worry about.  Now I will have to worry about a future generation.  Can one worry from beyond the grave?  I'm not sure, but I'll attempt to let you all know at some indefinite time in the (hopefully) distant future.  I have always, always cared about the planet, but now I have to care about it for infinity.  That's exhausting!  Oh, well, in the immediate time frame we have something fun to look forward to.  So, there's that.

Cheers, women!  I hope your December is full of happiness and health, and a blessed return of the Light.  

Ten

 It's been ten years since my mom died.  Here's what I texted to my immediate family:

Today is the ten year anniversary of the death of our beloved matriarch.

First of all: I can't believe it's been that long.

Second: ten years has not dulled the pain of that loss. 

Third: I am grateful to have had her as long as I did.

Fourth: I know I don't grieve alone.

I made an apple cake this morning.  I'm going to take a chunk over to Grampy and Walter later.  I'm not sure if they are marking the occasion but I am.  I need a little bit of acknowledgement of our profound loss.  Not sure I'll get it from them. But, in my heart, we are all united in singing her praises, telling funny stories, and keeping alive her memory. But that's just in my heart. Mostly likely I'll be celebrating her on my own. But, I WILL celebrate the amazing person that was my mother.

(Steps off soapbox)

Xoxox  xoxox  xoxox'

#

To their everlasting credit, they all responded to my text immediately.  It's true that I don't suffer her loss alone.  We all feel it.  We all mourn her.  I guess there is a comfort in being able to share a memory of someone dear with a person who knew them.  Some kind of shared spark of memory.  A connection.

Ok, well, I'm going to get ready to go to my dad's.  See ya!

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

 Finally.  It was a long six weeks, but I'm home.

Lisa continues to do well.  Her new kidney is working like a champ.  No sign of hepatitis C, happily.  All the things they test for are within normal range.  And, for the first time in decades, she is no longer anemic!  Bonus!  She's still got a lot of follow up.  It is beginning to taper off, though.  She has reached the point where she only has to go in once every two weeks, so that's a huge improvement.  Everything is pointing in the right direction.

Back here in Portland, autumn is in full swing.  Leaves changing color and piling up, temperatures dropping, days very much shorter.  I have loads of stuff to catch up on.  But, it's all the normal stuff and it feels good to be futzing around at home.

My next goal is to get my dad a booster shot, and one for my brother and me.  Dad had Pfizer, I think, so that won't be difficult.  Brother and I had J&J, so we're in a holding pattern.  But, we'll get it done.  I do feel bad about getting a booster when so much of the world hasn't gotten even one shot yet, but I don't want to jeopardize my dad's continued survival. 

What else is going on?  Nothing.  Ahhhhhh......  

Progress Report

 Things are going well down here in SoCal.  Lisa continues to heal.  She is gaining in mobility and oxygen capacity.  She's moving better.  Her kidney is working like a champ.  Dialysis is very hard on the body so there is a long recovery period from that in addition to the recovery from major surgery.  

We are now back in Long Beach.  Her in-person appointments have decreased from four per week to just one.  We will drive down to San Diego on Monday, stop at the lab for a blood draw and urine test, and then wait several hours for the clinic appointment.  After that, it's back to the LBC.  I will driver her down two times and then she'll be on her own.  Fingers crossed!  Actually, she might enlist the help of her neighbor for a while.  The hard part is that she can't eat before the blood draw.  A two hour drive on an empty stomach first thing in the morning (or longer, depending on traffic), is not something to look forward to with delight.  Still, it beats living in a hotel.

I'll be returning home on the 12th.  I cannot wait!  I don't like being away from home for long periods of time (especially this long!)  And, honestly, no matter how great the friendship, 6 weeks makes it wear thin.  We've had a small handful of spats but gotten over them quickly.  Still, for someone who lives alone and isn't the most social of individuals, it is taxing.  But, it's almost over.  I can see the finish line from here.  Wish me luck!

On Duty

 It has finally happened!  Lisa got her kidney!

We are in San Diego as she had the transplant at UCSD.  We will be here for 6 weeks.  Yes, six long weeks of labs and clinic appointments and all sorts of mind-bending health regimens.  The medication routine is daunting, to say the least.  But, while we feel completely at sea this week, my hope is that we manage to get to a point where the routine becomes just that, routine.  In 6 weeks, if all goes well, she will be reduced to once a month appointments and will be able to return home to Long Beach.  At that point I will be able to return home to Portland.  

We are so grateful to the 30 year old IV drug user who signed an organ donor card.  It doesn't matter that they had Hepatitis C, because that is now curable.  But, the gift of an organ is a profound thing.  It will literally change Lisa's life.  She has been on dialysis for six years and in ever-worsening health.  Last year was touch and go for her survival.  This gift of a kidney will allow her to live again, rather than just survive and hang on.  I definitely tear up thinking about the immensity of the gift.

We are staying in a hotel a few miles from the hospital.  She was discharged yesterday and is still in considerable pain.  Fingers crossed that she heals quickly!  (Fingers also crossed that we don't drive each other crazy in the meantime!)

My friend Katy is keeping Pierre for the duration.  What a huge mitzvah that is!  She doesn't currently have a pet and misses having a cat around the house.  Happily, Pierre likes her and tolerates her grandchildren.  It's working out well so far.  Thank you so much Katy!

My neighbor is watching the house, bringing in the mail, watering the plants, and that sort of thing.  What would I do without good friends and neighbors?  These personal connections are essential!

I've got to post this and get going.  There are medical things to take care of...  yuck!

Cheers, women!

No Good Deed

 Hey Women,

I hope you are all alive and vaccinated and still wearing your masks.  Yes, I am all those things and I'm not going to pussyfoot around and pretend that it's ok to be otherwise.  Tired of it!  Yet, despite being tired of it, the virus is still here.  But, enough of that.  Moving on.

So, I just got back from another stint down at my friend's ranch.  Let me tell you about it.

First of all, my two besties and my daughter and I had planned a get together for July of 2020.  Obviously that was postponed.  But, now that we were all vaccinated we decided that it was time for our weekend meet up.  We can't do more than a weekend because Lisa needs dialysis 3 times per week, but a weekend was better than nothing and we were ready for some fun.

The Kid and I drove down to the Bay Area of California together.  Honestly, that was one of the highlights of the trip.  Ten hours in the car with my favorite person in the world!  She lives outside of Seattle, which isn't far from Portland, but we haven't seen each other much in the last 18 months.  Obvs.  So, the weekend started off very well.  She's an excellent travel companion.

We stayed with our friend KA for one night and then went to Capitola for a night at a B&B.  Great fun. Just being together with people that you love is a balm for the soul. We drove up the coast from Capitola to Half Moon Bay and it was glorious.  The fog was hanging over the ocean and it was cool and breezy.  The scenery is that of my childhood and the scents took me back.  Trips to the beach, camping in the woods, eating at quirky coastal restaurants.  It all came flooding back.

We spent another night at KA's house and then Lisa and the Kid had to fly home.  My plan had been to spend the second half of the week at the ranch, visiting the rancher and helping out with chores.  So much for planning, right?

During my weekend with the besties, I got a text from the rancher's friend that she was in the hospital. She's had various health issues over the years so it's not the first time she's landed in the ER.  This sounded like a bowel obstruction.  She's been having increasing difficulty eating and keeping food down but, like so many of us, she hates going to the doctor.

They diagnosed her with constipation and sent her home with laxatives.  As if she hadn't already tried that on her own.  The next day she was back at the hospital and this time was admitted and taken to surgery.  She has some sort of fibrous growth in part of her GI tract.  The surgeon tried removing it laparoscopically and ended up perforating her bowel.  Now she had an abdominal infection, pneumonia, and still a blocked pipe.  She's still in the hospital, two weeks later.  She's just graduated to semi-solid food and while she's keeping it down, nothing is coming out the other end.

Meanwhile, until I arrived at the ranch, a group of her local friends were taking turns feeding the 200 sheep.  I told them to stand down while I was there and they could draw up a new schedule when I had to return home.  I asked my pet sitter how long she could take care of my fine feline and she gave me an extra ten days or so.

So, I'm at the ranch, holding down the fort, wrestling bales of hay and endlessly refilling water troughs in temperatures over 100f.  That's ok.  I knew what I was in for and while I was tired and sore and sweaty I felt good about helping my friend.  

We've been friends for 50 years.  That's a long time. I know all her exes.  I know her whole family.  I've visited her mom in the care home.  I've spent weeks at the ranch helping out.  

Remember a few years ago when I went down and cleaned out the back room?  The hoard of vermin infested rubbish that I spent a couple of weeks sorting through and hauling to the dump trailer?  Remember how grateful she was that it was finally dealt with?  Turns out there's another chapter to that story.  

After I returned home, she and her friend took the load to the dump.  But, they didn't just dump it and go home.  They went through the entire load, opening up trash bags and sifting through boxes to make sure that I didn't throw away anything good.  They pulled out a 40 year old vacuum cleaner and the helper took it home.  Never mind that the rancher has three vacuums - that ancient, heavy, filthy one STILL WORKED!  Then, they tore the lining out of some suitcases and discovered that some dollar bills had been hidden inside.  OMG, SHE'S THROWING AWAY MONEY!

I don't know what all they pulled from the trailer and I don't want to know.  

I texted her not long after I arrived at the ranch to ask where the key to her bedroom was.  There was clean laundry to put away and I was trying to straighten up the living room.  She sent a text to her friend, who happened to be at the house with me at the time, saying 'Don't let her in my room!  I don't want her going through my stuff and throwing it out!'

Well, clearly I had underestimated her hoarding.  I had thought that the hoard in the backroom (and in the mom's room) was all the mom's doing.  Not so.  The hoarding appears to be a generational behavior.  She also hoards food.  Not in the way that you see on tv horror shows, she's not walking on a foot deep layer of spoiled food.  But, she shops at Costco and other bulk purchase places and buys like she's going to be under siege.  When I got to the house, there were boxes and bags of food to put away that were just piled on the kitchen floor.  I did a little purge of the pantry and threw away stuff that was clearly unhealthy to eat.  Rearranged a little in order to get the new groceries in.  I mean, does a household of one person 'need' 50 cans of beans?  There were 20 bags of chips in the house.  Cases of stuff, boxes full of stuff.  

When she sent that text saying to keep me out of her room, that hurt me.  I've only ever done work at the ranch that I was asked to do, asked to help out with.  She wanted the back room cleaned out.  Her mom's room was four feet deep everywhere except for a little square of space between the door and the bed.  It's useable now.  Oh, and the back room?  Not quite the disaster zone it had been previously but it is filling fast.

The real kick in the teeth is that she has told her ranch hand friend, her vet friend, and some young woman who just started working for her on an occasional basis that I had thrown away good stuff, that I was ruining things, that I had forced her to throw away valuable belongings and that I would try to keep doing it.  A lifetime friendship is what is being thrown away, and not by me.

I'm sorry to say that I called her in the hospital and told her that I was upset and that she had hurt me by saying these things.  I told her that I had never felt so unwelcome at anyone's home and especially hers. She said, 'I don't know what the ranch hand has told you but I...' and I said, no, don't blame him.  He's just telling the truth.  Plus, you've said these things to the vet and the youngster.  You've thrown me under the bus.  

I apologized for bringing it up while she was ill and in the hospital.  I said that we would talk about it when she got out and was feeling better.  

I went to see her at the hospital the next day and took the quilt that I had made for her.  She was apathetic about it.  I said, well, I usually get a more enthusiastic response when I give someone a handmade quilt, but I understand that you are sick.  I took it back to the house and left it on her bed.  (Because, yes, I did get the key to the bedroom, I did put her clean laundry in there, and no, I did not touch anything in her room, which has a pathway from the door to the bed.)

So, it's true what they say: No good deed goes unpunished.  I'm still angry and hurt but I'm gaining a little perspective.  I most certainly will not help her with cleaning out her hoard again.  And, I likely won't go back down to help with the sheep.  There are a lot of related issues that I haven't reported here but the bottom line for me is that I need to draw a boundary and enforce it.  I've been a good friend over the decades and in recent years I never counted the lack of reciprocity or the one-sided nature of our exchanges.  I mean, when your friend needs help, you help them, right?  I certainly wasn't keeping score.  But, then when they shit on you, you call a halt to the interaction.  

Now I am home and resting.  My body is aching from the back breaking work but my muscles are starting to ease up.  I'm still waking up at 5:00 am but hope to get to a more normal retired person schedule eventually.  I think I'll go take a walk and let the breeze carry some of my angst away.  Thanks for reading, women!

2021 - Or, So What?

 So, here we are, late in February 2021.  Looks a lot like the previous half year or so.  Well, more people are wearing masks, so that's a good thing.  Some of us are double masking.  Still some idiots who won't wear one.  I wish that damned virus was more selective.

In weather news, we survived that damned storm.  We had snow and ice in alternating layers.  Snow is fine.  Ice is not.  While it's not Texas, we lost power in many parts of my city.  Mine was out for two nights.  My dad and brother also had outages and spent one night here at my house.  I was so glad that I have a gas stove!  There were multiple cups of hot tea, lol.  Some rural parts of the greater metro area  are still without power.

Temperatures are warming, though.  I saw some daffodils starting to come out in a neighbor's yard.  I found the first violet in my yard as I was cleaning up fallen tree branches.  A sign of spring, most welcome.  We've had a lot of rain since the snow/ice storm but there are some sunny days in the forecast.  Good, I'm ready for a little natural vitamin D.

In other news, I managed to get my 85 year old father an appointment for his first covid vaccine.  Hallelujah!  It was no small feat, let me tell you.  Hours spent online and on the phone over multiple days.  It is incredibly difficult.  I don't see how the elderly can be expected to work their way through the (lack of a) system.  My dad wouldn't have been able to do it, not by a long shot.  Even my brother (who is younger than I am) would not have been able.  But, it's done.  And the second dose was scheduled when he received the first, so that's good.  I don't expect to be eligible for one until April or May unless supply ramps up considerably.  How about you all?  Have you been vaccinated or at least been able to make an appointment?

My friend Lisa is fully vaccinated and I am very grateful for that.  She was far too vulnerable.  She said that she really feels like a weight of fear has been lifted.  She is still being very cautious, of course, but now feels like it is ok to go to the grocery store (masked) instead of getting everything delivered.  

In more mundane news, T has found a new girlfriend.  I think this one might be good!  She lives in Oregon, which is a relief as they can drive to see each other on the weekends.  She is gainfully employed, a big plus.  So far it doesn't seem like she has a lot of baggage.  I haven't met her yet but I am very hopeful.  T is happy and that's the best thing.  Also, she has stopped calling me every morning and that is the second best thing.  Lol.

As someone who craves solitude, the pandemic has perhaps been easier for me than others.  But I am growing restless.  I want to visit my daughter, or have her visit me.  I want to see my friends, and hug them.  I want to go out for a burger and tots with my neighbor.  I want to take a road trip to see my cousins.  I love my house, my yard, my neighborhood but... I am ready to see something else.  Some days the depression takes hold and I can't even read a book.  I can't even play solitaire on my phone.  I just sit and stare out the window and try not to think.  Ugh.  Those days are dark.  I know that I should get up and take a walk when I feel like that, but nothing could be harder.  Still, the daylight increases and, Goddess willing, my mood will lighten.  

In a moment of hopefulness, I bought a day-use parking pass to the Oregon State Park system.  When this drenching rain lets up, I will force myself to go outside and hike (or at least walk!) in this beautiful place I call home.  If the weather reporters are right, that could be next week.  Fingers crossed!

Stay strong, women!  Someday this epoch will end.

December, at last

 It wasn't a sure thing, but we've made it to December.  I'd cheer, but nothing is over yet, not this terrible year, not the terrible pandemic, not the terrible political situation, ETC!  Still, it's December and it feels as if we might make it through.  Somehow.

Ok, that sounds dire.  But, it all feels kind of dire, doesn't it?  You'll get no Pollyanna sentiments from me this time.  

In November, I spent two more weeks down in the Southland rendering aid to my buddy.  She had to go in for yet another surgery.  Talk about a rough year.  Fingers crossed that her health status is stable for a while.  She needs to get her strength back so that she can have a transplant.  

I'm not much in the mood for the winter holiday.  There is just one week left until the Solstice.  I put up some of the seasonal decorations, more out of a feeling of determination rather than cheerful excitement.  I guess it's my 'Fuck you, Virus! You can't take this away from me!' moment.  

Still, a vaccine is coming.  A new president is coming.  There may be other good things on the horizon.  I'm trying to hold the good thought, no matter how difficult.  It's a challenge!

Stay healthy, friends!  Stay in your bubbles, wear your masks, wash your hands.  Strength, resilience, and sheer determination will get us through.  That, and science.

Friends Outdoors

 Hello Women!

My friend Angela invited me over this last weekend to test out her new outdoor socializing set up.  It was a chilly and windy day here in the Rose City.  We have gotten together at her place a couple of times during the pandemic.  Outside, under the awning, spread apart by well over 6 feet.  A couple of times I have gone over for a game of dice and we sit on diagonally opposite corners of her patio table.  It feels reasonably safe, I hope we are not disillusioned!  

So, Saturday.  The temperature was in the low 40's and the wind was gusting heartily.  I know that those of you from the Great White North would scoff at these conditions, but we are delicate flowers!  I bundled up for outdoor weather which meant adding more layers to my indoor bundlage.  Long sleeve t-shirt, hoodie, puffy coat, scarf, hat.  (My indoor layers are the same minus the scarf and puffy coat.)  Jeans, thick socks, shoes.  I didn't put on any long johns this time but I might in the future.

Angela has purchased a table top outdoor heather (infrared, not propane) and it served well to keep our face and hands warm.  She also purchased a heater to go under the table to keep the legs warm.  In addition, she bought a pair of heated throw blankets.  It's a lot of gear, but it worked!  We also cups of hot tea which warm the insides and the hands.  We were able to sit comfortably outside for a couple of hours.  We sat and talked and played two rounds of farkle.  Good to know that we can still safely get together despite the virus and the weather.  At least, until the weather gets significantly worse... which it will!  This is more of a fall and spring accommodation.  

I hope you are all finding ways to connect with friends or far-flung family.  I tend to be something of a hermit anyway, but there's a difference between choosing to be alone and not having the choice.

Cheers, m'dears!

Back and Resting

 Well, I'm back.  

So nice to be home!  So nice to be somewhere green!  So nice to need a hoodie!  I've missed the PNW.

Lisa is now well on the way to reasonably good health.  She is driving herself to and from dialysis and even going to the grocery store.  She is being very careful about masking and distancing, but enjoys getting out of the house (don't we all).  I knew she was ready for me to go when she started getting snippy with me.  Lol.  It's a sign of health!  I say that with great affection.  She is hugely, profoundly grateful for the care that I and KA gave her as she recovered from this medical nightmare.  

On my way home, I spent a long weekend at the ranch.  Ouch.  After a fairly sedentary stretch of time with Lisa, the long days of physical work on the ranch were a shock to the system!  I came home with bruises and exhaustion, and a cooler full of lamb.  Still, there is something very satisfying about working outside in the relatively fresh air.  

And now I'm home.  I have dozens of delayed chores and tasks to get done before it's all rain, all the time.  I'm just in time for leaf raking, the trees are beginning to turn.  My negligible garden needs to be put to bed (all those volunteer tomatoes!).  There are still huckleberries to pick, and lots of jam to be made.  The jam can wait for inclement weather but I'd rather prune and rake and dig in the fleeting sunshine.

My big kitty was happy to see me but not overly effusive until last night when he relented and chose to sleep on the bed.  He doesn't hold a grudge long, ordinarily, but this last trip was trying his patience.  He had to put up with Sara for a week, then Zoe, who brought her big male cat, for two weeks, and then good neighbor Donna for a day and a half.  It's too much, I tell you!  I need to stay home for a long stretch.

So, I'm here and I'm chilly.  I left the summerlands in the south where the temperatures were in the 80's and 90's.  Arrived home to temps in the low 60's.  I'll adjust, of course, but it sure feels chilly right now!  

I'd best finish this post and get to work.  I've got a long list!

Cheers!