29 May 2009

A week of introspection

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week about my relationship with T. Cuz, as we all know, it takes two. I can say, “She’s this, she’s that, she’s whatever” but what am I?

Here’s how I see myself: Strong, independent, opinionated, compassionate, generous, smart, hard working, thoughtful…

I’m getting the idea that my friends aren’t seeing me the same way.

I like to think that our relationship is 50/50 in most things. In the important things, anyway. But, it’s not 50/50 if I am always letting her have her way; if I am giving in to her demands. She has a lot of insecurities. I think that I tend to overcompensate to make sure she knows that she is number one with me. But, it’s not healthy to put myself on the back burner all the time. To make sure that she gets what she needs at the expense of taking care of myself.

Oh, it’s not all one way. Don’t get that idea. I get my way plenty of times. But I definitely let her think that she is the boss.

One time, not long after we got together, she said something about being the boss and I said, “Only because I let you be the boss.” She didn’t really like that. But, that’s how the dynamic works. Only with my consent; not by right, or might, or anything else, but only because I let you.

So, here’s what I’m thinking. It’s time for me to reassert my individuality. To do the things that I like to do that have nothing to do with her. I’ve invited her numerous times to try out my martial art and she is not interested. That’s ok, I don’t need her to participate for me to continue training. But, when she complains that I don’t do things with her, it’ll just be too bad ~ cuz you could do what I’m doing but you choose not to. And, when she wants to watch some idiotic program on tv, I’ll just go upstairs and read. Cuz that’s what I like to do.

This weekend I have a bunch of stuff going on at my dojo. I’m going to be there a lot. I’ve already given her a head’s up about it. I’ll be checking for any signs of disgruntlement. I don’t really expect any because she’s got plenty to do herself this weekend. But, I think I am in the process of redefining this relationship. I’d like it work. Time will tell.

1 comment:

Maria said...

I've seen enough relationships to know that they are self defining. What works for one may not work for someone else. Everything depends on the two people in it.