Bittersweet

She who hasn’t tasted the bitter, doesn’t understand the sweet.

Or something like that.

I’m sure you’ve read or heard that one before, I certainly have.  It kept running through my mind last Sunday, Mother’s Day. 

Sweet, yes, because my daughter drove down for a quick visit.  It is always a welcome and restorative occasion when the Kid comes for a visit.  Her leaving can send me into a minor tailspin, but not so much that I don’t want her to visit.

Bitter, because Mother’s Day without your mother is sad.   It just is.  I miss my mom.  I felt so aggrieved and sorry for myself with all of the FB postings of friends getting together with their moms.  Jealous.  Pitiful.  Orphaned.  I did post something about missing my mom, and several people agreed and commiserated.  And, I reached out to a friend whose mother died more recently than mine and let her know that I was thinking about her.  But, still… 

It’s now the Wednesday after Mother’s Day and I should have bounced back by now.  But, it’s gray and rainy and my job is a mess and my apathy is growing exponentially.  I don’t know if I need to give myself a stern talking-to or let myself wallow in the emotions.  Well, I’m not really wallowing.  But I’m not trying to dig myself out, either.  Somewhere in the middle, I guess. 

Last week, my therapist suggested that we start working on a big issue that I have been avoiding.  The issue of self worth, of the yardsticks I use to measure myself by, of my persistent belief that I have achieved nothing of worth or value, of my certainty that I am a disappointment to my self and family.  I have no way to reframe those judgments in my mind.  I look at myself and my life and see nothing of note, nothing worth writing home about. 

I guess it’s time to work on that.  It also feels bittersweet – or maybe just bitter.

My apologies for such negativity; I’m feeling down today.  Probably not the best time to be posting…

Solace

The solace of nature and especially the solace of trees, is a well described feeling. One of the few Christian bible verses that I know resonates for me because of that feeling. "I will lift mine eyes unto the hills whence cometh my help."

We lift our eyes to the hills, if they are within view; to the trees, if we have any, or to the sky, if we can see it. We lift our gaze above our surroundings, above that which troubles us. 

I found myself outside last night. It was cool and damp with a light misty rain falling. It was the golden hour, that time when the sun, an hour or so before sunset, gleams, slanting across the city, under the cloud cover. Last night, the very air was golden, the trees glowing. 

I don't understand the how and why of acts of terror. I truly believe that most people's wish is to live in peace, free to pursue their dreams. I can’t understand how blowing up innocent people furthers anyone’s aims. 

And, you know what?  I don’t want to understand that.  I don’t want that knowledge in my head.  I’m ok with remaining ignorant of the why and the how of acts of terror.  Some things are better not known.

I do know this.  When we are shocked or stunned or grieving for any reason, spending some time outside, breathing deeply of the evening air, meditating, watching the wind move the leaves of a beautiful tree, we begin to heal.

I'm Back!

Dear Friends,

It’s been a while, I know.  A matter of months, right?  Well, I’m back.  Mostly. 

I took the time away from reportage to challenge myself to a math course at Portland State University.  I’ve learned some important things!  Like, the slope-intercept formula… good fun, that one!  I can graph a line like a mad woman now.  But, more importantly, I’ve learned this: Math makes me grouchy.

Not disgruntled, not out of sorts, not even really grouchy… I should probably say that Math Pisses Me Off.  Oh, it’s not Math’s fault; it’s not really a fault thing at all.  I should be, and am, irritated with myself for forgetting all of this hard-earned knowledge in the first place.  But, apparently I needed to subject myself to the torture of an 8am, twice a week class with loads of homework (thankfully we’re on the quarter system and not semesters) to really grasp the fact that my aspirations do not lie down the academic path I had envisioned.

All of that being said, I could not spare a single moment to keep you all updated on this hare-brained scheme.  Besides the lack of blogging, I haven’t read a book for pleasure in all this time!  I’m catching up, though.  I’ve read two since the final exam.  Enjoyed the hell out of them, too!*  But, now that I have come to my senses and put aside the notion that I was pursuing, I should be able to get back on the blogging horse and ride, baby, ride!

I would also like to say thank you to those of you who have emailed or messaged me to say, What’s up?  I appreciate that so much!  I’m still around, even though I haven’t even had the time to read your blogs much…  I have some catching up to do.

I also have to do some reevaluating of my plans.  I still want to build my lovely mechanical contraptions but I’ll just have to go about it in a different way. 

There may also be more courses at the University.  I might need to take a nice Literature class to get the bad mathematical taste out of my mouth.  I need to remind myself that I am good at something, dammit!  I was an Honor student, for crying out loud!

I’m not sure what I am doing next, but I’ll keep you posted.

Cheers!

*Monkey Mind, A memoir of anxiety. By Daniel Smith

and,

Mr Penumbra’s 24 Hour Bookstore, by Robin Sloan

Enjoyed them both!

Winter Solstice

I'm ready for the return of the light.  How about you?

This wee poem is a few years old, but still serviceable.

Thoughts on the Winter Solstice

21 December 2006

The sun came up

And the sea of fog brightened

And the milky light of the streetlamps

Paled in the reflective atmosphere

Last night's rain cleared the air

And this morning

The breath of the sea flows in from the west

Yes, it is winter

And again

We move forward into spring

copyright: mine

Happy Solstice, friends.  Let's set an intention for peace and joy worldwide.  We all need it.

Incomprehensible

That's all.

Incomprehensible.

I've got nothing and too much to say about it all.  I couldn't even post this last week because I couldn't take it  all in.  Still can't.

No need to comment.  I know that we all feel it.

Clackamas Town Center

Hi Lovely Blog Readers,

No, I was not shopping at Clackamas, and so far, no reports of family or friends having been at the mall this afternoon either.  I appreciate your concern, but we are all fine.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and everyone involved.  So tragic.  Incomprehensible.

xoxoxo

6 December 2012

Washington State Pride!

Congratulations to all of the same sex couples who lined up at their County buildings in order to receive their official, state sanctioned marriage licenses!

I looked at the news last night and this morning, at the faces full of emotion, and thought, how can anyone say that this is bad or wrong or evil?  The comments on the local news websites were mostly positive but always the sour note creeping in from some troll or another.

My gal is from Vancouver and if we lived over the river we might have celebrated the date differently.  As it is, we cheered from Portland and looked for familiar faces on the news.

T did not bring up the possibility of our getting married.  Whether that's because she doesn't want to or doesn't want to find out that I don't want to, I can't tell.  Also, we live in Oregon, not Washington.  And, the whole marriage thing is gesture until we have federal recognition.  We already file joint taxes in Oregon since we are registered domestic partners.  Is it enough?  Hell no.  I don't like being denied my rights as a citizen.  Is it going to change?  Of course it is.  Remember that old saying, 'When the people lead, the leaders will follow'?  Eventually, it won't be an issue.

But, do I want to get married?

No.

How about you?

November -- Done!

Hello Friends!  Gosh, I've missed you all!

Made it!  Survived and WON at NaNoWriMo.  I have written over 50,000 words this month, almost all of them about my mom.  And about me and my mom.  And our family.  And, and, and.  It's a lot of words, but it just begins to scratch the surface of what I want to say about her.  Still, it's a start.

What else is going on?

For the last year and a half I have been on my own schedule, stumbling through life.  For the couple of decades before that I had been getting up painfully early to be to work before dawn's early crack.  This let me be home in the afternoon when I was raising the Kid.  Well, when my mom got sick and I started taking care of her in the mornings, I no longer had to set my alarm to get up.  That was nice.  Real nice.  It's now been a year since my darling mumsey left me, but did I go back to my previous early morning schedule?  I did not.  In fact, I forgot how to set my alarm clock!  No kidding.  I had to download instructions online this week.  I had to be to work early one day and I was damned if I could remember how to set the thing.  Ridiculous, I know.  You don't get to toss out the alarm clock until you retire!

One thing I will need the alarm for is to get my lazy ass out of bed and back to the gym.  I stopped going on a regular basis this summer.  We had a big upsurge in busy-ness at work and besides that I was riding my bike to work.  So, I felt ok about not going.  Now, however, the rainy season has set in and I just don't feel like commuting in a downpour, spending all day feeling damp, and then riding home in the pitch black, wet night.  Just doesn't sound like a good time to me.  So, it's back to the gym before work.  Hence the alarm clock and it's mechanical intricacies.

Here's a big thing.  You probably remember from my whining about it that I don't love my job and have made up my mind to explore other options.  I've been giving this topic a lot of thought over the past year or so, and have come to a decision.  I am going to go back to school and get a degree in Engineering.

Let's let that sink in for a minute, shall we?

Engineering.

I can just imagine that stunned look on your faces.

It may sound crazy, and it may indeed be crazy, but I'm going to go for it.  I have some ideas about small scale energy generation and I would like to learn the theory and practice of how to make it work.  Actually, I have some ideas about other projects as well, and I'm really looking forward to taking them beyond the idea phase.  I'm excited about it!

But, engineering requires a whole lot of math.  In my previous scholastic career, I studied plant biology.  There was some math involved in that but I didn't have to go beyond algebra, trigonometry and statistics.  So, I'll have to do calculus.  I AM NOT AFRAID!  She shouted to the Universe...

I'm planning on doing a self-study refresher through the Khan Academy and then I'll take the math placement test at the University.  I am totally cool with repeating the basics because I think it will be important to really understand the nuts and bolts of this stuff.

So, that's what's going on with me in a nutshell.

Just to catch you up on the day to day stuff, here's a little overview of the past month or so.

• The end of October was the one year anniversary of my mom's death.  My daughter came down from Seattle and she and I, my dad and my younger brother got together for a little ... what ... 'acknowledgement' might be the best word for it.  The kid and Pop and I had a lovely tea using all the best china.  Later the kid and Pop and I polished silver together and talked about mumsey.  The last day of her visit was when my brother joined us and we all sat down at the table together.  It wasn't enough for me, but at least it was something.

• Thanksgiving came and went.  We had six at the table and it was generally pleasant.  My dad and brother came, Zoe and her man, and me and T.  I had lots of help in food preparation and everything turned out well.  Sent leftover home with everyone so that we didn't feel obligated to eat all that stuff.

• Speaking of eating, I gained back a couple of pounds over the holiday but overall I am still down 20 pounds since starting Weight Watchers.  Still losing!  Back to the gym should help with that...

• The gf and I are getting along moderately well.  I'll settle for that right now.  We've got that other holiday coming up though and her mom is expecting her to be there.  I don't really feel like going - especially since they don't much like me after my outburst of this summer.  I would stay home, gladly, but T's feelings would be hurt and I don't need to do that.  I am still debating whether or not I can do it.  Undecided.

• New furnace.  Ouch.  The house is nice and toasty warm and we have the latest thing in thermostats (the Nest), but man oh man was that sucker expensive.  Oh the joys of home-ownership.

I think that's it.  The large and small and in between.  I hope you are all doing well.  I've been reading your blogs when I can and when you post... haven't heard from some of you for as long as you haven't heard from me.  I guess it just goes like that sometimes.  

Let's all catch our breath before the next onslaught.  December starts TOMORROW!

Viv ian

Here are some snaps of our adorable vin tage tra iler, Viv ian.  These were taken during our weekend trip to Lincoln City on the Oregon coast.  We went down for Coast Pride, remember?

She is a 1968 Car dinal De luxe.

The interior pictures all turned out too dark, so I'll have take some more for you to see the inside.

:-)

T's New Project

Well, well, well.  October.  Once again, I'm astounded at the passage of time.  I'm taking your advice though, and doing more floating than treading water...  I mean, why make it harder than it needs to be, right? So, floating.  October is floating by.

I thought I'd just give a quick update on the latest thing round our place.  Remember that we have a vintage travel trailer that we love?  The one I still haven't gotten any pictures of to post...  yeah, that one!  Well, we were going to be taking her out one more time this month -- next weekend, in fact, but have had a change in plans.  For one thing, this long stretch of sunny weather is coming to an end, and even though having a trailer means that one can camp in the rain, we're not going.

This summer, T decided that she had done such a wonderful job of rehabbing our trailer that she would look for another one to rebuild as a project.  Sure, I said, that's a good project for you, but where are you going to put it???  Our driveway is far too small and already has a trailer parked in it.  There's no room for a second one.  She made arrangements to park the new trailer over at her mom's house.  There's plenty of room!

So, she found a trailer and bought it for $100.  Probably, the guy should have paid her to haul it off.  Wow, was it rotten inside!  She felt ok about it though because the appliances were worth more than $100, so yeah.  She's been hard at work gutting it out, saving what is salvageable, and rebuilding it from the frame up. I don't know why this is fun for her, but it is.  And, she's doing a fantastic job!  This trailer will be stronger, lighter, and watertight.  All in all a good thing.  But, right now, it's not sealed up and wet weather is on it's way.  So, while we were looking forward to the weekend campout in Bend, no, we'll have to postpone it so that T can get the new trailer buttoned up.

Want to know the very best thing about this project?  It's at her mom's house and she has been spending a lot of time over there.  Which means that I have had lots more time by myself of late and that is a gift.  I know, I make it sound like I don't want to spend time with my partner, it's not that... entirely.  I just don't get enough time alone.  So, this has been really, really nice for me.

What's going on with you this fall?