15 May 2013


She who hasn’t tasted the bitter, doesn’t understand the sweet.

Or something like that.

I’m sure you’ve read or heard that one before, I certainly have.  It kept running through my mind last Sunday, Mother’s Day. 

Sweet, yes, because my daughter drove down for a quick visit.  It is always a welcome and restorative occasion when the Kid comes for a visit.  Her leaving can send me into a minor tailspin, but not so much that I don’t want her to visit.

Bitter, because Mother’s Day without your mother is sad.   It just is.  I miss my mom.  I felt so aggrieved and sorry for myself with all of the FB postings of friends getting together with their moms.  Jealous.  Pitiful.  Orphaned.  I did post something about missing my mom, and several people agreed and commiserated.  And, I reached out to a friend whose mother died more recently than mine and let her know that I was thinking about her.  But, still… 

It’s now the Wednesday after Mother’s Day and I should have bounced back by now.  But, it’s gray and rainy and my job is a mess and my apathy is growing exponentially.  I don’t know if I need to give myself a stern talking-to or let myself wallow in the emotions.  Well, I’m not really wallowing.  But I’m not trying to dig myself out, either.  Somewhere in the middle, I guess. 

Last week, my therapist suggested that we start working on a big issue that I have been avoiding.  The issue of self worth, of the yardsticks I use to measure myself by, of my persistent belief that I have achieved nothing of worth or value, of my certainty that I am a disappointment to my self and family.  I have no way to reframe those judgments in my mind.  I look at myself and my life and see nothing of note, nothing worth writing home about. 

I guess it’s time to work on that.  It also feels bittersweet – or maybe just bitter.

My apologies for such negativity; I’m feeling down today.  Probably not the best time to be posting…