15 May 2013


She who hasn’t tasted the bitter, doesn’t understand the sweet.

Or something like that.

I’m sure you’ve read or heard that one before, I certainly have.  It kept running through my mind last Sunday, Mother’s Day. 

Sweet, yes, because my daughter drove down for a quick visit.  It is always a welcome and restorative occasion when the Kid comes for a visit.  Her leaving can send me into a minor tailspin, but not so much that I don’t want her to visit.

Bitter, because Mother’s Day without your mother is sad.   It just is.  I miss my mom.  I felt so aggrieved and sorry for myself with all of the FB postings of friends getting together with their moms.  Jealous.  Pitiful.  Orphaned.  I did post something about missing my mom, and several people agreed and commiserated.  And, I reached out to a friend whose mother died more recently than mine and let her know that I was thinking about her.  But, still… 

It’s now the Wednesday after Mother’s Day and I should have bounced back by now.  But, it’s gray and rainy and my job is a mess and my apathy is growing exponentially.  I don’t know if I need to give myself a stern talking-to or let myself wallow in the emotions.  Well, I’m not really wallowing.  But I’m not trying to dig myself out, either.  Somewhere in the middle, I guess. 

Last week, my therapist suggested that we start working on a big issue that I have been avoiding.  The issue of self worth, of the yardsticks I use to measure myself by, of my persistent belief that I have achieved nothing of worth or value, of my certainty that I am a disappointment to my self and family.  I have no way to reframe those judgments in my mind.  I look at myself and my life and see nothing of note, nothing worth writing home about. 

I guess it’s time to work on that.  It also feels bittersweet – or maybe just bitter.

My apologies for such negativity; I’m feeling down today.  Probably not the best time to be posting…


8thday said...

Oh, how I know that bittersweet feeling. I am with you in the "I miss my mom" self-pity party.

As for the rest, I have just returned from the mountains, exhausted, and am heading for my soft, warm, clean, dry bed. I will email you tomorrow.

For now, know that I am sending hugs. Huge hugs. And know that I think the world of you. And how much your advice and counsel and support have gotten me over some tough hurdles. So if you measure your worth by the impact you've had on others, count yourself a superstar.

More tomorrow. Much love e. Sending so much love.

Anonymous said...

I so understand missing your mom on mother's day. Even years later, it's one of those days that you cannot help but miss her. In part it means you were lucky to have such a good mom. It doesn't get less, but it gets easier with time.

I am also right there with you on the self-worth. I'm actually (selfishly) glad you posted this, because struggling with self-value can be so hard and you can feel as though you're the only person on earth having those feelings. This is a huge issue for me at the moment. I don't know if it helps to know you aren't alone, but you aren't.

For what it's worth, you are one of my very favourite people I've had the luck to meet online. You are razor-sharp smart, wise, with a very kind and compassionate heart and an extremely giving. Like 8th, I think the world of you and value you tremendously.

Hugs & love.


the only daughter said...

Pity loves a party? Well, so should PRAISE! I echo the thoughts and sentiments raised by 8th and Em.

I count myself quite lucky to have made your acquaintance.

♥ ♥ ♥

e said...

Oh jeez, youse guys. I wasn't looking for all of that lovin' but I'll take it! Thank you for the affirmations.

I almost didn't post this because, come on, Pollyanna! I feel that it is more important to share good things and feel like you're helping rather than sharing sadness and bringing people down. But, it is an accurate picture of how I feel right now and who better to share with than my stalwart and supportive on line community? So, thank you. Thank you for chiming in and sharing back and reminding me that we all go through stuff...

If it's going to be a pity party AND a praise party, let's bust open the imaginary champagne and toast each other. Here's looking at you! Slainte!

...feeling a little better already...

Anonymous said...

I think the feeling down days are the days that deserve a post the most. I forgot how much having a blog helped on those days.

I like that you aren't digging yourself out right now. It's so much harder to stay and feel all of it, but sooo much healthier in the long run.

I don't know what the pain of losing a mother feels like but I can tell you that I recognized how lucky I was on Sunday. I don't take it for granted, not for a moment.