Family Eruption

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of women's safety in contemporary America.  Could get ugly.

Just when you think that everything is going along swimmingly...  a shark fin is spotted in the harbor!
What the heck does that mean?  Well, I thought that everything was going really well with my dad and the teenager and then shit blew up this weekend.  Sigh.

Actually, everything is still going well with my dad and the teenager, it's my younger brother who is the problem.  Here's how it went down:

Friday afternoon I got a text from the niece asking if I would call Gramps and let him know that she could get herself home from work on her own.  I asked, 'What's going on?'  Turns out my brother, not her father but the other brother, has decided that it is too much trouble to pick her up at the transit center (or work) when she has a late shift.  He says that it's too hard on the grandfather to stay up past 9:00 pm.  Mind you, the grandfather did not say this, only his pampered son.  AND, it was her first day on the job.

The transit center is not far from their house, but it is a dangerous place in the dark, with all sorts of miscreants, punks and homeless people hanging out and relative isolation physically from the rest of the community.  You have to cross a bridge and descend a stair to a platform alongside the tracks and overlooking the freeway -- there is no street access or businesses nearby, it's very isolated.

So, my brother decided that it was too late for our dad to go out at night, and he certainly couldn't be bothered to shift his lazy ass off the couch to pick up the kid, so she'd have to get herself home after her work shift ended at 9:15.

I AM SO ANGRY WITH MY BROTHER!  AND MY DAD!  AND MY OTHER BROTHER!

Fucking straight white men and their fucking straight white man PRIVILEGE!  My blood was boiling!  It's still at an active simmer!

Not a one of them has ever been afraid.  Not a one of them has ever been threatened.  Not a one of them has had to endure the hidden violence of cat-calling, of being followed, of being accosted while waiting for a bus or a train.  They haven't been shoved up against a wall while some man presses his engorged dangly bits against them.  They haven't had to deal with the realistic fear of being young and female in the city (or anywhere).  They have never been raped.  They are so fucking oblivious!  And entitled!

The first thing I texted back to my niece was: I will pick you up at work.  I don't want her to have to quit her job because she has no one to rely on within her family.  I don't care if she works or not, that's not my issue, but I don't want her world restricted to the daylight hours and the small safe zone she has around the house.  How many of us have had to conquer that in our lifetimes?  I remember back in the 1970's when my mom picked me up at the school bus stop in the car when I had late practice in high school.  It was about a tenth of a mile; we could have counted our steps between the two spots, but it was along a main road with no houses or businesses within sight or earshot and my mom didn't feel that it was safe for me to walk home in the dark.  All I can say now is, Thank you, Mom, for being worried about me.  I will gladly continue to pay that forward.

*** Take a breath.  I need to as well. ***

I'm mad at my younger brother.  Full stop.  I'm frustrated with my dad and older brother (father of the kid).  There are multiple layers of angst rearing up in my family right now, and some of them are extremely unsettling, but one thing ties the three adult men in the family together: their willful blindness to the peril women face on a daily basis.  If they lived a week in our shoes, they wouldn't begin to understand what we have known since childhood: the world will hurt you.  There are bad people who seek to control and debase you.  Every action will be judged and found wanting.  Do not talk; dress; act; look; behave; speak; (etc) that way, or pay the consequences.  It doesn't matter how nice, quiet, sweet, unassuming, invisible you are -- the world will hurt you.

*** Ok, take another breath with me...***

My dad and brothers are looking at things like: how far away is the transit center?  Not the reality of; what is the transit center like at night for an 18 year old girl?

My older brother thanked me for taking his daughter to the self defense course.  I said, yes, but a single class does not make a black belt.  It would be foolish for her to assume that because she has completed one 3-hour class that she can go anywhere with impunity.  Fortunately, she is smarter and savvier than they are.

The other big issue raised was that she should be driving herself.  Now, that might have been expected if she were living in the rural suburbs where she grew up, or even the suburbs around Portland, but she lives in a close-in city neighborhood and works downtown.  You tell me how leaving her car in a parking garage and having to get back to it safely late at night is a safe strategy... These men have never lived our lives.  I'm sorry, but parking garages are very dangerous.  That's our reality.

Upshot: I'm picking up my niece after her late shifts and dropping her off at her/my dad's house.  My younger brother is out of the equation.  That's good.

The other upshot: my younger brother has said some things to me that make me seriously doubt his mental state.  He is making up a new history for himself that doesn't align with what we lived.  That's pretty concerning.  Also, he has a lot of influence with our dad.

Pollyanna note:  I dropped by my dad's house this morning to check on him when my brother wasn't there.  He appreciated me checking in and is feeling better about things.  He is still 100% supportive of the kid living here and is enjoying her company.  Also, Pollyanna #2, I'll get to see the kid more often and I count that as a good thing.

***Go ahead and take a few more breaths.  Shake your head.  Breathe again.  We all need it.***

Update from PDX

What do I have to say that is of interest?  Little, as usual.  But, a survey of events since last I posted reveals that I am overdue on communication.

So, how was the trip to Cali?  Good.

Lisa, my bestie from the first day of high school, the one who needs a kidney, the one we went to celebrate the birthdays with in April, is doing much, much better.  I was so relieved when I saw her!  She didn’t have her old energy – but, who among us does?  But, she was so much healthier than when we last saw her… quite the relief!  The dialysis is definitely working!

She still teaches at the really rough high school, and it is just so draining.  I worry about her all the time.   The kids are so bad.  The administration is so bad (but maybe a tiny bit better than last year).  Hell, southern California is bad.  It’s unhealthy, I believe.  It’s so dirty.  And so crowded.  So hot.  And so stressful. But, maybe that’s just me.  Anyway, I wish Lisa didn’t have to keep exhausting herself on a daily basis.

But, that’s my worry.  Let’s move on to other things.

This coming weekend I will be assisting in a Women’s Self Defense class at my martial art school.  A little background:  Besides being a black belt, I completed the training to instruct women’s and children’s self defense classes.  I worked at that in my limited spare time for a while.  But, then my mom got sick, and then she transitioned to another plane, and my energetic focus has been directed elsewhere since then.  One of my teammates is taking over the self defense program and asked me if I was interested in assisting once a month or so.  I pondered this a fair bit.  And, I decided that, yes, I was interested in going back to teach self defense.  The time is right…  sadly, the time is always right for teaching self defense.

Did I tell you about my niece moving to Portland?  Well, she did, and she is absolutely delightful.  She is smart, funny, quirky, studious, sweet, sincere.  She is a great kid!  She’s living at my dad’s house, which is great for both of them.  They are keeping an eye on each other.  Lol.  I’m trying to find the balance between helping out when and where I am needed and not interfering!  Hahahahhaha….  Actually, I’ve been pretty good at not overwhelming her.  Which makes me wonder if I should be in touch more…

One of the cats needed a trip to the vet and a ridiculous vet bill. Of course, it was the best kitty.  Couldn’t be the jerk who pees in the house, no, it had to be the most loving and affectionate of the cats.  The one for whom we are willing to spend beyond our budget.  Sigh.

We had a massive storm last weekend, but it wasn’t nearly as traumatic as the prognosticators thought it would be.  Glad of that!  Still, I did have water in my basement and there are branches down everywhere.  If it’s headed your way, it’s a wet one.

Well, I guess that’s all for now.  I hope things are humming along on a good track for the rest of you!