Hi People!
First, the News.
Oops, scratch that. There isn’t
any.
Things remain the same around here. The old man is slowly slipping away. Luckily, he doesn’t have the kind of dementia
where he no longer recognizes us. (Yes,
I did just knock on wood.) He eats,
sleeps and watches tv. I’m leaving out
the unpleasant parts of life including the toilet. Most of the time, his existence is fairly
serene. My brother reports occasional
periods of angst where he insists he needs to go somewhere and do something –
like pick up the kids or go to the store – and it takes him a while to settle
down and get back into his routine. For
some reason these episodes typically take place in the evening or later at
night. I’m not complaining about that.
I mostly sit with my dad and read a book. He naps in his chair in front of the tv. I surreptitiously turn down the volume so
that it doesn’t distract my reading but at the same time the absence of
background noise doesn’t wake him up. I’ve
been plowing through many, many books these last few months. Happily, the library is just two blocks from
Pop’s house.
I feel like I should be getting
things done. But, I haven’t. I leave my dad’s house feeling wrung out even
though I’m doing virtually nothing. It’s
emotional exhaustion, I guess. It’s not
the kind that comes from fighting with a jerk (whether a significant other or a
family member.) And, it’s not the kind
of heart-rending emotional sorrow I felt when my mom was dying. It’s just a slow depletion of energy or motivation. When I come home all I want to do is recover
from sitting quietly with my dad.
Maybe it’s the relentlessness of it. It’s an every single day obligation and that
doesn’t leave much room for restoration.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry to do this for my dad. I was fortunate to have two wonderful parents
and I feel lucky to be able to care for them in the last phases of their
lives. But, there are no days off.
I spoke with one of my dad’s brothers the other day. He was gushing about how wonderful it was
that my brother and I were taking care of our dad. I wanted to say, ‘Wonderful for you since you
don’t have to do anything.’ But of course I didn’t.
My brother and I are committed to seeing this through to the
end. I don’t know how long that will be,
but I am counting on getting my mojo back after the old man is gone. Fingers crossed, eh?
3 comments:
I feel bad that there is no respite care available to give you and your brother an occasional break. It's emotionally gruelling to provide constant hands-on care. You and your brother are doing the work of angels, no doubt about it.
Oh, E, I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree that this kind of emotional grind is just soul sucking and physically depleting. Over the years you have often accepted the role of caretaker of friends so I'm sure this is no news to you. But I do hope that you also take care of yourself and find some time to recharge and experience some joy.
Sending lots of love to you.
As an aside - any book recommendations?
Debra - I am basically the respite care for my brother who would be there 24/7 otherwise. I have brought up the idea of a true respite caregiver but my brother nixed that idea at once. We'll see, depending on how long this drags on, if he changes his mind later.
8 - I have been reading a lot of fantasy novels interspersed with contemporary fiction and so-called cozy mysteries. If you are interested in any of those genres I can send you a list!
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