29 October 2010

Equal time

Lately I have been complaining about my girlfriend and her issues around jealousy. In the interest of fairness I have to say that I have my own issues that drive her crazy.

I’m really struggling.

The big one for me is communication. Specifically, I don’t call and let her know where I am and when I am coming home. I have been working on this one and doing better ~ until last night.

I taught my usual two classes and afterwards went to our other school to watch and participate in a test. A couple of my favorite teammates were testing for their next rank and I wanted to be there. I had told T that I would be doing this. Apparently, I also told her that I would call her on my way to the other school. I don’t remember saying that, but I could have. I also told her, and I do remember this, that I would stay for about an hour at the test.

Well, it didn’t work out that way. I stayed much longer. And, the bad thing is, I never called. I didn’t call on the way there; I didn’t call when I got there; I didn’t call to say I would be staying later.

It’s very inconsiderate behavior. I know that. It’s not intentional on my part. I just didn’t think about it. There are no clocks in the training hall during a test, so I didn’t have that visual reminder of time slipping away, but I should have realized how much later it was getting.

I’m not sure why this is such a struggle for me. I like think it’s a couple of things. One, I was not in a committed relationship for many years and I haven’t had to check in with anyone. And, two, I hate the feeling of being on a leash.

These explanations don’t really work all that well, though. For one thing, T and I have been together for nearly three years and you’d think I’d be somewhat used to it by now. And the leash thing? Yeah, she’s not saying don’t go, she’s just saying let me know. That’s not unreasonable.

So, I don’t know why this is such a huge stumbling block for me. It’s come up in our counseling sessions before and trust me, it will again… we have an appointment tonight so I’ll have to go over it all in detail. Now, there’s something to look forward to. I hope that we can talk about it and get it over with and get on with the rest of the weekend. One good thing about T is that she doesn’t hold onto that kind of negative feeling very long. Here’s hoping!


weese said...

I think you may want to ponder further about this leash concept. it may be bothering you more than you know.
when i am out longer than expected, i want to call home...generally i want to be home. so its not something i need to remember. also.. if for some reason i don't call home - there is not retribution waiting for me. especially if i am simply late from somewhere i already said i would be.
the whole excuse of ..well you could have been in an accident... that really doesn't fly in the day of cell phones.

Anonymous said...

I'm seeing this as a good thing. You see both your sides and are working towards making things better on your end. That's positive stuff. Now, cut yourself some much-deserved slack. All
new(ish) things take time to get used to.

Also, it's good to "see" you, weese. I hope you are well.

8thday said...

I am mostly in T's corner on this one. I am the worrier.

Still, isn't it nice to know that someone is at home and cares enough about you to worry? There are worse things.

Like any habit, I think once you do it enough, it will become second nature to you.

thEbalzie said...

Let's see... she has trust issues and you have control issues. Now, that's what I call the perfect storm.

Practically speaking, you could set an alarm on your clock to remind you to call. Of course, you'd have to remember to set the alarm.

Her wanting you to call is part of the trust thing. Maybe you should think of the call not as a leash but as a way you can help her heal. Turn the tables on her trust problem and your control problem at the same time.

If she had a cold you'd take care of her, yes? Chicken soup, orange juice, aspirin etc. You'd check on her, make sure she's ok, yes?

Having trust issues is a type of injury. Your phone call is chicken soup.

After she gets better, you won't need to make as much chicken soup.

Darlene said...

I love to read your blog because you seem to mirror my relationship so well. Only I am often the one in your girlfriend's position so I am learning from reading you what may or may not be the dynamics in my situation. Which brings me to ask a question.
Recently we were at a large political rally. One of the organizers asked the group which was growing extremely large,to move across the street to a vacant lot. I turned and started to follow this leader as did every one else EXCEPT my partner. She just walked off in the opposite direction without saying a word to me. Granted she came back and found me across the street but when I asked her where she went, she said, "Oh, I just wanted to ask the camera guy a question.' I was upset. My take was that it was rude to just walk off without so much as a word of warning. Again, the same dynamics are here as when I ask her to call if she is late leaving work so I at least have some idea when to set the table. (She says the same thing; she feels like she is on a leash.) So am I wrong for feeling like she should have said something to me and at least giving me the courtesy of a) walking with her to ask her question b) gone on ahead like I did and hope we don't get seperated in the crowd, or c) just pretend like I am at the function alone? Would love to hear your take on this.

the only daughter said...

just hangin out soaking up all the golden nuggets dropped.

hope the weekend (so far) is a good un.

e said...

Wow, you are all so damned wise! Thank you for offering advice, opinion, commentary.

Weese: the leash does bother me. And, there used to be too much drama and retribution in being late but that has subsided. I definitely need to ponder. And, ditto what Greg said, nice to see you ~ hope you are ok.

Greg: thank you. I'm trying to be fair. T has done a lot of growing and changing and I appreciate it. I also need to step up and do more myself. Work in progress...

8thday: The funny thing is, I'm a worrier too! I totally get it. I've just got this damned blind spot right now and I need to fix that.

thEb: I know! Perfect storm indeed. I love your suggestion of turning it around as a way to help her. Phone call = chicken soup. I can do that!

Darlene: I am embarrassed to say that I might do the same thing. I think, however, that I would say something like "I'll be right back" and then wander off. I wouldn't feel like I had to explain my every action, but I would feel like you should understand that I might just like to roam around a little. It's the whole 'joined at the hip' thing. I'm not and she is. We're different like that, I guess.

tod: it's awesome, innit?! All these smart women! the weekend was ok, thank goodness we both have the ability to get over stuff.

KMae said...

I don't like it that my gf doesn't call so I call her. A lot! I don't like that she often walks behind me in say Home Depot then wanders off to another aisle while I march ahead not knowing where she is. It is frustrating - my feeling being wait we are supposed to be doing this together. I don't like that she doesnt think to share feelings sometimes esp when my feelings may be totally different. Sometimes it seems she shares more with her damn sister than me. BUT she is 74 & aint gona change. We've been together 29yrs & I trust her now altho' in the beginning she is so beautiful I couldn't believe she wouldn't be more interested in other women always throwing themselves at her. She has stayed true & proven she loves me by now, so i don't complain AS MUCH. smile. But I am always thinking of her & missing her when I'm gone. I live for her, she lives for her family, her children, her grandchildren as well as me. It's lopsidded. Nothing's perfect.