21 June 2013

Life, work, ptsd and other stuff



So, long time no posting, yeah?  Sorry about that.  As you know, I have been in a funk.  And, to add to it, I have been plagued by PTSD triggers as well lately.  I’m back to a weekly schedule with my therapist, and we are digging down into some subterranean layers.  Ugh.  It’s not pretty.  But, I’m hopeful that with more time and examination things will settle down.

I’m actively working on being compassionate to my younger self.  Instead of beating her up about things she did or didn’t do, I’m realizing that she did her best.  (No, I don’t usually refer to myself in the third person!)  My mother used to say, “God gave me this puny body and I do the best I can with what I got.”  It’s a quote from something, but I don’t know what.  And, I did do the best I could at the time.  And I’m trying to not give more weight to what I didn’t do, or what I see now as what I should have done, but instead to realize that I did my best.  Does that make sense?  Hindsight, you know, can tie you up in knots.

So, that’s where I am right now.  It’s not exactly a happy place.  But, in the end it may lead to greater happiness, thus my willingness to go there.  But still, yuck.

Besides that, what else is going on?

Pride!  Portland Pride was last weekend.  We went to a variety of fun events and had a good time overall.  I will say that my gf spent the majority of the parade in the bar with her friends while I was out in the sunshine watching the extravaganza.  I didn’t care.  I got to feel slightly superior in that they seemed like a bunch of drunks while I felt pretty darned virtuous, but I shouldn’t really mention that because it makes me sound like a stuck up prude or something.  I scored big on parade swag, though!  Go me!

Work trudges on, seemingly endlessly.  This is the big academic and fiscal year turnover right now so we are busy as all get out.  We are also short-handed.  We had hired a gal in February who most definitely did not work out and we let her go in April.  Still waiting to get permission to fill that position.  That means that the rest of us are working extra hard.  And, boy oh boy, did I ever screw up.  We have half a dozen incoming fellows who I got credentialed and enrolled but forgot to hire!  Holy crap!  I’m scrambling now.  Might just pull off a Hail Mary on this one, but we’ll see.  Plus one of them is coming a week earlier – a fact that the program director didn’t tell me about.  Sigh.

My brother and his family arrived last night for their yearly visit.  I’m always glad to see them, but I wish they weren’t here during my busiest week!  Still, I get to hang out with my sister-in-law and she is all kinds of awesome.  Unfortunately, the Kid is not coming down for the weekend.  She and her man have a house guest at the same time.  Argh!

In three weeks we are going camping with our favorite neighbors.  It’s trailer camping, people, don’t get too excited.  They have a fancy, newish trailer and we have our darling little vin tage trailer.  We’re going to a spot on the Clackamas River.  It’s close to Portland but out in the woods.  The neighbors are bringing their folding boat.  I don’t know anything else about that but … folding boat … sounds intriguing.  I’ll let you know!

We plan on doing some fishing while we are there.  The Clackamas is well stocked and has native salmon and trout as well.  OH!  We bought a smoker!  For, you know, smoked fish.  We’ve used it a few times and it is fan-freaking-tastic!  I can’t wait to catch some of the slippery little buggers and take them home for smoking.  Yum.  My big plan is to drive out to the coast when the season is on, and buy a whole tuna when the charter boats come in.  Have you ever had smoked tuna?  So.Damned.Good.  SO GOOD!  Better even than smoked salmon, and I am a salmon lover.  Try it!  Just sayin’.

Been riding my bike when the weather permits.  We’ll have a solid week of tolerable weather and everyone gets all excited and then the clouds and the rain come back.  I’m not really complaining, just commenting.  I do love to ride my bike, though, and it is so much faster than taking the bus.  I won’t knock the bus too badly – I get some great reading time when I’m on the bus and that makes up for the loss of the bike ride.

Looking forward to canning season.  I've just about finished up or given away all of last summer's jam.  I have to say - I'm good at jam.  And, I get so much pleasure out of it.  I love making jam and I love eating jam.  I also love sharing jam.  I'm the kind of person who, if you tell me that you love my jam, you will never run out.  I always make way too much, at least, too much for one household, but that just means that I get to share a lot.  And that makes me happy.

There’s probably loads more I could jot down, but I’m at work and I think you know how busy it is round here.  I’d better get back to it.  Have a lovely weekend, all.  Happy Pride!

e



2 comments:

poetlandia.com said...

I'm sorry about the PTSD and I so get it. I think that sometimes PTSD comes up when it knows we're ready to deal with the next layer and it's going to force us there, whether we will it or no.

The problem, as you know, with hindsight is that you know exactly what happens from the choice you made. Also, we're wiser now than then. Compassion towards her is good, I think.

Happy pride to you! When I am in PDX, I will happily stand outside with you and watch the extravaganza.

I think it's tough when you're doing your job +. Hopefully they'll let you all hire soon!

Now I'm wondering about what I could cook in a smoker. Hmmmm.

And last but not least: I have seen those folding boats, if it's what I'm thinking of. Very cool! And I think small. Unless it's a different folding boat. Camping sounds fun. You'll be ready for it, for sure.

Oh! One more thing. I adore jam. ;)

8thday said...

Well, I am glad you are being proactive and getting some help with your yuck. I tend to agree with Em that perhaps the PTSD comes back to get us to deal with something that needs being dealt with.

I can tell myself a kazillion times that I did the best I could at the time - I can even sometimes believe it intellectually. But in that deep, private place, I know I will never forgive myself. I've decided to learn to live with it.

Of course, we have much different circumstances. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. They are killers, aren't they? I do hope you find that place of compassion for yourself. I am sending love and light for your efforts.

A little time out in the woods sounds like ideal medicine for the all the yuck.

I have never had smoked tuna. I don't think I've ever even seen it on a menu. I obviously need to visit Portland. Smoked tuna and jam and you! Sounds heavenly.

I am just leaving for the weekend. I will email you next week. Until then, my arms are stretching to give you major, huge, sloppy hugs.