But, really, I'm sorry for us.
T has breast cancer.
FUCK YOU, CANCER, I'M TIRED OF YOU FUCKING UP PEOPLE IN MY LIFE! I'M TIRED OF YOU TAKING THEM AWAY FROM ME! I'M TIRED OF YOU DOMINATING THE WAY WE MANAGE TO SCRATCH OUT AN EXISTENCE AROUND YOU! FUCK YOU, SO MUCH!
Sorry. Had to say that. And, so much more, but whatever. I know that you have all said it too. Over and over and over again. Really, the question is, 'Who's not tired of that asshole, Cancer?'
So, yeah, prepare yourselves from posts about shitty stuff. Again, sorry. You know what I would rather blog about? Flowers. Springtime. Puppies. Happy shit.
Remember when I lasted posted? And I was so blithely happy, looking forward to my visit with my kid and my two besties? Yeah. That was awesome. I'm glad I had that minute of joy. Because it shortly turned to ashes.
So, here's how it has played out so far.
December: "Oh, hell. We forgot to schedule our mammogram in November." "Ok, let's do it now, at the end of December, before your insurance runs out." [cue music]
Communication from Women's Imaging dept: "Please call us to schedule a follow up appointment."
Us: "Shoot. Insurance just ended.""Oh, it's probably another harmless cyst." "Insurance starts again in 90 days, We'll schedule it then."
Radiology: "Where the hell have you been? We need follow up imaging STAT!"
Us: "Uh oh."
Follow up mammogram.
Follow up ultrasound. With needle biopsy.
Pathology results.
Follow up MRI. New findings.
Follow up ultrasound. Inconclusive.
Secondary pathology results.
Meet with surgeon.
Meet with more providers than we expected.
Schedule so much shit.
At first we were handling it well. Yes, both of us. The initial treatment plan was a quick lumpectomy and radiation. Ok, that's shitty. But, we can deal with it. We feel confident about surviving it and thriving afterwards. Then the secondary pathology results came back. The dreaded HR2 receptor was active. Suddenly, we switched tracks from manageable to a whirlwind of medicine.
These results came back on Thursday morning, just in time for Tumor Board. The oncology team was increased from Surg Onc and Rad Onc to include Med Onc. Yes, that's the provider no one wants to have on their team. The Chemotherapy doctors.
At this point, T finally cracked. She had been firmly positive and determined about the early prognosis. But, when the chemotherapy and all it's side effects were added into the equation, her confidence took a heavy blow. Her outlook plummeted. It has been a shitty weekend after a month fraught with doubt and dismay.
We have appointments coming up this weekend. Follow up MRI. Possible MR guided needle biopsy. EKG to see if her heart is ok for chemo. Decision about lumpectomy vs mastectomy. Place a fucking port. Because, T's going to have a year of chemo.
Things are not great around here. We've got a whole lot of stuff to process right now. (As the kids say, 'all the feels'... except, I guess, not the good ones.)
Silver Lining: T has talked to quite a few friends and relative about it. (So not like my family!) We have pretty firm and believable offers of help for the next 18 weeks. Our best neighbor, who will be off work (public school employee) and T's best friend, Chris, who is self employed, have both offered to drive her to and from chemo and other appointments. Lots of other friends have offered to help, or offered to bring food, and I appreciate every single one of them, Her other bestie has already brought us dinner on a night when we had an MRI at 7:30pm. Thank the Goddess for friends!
It'll be a long road. Here's to the end ... ::clink:: ::cheers::
In the meantime, here's a picture of the grandpuppy!
Zoe is bringing him down next weekend. A combination of mother's day and cheer up T day. Bless her heart...
7 comments:
Dammit. Dammit dammit.
I'm so sorry e. I'm so sorry for both of you. This sucks. I hate cancer so much.
I'm here for all the shitty posts you want to post.
Let's kick some ass. (Cancer has an ass, right?)
damn it all to hell.
i am sorry ya'll are having to deal with this shit.
come, say what you need to say--we got you.
love the pooch. love family and friends who pitch in without question without hesitation.
yay village.
Sorry I missed this when posted. I got back from wilderness last night and read it and just started to weep. To say that I am so sick of cancer wouldn't even scratch the surface of my feelings. Nor would sending you virtual hugs scratch the surface of how much I care about you and yours.
I will be sending you an email soon. But please remember, while taking care of T that you also take care of yourself. Caregivers need loving too.
And lastly, I must say how sweet it is that you write "we" through this process. She is lucky to have you.
xoxoxox
Ah, hell. I am so, so sorry to hear that. I don't know what else to say except that. Holding you both in my heart.
Fuck. I go away for a while and all shit breaks lose.
So what's the deal with breast cancer's whole misery loves company thing? Last year my best friend got it. Luckily she didn't have the aggressive kind, did go through some radiation but has been declared cancer free.
Then, a coworker got it. She was on chemo for a good part of the last year and just finished treatment a couple weeks ago. She has also been declared cancer free.
Then another friend got it and she is still jumping through some major radiation/chemo hoops.
So glad you have the support of good friends. The queen and I send T and you all the good vibes we can send through the vibe-o-sphere.
Here's to hoping that at the end of the road we can call T 'NED'.
hey.
If I were a gambler I would have laid even odds (whatever that means) that we'd exchanged at least one email over the years--pais me to type that alas, we did not.
So, do forgive this public note but I did want you to know you both (you all) are on my mind.
:;Peace::
I am not a robot. :-)
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