20 August 2009

The Daughter's boyfriend

So, last night my daughter called. We chatted about inconsequentials for a few minutes and then she broke the news that they were not going to move back to the Pacific Northwest after all. Instead they were going to move to Dallas. As in Texas. As in Dallas fucking Texas and not Portland or Seattle.

I am so disappointed.

A few months ago she called to say that they had decided to move back to the northwest, probably Seattle. I was ecstatic! So was she! She and the boyfriend are living in Des Moines. Yeah, the one in Iowa. Why, you may ask? Well, the boyfriend got a job there so of course she went with him. They had been living in a Seattle suburb and he couldn’t find a job that he liked that also paid him what he thought was an adequate salary. He does some kind of IT work. Thinks he’s a big shot. So, since he got turned down for the few jobs he deemed worthy of receiving his application, he contacted a recruiter to find him a job. In Des Moines, Iowa, because he has family there. His favorite brother and his least favorite brother live in Des Moines and now his mom does too. So, he wanted to be near his family and wanted Zoe away from hers.

Of course the recruiter was delighted to find him a job in Des Moines. I get the idea that few people are clamoring to move to the center of the country.

So off they go. Yes, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth round here. My parents and I drove up to Bellevue to help them pack the apartment and load the truck. He was of no use whatsoever. Sat around complaining about how hard it is to move yourself. As if he would know since he wasn’t lifting a finger. No, he left it to me and my seventy something year old father to do the heavy lifting. Oh, he has a bad back… or a bad knee… or both, probably, since he is morbidly obese. Anyway! Off they went.

They stayed in Des Moines for about a year. Then he was dissatisfied with his job and found one in Lansing, Michigan. They upped sticks and moved to Lansing. For a total of six months. Then, guess what, he didn’t like his job so they moved back to Des Moines. They’ve been there about a year, again, this time.

Now he has found a job in Dallas. He spent a lot of years in Dallas. That’s where his ex-wife lives (if she is truly an ex, my suspicion is that they aren’t really divorced). He has friends in Dallas. My daughter? No. She doesn’t have friends in Dallas, she doesn’t have family in Dallas, she doesn’t have a job in Dallas. She doesn’t have shit in Dallas. All she’s got is this lame-ass loser boyfriend in Dallas.

It’s just breaking my heart to see her following this guy around the country. What happened to her dreams? Her goals? She is 25 and he is about 10 years older. They have been together for about 4 years. I can’t tell you one single good thing about him. He is ugly inside and out. He is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. Add to that lazy, cheap with everyone but himself, arrogant, patronizing. Oh, ok, here’s a good thing: he is too selfish to want children. Thankfully. So when she wakes up and gets away from him she won’t be tied to him by that connection.

I could write reams about how thoroughly I loathe this person, but I won’t. Suffice it to say that if he dropped dead tomorrow, I would not shed a tear. Instead, I am shedding many tears about my daughter wasting her young adulthood on someone unworthy. I’m shedding tears over her dropping out of college to trail around after him. I hate the fact that she is squandering her precious self on someone who doesn’t appreciate what a treasure she is. It’s breaking my heart. And it kills me that there is nothing I can do about it.


Murray said...

I'm sorry. I can't possibly know what you are going through since I was never fortunate enough to have children. But I'm thinking it is probably a good thing that you have somewhere (like your blog) where at least you can vent. I know that may not help much, but at least you'll know that someone else is listening.

Maria said...

What does she see in him? It might be interesting to hear her answer...well, without putting her on the defensive..

8thdayplanner said...

Wow. This is a scary post. My daughters are 16 and 17 and have sometimes had "less than desirable" boyfriends but at that age relationships don't last more than a few months.

But my heart feels for you. I know you only want what's best for your daughter, and this guy is obviously not that. It must be agonizing to have to watch.

Don't know what to say - but hugs are being sent.

e said...

I'm very thankful to have places to vent. If I had to keep it all inside I would explode. Thank you for your sympathy and good wishes. And for advice.

I don't know what she sees in him. I've been trying to figure that out. I try to be careful not to put her on the defensive - I don't want to drive her away. As a result, I don't ask really specific questions. Maybe I should. I just don't know.

I hope this didn't sound like a slam on the mid-west in any way. I have nothing against Iowa. In fact, yay Iowa for passing a gay marriage bill! Des Moines is a nice small city; its just not Portland.

Also, I really don't care what the guy looks like. It's what's inside that counts. One of my friends thought that I was being rude about him because he is fat and ugly... until she met him. Then she agreed that he is ugly through and through. I don't give a hoot what he looks like it's how he treats my daughter that matters to me. I mention his appearance because it's part of the perplexity about what the hell she sees in him. It aint looks.

ok, I've rambled enough. Thanks for being an outlet and a sounding board, all of you. I truly appreciate it! Hugs are good!

Grumpy Granny said...

I sure hear you on this one, E. My daughter has been involved with many less-than-savory characters in her 26 years. In fact, she just dropped an anonymous tip on an old BF who may have been involved in a crime here in town.

However, your daughter is reaching the age (25-26) where sense will begin to click in. It happened visibly in my daughter, like a switch had been turned on. She dumped her deadbeat BF, and met her husband shortly thereafter. Now she is in college, and really excited about her life for the first time in a long time.

As far as Dallas or anywhere goes, it may not be Portland but there are opportunities everywhere, and at least it is a big city, even if it is in Texas ;-) Hopefully, in addition to making a career of following him around, she will begin to look at life on her own terms, and maybe a great job opportunity or something will present itself in Dallas, and then maybe SHE will get transferred and decide to leave him. Who knows, but even though it's hard, please try to look at the positive side. She has learned to live in different cities and parts of the country and met different people. That is always a plus, even if the BF is a loser.

I will be sending good energy and prayers to both of you!


e said...

Thanks GG. I am grateful for the energy and prayers. I had my Tarot read last week and the woman said that the number 5 kept coming to her. She thought it might mean that Zoe would be with the guy for 5 years. I should have written down the rest of the cards (4 card spread). I believe one of them was the 6 of wands. Anyway... I have to trust the Universe on this one.