Old and Odd

My girlfriend has a stalker. And, boy is that irritating!

We live in a neighborhood with a pretty decent number of people like us. Our next door neighbor is a big ol’ gay man with a stable of pretty boys. Around the corner are a couple of lesbian couples, and down the block is a great combination of two gay men with kids and two lesbians with kids who live next door to each other and share yards and toys. There are more than that but those are the ones I see the most.

For a while, the guy next door had an older lesbian living in the house with him. He travels a lot and she was a sort of housekeeper/pet sitter for him. Apparently they have been friends for years and have lived with this kind of arrangement before. Joan has since moved to a different house in the neighborhood but we still see her over there.

Because we live in the city, our yards are visible from the neighboring houses. So, anytime they are at their kitchen sink, they are looking into our back yard. Last summer T and I built a deck. They watched the progress with neighborly interest and would wave occasionally or holler out, “Looks good!” That’s fine. A little encouragement is friendly. Eventually though, it became intrusive. Joan began making a habit of offering unsolicited advice.

After finishing the deck, T started on a landscaping project. She would be on her hands and knees laying a brick pathway and every time she turned around, there was Joan, watching her from the window. If T went out to mow the grass in the front, out came Joan to walk her dogs. When there are neighborhood functions, she’ll be standing apart, scanning the crowd, until T shows up and then she makes a bee line over to say hi. Creepy.

Now, I know that my girlfriend is attractive and that she has a personality that draws people to her. All of her clients adore her. Sometimes they are irritating with it, like when they call repeatedly to ask her advice about paint, or to change their minds about a remodel. Mostly though, they respect her privacy. Except Joan.

T was next door working on a project last month when Joan and Rick arrived. They chatted for a few minutes and T mentioned that we had won tickets to see Bonnie Raitt. Joan, of course, LOVES Bonnie Raitt and would LOVE to go to the concert! T said something like, oh, too bad it’s sold out. You think that stopped her? Hell no! She was on Craigslist that day and got tickets.

When we were in line waiting to get into the venue here came Joan walking to the end of the line and searching for T. As soon as she saw us, she called out and came over to stand next to us. T was beyond irritated. In fact, we left the line and went to drink a beer in one of the bars rather than wait in the blazing sun with the crazy old broad. It’s open seating at the Edgefield and we made sure that we couldn’t see her anywhere when we sat down. At the intermission, we went to smoke a cigarette with some friends and were standing away from the crowd behind some trees. Surprise, surprise, here comes Joan, looking for T! She’s not a smoker so she doesn’t need to be standing around with all the reprobates. She must have realized that there was no good reason for her to be there because she turned around and left.

And me? I’m not sure she remembers my name. I know she thinks I’m not good enough for T. When I see her in the grocery store she doesn’t say hi, she asks me what T is working on now. Tells me how lucky I am to have such a hard working and productive partner, and so attractive too! Wow. Really? You think you need to school me in how to appreciate my partner? Fuck the hell off, bitch.

I’m glad she isn’t living next door anymore, but she is still in the neighborhood. I swear she only walks her dogs on our street, our block even. It’s pretty annoying but hopefully that’s as escalated as it will get.

What the ...

I got home from work yesterday to find that the women's health clinic had rescheduled T's appointment. Pushed it back a week. I think that they had scheduled her in the resident clinic and then read the report and thought they might as well start with a faculty doctor since she would have to be seen by faculty anyway. That's fine. It'll end up saving a needless trip to the stirrup table.

I also had a piece of mail waiting for me from the mammography department. I need to go back in for additional views ~ it seems there are some suspicious calcifications that they want to look at more thoroughly. I'm going to try and get in there today.

Honestly, my stomach is a little queasy. Too much medical stuff! Do Not Want!!!!!!

Doctor Visit

I am fortunate enough to have an employer that allows me to have my partner covered on my health insurance. There. That’s a positive start!

So, T had an appointment on Friday to see the family practice doctor. She mainly went in because she has chronic back pain and it has been bothering her lately. But, while I was making the appointment for her they suggested an annual exam and yes, it had been awhile, so we threw that fun time in too.

Now, before I ramble on about the appointment, I have to say that the night before we got into a huge argument. I left in a stony silence in the morning. About a half hour before the appointment I called her at home to ask where I should meet her. I generally go with her to her appointments because she is a big baby when it comes to anything medical, and really, it’s better to have your advocate at your side asking the questions anyway. So, we tersely decided to meet in the lobby.

I got there ahead of her and we rode up to the 9th floor, again in silence. Checked in at the desk and prepared for the customary long wait. They actually called her back one minute ahead of schedule.

We both went in the exam room. Sometimes the provider is disconcerted by that, other times not. So, they went over the history and physical, wrote down all of the notes, etc. We had a little fun with the questions about safe sex… gotta get a laugh when you can in those situations.

So, I had asked T beforehand if I could look while she got the Pap smear. Cuz, you know, I’ve seen the outside as thoroughly as possible, I was curious about what the inside of her pussy looked like. Who wouldn’t be?! She rolled her eyes and said ok. Might have called me a perv, but whatever.

So, the doctor gets out the speculum and I step behind her to take a peek. She used an average sized speculum which was too big for T. She was clearly in pain. I had to give up my vantage point to go hold her hand. The doc switched to a smaller speculum and tried again. I popped back around to get my once in a lifetime view.

I just barely got a glimpse when the doctor pulled out the speculum, jumped up, and said, “I’ll be right back. There is an unusual lesion there and I want to ask one of my colleagues about it.” She pretty much bolted out of there.

OK, I don’t know about you but when the doctor is scared, the patient is scared. We were left in the exam room staring at each other thinking all the worst possible diagnoses. Lesion? Unusual?

After a couple of minutes the doctor came back in and (somewhat feebly) reassured us that it was probably fine but that she would put in an order for T to be seen in the ObGyn clinic. But first, she wanted us to go downstairs for an ultrasound.

We go for the ultrasound, and since that’s part of my department, we get in right away. We have about 15 sonographers in the department and all but two are women. Naturally we got the one dude who was on duty that week. He’s cool though, and about as low testosterone and nonthreatening as a hetero guy can be. So, he’s scanning her lower abdomen and not getting a very good view. He tells her he is going to have to do the transvaginal view as well. That probe is a lot smaller than a dildo, thank god! She’s already traumatized.

He found a vascular polyp that originates in her uterus and grew down and out of her cervix. The pictures are pretty weird looking. When he turned on the Doppler, we could see that there is a lot of blood flow to the damned thing. There was actually one view where it looked like it had a face. Creepy!

One of my radiologists told me not to worry, that it will not be a big ordeal to get it removed. Still, it was a nerve wracking couple of hours, let me tell you. She has a follow up appointment on Thursday with the gynecologist.

As I walked her to the car in the parking garage, I said, “You’re going all out to make sure I’m not mad at you anymore.” She said, “Did it work?”

Friday afternoon

My phone buzzed while I was in the exam room.

T: What are you doing?

Me: I can’t talk right now, I’m having my boobs squeezed.

T: WHAT?!?!?!

Me: A mammogram, duh!

T: What? You’re having a mammogram? Why didn’t you tell me this morning?

Me: They had a cancellation so I just walked over… but, let me call you back. Really.

What can I say, it gave me a little pleasure to tease her like that. And, when you can get pleasure out of a mammogram, I say go for it!