27 October 2011

The ties that bind

What is it that keeps us tethered to this life?  Family?  Ambition?  The will to live?  The determination not to die? Obviously, I have no answer to that question.

What is it that keeps my mum tethered to this life?  Family?  My pop, me, my brothers, the grandchildren?  A desire to live longer than her siblings have done?  A thumbing of her nose to those she doesn't hold in high regard?  Again, no answers from me.

Whatever those ties that bind (and, other than family, I don't know what they are) they are slipping, loosening, letting go of my mother as she begins her journey to the other side.

I have spent the last three days sitting beside her.  Holding her hand, stroking her brow, petting whatever part of her I could reach.  And, she has responded in kind.  Holding my hand, and squeezing it; directing her gaze up at me; reaching out to touch whatever part of my body she could reach.  Often, there are not words.  Or, at least, words that I can decipher.  Sometimes she is speaking clearly but mostly she is murmuring under her breath.  My pop wrote down all he could of what she said from 2:30 last night until 6:00 this morning.  She is having conversations with people who mattered in her life.  Sorting stuff out.

The hospice nurse came today.  She said that it looks like we have 1 to 3 days left, but certainly not a week.  Now, I know that we had that expectation before, but this time I don't feel confident of a rebound.  For one thing, mum can't stand anymore.  She has no physical strength left.  She is surviving on will and determination alone.  When those go, she won't have anything left.

I'll be spending the next few nights at my parents' house.  I'll keep you updated as i can.
Please send up a prayer for an easy transition for my beloved mother, Kathryn Elizabeth.  I know she'll be ok, I just don't want her to be met on the other side by people she didn't like on this plane... but that's just me...



Em said...

With you. Take care of yourself.

The one thing I know is that when we crossover, we're fine. The experiences we have there, the people we meet, it's all good. So don't worry. That place is love.

8thday said...

The beauty that surrounds the awful. . .

I am sending so much love as you walk through this week. My hand holds yours and my heart weeps with you.

Anonymous said...

I'll absolutely be thinking of you and as always, wishing you and your mother a peaceful weekend - with whatever you are met with. Keep holding her hand through this.

weese said...

This is so very imporatant what you are doing. It is a gift.


elf said...

I'm so sorry you are losing your mom but happy for her that you are there. I'll pray for an easy transition for all of you. xo

the only daughter said...

My thoughts and prayers to you and your family as you all travel with mom toward her final destination.

Peace, indeed.

Grumpy Granny said...

I have been thinking of you so much. Just a thought--have you all told her that it's okay for her to go? I know my mom held on until I arrived from Colorado. After I saw her in hospital and told her that everything was all right with my daughter and her great-grandchildren, she passed within hours. Sometimes "permission" is needed. And for what it's worth, I strongly believe that once we pass, there is only love. "Like" and "dislike" fade with the physical body. That's what I choose to believe, anyway.

Keeping you all in the light.