03 November 2011


I did, actually, take a shower.  And it felt good, and healthy.  And I'm sure I smell better.

But, I did not make it to work.  I tried to psych myself up for it, but it just wasn't there.  Technically, we are allowed to take three days off for a death in the family, and I can see that being adequate for some distant relative... but I feel like three weeks or even three months might not be enough to come to grips with the loss of my mumsey.

I went over to their house yesterday, to check up on my pop.  We were sitting in the living room talking.  All of a sudden my head snapped up and i looked down the hall.  I heard my mum coming.  It was as strong a sensation- both intuited and felt - as I can swear to.  Of course, I saw nothing.  I felt her presence strongly, but I saw nothing.  My pop was blathering on as though nothing had happened.  (I shouldn't say 'blathering', my pop doesn't blather, maybe he was 'holding forth'... he is a retired college professor, after all.)

I had an email from one of my mum's best friends.  She encouraged me to 'stay strong' as, she said, Kathryn would want, no, demand.  Well, that may be true.  My family is fucking stoic.  While we are quite loving, we do not express ourselves fully or dramatically, or effusively, or even physically.  We hugged my mum.  We give pop a 'hearty handshake'.  That's his comfort level.

I'm going to chat with my therapist tomorrow.  I will probably cry.  I have to believe that I will be in a safe space to do so.  Although, being raised as I was, I tend to repress those emotions (obviously) and when they are expected is the time I feel least likely to display them.  Oh, what a complicated thing is life!

I may just take this whole week off.


weese said...

yes. you should take some time off - but know this... you will cry for some time to come. i still do and its just past a year now.
and you know what...its ok. its ok to cry its ok to miss her its ok to carry on after you cry.
i miss my mom terribly. i never imagined that i would. not like this. but, we're all ok. and we all smell good after we shower - so keep doing that. :)

8thdayplanner said...

A very wise woman once told me:

". . . you will find other ways of dealing with it. Because that's what we do, we deal with things the best way we can and then we just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I mean, curling up in a ball in bed only works for a little while. We know this. And then the morning comes where you have to get up and go to work. "

Let time do it's work e. Cry when you're ready. Work when you're ready. You'll know when the time is right


Maria said...

I come from a family much like yours. I still wait to cry until I am in the bathtub.

But, you know...a good cry really does help.

Grumpy Granny said...

Good luck with your therapy. I cried a little when my mom died, but not a lot and not as much as I thought I would. You've read part of my other blog, but I wonder if you ever read this:


It's okay to cry, it's okay to not cry. Whatever works for you is fine and you'll know what it is when it happens.


Em said...

I believe that was your mum checking up on you! I think we do that for awhile and off and on forever.

I know when my mother died (over 30 years ago now) I felt her strongly for months. And I've felt her off and on in the years after.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with taking time off!

Grumpy Granny said...

PS - a few weeks ago, we bought a tablecloth for the table we had moved from the house to the covered patio. As I opened the cloth up and spread it out, I suddenly stopped unable to go on. G. asked me what was wrong. I just shook my head and started weeping. "My mother would have loved that tablecloth," was all I could choke out. Five minutes later, I was fine. It happens. It always will. It's okay.

GG again

elf said...

I've also felt the strong presence of someone who has died. Like Em said, it's as if they're checking up. And odd feeling for sure.

Take the week, go have a cider at the RAT.

poet said...

I have been lurking a little now and again, and I wanted you to know. I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away 2 yrs ago, and there are times when the presence is strong, or the sadness is strong, and the tears come. it happens. please accept my sincere sympathies to you.

breathethenexhale said...

Im so sorry I started at your whimsical top post there with the story and hadn't realized your mum passed. I am so sorry for your loss ... thank you for sharing this journey with us. xohugs