I did, actually, take a shower. And it felt good, and healthy. And I'm sure I smell better.
But, I did not make it to work. I tried to psych myself up for it, but it just wasn't there. Technically, we are allowed to take three days off for a death in the family, and I can see that being adequate for some distant relative... but I feel like three weeks or even three months might not be enough to come to grips with the loss of my mumsey.
I went over to their house yesterday, to check up on my pop. We were sitting in the living room talking. All of a sudden my head snapped up and i looked down the hall. I heard my mum coming. It was as strong a sensation- both intuited and felt - as I can swear to. Of course, I saw nothing. I felt her presence strongly, but I saw nothing. My pop was blathering on as though nothing had happened. (I shouldn't say 'blathering', my pop doesn't blather, maybe he was 'holding forth'... he is a retired college professor, after all.)
I had an email from one of my mum's best friends. She encouraged me to 'stay strong' as, she said, Kathryn would want, no, demand. Well, that may be true. My family is fucking stoic. While we are quite loving, we do not express ourselves fully or dramatically, or effusively, or even physically. We hugged my mum. We give pop a 'hearty handshake'. That's his comfort level.
I'm going to chat with my therapist tomorrow. I will probably cry. I have to believe that I will be in a safe space to do so. Although, being raised as I was, I tend to repress those emotions (obviously) and when they are expected is the time I feel least likely to display them. Oh, what a complicated thing is life!
I may just take this whole week off.