25 September 2013

Oh Dear

Oh dear.

Time has flown, yet again.  Hey, did you know that the phrase ‘Tempus fugit’ doesn’t mean ‘Time flies’ but rather ‘Time flees’.  Still, I learned in university that ‘Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like raspberries.’

Umm… where was I?

Oh, yes, my poor neglected blog.  Sigh.

So, the good news is that we have extended and offer to an applicant for our open position and she has accepted it.  Halle-fucking-lujah!  This time it’s going to be so, so much better than the last time when the top bosses didn’t listen to me.  They hired a nut and we all paid the price.  This time, they agreed with my choice and I have high hopes for this woman in this job.  Extremely qualified.  Friendly, but not pushy or weird with it.  Young enough to think this is a great position, but not childishly young.  I’m hopeful.  This is good news because it means that the unreasonable workload that I and my entire staff have been struggling under will be lifting soon.  Mid October, to be precise.  I am ready for it!

But, I did want to say hello to you all who happen to drift by here every now and again.  Hello!  I also wanted to update you on some goings on around Chez E.

So, the whole marriage equality thing.  Raise your hand if you have mixed emotions about getting married.  Me!  Me!  I do!

We were watching tv the other night and there was something on about gay marriage and T looked over and said, ‘When are we going to get married?’

I have been dreading this conversation for a quite awhile.  I remained silent.

Marriage is now legal in Washington State, which is right across the river from us and just happens to be my partner’s home state.  But, I thought I was safe because hey, we live in Oregon!  Not legal here!  Plenty of our people have crossed the river and pledged their troth in the ‘Couv, though.  It’s easy, if you want to get married.

Then she said, ‘You liked someone’s post about marriage equality, right?  Well, don’t you want to get married?’

I, trying hard not to sound panicky or hunted, said, ‘Well, I believe that we should have equal rights, including marriage, but I don’t necessarily want to get married.’  What a waffler!

‘Why? Why not get married?’ and then the inevitable ‘Don’t you love me enough to get married?’


Don’t go there!  For the love of all things fleeting and temporary, please don’t go there!

Because, no.  I don’t want to get married.

I was married once.  To a man.  It was disastrous.  Thank the Heavens Above that my daughter and I survived.  And, yes, I realize that this is completely different.  T is not a man.  She is a lovely, hardworking, compassionate, funny, attractive, sexy, needy, clingy, joined-at-the-hip, self-doubting woman.  So, you know, a regular gal.  A typical lesbian – if there is such a thing.

We are registered domestic partners.  That felt like enough to me, even though it is definitely a second class citizen category.  I am in favor of marriage equality in theory, and for other people.  I just don’t want to get married!

There’s another aspect that I haven’t told her yet.  My workplace just announced that they will begin treating all same sex married persons the way the IRS does; which means that they will subtract one’s benefit dollars from one’s income pre-tax instead of post-tax.  That makes one’s taxable gross smaller, so that one pays less in income tax.  Well, isn’t that wonderful!  Yes, it is!  But, it’s really going to force my hand.  Why can’t they treat domestic partnership the same?  Wah, wah, wah.  I should be celebrating, not whining.

But, here’s the thing.  I have never been ‘all in’ in this relationship.   I’ve never felt that this was going to last.  I’m astounded that we’re still together after 5 years.  I’m a coward for not breaking up, if I feel that way, but it’s not a bad relationship.  It’s not like either of us is mean to the other or treats the other badly.  We get along well enough.  But, well enough for what?  For marriage?  I don’t think so.

Oh, I know, we can always get divorced if we part ways.  Well, yes, but why would I get married if I thought it was going to end in divorce eventually?  That makes no sense either.  I’m telling you, I had a hard time signing up for domestic partnership for these very reasons.  But, in order to put T on my insurance, I had to. 

So, there I am.  Staring down the specter of marriage when I should be celebrating it.  What’s a gal to do?  What would you do?

Oh, one other piece of news.  Because my partner works for – and volunteers for -  the county animal shelter, we are now fostering a puppy.  Super cute mutt that is probably a cross between a pit bull and a shar pei.  Funny looking little girl dog.  Very smart, very loving, very puppy-ish.  


the only daughter said...

Yeah, right. Precisely what I said about this big old fuzz bucket (poodle mix) laying at my feet right now. And the SECOND cat before her.

Re: the marriage thing: 1. IF I were in a relationship. 2. And said relationship was clicking in all cylinders. 3. AND same sex marriage was legal NATIONWIDE as a matter of national policy. Then, yes, I would certainly entertain the notion, if asked--or if I felt so move to do the askin'

But first things first, gotta find a lady to love and love me back. ;-)

And oh, by the way, good to *see* ya. :-)

8thday said...

I share your distaste for getting married - and Martha and I have been together for 24 years!

However, I am in a better place than you because NEITHER of us want to get married. The problem is that I do worry about Martha’s financial outlook should I predecease her. And my recent health history has really illuminated this issue for me. So mostly we are talking about marriage so that she will have access to my benefits. If we could accomplish that without marriage, I would not even consider marriage. To me it is an odd institution alluding to some kind of ownership. So I agree with you - there should be some mechanism for couples to reap the benefits of a joint relationship without having to formally marry.

And I am sympathizing with your situation. It can’t imagine it would be very pleasant to have your GF wanting to marry while you are hiding, wondering if you even want to be in this relationship. Which does lead to the question - why are you still in this relationship? But I suppose that is a subject for a different blog post : )

Oh, and if I were a betting woman (which I am) I would bet that that little puppy has already found her new home.

e said...

Oh, stop with the puppy, both of you! We have way too many pets already!!!

D: I agree on the NATIONWIDE part of the equation. Thanks for that reminder, and more ammunition!

8: Yes, the 'ownership' part of marriage has always rankled me. And, the big question? Still unanswered.

Anonymous said...

Marriage: there are only two reasons I would get married.

The first, if someone I loved needed healthcare. Straight people have done it all the time. And I would do it to save someone's life. (Not if they needed something minor. But if ill enough to be dying without healthcare? To the freaking chapel. With a prenup. lol)

The second: if I was so head over heels in love that I walked around cross-eyed. I am someone who would like to be married. I like marriage. I do. (hehe, I do.) To a love that I cannot imagine myself without. I would not get married if I didn't feel this way.

So what are you calling your new dog? (g,d,r)

e said...

em: I agree on those reasons for marriage. In fact, one reason we are domestic partners is so that she could be on my insurance.