Oh Dear

Oh dear.

Time has flown, yet again.  Hey, did you know that the phrase ‘Tempus fugit’ doesn’t mean ‘Time flies’ but rather ‘Time flees’.  Still, I learned in university that ‘Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like raspberries.’

Umm… where was I?

Oh, yes, my poor neglected blog.  Sigh.

So, the good news is that we have extended and offer to an applicant for our open position and she has accepted it.  Halle-fucking-lujah!  This time it’s going to be so, so much better than the last time when the top bosses didn’t listen to me.  They hired a nut and we all paid the price.  This time, they agreed with my choice and I have high hopes for this woman in this job.  Extremely qualified.  Friendly, but not pushy or weird with it.  Young enough to think this is a great position, but not childishly young.  I’m hopeful.  This is good news because it means that the unreasonable workload that I and my entire staff have been struggling under will be lifting soon.  Mid October, to be precise.  I am ready for it!

But, I did want to say hello to you all who happen to drift by here every now and again.  Hello!  I also wanted to update you on some goings on around Chez E.

So, the whole marriage equality thing.  Raise your hand if you have mixed emotions about getting married.  Me!  Me!  I do!

We were watching tv the other night and there was something on about gay marriage and T looked over and said, ‘When are we going to get married?’

I have been dreading this conversation for a quite awhile.  I remained silent.

Marriage is now legal in Washington State, which is right across the river from us and just happens to be my partner’s home state.  But, I thought I was safe because hey, we live in Oregon!  Not legal here!  Plenty of our people have crossed the river and pledged their troth in the ‘Couv, though.  It’s easy, if you want to get married.

Then she said, ‘You liked someone’s post about marriage equality, right?  Well, don’t you want to get married?’

I, trying hard not to sound panicky or hunted, said, ‘Well, I believe that we should have equal rights, including marriage, but I don’t necessarily want to get married.’  What a waffler!

‘Why? Why not get married?’ and then the inevitable ‘Don’t you love me enough to get married?’

AAAARRRGGGHHH! 

Don’t go there!  For the love of all things fleeting and temporary, please don’t go there!

Because, no.  I don’t want to get married.

I was married once.  To a man.  It was disastrous.  Thank the Heavens Above that my daughter and I survived.  And, yes, I realize that this is completely different.  T is not a man.  She is a lovely, hardworking, compassionate, funny, attractive, sexy, needy, clingy, joined-at-the-hip, self-doubting woman.  So, you know, a regular gal.  A typical lesbian – if there is such a thing.

We are registered domestic partners.  That felt like enough to me, even though it is definitely a second class citizen category.  I am in favor of marriage equality in theory, and for other people.  I just don’t want to get married!

There’s another aspect that I haven’t told her yet.  My workplace just announced that they will begin treating all same sex married persons the way the IRS does; which means that they will subtract one’s benefit dollars from one’s income pre-tax instead of post-tax.  That makes one’s taxable gross smaller, so that one pays less in income tax.  Well, isn’t that wonderful!  Yes, it is!  But, it’s really going to force my hand.  Why can’t they treat domestic partnership the same?  Wah, wah, wah.  I should be celebrating, not whining.

But, here’s the thing.  I have never been ‘all in’ in this relationship.   I’ve never felt that this was going to last.  I’m astounded that we’re still together after 5 years.  I’m a coward for not breaking up, if I feel that way, but it’s not a bad relationship.  It’s not like either of us is mean to the other or treats the other badly.  We get along well enough.  But, well enough for what?  For marriage?  I don’t think so.

Oh, I know, we can always get divorced if we part ways.  Well, yes, but why would I get married if I thought it was going to end in divorce eventually?  That makes no sense either.  I’m telling you, I had a hard time signing up for domestic partnership for these very reasons.  But, in order to put T on my insurance, I had to. 

So, there I am.  Staring down the specter of marriage when I should be celebrating it.  What’s a gal to do?  What would you do?

Oh, one other piece of news.  Because my partner works for – and volunteers for -  the county animal shelter, we are now fostering a puppy.  Super cute mutt that is probably a cross between a pit bull and a shar pei.  Funny looking little girl dog.  Very smart, very loving, very puppy-ish.  

WE ARE NOT KEEPING HER!

6 December 2012

Washington State Pride!

Congratulations to all of the same sex couples who lined up at their County buildings in order to receive their official, state sanctioned marriage licenses!

I looked at the news last night and this morning, at the faces full of emotion, and thought, how can anyone say that this is bad or wrong or evil?  The comments on the local news websites were mostly positive but always the sour note creeping in from some troll or another.

My gal is from Vancouver and if we lived over the river we might have celebrated the date differently.  As it is, we cheered from Portland and looked for familiar faces on the news.

T did not bring up the possibility of our getting married.  Whether that's because she doesn't want to or doesn't want to find out that I don't want to, I can't tell.  Also, we live in Oregon, not Washington.  And, the whole marriage thing is gesture until we have federal recognition.  We already file joint taxes in Oregon since we are registered domestic partners.  Is it enough?  Hell no.  I don't like being denied my rights as a citizen.  Is it going to change?  Of course it is.  Remember that old saying, 'When the people lead, the leaders will follow'?  Eventually, it won't be an issue.

But, do I want to get married?

No.

How about you?

Milk

We saw “Milk” the other day. It was heartbreaking – in more than one way.

I grew up in the Bay Area, not San Francisco, but down the peninsula. I remember the times; I remember seeing Harvey Milk at a Pride parade in the City. It was wild back then! It was good and bad. One day it felt like anything was possible. The next day our gay brothers were dying right and left.

I remember the day that Milk and Moscone were shot. I remember the newscast when Dianne Feinstein announced their murders and took charge. I remember crying. I remember the absolute incredulity we felt at the “Twinkie Defense” and the outrage at the brevity of the sentence.

And, while I remembered all of that, watching the movie, what really broke my heart is the realization that we are still fighting the same damned battle. We are still second class citizens. We are still denied our civil rights. Sometimes it feels like progress is being made, but mostly it’s one step forward – two steps back. I get discouraged sometimes at the lack of real, substantive progress, the kind that is codified into law.

But, yes, there has been progress. My girlfriend and I are able to live openly. We can hold hands in the grocery store. Ok, only in the “gay” Fred Meyer by our house in NE Portland; we’d never do that in, say, Vancouver or Gresham or Hillsboro. Again, a glimmer of change but limited. My employer can’t fire me because I’m gay. In fact, I am able to cover my girlfriend on my health insurance – that’s a huge step forward. True, same sex domestic partners are taxed on the benefit while heterosexual married couples are not. Why is there always a qualification to the progress? Why does there have to be two steps back?

I know that in the future there will be equal rights for all. I know that we will have to fight to win those rights. My hope is that in the future, if I have a mixed race, homosexual, differently-abled great grandchild, she or he will have the same rights and privileges as any other citizen of the country.

We’ve got a long road ahead.

Anniversaries

Anniversary: 26 January 2009

Most people celebrate anniversaries of one sort or another ~ birthdays, weddings, special or significant days in their lives. Today is the anniversary of the day I met my girlfriend.

We celebrated it (sort of) on Saturday night instead of today, Monday. We met at a lesbian dance called Hot Flash. It’s a good time mob scene at a club in Portland’s Old Town district. They bill themselves as “seasoned sapphists and their allies” or something like that. It’s a great thing for women of a certain age and orientation to have a dance of our own. The youngsters have all sorts of L4L dances and really, their music is marginal. This one is ours and there are a lot of us.

So we decided that we would always celebrate by going to the January Hot Flash dance and call it our anniversary. But, then we started talking about other significant dates and there are a few. Should we mark the date that we first slept together? How about the date that we decided to be in an exclusive relationship? Or when she moved into my house? What about the day we filed for domestic partnership, that’s pretty significant. Of course, we are holding out for a “wedding anniversary” someday.

We thought about going to California last summer and getting married. But, our families are here in Oregon and Washington and we want to celebrate the day with them. And, then the opportunity was snatched away. We are not going to Massachusetts to get married, or Canada. We want a local option! We want to get married in our town, and have our government recognize our union. City, county, state and federal recognition is what I’m aiming for. I want to be able to file a joint tax return, and share the meager crumbs of each other’s Social Security. I don’t believe that’s too much to ask.

But, that giant issue aside, when we are allowed to marry, we will be picking a date between November and April. When we met we were the same age and I loved that fact. Since my birthday is in April, for half the year I am older than she. I like it to be even. We like our relationship to be 50/50 as much as possible. So, sometime between November and April we’ll be creating yet another anniversary to celebrate; someday.