Life as a Pollyanna
It's so pleasant to live life looking for the positive in all things.
Except when reality rears up and smacks one in the face.
So, yes, I thought things were pretty smooth with the gal. I thought we had weathered the worst of the transition to living apart and now everything would move easily along. Ha. Silly me. There's lots more drama stored up in that woman than I was expecting. She had a huge meltdown this past weekend.
It started because I went to a soccer match with a friend. A friend, yes a lesbian friend, but still a friend and not a fling. T knows this friend well and knows that I have zero interest in her except as a friend.
And, here's the thing that really bugs me: this particular friend, Ang, has been a consistent and regular and welcoming person, inviting me/us over for drinks or meals or game nights, etc. I've known her longer than I've known T, and she has been a better friend than any of T's friends.
The soccer match (Go Thorns!) was last Wednesday. Then, because summer is almost over and time's awasting, Ang and I decided to can peaches on Saturday. It's a long and laborious project, but we did it last year and wanted to do it again. As to be expected, it took hours and hours to get through 3 boxes of peaches. (Boy, do they look good!) However, my squirrel-brained partner decided that I was avoiding her and surely looking to 'hook up' with Ang. Oh, good grief.
The real kicker was that there was another soccer match on Sunday. I had planned to go to it, again with Ang because she has season tickets and offered. T knew this. But, on Sunday while we were watching football, she had a meltdown about how I was choosing Ang over her and why didn't I just admit that I wanted to break up with her and be with someone else. Much drama ensued.
Here's the thing, people: I'm 57 years old. I am not interested in playing these stupid relationship games. It's like fucking high school around here, sometimes. I DO NOT LIKE THAT.
And, I do not like having to justify my life. I get to have friends. I get to have other interests. I get to live my life the way that I want to. I'm 57! I'm not going to spend the next couple of decades making sure someone else is 'ok' with the choices I make.
Here's what I want: A partner who has a life of her own but enjoys spending quality time with me. Someone who doesn't assume that I'm unfaithful just because I have friends and a life of my own. I'm not certain that T is that person.
Now, I know that I can swing back and forth on the relationship pendulum. There are things I love about T and reasons I want to be with her, but when shit like this blows up - all I want to do is shut it down. I'm in a shut it down mood this week, for sure.
But, because plans are made long in advance, we just happen to be going camping this weekend with our friends and best neighbors. We are going on Friday and coming home on Monday. I'm not worried about how we will get along. We are champions at smoothing things over. And, we are all looking forward to getting out of the city and into the woods. It's a good thing, and it's one of the things we both enjoy. Hell, all four of us enjoy it! We will definitely have a good time. Our issues will not go away, but we will be able to put them on hold for a few days.
Long term, though, this situation may be asking too much of T. I know that she would rather be in a more traditional relationship than I am offering. I know that this is better for me, but it's up to her to decide if it's going to be enough for her satisfaction.
In the meantime, bring on the camping! Bring on the Forest Bathing!