30 September 2009


I wrote a long blog post about our trip to the beach and posted it on my family blog. I thought about cross posting it here but the things I didn’t say in my family blog are the things I want to write about here. The family blog post boils down to this: we went to the beach, saw some stuff, ate some stuff, walked the dogs, had fun, went home.

What I didn’t write about is sex.

Sometimes I think the world should be divided into those who like sex and want it and those who don’t and don’t. Unfortunately, T and I are in opposing camps on this one.

I like sex. I would like to have more than I am currently getting. I think once a week would be great, or even once every two weeks. I think that once a month is not nearly enough and anything longer than that is way too long.

My girlfriend seems to be less and less interested. When we got together she was ardent enough and we had lots of good sex. Fake out! Her interest and willingness have been steadily declining. When we talk about it and I ask why she says, it’s too much work, she’s too tired, she’s rarely in the mood, etc.

For awhile it was a big bone of contention. She felt like I was pressuring her, I felt like she was holding out on me. So, I said that I wouldn’t ask or start anything but that didn’t mean that I didn’t want to. After about a month she asked me why I didn’t find her attractive anymore. WTF?!?!?!! Good lord, woman! You didn’t want me to pressure you! I’m not bringing it up because you don’t want it! ARGH!!!

We sorted that out. We are settling into what I can only describe as middle-aged complacency. It’s not enough for me but compared to the many years that I lived alone and wasn’t dating, it’s tolerable.

So, last weekend we were going to the beach. About a month before we went I said something about getting frisky at the beach. Then a week before I mentioned the frisky factor again. A couple of days before we were sitting on the couch and I curled up next to T and said, ‘How about a little sumpin, sumpin at the beach, baby?’ She laughed and said that sounded good. So, here I am, laying the ground work, making the reminder calls, maybe (hopefully) not being overbearing but letting her know that I desire her and find her attractive and sexy.

And, what’s missing from the beach trip? Sex. Ok, Friday night, no worries. It’s been a long week and we’re both tired. Saturday night? Perfect time, right? Well, there we are in bed, I’m rubbing up against her and she’s watching Happy Feet on tv. We kissed for a few minutes and then fell asleep. Sunday morning (morning is not my favorite time but I’ll take what I can get) she reaches over, starts playing around down there and then gets up and takes a shower.

That’s where the petulant part comes in. I could have behaved better. I could have just let it go and figured, eh, next time. But, no, not me. I was sullen. I was silent. I was petulant. I was badly disappointed! I had been looking forward to it for weeks. I tried for civility but it was a quiet and subdued civility.

On the Long Beach, Washington peninsula there is a place called Cape Disappointment. We stopped and looked at the lighthouse there. My camera batteries were dead but I said, oh we need a picture of Cape Disappointment! All I got was a look.

When we got home she said, you’re not getting enough sugar, are you baby? I said, no, you know I’m not.

The good news is that she broke down finally on Sunday night and we had a nice roll in the hay.

I’m not sure if this is something I am blowing out of proportion; if it is simply a matter of different levels of sexual desire. I am not willing to be one of the statistics for Lesbian Bed Death. I like sex. I think it’s normal and healthy to have sex. I start to get worried and my self esteem drops if we don’t have sex. Because, of course, she doesn’t find me attractive anymore… because I’m too short, and chunky, and not girly enough, and not a good enough lover. You know, like that.

At one point, some months ago, T said that if I wasn’t getting enough sex I could go outside the relationship. Ok, she didn’t actually mean it. And, I can’t imagine doing that. The emotional bonds are too strong and I’m just not the play the field type. One woman at a time is enough for me. She withdrew the offer not long after she made it. Occasionally I’ll mention it, just to get a reaction from her.

Another factor is menopause. I’m done (YAY!) and T is in that unsettling totally random phase where you just can’t predict when you will have a period or how heavy/light it will be, or how long it will last, or any of that. And, I know that women’s bodies change a lot during “The Change.” But, shouldn’t the relative increase in testosterone make us more horny? I can guarantee that she isn’t drying up, so that’s not a factor (plus, hello, lube!).

From what I know of her young adult days, she was quite into sex back then. I feel a little cheated, honestly. I thought she had a healthy libido, cuz she sure gave me that impression when we first started going out. It’s been slowing down ever since.

There might not be anything I can do about it. I don’t like being a petulant brat but I also don’t like being left hanging like that. I know I can get myself off, but it’s just not the same. Plus, I really desire this woman. For someone who is about to turn 50 she has the most amazing breasts! Beautiful! And sometimes, when we’re driving I’ll look over at her long legs and just be filled with lust! And she is beautiful and has the most amazing cheekbones! She is physically very attractive to me and I would like to fuck her every day. Maybe not every day, but every other day…


weese said...

get her hormones checked. menopause can wreak havoc on sexual desire.
also ...turn off the TV.

Anonymous said...

I can imagine that it's not easy for you. Of course it messes with your self esteem and it isn't fair to you that she isn't making sex more of a priority. Perhaps you should consider coming up with a schedule, I know it sounds awful but it could really help. You never know. Best of luck.

eb said...

People who say sex isn't important in a relationship need to get laid. hehehe. I think it's very important so I can imagine it's gotta be incredibly frustrating to be with someone you lust after who just isn't in the mood.

Try quickie sex for a while. Maybe if T thinks that sex will only be 5 minutes, she'll warm up to it more and that will lead to a longer session here and there. While 5 minutes is not exactly ideal, it's better than nothing.

Tell her, you just want a few minutes. Ask her to put out just for that. You might find, after a few weeks of quickies, she will be the one wanting more.

8thdayplanner said...

Martha and I have been going through very similar conflicts in libido. I recognize everything you are saying. I am definitely more sex oriented right now while Martha is going through swings which I also believe to be hormonal. Months could go by without her having any interest and than maybe there would be a few days of willingness. I say "willingness" because I don't think she is particularly sex driven during those times. Just doesn't have an objection. (Not exactly ego boosting for me)

For a long time I think I put too much pressure on her which had the exact opposite response of what I was hoping for, she just withdrew further. But then I realized that much of my need was not sex, per se, but the need for intimacy. And I talked to her about that. I was very honest in my feelings and told her I really needed to be held, and that in lieu of sex, would it be possible for some lower level intimacy. I gave her some suggestions as to what I was hoping for - kissing the back of my neck, caressing a breast, a thigh, etc. - for just a few minutes before sleep or upon waking. And this seems to have acheived a good compromise for us. She does not feel presure to do something she does not feel like doing, I am getting at least some physical affection, we both enjoy some shared intimacy without pressure, and sometimes (not as often as I'd like) these gestures wind up turning into more.

I am hopeful that when we are safely through menopause, we will return to a more "normal" routine. But we have found a way to meet half way that we can both live with until the next chapter begins. And really, half way is better than nothing at all.

Jen said...

Start feeding her lots of salmon, carrots, broccoli, red meat and zinc...to surreptitiously boost her testosterone levels.

I was once in a relationship where I had been duped about libido too, its a hard hard road!

e said...

Thanks for all of the great suggestions! It's a struggle, to be sure, finding a balance that both partners like. I don't like feeling like a horn-dog, and I really don't think I am!

Let's see ~ salmon for dinner tonight, no tv, snuggle on the couch, a micro-snog and schedule one for next week. I'm in business!

LissaG said...

I've been there, and its very frustrating for everyone and really hammers your self-esteem at the same time.
My experience was - while I craved the sex and was very physically attracted to my GF - what I really wanted more than anything was the intimacy. So, we worked on touching and kissing and massaging and that seemed to help. It made a difference in my self esteem, if not my horn-dogness.
FOr what its worth - sex does matter in relationships, it is important and you are not being petulant for wanting a full sex life that satisfies you.
Lesbian bed death - arrrgggh!!!

Anonymous said...

I have no advice for you. I know this is a common thing, this ebb and flow of a long term sex life, but I am with you, it needs to be more often. That intimacy is important. It sets apart different relationships, especially woman to woman. She must miss it too?

Darlene said...

I just found your blog through Grumpy Granny. OMG! It is like reading my life story here. lol Same issue....I'm done and she is just starting with the menopause. Went to the GYN last week and they offered her a patch and gave her samples. She has to wait till the blood test results come back before she can start them though. I have my fingers crossed! If it works I will pass the info on. Great read! Will add you to my Google Reader. :~D