09 June 2011


I had a good reminder last night to get the hell out of my head.

I've got a lot on my mind right now.  The number one issue being my mom, of course.  Also, it's the busy season at my work and there might not be enough hours in the week to get everything done.  I'm working overtime every week.

On the flip side, my partner is underemployed.  It is aggravating to be working so hard and getting phone calls about how much fun it is to be downtown watching the ships come in at the waterfront.  (T is great for keeping me updated about her every move.)  I don't begrudge her the fun, I just wish I was having some.

So, after hearing (a couple of times) about her escapades downtown, I finally make it home through rush hour traffic.  I'm on the front porch struggling with an armful of crap while digging my house keys out of my backpack.  I'm in a hurry because I have to leave immediately to go teach a class across town.  I get in the front door to find her napping on the couch, completely out.

Ok, I confess that I closed the door rather harder than I should have.  I didn't slam it, but I made sure it closed firmly.  Yes, I was pissy.  I was disgruntled.  I was short tempered.

I looked down at her and said, "Are you comfortable?  You look a little warm with that blanket on."  Then I went upstairs, changed my clothes, came back down and gathered up my stuff and left.  I closed the door very gently on the way out.

Here's the thing.  On Monday and Wednesday evenings I teach martial arts to kids.  The class I am currently teaching is fairly small, only about a dozen of them, and ranging in age from 6 to 12.  These kids are awesome!  Two of them are preparing to test for their next rank.  They are so focused and determined.  I worked with these two for most of the hour, while the rest of the class worked on another form with an upper rank teenager who came to help out.  Everyone - the testing kids, the rest of the kids, the helper and even me- was completely present, working hard and having a great class.

My mood on the way home was a complete turnaround from the drive over there.  For an hour I left my worries and my crankiness behind.  It gave me a chance to take a breath, look at my actions and attitudes, and get a fucking grip!

I can't do anything about T's employment situation, but I don't have to be bitter and resentful about it.  I can't do anything about my mom's lung cancer, except hope and pray and hold the good thought and be there for her.  I can't do anything about my work except keep at it and relax after mid-July.

The old truth remains: I can only change myself.  My attitude is up to me.  Today will be better.


Sigh said...

Yup, you are human! A lovely kind human that is actually capable of reflecting back on her thoughts and feelings. heart.

8thdayplanner said...

You know e, I was right there with you - I am the only one who has to work in the summer - I leave with everyone still in bed and come home at lunch while they are pool side. I understand the underlying resentment.

But then you went and got all noble at the end. On a hot, sunny summer day, I think I'll stick with bitter : )

e said...

Noble, ha! Mostly I was just fed up with myself.

The funny thing is, we had our therapy appt this morning and I brought it up. T said she didn't even realize that I was pissy ~ she was too groggy from her nap. So, basically I wasted all that negativity and only tormented myself with it. Appropriate, I guess.


Grumpy Granny said...

Carrie Fisher said it best: "Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Could I have written that post? Oh, yes, indeed, I could have and often do. Working from home is still working, and I often have overtime situations, too. It's really interesting how physical activity (your martial arts, my swimming, etc.) really helps both of us get a better perspective of things. Humans were made to move and be outdoors. I think the office thing is so stultifying to the spirit.

Glad you are feeling better. Still holding you and your mom in the light.



the only daughter said...

I can relate. Peace to you and family.

Jen said...

Ah the Badditdue, it gets us sometimes. But it passes too! Hang in there!

Maria said...

Good hell...I would have slammed the fucking door...

Kyle said...

I like what GG said about resentment, it only hurts those of us who are swallowing it whole. My two cents: don't swallow it, don't feel guilty for it, find a way to talk about it. Blogging and grousing to trusted friends are excellent ways to vent. It is definitely possible to feel resentment about a situation and know that it's not the other person's fault. Best of luck.