Suggestions?

My gf has a birthday coming up this month. Not just any birthday, either, it's the big 5-0!

Several months ago she had thought that it would be pretty great to go to Hawai'i for her birthday. Well, hell yes, it would be! And, it would have the added bonus of getting us out of town during the Thanksgiving holiday. No worries about hosting the dinner or whose house to go to, just us on a white sand beach. Well, she decided that she didn't want to do that after all.

I suggested just a weekend at the beach or the mountains or the Columbia Gorge. Stay at a nice hotel or B&B and just chill for a weekend. She thought about that for a few days and decided that no, she didn't want to do that either.

Well, how about just a night downtown in a fancy hotel and dinner somewhere swanky? No, she actually doesn't want to go anywhere. She doesn't want to leave the pets, especially the kittens (but wait, I said, we went to the beach a month or so ago and they were fine!). Nope. Doesn't want to go.

OK. I can accept that. We'll stay home. But, she doesn't want a party either. Now, I had a big party for my 50th in the spring. And had a smashingly good time. But, she is not as social as I am and the idea doesn't appeal at all. What about just a few close friends? No. Well, can we go out to dinner with our close friends? No. But maybe we can meet up with them after dinner. Finally! Finally getting some answers here!

So, it looks like we'll have dinner out and then maybe, just maybe, meet some friends and go to a club. Maybe some dancing, maybe some pool. She is being fairly difficult over this one!

I have a few ideas for gifts but haven't come up with anything that feels just right. That's where you all come in! I'm open to suggestions. So far I have purchased a New Orleans Saints hoodie, and a gift coupon for a massage. I'm going to pick up some shirts at Old Navy. I'm also getting her a planer ~ a woodworking tool ~ which I know she wants.

What to get the butch who has most everything she desires? Anyone have any brilliant ideas?

Public Transportation

I have started a dozen blog posts but been unable to finish anything. So, to give myself an encouraging boost, I’ll keep this short and reach the end.

I’ve written before about the trials and tribulations of the bus commute. One of my pet peeves is with people who let their stuff occupy a seat while other people stand. Yesterday afternoon a guy reached a new, unheard of depth in seat hogging.

He was sitting in the aisle seat and left the window seat next to him vacant. Typical. I walked down the aisle, drippy from the rain, breathless from running to catch the #77, and saw an empty pair of seats in front of this guy. As I reached the vacant spot, I saw that there was a backpack and a pair of gloves lying there. I looked back to the front of the bus, thinking that maybe the passenger who was talking to the driver was coming back to this seat. No. The guy in the seat behind reached over and picked them up. He was using four seats! Four! One for his lazy ass and three for his stuff! Argh! It’s public transportation, buddy, not your personal coach service. Jerk.

Old and Odd

My girlfriend has a stalker. And, boy is that irritating!

We live in a neighborhood with a pretty decent number of people like us. Our next door neighbor is a big ol’ gay man with a stable of pretty boys. Around the corner are a couple of lesbian couples, and down the block is a great combination of two gay men with kids and two lesbians with kids who live next door to each other and share yards and toys. There are more than that but those are the ones I see the most.

For a while, the guy next door had an older lesbian living in the house with him. He travels a lot and she was a sort of housekeeper/pet sitter for him. Apparently they have been friends for years and have lived with this kind of arrangement before. Joan has since moved to a different house in the neighborhood but we still see her over there.

Because we live in the city, our yards are visible from the neighboring houses. So, anytime they are at their kitchen sink, they are looking into our back yard. Last summer T and I built a deck. They watched the progress with neighborly interest and would wave occasionally or holler out, “Looks good!” That’s fine. A little encouragement is friendly. Eventually though, it became intrusive. Joan began making a habit of offering unsolicited advice.

After finishing the deck, T started on a landscaping project. She would be on her hands and knees laying a brick pathway and every time she turned around, there was Joan, watching her from the window. If T went out to mow the grass in the front, out came Joan to walk her dogs. When there are neighborhood functions, she’ll be standing apart, scanning the crowd, until T shows up and then she makes a bee line over to say hi. Creepy.

Now, I know that my girlfriend is attractive and that she has a personality that draws people to her. All of her clients adore her. Sometimes they are irritating with it, like when they call repeatedly to ask her advice about paint, or to change their minds about a remodel. Mostly though, they respect her privacy. Except Joan.

T was next door working on a project last month when Joan and Rick arrived. They chatted for a few minutes and T mentioned that we had won tickets to see Bonnie Raitt. Joan, of course, LOVES Bonnie Raitt and would LOVE to go to the concert! T said something like, oh, too bad it’s sold out. You think that stopped her? Hell no! She was on Craigslist that day and got tickets.

When we were in line waiting to get into the venue here came Joan walking to the end of the line and searching for T. As soon as she saw us, she called out and came over to stand next to us. T was beyond irritated. In fact, we left the line and went to drink a beer in one of the bars rather than wait in the blazing sun with the crazy old broad. It’s open seating at the Edgefield and we made sure that we couldn’t see her anywhere when we sat down. At the intermission, we went to smoke a cigarette with some friends and were standing away from the crowd behind some trees. Surprise, surprise, here comes Joan, looking for T! She’s not a smoker so she doesn’t need to be standing around with all the reprobates. She must have realized that there was no good reason for her to be there because she turned around and left.

And me? I’m not sure she remembers my name. I know she thinks I’m not good enough for T. When I see her in the grocery store she doesn’t say hi, she asks me what T is working on now. Tells me how lucky I am to have such a hard working and productive partner, and so attractive too! Wow. Really? You think you need to school me in how to appreciate my partner? Fuck the hell off, bitch.

I’m glad she isn’t living next door anymore, but she is still in the neighborhood. I swear she only walks her dogs on our street, our block even. It’s pretty annoying but hopefully that’s as escalated as it will get.

What the ...

I got home from work yesterday to find that the women's health clinic had rescheduled T's appointment. Pushed it back a week. I think that they had scheduled her in the resident clinic and then read the report and thought they might as well start with a faculty doctor since she would have to be seen by faculty anyway. That's fine. It'll end up saving a needless trip to the stirrup table.

I also had a piece of mail waiting for me from the mammography department. I need to go back in for additional views ~ it seems there are some suspicious calcifications that they want to look at more thoroughly. I'm going to try and get in there today.

Honestly, my stomach is a little queasy. Too much medical stuff! Do Not Want!!!!!!

Doctor Visit

I am fortunate enough to have an employer that allows me to have my partner covered on my health insurance. There. That’s a positive start!

So, T had an appointment on Friday to see the family practice doctor. She mainly went in because she has chronic back pain and it has been bothering her lately. But, while I was making the appointment for her they suggested an annual exam and yes, it had been awhile, so we threw that fun time in too.

Now, before I ramble on about the appointment, I have to say that the night before we got into a huge argument. I left in a stony silence in the morning. About a half hour before the appointment I called her at home to ask where I should meet her. I generally go with her to her appointments because she is a big baby when it comes to anything medical, and really, it’s better to have your advocate at your side asking the questions anyway. So, we tersely decided to meet in the lobby.

I got there ahead of her and we rode up to the 9th floor, again in silence. Checked in at the desk and prepared for the customary long wait. They actually called her back one minute ahead of schedule.

We both went in the exam room. Sometimes the provider is disconcerted by that, other times not. So, they went over the history and physical, wrote down all of the notes, etc. We had a little fun with the questions about safe sex… gotta get a laugh when you can in those situations.

So, I had asked T beforehand if I could look while she got the Pap smear. Cuz, you know, I’ve seen the outside as thoroughly as possible, I was curious about what the inside of her pussy looked like. Who wouldn’t be?! She rolled her eyes and said ok. Might have called me a perv, but whatever.

So, the doctor gets out the speculum and I step behind her to take a peek. She used an average sized speculum which was too big for T. She was clearly in pain. I had to give up my vantage point to go hold her hand. The doc switched to a smaller speculum and tried again. I popped back around to get my once in a lifetime view.

I just barely got a glimpse when the doctor pulled out the speculum, jumped up, and said, “I’ll be right back. There is an unusual lesion there and I want to ask one of my colleagues about it.” She pretty much bolted out of there.

OK, I don’t know about you but when the doctor is scared, the patient is scared. We were left in the exam room staring at each other thinking all the worst possible diagnoses. Lesion? Unusual?

After a couple of minutes the doctor came back in and (somewhat feebly) reassured us that it was probably fine but that she would put in an order for T to be seen in the ObGyn clinic. But first, she wanted us to go downstairs for an ultrasound.

We go for the ultrasound, and since that’s part of my department, we get in right away. We have about 15 sonographers in the department and all but two are women. Naturally we got the one dude who was on duty that week. He’s cool though, and about as low testosterone and nonthreatening as a hetero guy can be. So, he’s scanning her lower abdomen and not getting a very good view. He tells her he is going to have to do the transvaginal view as well. That probe is a lot smaller than a dildo, thank god! She’s already traumatized.

He found a vascular polyp that originates in her uterus and grew down and out of her cervix. The pictures are pretty weird looking. When he turned on the Doppler, we could see that there is a lot of blood flow to the damned thing. There was actually one view where it looked like it had a face. Creepy!

One of my radiologists told me not to worry, that it will not be a big ordeal to get it removed. Still, it was a nerve wracking couple of hours, let me tell you. She has a follow up appointment on Thursday with the gynecologist.

As I walked her to the car in the parking garage, I said, “You’re going all out to make sure I’m not mad at you anymore.” She said, “Did it work?”

Friday afternoon

My phone buzzed while I was in the exam room.

T: What are you doing?

Me: I can’t talk right now, I’m having my boobs squeezed.

T: WHAT?!?!?!

Me: A mammogram, duh!

T: What? You’re having a mammogram? Why didn’t you tell me this morning?

Me: They had a cancellation so I just walked over… but, let me call you back. Really.

What can I say, it gave me a little pleasure to tease her like that. And, when you can get pleasure out of a mammogram, I say go for it!

Petulant

I wrote a long blog post about our trip to the beach and posted it on my family blog. I thought about cross posting it here but the things I didn’t say in my family blog are the things I want to write about here. The family blog post boils down to this: we went to the beach, saw some stuff, ate some stuff, walked the dogs, had fun, went home.

What I didn’t write about is sex.

Sometimes I think the world should be divided into those who like sex and want it and those who don’t and don’t. Unfortunately, T and I are in opposing camps on this one.

I like sex. I would like to have more than I am currently getting. I think once a week would be great, or even once every two weeks. I think that once a month is not nearly enough and anything longer than that is way too long.

My girlfriend seems to be less and less interested. When we got together she was ardent enough and we had lots of good sex. Fake out! Her interest and willingness have been steadily declining. When we talk about it and I ask why she says, it’s too much work, she’s too tired, she’s rarely in the mood, etc.

For awhile it was a big bone of contention. She felt like I was pressuring her, I felt like she was holding out on me. So, I said that I wouldn’t ask or start anything but that didn’t mean that I didn’t want to. After about a month she asked me why I didn’t find her attractive anymore. WTF?!?!?!! Good lord, woman! You didn’t want me to pressure you! I’m not bringing it up because you don’t want it! ARGH!!!

We sorted that out. We are settling into what I can only describe as middle-aged complacency. It’s not enough for me but compared to the many years that I lived alone and wasn’t dating, it’s tolerable.

So, last weekend we were going to the beach. About a month before we went I said something about getting frisky at the beach. Then a week before I mentioned the frisky factor again. A couple of days before we were sitting on the couch and I curled up next to T and said, ‘How about a little sumpin, sumpin at the beach, baby?’ She laughed and said that sounded good. So, here I am, laying the ground work, making the reminder calls, maybe (hopefully) not being overbearing but letting her know that I desire her and find her attractive and sexy.

And, what’s missing from the beach trip? Sex. Ok, Friday night, no worries. It’s been a long week and we’re both tired. Saturday night? Perfect time, right? Well, there we are in bed, I’m rubbing up against her and she’s watching Happy Feet on tv. We kissed for a few minutes and then fell asleep. Sunday morning (morning is not my favorite time but I’ll take what I can get) she reaches over, starts playing around down there and then gets up and takes a shower.

That’s where the petulant part comes in. I could have behaved better. I could have just let it go and figured, eh, next time. But, no, not me. I was sullen. I was silent. I was petulant. I was badly disappointed! I had been looking forward to it for weeks. I tried for civility but it was a quiet and subdued civility.

On the Long Beach, Washington peninsula there is a place called Cape Disappointment. We stopped and looked at the lighthouse there. My camera batteries were dead but I said, oh we need a picture of Cape Disappointment! All I got was a look.

When we got home she said, you’re not getting enough sugar, are you baby? I said, no, you know I’m not.

The good news is that she broke down finally on Sunday night and we had a nice roll in the hay.

I’m not sure if this is something I am blowing out of proportion; if it is simply a matter of different levels of sexual desire. I am not willing to be one of the statistics for Lesbian Bed Death. I like sex. I think it’s normal and healthy to have sex. I start to get worried and my self esteem drops if we don’t have sex. Because, of course, she doesn’t find me attractive anymore… because I’m too short, and chunky, and not girly enough, and not a good enough lover. You know, like that.

At one point, some months ago, T said that if I wasn’t getting enough sex I could go outside the relationship. Ok, she didn’t actually mean it. And, I can’t imagine doing that. The emotional bonds are too strong and I’m just not the play the field type. One woman at a time is enough for me. She withdrew the offer not long after she made it. Occasionally I’ll mention it, just to get a reaction from her.

Another factor is menopause. I’m done (YAY!) and T is in that unsettling totally random phase where you just can’t predict when you will have a period or how heavy/light it will be, or how long it will last, or any of that. And, I know that women’s bodies change a lot during “The Change.” But, shouldn’t the relative increase in testosterone make us more horny? I can guarantee that she isn’t drying up, so that’s not a factor (plus, hello, lube!).

From what I know of her young adult days, she was quite into sex back then. I feel a little cheated, honestly. I thought she had a healthy libido, cuz she sure gave me that impression when we first started going out. It’s been slowing down ever since.

There might not be anything I can do about it. I don’t like being a petulant brat but I also don’t like being left hanging like that. I know I can get myself off, but it’s just not the same. Plus, I really desire this woman. For someone who is about to turn 50 she has the most amazing breasts! Beautiful! And sometimes, when we’re driving I’ll look over at her long legs and just be filled with lust! And she is beautiful and has the most amazing cheekbones! She is physically very attractive to me and I would like to fuck her every day. Maybe not every day, but every other day…

What's it Worth?

As I may have mentioned a time or twenty, my partner was laid off last year. She has had a couple of crappy jobs since then, but has not found anything good in her field. This has had a negative effect on her state of mind, of course.

But, she has been working for herself pretty steadily over the past couple of months and is now earning more like what she should be earning. What a difference in how she feels about herself! She has taken me out to dinner a couple of times recently and this weekend we are headed to the beach. Yay for the beach! She is insisting on paying for everything and I’ll let her pay for the hotel for sure, and the gas to get there and back, but I’m not letting her pay for everything.

This morning I had to drive to work instead of riding my bike and it costs $10 to park. She very happily whipped ten bucks out of her wallet as I was getting ready to leave. She had a big grin on her face and said, “Daddy’s back!” How cute is that?!

Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach.

Race for the Cure

This Sunday is Race for the Cure day in Portland. I’ll be there with my girlfriend and, thankfully, my mom. My daughter will be sleeping in for the cure, in Des Moines.

Ten years ago, maybe eleven now, my mom was diagnosed with ductal carcinoma. Her primary care doctor scolded her for not getting a mammogram that year and insisted that she do so in the following week. Thank you, Dr Zelko! They found a tiny white speck on her films that, upon biopsy, was indeed cancerous. She had a bilateral mastectomy within the month.

The doctors had said that they didn’t need to take both of her breasts since the cancer was only on one side. She told them that she had no need for them anymore and to just take them both off. “Besides” she said, “odds are it will come back in ten years and I don’t intend to do this again when I’m in my 70’s.”

As they wheeled her into surgery, she sat up in the gurney, lifted her gown up in front and flashed my dad. She said, “Take your last look at heaven, buster!”

Her recovery went pretty well. After she was up and about she took to walking around the house topless. She told me that she was going to go do some gardening in the front yard without a shirt on. She said, “Hey! Men get to go shirtless all the time, why can’t I? I don’t even have nipples!” I told her not to be ridiculous, with her pale skin just imagine the sunburn she’d get.

Her chest is criss-crossed with scars. She loves how flat it is. She feels liberated without those fleshy appendages. She has encouraged me to get a bilateral mastectomy ~ preventative medicine, she says. I have ambivalent feelings about my breasts and always wish they were smaller. I don’t think the insurance will pay for that, though.

I feel so lucky to still have my mom in my life. She is one of my greatest champions, always fiercely defending her family, always helping us be the best people we can, always encouraging, protecting, enlightening. My dad is right there too. I was blessed to born into a loving family.

When we step out tomorrow and head downtown for the Race, we’ll be doing it at mom’s pace. We usually stroll for the cure. Some years we only go a few blocks and she says, “Let’s go get a cup of coffee and a pastry.” So we do. Of course we do. We’ll amble through the tents and vendor displays, we’ll get our souvenir scarf, we’ll mingle with the throng of women in pink and then we’ll go home and watch football and drink mimosas. I got some pink champagne for the occasion.

Turning it around

Work has been super busy lately with all sorts of new requests and new requirements. We laid off a team member early this year and everyone is working harder than ever. Since I am in charge, I have the option of delegating new assignments, but I don’t feel like I can dump any more work on any of the rest of the group. I’m going to have to eventually, because I can’t keep doing all of the extra work myself.

I’ve also had too much stuff scheduled on the weekends lately and the lack of down time really drains me. Plus, I look out at the garden and know that I should be starting the fall clean up chores; I look at the building projects and know that I should be putting more time in on them; I look at the house and know that it shouldn’t be this messy… you get the picture.

Last night a self defense class that I teach to student nurses started. Actually, it started last week and one of my teammates covered for me because it was the same night as the Bonnie Raitt concert. So, last night was my first night with the class. I got home from work feeling tired, a little out of sorts, and not in any mood to put on my uniform, schlep my gear across town, turn on the energy, and teach. But of course I did. Of course I did. And I am so glad!

The class was great! The women are all very enthusiastic and willing to try all sorts of stuff that is out of their comfort zone. They were excited to be hitting the pads and were hitting HARD! They were using their voice, they were using their stance and body language, they were dropping their breath. Everything I asked of them, they participated fully. What a wonderful group! I left there feeling so much better than when I arrived. It’s amazing how transformative physical activity can be. Especially when it is directed in a positive and empowering way.

The neighborhood where these women go to school is in a part of downtown Portland that has its share of trouble. It’s not a “bad” neighborhood, by any stretch. But, lately there has been a predator on the loose, and he has attacked several women late at night. We talked about that in class, of course, and all of the students are aware of it and are taking the class because of it. I’m so glad they are there! The skills that we teach are simple to learn and highly effective and go a long way in building confidence and increasing awareness. I wish we could teach the entire student body because really, everyone needs to know how to protect themselves.

I’ve got another busy weekend coming up, and the one after that as well. But, I’m doing my damnedest to keep the last week of the month free and my goal is for me and T to get to the beach that weekend. Fingers crossed!

Happy Friday!