Therapy update

So, the couple’s therapy. Yeah. It’s going pretty well, I think. We like our therapist. She is very gentle with us but doesn’t let us off the hook if we try and avoid stuff. She gave us a book to read (two copies, no squabbling over who gets to read first) that is pretty interesting and has some different ways of looking at arguing. It’s called, After the Honeymoon, by Daniel B Wile…. In case you’re interested.

Last week it was my turn to talk about my past. Oof. Somehow stuff I hadn’t thought about in decades was bubbling up. That makes it a lot harder to keep it shoved down and out of sight! Yes, I know, that’s kind of the point, but still. I get along just fine without dealing with my baggage. Or do I? Argh! I am not accustomed to letting someone rummage around in my head! Fortunately, I am narcissistic enough to partly enjoy talking about myself. Only partly though, because I also prefer to keep most of my feelings and thoughts to myself. All of this revelation is exhausting!

I think that it is already having a positive effect on our communication issues. We are being more considerate of each other ~ most of the time. We haven’t resolved anything, but I think we are just more aware of our words and actions. So, that’s good.

The therapist is on vacation for the next couple of weeks. We’ll see her next the day before I leave to visit my daughter. I’m sure these next two weeks will be lovely!

April 19

Today is my daughter’s birthday. She is 26! She is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, lovely person. I miss her every single day.

I don’t get to see her today so instead I am going to have dinner with my parents and we’ll toast her on her special day and bemoan the fact that she doesn’t live closer. I’m going to visit her in early May and I can’t wait.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl! I love you more than all the rain in the Pacific Northwest; more than all the soybeans in Iowa; more than all the fruitcake in California! You are the best thing about my life.

XOXOXOXOOXOXOX
Love,
Yr mama

Alas, poor Timmy

So, last week my girl and I went shopping for a new strap. The old one just didn’t do anything for me ~ didn’t fit right, wasn’t comfortable, just wasn’t working. I really, really like the new one and have been using it enthusiastically!

Now, I have to ask a question. Does anyone else name their dildos? Surely I’m not the only one with that particular quirk. My vibrators have also been named ~ Mr Thumb and The Armadillo. Our current dildos are Timmy, the little, swirly blue one and Jeremiah, the hefty big boy.

Tragically, on Thursday evening, we had an unexpected and alarming occurrence. We were in the groove, going to town, getting close, when I murmured, “Turn over, baby.” I sat up on my knees, started to pull out, and looked down. Holy Shit on Fire! Timmy broke off! In my girl! The only thing holding him on was the condom!

Naturally, I did what a good partner does. Kept my mouth shut, grabbed the broken end and finished the job with my hand doing the work. Then, after the moaning subsided, I confessed. We killed poor little Timmy.

We laughed about that for quite a while. It’s still bringing a smile to my lips. And, another trip to the toy store is planned for this weekend…

Happy Friday!

Therapist Interviews

We interviewed three therapists yesterday and have one more today. Man, am I exhausted! I’ve never actually chosen a shrink this way before and while I think it’s much better to be able to make an informed decision, it is hard to keep going over your problems with complete strangers.

Each one was different. So far the first one is the one we liked the best. She was quite participatory in her interaction with us. We are not looking for someone to just spill our guts to and then walk away. No, not into the Freudian method of talk, talk, talk. We want someone to help us understand and change some patterns we’ve fallen into that aren’t working. We need concrete suggestions. This woman understood that. She also says that she uses a collaborative method with couples ~ just using the word “collaborative” was a plus in my opinion.

The second one was lousy and we left there feeling quite depressed. She managed to elicit only negative comments from us and we both felt that this was going to lead us in the wrong direction.

The third was ok, but she was really focused on the fact that T didn’t think we needed counseling and kept on pushing her to explore that. Plus, she has some goofy fee structure that lets her charge more for afternoon and evening appointments and less for mornings. I mean, I get that supply and demand are the forces that drive our economy, but it felt too much like a slick gym membership.

So, we’ve got one more to interview today. She’ll have to be pretty awesome to beat out therapist number one.

In between our appointments two and three yesterday we were going to stop at our favorite used house parts store and look for a window for the upstairs bathroom. On the way over there I said, “Hey, let’s stop in at that new sex toy shop! I would really like a new strap!” Well, really, our relationship can’t be that bad if we are shopping for sex toys in between shopping for therapists. Right? Yes, I did get a new one and some fancy lube, and a little bullet vibrator. Too worn out to try them last night, but I’m hopeful for this afternoon/evening…. TMI? :-)

Bullets

First, an apology. I’m sorry I have been so remiss in blogging! I have a lot on my plate right now and am in a bit of a funk, and that combination leaves little resource for putting coherent thoughts together. However, here are a few bullets to just scratch the surface of what’s going on in my tiny world.


• Relationship. When I told T that we needed to see a counselor, it had the effect of making us more sensitive to each other, and kinder in our communication, at least for a while. That effect has worn off, though, and we are back to our reactive patterns. My goal is to have an appointment next week and start really working on these issues.


• Work. ARGH! Still happy to be employed, but the piling on of ever more tasks is wearing me down. Also, our half-time person quit and the rest of the staff and I are taking turns doing her job one day a week. Ends up being a very unproductive day. Get this: she emailed me while she was on vacation to say that a manager in another area would be calling for a reference. Never said a word prior to that, never really turned in her notice. Brat.


• Gym. Thank god for the gym! I have only lost about 5 pounds since the beginning of the year but I know I’ve lost some girth. I can tell by the fit of my blue cords. They slip right on these days… yay! And, I just feel so good after a vigorous workout. Very good for the mental health.


• The Kid. I’m going to visit my daughter for a long weekend in May. I’m so happy about that! I haven’t seen her for a year and a half and that is just killing me. I’m only going for 4 days because I don’t want to be too much of an aggravation ~ plus, I can’t stand the boyfriend. But, she and I have some really fun gardening projects planned. We’re building some raised beds in her back yard! Another Yay!


• Deadlines. I have a deadline of June for completing my apprenticeship in the self defense instructor program. I still have several classes to teach and I am going to be pushing right up against the deadline. I can’t bear the thought of not finishing, though. I have invested a lot of time, energy and tears in this program and it means so much to me on so many levels.


• Societal despair. So damned discouraged over our country and all of the narrow minded bigots with big mouths and no brains. Will we live in a society that values all individuals… in my lifetime? I don’t know.


• Spring. The beauty of spring in Portland, and all the Pacific Northwest, is a life saver. I am appreciating it every day. Flowers, while their evolutionary purpose is to reproduce the next generation, are such a symbol of hope. I keep looking at them and feeling grateful.


• Quote. For no particular reason, let me share with you with this Akira Kurosawa quote that captures me pretty well: "I am not especially strong. I am not especially gifted. I simply do not like to show my weakness and I hate to lose, so I am a person who tries hard. That is all there is to me."



Happy Friday everyone! Happy weekend eve!

Issues

Lately, my girlfriend and I have been communicating poorly. I don’t know why, but we have been getting our backs up at every little thing and getting our noses out of joint and our feelings hurt. We are taking offense at things that aren’t meant badly and are arguing way too much. I don’t like it!

Like every couple, we have our issues. They just happen to be flaring up and threatening to burn us to a scorched cinder. My biggest issue with her is her jealousy. Her biggest issue with me is (probably) my wanting to spend time with other people. Of course, I’m guessing about that because she hasn’t outright said that it’s her biggest issue. T is one of joined at the hip types. I am not. That’s an issue.

This weekend I suggested that we make an appointment with a therapist to get at this whole arguing, sniping, shitty attitude thing. She was shocked that I thought it was “bad enough.” Well, I’d rather deal with it now than let it get bigger and uglier. That road has one outlet ~ the breakup.

Of course, as soon as I said we needed to work on it, she jumped to the conclusion that I’ve met someone else. Gah! So frustrating! NO! I haven’t met anyone, I’m not looking to meet anyone, I want to be with her ~ it just shouldn’t be this hard.

So, this week I will be looking for a couples counselor, preferably a lesbian, and making an appointment. Sigh.

Oh dear...

We were watching something on the news lately, something about archeology or anthropology, and my gf said, “Oh, he must be one of those nuts who think people came from monkeys.”

Where do I even start? Where do I go from there?

I’m starting to think that our differences could become insurmountable.

Biting my Tongue

My girlfriend’s former sister-in-law was in town for a week and I’ve just about bitten my tongue completely off. They had a great time, and she’s a really nice woman, but the constant praising of the man they have in common was nauseating.

T’s brother has been dead for about ten years. I’ve heard a lot of stories about how charming and funny and persuasive he was. He was the family favorite, a jokester, a card, a cut-up, a great dancer, a good friend, could talk you out of the shirt on your back. Notice that he could talk you out of the shirt on your back, not that he would give you the shirt off his back.

He died of complications of hard living. He was a drug user for years – and I’m not talking pot, here. He used heroine for many, many years. He was clean from time to time but couldn’t stay sober. I’m not judging him on that count, though. There are too many substance abusers in my own family to point any fingers.

He was also a world class womanizer and a sex addict by all accounts. Some of the stories I have heard are beyond appalling. He drugged and raped one of T’s girlfriends; he beat up this gal who was visiting us four times before she finally decided she had had enough. Apparently he would fuck anything because I heard a story from T’s half-brother that Mike showed up at a job site once with a goat in his truck. Not sure I actually believe that one… But the rest of it is absolutely reprehensible.

He also embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from a business that he had with T. All gone – to be injected into his veins. He died leaving her holding the empty bag. It took her years to settle with the federal government and she still has a huge judgment against her in the state of Oregon. Oregon takes all of her tax refund every year in the nearly futile attempt to recoup the lost money. Now, since we are registered domestic partners, they take my tax refund too. Yes, yes, I can file an innocent spouse form… but still.

I know that we look at the people we love through rose colored glasses. I am hard pressed to find one redeeming quality or characteristic about this man. It is mind boggling to hear T and Amy go on and on about Mike as if he were some All American star. To me he sounds like the sleaziest, dirtiest, most deceitful asshole ever. I have kept my mouth shut all week while listening to them reminisce. It’s been a challenge. I am so damned glad that he was long gone by the time I met T. And I’m so glad that Amy has gone home so that the topic of conversation can be changed.

Floral Report

We have had freezing temperatures, ice, snow, wind, and rain, rain, rain. Even though we are in an El Nino pattern, we have been getting plenty of rain. I mention it only because when you have a “water intrusion” as the building trades like to call it (aka a leak), you do notice the unremitting rain.

However, all is not dreary and gray! No indeed, with the above average temperatures that El Nino brings, we are starting to see early spring flowers popping up. I should be worried about them; they should be worried about themselves. It’s really too early to be bursting into bloom. February is known around here as the ice storm month for good reason. But, I am so happy to see them!

In my yard, the winter blooming jasmine is sporting sunny yellow flowers. OK, it’s a winter bloomer, not a sign of early spring, but I love it anyway. Cheers for the jasmine! Thanks for the joy!

My neighbor’s yard is rife with daphne, and they are just starting to send out their heady fragrance. Do you like the smell of daphne? It reminds me of Froot Loops cereal, so sweet!

There are bulb-borne flowers starting to push out of the ground, strong, sturdy, sword-like leaves are cleaving their way through the soil. Tulips, hyacinths, daffodils.

Even the hydrangea is showing new leaf buds on its winter scarred branches. I wasn’t sure we’d get any hydrangeas after that cold snap and snow storm. It is such a fibrous plant that it dies right back in the cold. Ours seems to have survived.

Some planting guides suggest that we can put peas in the ground now (snow peas, I’d guess), but I’m going to wait just a little longer for that. That would be tempting fate, tempting the weather gods just a little too much.

What are your favorite spring flowers? What’s blooming in your yard or neighborhood?

New Year

I went to an early morning workout at my gym yesterday and wow! I am sore all over!

I'm not going to call it a New Year's resolution because that feels too compulsory to me. I have been intending to get back into better shape, lose some weight, and just feel better for some time now. I guess the turning of the year is merely a symbolic time to start.

I am not especially inactive. I teach martial arts to kids three days a week. There is always some running around in those classes. But, teaching the class is not the same as taking the class. You get a much better workout taking the class.

My job is very sedentary though. I sit in front of a computer all day long, five days a week. My home life has become rather sedentary too. Way too much time spent sitting on the couch watching tv, or sitting and reading. Don't get me wrong; I would rather read than do just about anything. But, it's not contributing to my physical wellness.

My martial art school also has a gym. I love it because you can get an amazing workout without all the spandex attitude. The first time I took a fitness class it was taught by an artistically tattooed dyke wearing cut-off plaid men's trousers and a tank top. She kicked our butts!

One of my support staff team members also works out there. I asked her last week if she would be interested in going to the early morning 'boot camp' class two days a week and carpooling to work afterward. She loved the idea. We went yesterday and we're going again tomorrow. It feels so good afterwards!